maybe because i just really want to slap someone

That’s What I Like - Bucky x Reader One Shot

Find more on my Masterlist.


//NOTE: I haven’t really written in this point of view before, it was kinda difficult, LOL. But It was inspired by the song in bold below, click the link to listen to it while reading. Love you all!//


Bucky walked into the party and looked around. Tony Stark was very well known for his frequent gatherings, but this was the first one he had gone to. Gorgeous women and alcoholic beverages were in abundance, and he saw the other Avengers scattered around the room having a blast.

But this wasn’t his kind of scene. He still hated large crowds and lots of noise, which were the two things this party was made of. But Steve had thought it would be a good idea for him to socialize with some other people, so here he was. “Alright, Buck. Get a drink, say hi - just try, okay?” Steve said, smiling at Natasha, who was across the room, and placing a reassuring hand on Buck’s shoulder. However, when Buck winced at the unanticipated contact, he removed the hand.

“Alright, I will. Thanks Steve,” Bucky mumbled, just loud enough to be audible over the music - That’s What I Like by Bruno Mars. So no one listens to swing anymore? He thought to himself. Everything had changed, it was still odd to him.

His eyes kept trailing aimlessly around the room until they stopped on someone. She was gorgeous in a tight fitting dress with an asymmetrical sleeve. She threw back her head and laughed, and Buck cracked the smallest smile. He wanted to make her laugh more. He turned around to ask Steve who she was, but he was gone. He looked around the room and saw him standing over there by Natasha, laughing at something she said. He began walking over to ask him, and then he remembered what Steve had said. Say hi, he thought to himself. He turned back to the girl.

What do I say to an angel like that? He kept eyeing her and then quickly looked away when her eyes met his and she smiled. He felt a warm feeling traveling through him, butterflies in his stomach, and a blush rising up to his cheeks.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her turn to her friend and then back to him, and then - oh God, she was walking over. Fuck. What to say, what to say? You’re gorgeous? Shit, no, that’s creepy as hell. Come up with something - too late. She was practically in front of him now. “Hello. James, isn’t it?” She said in the kindest voice.

Buck turned to her and immediately gulped. She was even more beautiful up close. He hoped the lighting would conceal the red blooming on his face. “Yeah - but, uh - everyone just calls me Bucky.” He told her, smiling sheepishly. She looked at him in confusion at the mention of his nickname. “My middle name is Buchanan, so everyone just says Bucky or Buck. It’s shorter.”

“Oh. Well my name is (name).” The girl chimed happily, ignoring the obvious awkwardness of the situation. “I saw you looking at me, you know.”

“Oh - shit, sorry, that probably seemed really creepy,” he laughed weakly and returned his gaze from her face to the floor. “I was just - uh… admiring your makeup.” What the fuck Bucky?! That’s not only a lie, it’s weird.

But she just laughed light-heartedly. “My makeup, huh?” She asked, obvious amusement in her voice. “Thanks I guess. Anyway, uh - I’m going to go back to talking with my friend. It was nice talking with you, Bucky.”

She turned away, and Buck watched her as she went back to her friend, walking head held high, never avoiding a gaze. That confidence - God, that was the confidence he wanted. Not only for himself, but also for the woman he ended up being with. And now I scared her off, Bucky thought. I’m such a mess.

A few hours later, the party was still far from over. If anything, there were just more people there… although a lot more were drunk or passed out on the couches in the lounge. Bucky had now made himself comfortable at the bar, and he stared at the ten empty shot glasses in front of him. He raised his fresh glass and downed the 11th. The bartender blinked a few times in amazement. “It’s the serum,” Buck told him. “I can’t get drunk.”

“O - okay. Another?” He asked, and Buck was about to say ‘one more’, but was interrupted.

“Two more, please,”

He knew that voice. He turned and saw the angel from earlier, the one he had supposedly scared off. “Uh - hi. (Name), w - was it?” He stuttered, scratching the back of his neck and summoning up enough courage to offer her a weak smile. Although he wasn’t sure if it was liquid courage or him finally manning up.

