i try to stay positive through whatever. i try to live up to people’s standards whenever i can. i smile whenever it’s appropriate too, even though i’m only pretending to. i always try to do the “right” thing.. even though many times it really felt like the wrong thing. i try to show up for people. i attempt to show up, and look good, for the person people believe me to be. this person who, i believe, is sacred and supreme. god, isn’t she celestial? isn’t she lovely? i believe they think i’m someone who they wanna be a little something alike. and i think to myself.. “they don’t want this fight.” this mind game. this psyche. looking at shit different these days, like— i might be paying karma it’s last dues.. but i feel like i got too much more to do. i can hear death singing her song in my ear, and boy do her blues sound pretty. like— she really put the time in. she really got me feeling some kind of way. like— could somewhere else be a better place? i get bored too often here. i wanna jump off from here. wanna feel the breeze and see the beauty as i’m falling. then i wanna panic until the parachute rises to catch me. i wanna trust for once. wouldn’t that be the right thing to do? to have faith in something even if there is no landing safely? can’t say i truly even care if i’ll land safely. more concerned if i’ll land alone. see, that’s my issue. needing to be in control. needing to narrate a love story because i was taught that’s all that will ever matter. love. even when, throughout my life, i can’t say that’s what mattered most.