may your past make you better not bitter

Horoscopes by Gil Hizon - Week of February 26 - March 4, 2017

The struggle is fucking real.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Whenever shit hits the fan, you go in this pretend mode, where you tell every ho in town that life is just peachy. Stop doing that. I need you to really feel the disappointment of a recent disheartening situation because I think that it’ll be good for strengthening your soul. This may be hard for you to grasp right now but some things are just not meant to be. Which could also mean that something greater is right around the corner.
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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

In times of great disappointment, your default is to lash the fuck out. And gurl, you don’t discriminate. And sure, it’s easy to blow up on Tooneesha from Acquisitions, but when you start doing that shit to your loved ones, it don’t look pretty. Luckily for you, those near and dear understand how you get - it doesn’t mean that you should keep putting them through these temper tantrums!
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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Now there’s a person who can deal with shit going bad. You really have harnessed enough emotional anti-bodies to combat whatever clusterfuck the universe has thrown your way. I urge you to share your lessons with bitches like the rest of us who are not strong enough to combat life’s greatest shitshows. Don’t worry, we’ll buy you a drink.
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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

It takes a lot to overwhelm you. But whenever it finally happens, you are flustered as fuck. No one is safe from your wrath, not even your own damn self. And that’s where it begins, my friend. You need to cut yourself some slack and treat yo ass better. You’d be surprised by how making that slight change can improve your immediate environment just like that.
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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Whenever something doesn’t go your way, you like to turn back to your list of past disappointments and be all bitter about that scroll. Why the fuck do you do that? It’s like there’s a part of you that likes to remind yourself of the false notion that you’re not good enough. Well, dearie, you need to cut that shit out! Stop looking at that shitlist and expend your energy thinking up possibilities for your future!
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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Oh gurl. Your financials are looking at yo ass and saying, “come and fucking save me!” Perhaps you’ve been ignoring that budget sheet thinking that she’ll sort herself out. Bitch, that’s not how it works and you fucking know it. If you have to set a day to figurr that shit out this week, do so! If you do it with wine, it’ll be easier to deal with.
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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

I have to say, kudos! You are getting better and better in terms of dealing with the kind of shit the universe likes to throw your way. I like the way you take the disappointment in and then you let it go and move on to the next thing. The silver lining is that your life is only broadcast network funny right now. If it was cable network funny, you’d be in some deep doo-doo.
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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

The way you handle bad shit is to go all 360 on it. You like to surround the shitty situation or occurrence so you can analyze it from different angles. By breaking it down to its most basic component – “it just wasn’t meant to be” – you set yourself free from beating yourself down. It’s a great strategy, gurl! In time, you’ll only be quicker and more efficient in handling disappointment.
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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You may have carefully reviewed your plan of revenge over and over again. You may even have employed the skills of a dear VIRGO friend in making sure you don’t miss a step. This week, you will be ready to strike. But then, at the very last second, after seeing your “prey” in a vulnerable moment, you will decide to let all that vengeance go. And then I will congratulate you for being human.
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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You’re not really for sticking around when the going gets tough. But this week, things may be really dire with yo man in your own home HQ. Your instinct will be to get the fuck out of there until things calm down, but this is not the best strategy. What you want to do is take a long hard look at the foundation of your relationship and make sure both of yous are on the same fucking page.
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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

As someone who, by nature of the zodiac, deeply cares about tangible facts and figures (snooze), relying solely on gut instinct will be a bit difficult for you. But this is what you have to do now, when the current situation doesn’t have anything to do with totals or charts. Stop relying on whatever computational shit is in front of you. Instead, trust your heartsies!
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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

The great thing about you is that you don’t let others be the cause of your disappointment. You’re so used to operating in a more… mental plane that emotional shit can rarely fuck your psyche up. Having said all that, this week may be a challenge for you, because, while your constituents are not operating on an emotional level, they’re functioning on brain-type stuff. Get ready for a mental game of musical chairs.
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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!