“Yeah, (name). And I know your name was Ja - Bucky. Right?” She replied, the beautiful smile on her face never faltering. When Buck nodded quickly, she continued. “I was wondering, after we finish this drink, wanna dance?”

“Wha - me?” Bucky asked, shock taking him over. The bartender tried to conceal a smirk and failed. He backed a step or two away from the counter when Buck shot him a glare. “Uh - why would you want to dance with me?”

“Because I think you’re cute,”

Oh my God, no fucking way. Okay, Bucky calm down, she probably is doing this on a dare. Just… just keep smiling. Laugh a little bit. Turn her down. “Well - uh, I wouldn’t want to step on your toes,” he objected, slapping himself internally. Why was he turning down someone like her?

“Wanna know something? I’m not very good at dancing, either.” She giggled and raised one eyebrow, downing her shot. Buck quickly followed and downed his. “Maybe we could go on a walk instead? It’s really loud in here, my ears need a break.”

“Uh - sure.” Bucky, what are you thinking? You’re can’t walk in awkward silence the entire time. You’ll have to say things… just… oh God, but she’s so amazing. I can’t turn this down.

“Alright, let me just tell my friend I’m gonna be gone for a sec,” she said before hurrying off to where her friend was sitting.

“Okay, I will, too…“ He said to her retreating form.

In a few minutes, Bucky and (name) were out on the streets, the music of the party fading off behind them and the sound of cars honking and motorcycles revving getting louder.

When Bucky had told Steve, Natasha, and Sam why he was leaving, they had all shared a look that said 'oh, wow, he actually got a girl’, but hadn’t said anything except ‘good luck’. Buck now rolled his eyes at the thought. They were so annoying sometimes, but life would be weird without them.

"I’m surprised Mr. Stark doesn’t get in trouble for how loud he plays the music,” (Name) remarked, and then laughed. Buck smiled.

“Well what’re they gonna do, sue Tony Stark? That’s just asking for trouble,” he rolled his eyes thinking about the arrogant being named Tony Stark.

“Yeah, that man is a whole nother thing on it’s own.” She huffed. “But don’t tell him I said that, him being my boss and all. I’m one of his assistants, I’d get fired pronto.”

“My lips are sealed.” Bucky promised, letting out a little laugh. He felt (name) looking at him and stopped to meet her gaze. “What is it, did I say something?” He panicked, taking a step back from her.

“No, no! I was just thinking, your real laugh is really nice,” she calmed him down, reaching up and tucking one of his long brown chin-length locks back behind his ear. “My God, Bucky, why are you so panicky? I bet you a hundred dollars you could get any girl you wanted if you had a little more confidence.”

“I don’t want to get just any girl, though,” Buck smiled a little bit and looked at the ground. (Name) nodded in understanding and grabbed his hand, taking him in surprise. However, he didn’t flinch or move away, her hand intertwined with his was nice… it was his metal one, too… and she didn’t even react to how cold it was. She just kept smiling, her eyes sparkling in the street lights and headlights of cars.

“Come on, let’s go to my apartment. I brought my bag, so I’ve got keys,” she told him. They started moving, but Bucky stopped her. “Hmm?” She asked.

“Why - uh, why would we need to go to your apartment?” He asked nervously. Was she going to try and have sex with him? He wanted it, but he didn’t have a condom, would he have to ask her for one? Oh God, oh God…

“Oh, no, no. I just thought we could watch a movie or something, I’d like to get to know you better, and it’s hard with all of this ambiance,” she told him once she had read the look on his face, raising her hands up. Buck smiled. She looked around, as if nervous someone was watching them, and then whispered, “I also said ambiance because it sounds smarter than noise.”

Bucky lost it at that, letting out his real laugh. He immediately felt a blush raising to his cheeks when he was done laughing. “There’s that laugh,” she said, smiling and putting her hand back in Buck’s metal one. The light pink dusting his face quickly darkened to red, and he hoped she didn’t notice.

