may 2014

At 16 you left home, at 17 you stood in front of a film camera, at 19 you bought an apartment, at 20 you tied the knot for the first time, at 24 for the second time and at 26 you adopted your first child. What’s the rush? 

You’re right, I was in a damn hurry. My driving force was that I only believed in today and was full of panic to live my life only just half. My grandmother and my mother died early. That’s why I’ve never believed that there could be fairy tales, happy endings and a perfect family in my life. I have to work on being able to take a deep breath and to enjoy my life. Because I know how abruptly life can be over I’m always thinking at the end of the day, that I haven’t done enough. I simply can’t let go of this feeling of urgency. - Angelina Jolie.

This morning I woke up and decided to tell the truth.
I am not okay, and I don’t think that any of us are,
and I don’t think that we need to apologize for it.
Friends call to make plans and I say yes,
instantly regretting it. If it’s not alcohol,
it’s getting high, it’s music so loud my bones hum.
It’s driving around and making promises with our pinkies
or throwing up on the side of the street or kissing
each other so violently that we’re swallowing hair,
wisdom teeth. It’s loneliness so deep in my stomach
it’s in my womb and kneecaps. I’m writing this because
I fucking want you to feel something. I want you to
sweat me out like a fever. Okay, okay, listen:
I want to be a new girl but it’s these old habits.
We’re all so warm and feeling and I can’t quite
get this taste out of my mouth. We fling love around
like we don’t expect to get it back. It feels like
only yesterday my mother was kissing my scrapes
and bruises. Only yesterday I was learning to tie my shoes,
snap my fingers, be trusted with the delicate task
of dressing myself. I don’t think it’s safe here anymore.
Empty out your chest and get ready to run.
—  Kristina Haynes, “May 2014”
youtube

Don’t Forget Where You Belong - 23.05.2014 - Croke Park Stadium in Dublin