“Alright, Mr. Bucky. We have The Lion King, Tangled, The Jungle Book, and Brave. Which one do you want to watch?” (Name) proclaimed when she walked into the living room, holding four DVD cases. Buck smiled.

She had changed into some pajamas, the top having a certain person’s shield on it and the bottoms having some red and white stars on them.

“Aren’t those all Disney movies?” He asked.

“Yeah. So what? I love Disney, I don’t care that I’m an adult.” She laughed, placing them out on the coffee table in front of Bucky and heading to the kitchen. “Now for food!” She pulled out bowls and bags of candy, chips, and some soda cans.

It took her and Bucky a few trips, but soon Cheetos, Doritos, Fritos, (God, they all end with ‘tos’ don’t they?) Skittles, M&Ms, and Hot Tamales were all laid out in bowls on the coffee table. “Presenting you with a feast!” (Name) told Bucky as she set down the last bowl.

Buck laughed. “You’re so cute.” He said, without thinking. He immediately regretted it when he felt the blush rising up to his face. He sighed to himself. Bucky, you’re such an idiot.

“Thanks, you’re cute, too.”

Okay, he should have expected that. After all, she had called him cute before, right? But it was a relief. “Alright, have you decided which movie you want?” She asked, sitting down close to Buck on the couch.

Really close.

Buck’s heart was beating hard. “Uh - uh, Tangled,” he said hurriedly.

Halfway through the movie, (name) had passed out with her head on Bucky’s chest. He had carefully moved her so her head was resting on a pillow and then covered her with a blanket folded over the back of the couch. He turned off the TV and the lamp in the corner of the living room as well as putting the bowls of leftover candy and chips in the kitchen. He was going to leave, but he decided to do something else first.

He found a notepad in the kitchen along with a pen, and he scribbled down something before slipping out of the apartment.

(Name) woke up and looked around. Shit, she had fallen asleep. Where was Bucky? After a drowsy sweep of the apartment, it was obvious that he had left. She sighed. It was a shame, she would have loved to make breakfast for him. She smiled when she saw a sticky note stuck on the fridge.

His number.

At the bottom it said: This is just in case you want to finish watching Tangled with me sometime. Don’t be shy to drop by the tower and ask for me. Sorry for being so awkward, I just get flustered around beautiful girls. - Bucky.

What a sweetheart, she thought as she proceeded to make her breakfast. Once she had laid out some cereal and orange juice for herself, she took her cellphone and entered Buck’s number in carefully. A rather groggy Bucky answered. “Hello, who is this?” He asked.

“(Name). I just wanted to tell you, you’re awkwardness - that’s part of what I like about you. It’s cute,” she said, a smile on her face. Buck couldn’t see it, but he could hear it in her voice.

“Well, maybe I can be a little more awkward with you at dinner tonight?” He asked, nervousness in his voice.

“Of course. I was wondering when you’d ask.”

“Alright. tonight at 6:30, meet me in the lobby of the tower?”


TAGS: @buckyappreciationsociety @captain-amelia-bradley @barnesandnoble13 @chipilerendi (Wanna be tagged? Just ask!)

anonymous asked:


I really just want to respond to this with a gif of someone giving the bird.

Why am I not updating anything? Maybe because I don’t have anything finished to post?

You really think if I had something finished I would just keep things not updated? Do you think I enjoy having people demand updates, get whiny because I haven’t slapped up a new chapter?

I don’t. I don’t enjoy waking up and seeing things like this. It just makes me spiteful. It just makes me scoff.

They’ll be updated when they’re updated; that’s all I can really tell you. I’m trying but I’m finding it significantly harder each and every time I get something like this to find the energy to open the docs of anything I’m supposed to work on. If anything it just makes me want to be petty and devote time to new projects instead because I’m just that sort of person~

A little advice: Maybe next time instead of  “Y U NO UPDATE YOUR FANFICS” try going for…I don’t know “I’m curious if you’re still working on such and such fic. Are you taking a break from it?”

Maybe get a nicer response.


I accidentally put little brother and family. I hope you don’t mind. :) 

Your POV: 

“This line is too long.” I muttered under my breath as I finally took a step forward. I didn’t mean for anyone to hear my comment, but my little brother, who was standing next to me happened to do just that. 

“But I want to go on the ride!” he pointed out. 

“I didn’t say anything!” I defended myself. “I just said that line was too long. That’s all." 

"Please don’t start bickering!” our father, who was right in front of us, pleaded. “We came here to have fun as a family. Disney Land is supposed to be a place of dreams. Not a place to bicker." 

My mother turned toward my brother and me, fixing her gaze on me. She said sweetly, "You know, (Y/N), you don’t have to go on the ride if you don’t want to. You can walk around for a bit and maybe meet us here after a while?” She knows how much I hate waiting in line. I’m not the patient type of person much. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go on the ride. I’m not the type of person that states that they’re ‘too old’ to do certain things or something along those lines. But, oh God, how much I hate likes and ques! They get the best out of me. Something about the prospect of standing in one place for ages just to go on a 5 minute ride isn’t very appealing to me. So naturally, I consented to what my mother said to me. 

“I’ll go and grab a snack. Call me when you’re done and we can meet up.” And with that I was off before my parents could change their mind. I didn’t expect much of my speedy exit. I honestly expected to be bored out of my mind while I waited. All I was looking forward to was a scoop of ice cream that I planned on buying myself while I waited. I certainly didn’t expect someone else to buy it for me. That someone else being utterly unforgivably gorgeous at that too. 

I walked away from the line that was getting longer by the minute and started walking toward the ice cream parlour. Unfortunately (at that moment, but as I found out later it was very fortunate) I came in contact with a much larger physique than mine. The impact sent me to the ground, but I never reached it, because a pair of strong arms caught me by the waist and as soon as I knew it I was basically glued to another person’s body. A person who smelled very nice in fact. Very very nice. That type of “I’m really attractive in case you didn’t notice.” sort of nice. 

I slowly peeled myself away from the person and looked up only to find the most gorgeous pair of brown eyes I have ever seen in my entire life staring back at me. A wide grin present on his face, a boy that looked about my age stared back. Before I had the chance to apologize, hide my burning cheeks in my hair and make the second speedy exit of the night, the boy started talking to me. 

“Well, this is quite an unusual way to meet people.” he said, the smile never leaving his lips. 

And totally surprising myself - because I thought that I had lost my ability of speech because of embarrassment - I answered casually, “Tell me about it. You read about these sort of meetings in books or see them in movies. But I never really thought one would actually happen." 

He giggled at my comment and it was such a cute laugh he had. I wanted to slap myself, because of my easily-starts-fancying-someone-you-have-never-even-met-before ways. 

"Exactly. Maybe it means something?” he asked, with what I thought was a flirtatious note in his voice. 

Was he flirting with me? But he’d just met me. Maybe I was imagining things. But he sure was cute. 

“Oh, and what would that be?” I said in the most elegant manner I could muster. Was I honestly flirting back?

“That we should get to know each other.” he answered casually. “Would you like to get some ice cream?”

“Actually I was just on my way there when I involuntarily slammed into you.” I answered. “Sorry about that, by the way.”

“Don’t worry about it.” he said with a smile that made me swoon. I tried not to think of that beautiful smile and those gorgeous brown eyes of his, so I looked away.

“So, what are you doing here?” he asked, causing me to bring my focus back on him. “I hope that’s not too forward.”

“No, not at all.” I giggled. A bit too much maybe. “I’m here with my family. Quality time together. They’re waiting in line for that ride over there, but I didn’t feel like waiting so they let me go wander around for a bit. What about you?”

“The exact same situation.” he answered. “I’m here with my family and my little cousin really wanted to go on a ride, but the line was too long and I didn’t feel like waiting either. So I thought I would go get some ice cream.”

“So, even if I hadn’t slammed into you we still would have probably met.” I heard the words coming out of my mouth, but I sure hadn’t planned them. This evening was becoming more and more interesting by the minute.

“As I said, maybe it means something.” he said, flashing another gorgeous smile my way. Seeming to remember something, he stopped walking and turned toward me. I stopped and looked at him quizzically. “How stupid of me!” he exclaimed and then laughed. “I almost forgot. I never asked you your name.”

“It’s (Y/N).” I said, laughing.

“That is a lovely name. I really like it. I’m Jack. Nice to meet you.” he said, extending his hand toward me to shake. I shook it graciously and laughed again. I was really enjoying this boy’s company. 

We walked toward the ice cream parlour, still chatting. Conversation with him was strangely very easy to maintain. He told me a lot of interesting stories about himself and I did the same. I felt like I’d known him for years, but we’d only just met. I wondered if that was how love at first sight felt like. Because I was definitely attracted to him. 

In a true chivalrous fashion, he refused to let me pay for my ice cream and paid for it himself. I was slightly annoyed, because I had just met him and I didn’t want him to think of me as someone who likes to use people. But overall the gesture was sweet. And what happened when I wouldn’t let him pay was cute too. 

“I’ll pay for the ice cream.” he had said before we were about to leave. 

“Uh-huh, sure you will.” I said sarcastically. “You’ll pay for yours.” I added to clarify my message. “I’ve got money with me. I’ll use it." 

Just as I was pulling out my wallet from my purse he caught my hand by the wrist. The touch sent a tingling sensation along my skin, from my wrist and up the rest of my arm. I suppressed a smile and I looked up at him. His sparkling brown eyes, which seemed even more shiny in this lighting, were gazing down at me - him being taller than me. I felt my cheeks stain red, but I pretended not to notice and instead kept a steady serious look on my face. 

"What are you doing?” I questioned. 

“Paying.” he answered, pulling out some money from his pocket and setting it down before the cashier, while still holding on to my wrist. 

“I can pay for myself.” I grumbled still. 

“Yes, you can. But you won’t.” he said, politely saying goodbye to the cashier and giving her one of his million dollar smiles, and pulling me along with him outside. 

A wave of cool balmy summer air hit my face as we walked out of the ice cream parlour. Much to my dismay I noticed that he had let go of my waist somewhere along the way on our walking out. I used this as an opportunity to get my way, so I pulled out my wallet from my purse and took out the amount of money that my ice cream cost and extended my hand out to him. 

“Here.” I said firmly. “Take it." 

He shook his head and grinned at me. "No matter what you do I will not take that money from you." 

"Yes, you will.” I said even more firmly and took a step toward him. Strangely he didn’t back away as I’d expected him to. I noticed our close proximity and my heart involuntarily skipped a beat. His breath tickled my face and I got a close up of those chocolate brown eyes of his that I had grown to like so much during the course of the evening. 

We stood like that for a couple of seconds, neither of us speaking. Finally he decided to speak. “You’ll have to catch me first.” he said playfully. And as soon as I knew it he was off. 

“Hey, wait!” I called before starting to run after him. “Jack!" 

However, he acted as if he didn’t hear me and just continued running. I ran as fast I could after him, but I couldn’t reach him. But I was enjoying this whole thing. I was laughing and I could hear him laughing ahead of me too. Suddenly he stopped. I wanted to stop too, but I’d gained so much speed that it was virtually impossible for me to stop. So for the second time that evening I slammed right into him, sending him to the ground, with me on top of him. We both burst into laughter as we landed on the cold ground. 

"You didn’t catch me.” he said after we’d stopped laughing. He got up from the ground and put out a hand for me to take, so he could help me out. I stood up and started dusting my jeans off. 

“Yes, I did.” I argued. 

“No, you didn’t.” he said with a laugh. “I let you catch me. That doesn’t count. Therefore I win. You can keep your money." 

"How is losing money a win, Jack?” I asked jokingly. 

“If it means making a beautiful girl happy it’s a definite win.” he answered. I felt my cheeks become hot and I hoped that he couldn’t see me blushing in the dim light. It didn’t help that he was standing so near to me either. Before I could say anything the loud ringing of my phone interrupted the moment. I wasn’t sure whether to be happy or sad about it, because I wasn’t sure where all this was going. 

“Hello?” I said into my phone. 

“Hi, honey!” It was my mom’s voice. “We’re finally done with the ride. We’re so sorry to have kept you waiting for so long. It’s been two hours." Had it really been that long? "But I think that’s enough for tonight. Your brother is sleepy too. I think we should head back home.” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go home yet. I had so much fun with Jack and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see him again. This evening had been strange. Strange in a good way. The fun, lovely kind of way. 

But I knew that I couldn’t do anything about it, so I told my mom that I would meet them where we had first parted and that I would be there in five minutes. I hung up and told Jack the news. I’m not sure if I expected what happened next. He immediately asked me where I lived. As soon as I told him a smile painted itself on his face. 

“Well, looks like we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other. I live there too!" 

I was really happy about that. I’d really liked the events of this evening. It’s true what they say. A lot of wonderful things really can happen when you least expect them. We exchanged telephone numbers and he promised to call me during the week. He then insisted on walking me back, even though during our conversation his phone had rung too and his parents had told him that he should meet them so they could leave too. I told him that I would be okay walking back by myself, but he would hear nothing of it. 

Once we’d reached our destination, I introduced him to my parents and my little brother. He was very polite to my parents and really sweet to my little brother. As I learned later in the car my parents approved of him greatly and thought that he was "such a nice boy and a gentleman indeed!” My little brother also approved of him and said that he was “awesomesauce. Can you have him over at our place some day, (Y/N)? I’d like to show him my video game collection!” How my brother had been able to tell Jack about his video game collection in such a short time, I have no idea! But my brother sure can talk! 

But they were right. They liked him, but I liked him even more. I couldn’t keep the smile off my face after we’d parted. I’m pretty sure my parents noticed, but they didn’t question me about it. 

Before he left he said, “Well, (Y/N), I was enchanted to meet you." 

And I answered, "I was enchanted to meet you too." 

"I’ll see you again soon. Maybe we can go out next Friday night?” Normally I would have been embarrassed by a boy asking me out right in front of my parents, but he said it so casually that I didn’t feel the slightest bit of embarrassment. My parents didn’t say anything either, so it was a silent approval from them. I nodded and said that Friday suited me. He smiled and said that he would call me during the course of the week, so we could sort out the details. After that he left and the smile on my face stayed. 

It stayed for the duration of the whole week. He called me the next day just for a chat. He also gave me his Facebook account and we chatted for the rest of the week until finally settling on the details for our Friday night date. And many more dates came along after that one. 

And I was happy that I hadn’t gone on the ride. I was annoyed about the line at first, but after the night’s events I started to be thankful for the long line. Because it brought me an adventure. It brought me an evening, seeming simple to everyone else, but special to me. An evening that I would never forget. 

I hope you like it. Thank you for requesting! If you ever want another one feel free to ask! I am so sorry that I am so slow with uploading these, but I really have a lot to study and I try writing them as frequently as possible. But sometimes I am simply too tired to write one. Luckily, it was a national holiday in my country yesterday so I had time to write this one. I’ll try and post more often from now on. :)

Feel free to request! I can write about any celebrity you want! NO SMUT AND NO TRIGGERING SCENES, THOUGH! Apart from that, request anything you wish! :)

Dating Sober

I haven’t had a drink in 268 days and I feel weird. 

I’m 31 years old. I live in Los Angeles, California, and I am single. I love cooking, I love watching Seinfeld re-runs, I love documentaries, and I love drinking, but I don’t do that last one anymore. 

When I quit drinking, people asked me if it was hard to quit drinking and I always felt like not drinking was the easy part. Doing everything else was hard. Ordering ginger ale on an airplane was hard. Being designated driver to a concert was hard. Going to sleep was hard. 

Okay, those things were hard. But dating? That’s impossible.

That’s not to say I haven’t dated in the last nine months. I have had some really great relationships of varying lengths in that time with some really wonderful women. If one of you is reading this, please know that I have nothing but admiration for you and thank you for everything and please don’t text me about what an asshole I am. I already know.

You know that feeling when you’re with someone and you’ve shared a great meal and a few glasses of wine and you kind of get wrapped up in the moment and before you know it you’re eyes are so close they’re almost touching each other and your noses brush gently against each other and suddenly your lids close and you don’t know why and then you’re kissing and somehow your hand finds the light switch and by some miracle you manage to get your clothes off and then the next thing you know it’s morning and everything was incredible?

Yeah. That’s a great feeling. But that doesn’t happen sober, at least not for me. 

There’s nothing sexy about a guy who wants to meet for tea. There’s nothing romantic about a guy who orders six club sodas and invites you back to his place for ice cream and decaf. No great love stories start at a Coffee Bean.

So you go to dinner instead, but you end up not ordering a drink, because, well, you’re an alcoholic and it could ruin you, and so then you just spend your entire first date talking about why you don’t drink, because, let’s face it: it’s fucking weird. It’s weird to not have a drink. It’s weird to not be able to put one particular kind of liquid in your mouth because of something that’s wrong with you. It’s not bad. But it is weird. And people want to know about it. And they want to understand. And I get it. I would want to understand too. When I was a drinker I didn’t understand people who didn’t drink and I thought they were weird. Because they were. And now I’m one of them. 

When people tell their friends about you they always include the sentence, “Oh, he doesn’t drink,” almost apologetically. And I get it. It’s not weird that they’re saying that. They’re right. I don’t. And it’s weird. 

Nothing says romance like a guy who’s totally on top of his impulses.

Your hand doesn’t just end up on a leg anymore. You have to put it there. You have to gather your courage and lift your hand off of your leg and put it on her leg and you have to DEAL WITH THAT. You can’t pretend it didn’t happen or pretend it was an accident. And if that goes well…

You have to close your mouth and stop talking (and talking is the only thing you have left) and you have to move your face towards their face and you have to kiss them. On their mouth. And it’s fucking awkward. It just is. It’s just weird to put your mouth on someone else’s mouth. You don’t think about it until you think about it but as soon as you think about it you will never stop thinking about it. 

Let’s not even start thinking about sex. How does that go? “Hey, I really am enjoying spending time with you and I find you attractive. Maybe let’s go back to my place and grunt and slap our bodies together for a couple of minutes?” It’s a big logical leap to go from speaking sweet nothings into someone’s ear to screaming wildly because of things they’re doing with their genitals.

And even if I somehow get through that, I’m just always going to be the person who never stops thinking, who never stops laughing at the absurdity of it all, who can’t quite relax the way I used to. I don’t want to go through that and I certainly don’t want to put someone I really like through that. 

So what do I do? Well, the easy answer is start drinking again, but I’m pretty committed to this whole “staying alive” thing, so that’s off the table. 

So I’m just going to keep being weird for now. And if I’ve been on a date with you (though I’m assuming most of the people I’ve dated have stopped reading at this point) just know that I know I’m weird and that’s probably why it didn’t work. Or maybe you thought I was fat. That’s another possibility. You’re right about that also. But this weird thing, it’s not an excuse. It’s just an acknowledgment. 

I don’t have answers, but a lot of people write me and ask me what it’s like being sober and the answer is “it’s weird.”

Most of the time, being weird is better than being dead because at least it’s something. 

Anyway, I’m 31 years old, I love watching Seinfeld re-runs and I’m just patiently waiting for the right person to be weird next to.