mauvalmont oc

Welcome to your tape, bitch

Oh. My. God. This show is the perfect example of how I am actively ruining my life with the conscious decisions I make. I spent one week hate-watching it mainly because I wanted to understand the whole controversy around it contribute to all the shitposting happening on Tumblr. So there I was, sitting on my couch, ready for some Netflix & Chill - the real kind, not the Grindr-enabled one - and then I heard Hannah Baker’s voice, which led me to the following point:

1. How conceited is this girl?

I knew this was shit the moment I heard her saying she wasn’t going to send her victimizers a podcast because she wouldn’t make it that easy for them, so instead she sent them plain old cassettes. Bitch, seriously? You’re dead, whatever makes you think that people who dgaf about you when you were alive, will do it now just because you took the easy way out? Next time you want to guilt-trip your classmates from the grave, at least wait till after they’ve contacted you through a Ouija board.

And don’t even get me started on her self-proclaimed moral superiority. She blames Jessica for her death because she slapped her, but then Hannah witnessed her being raped and that didn’t ring a bell on how shitty a person she was too? Like, please, you would have gotten a million tapes yourself had anyone else come up with the same stupid idea.

This brings me to the second point.

2. She was not alone

This show would have been remotely less annoying if Hannah had actually been isolated. In fact, they tried to go there by having her say how lonely, unpopular, and disliked she was, and how everyone was just trying to get her. Except they were not. In fact she made a fuckload of friends throughout the series. She was dating the jocks, experimenting with the Queen Bee, being all deep and intellectual with the gay guy, going to parties at the cheerleader’s house, friendzoning the hot geek, and even having her own little version of The Breakfast Club with an Eminem wannabe.

And yet you’re telling me that she was unpopular and nobody liked her? Yeah, OK, next.

3. Her reasons to kill herself are ridiculous

Somebody stole the drawing that some anon left in your compliment box? Heartbreaking. Was that a reason to kill yourself? Of course not! Well, on a second thought, maybe the fact that she went to a school where they had compliment boxes was.

Seriously, what were the writers thinking when they were working on this script? Did nobody think that this was stupid af? Suicide is never justifiable, but fuck, if you’re going to do it, at least come up with a decent reason. Don’t slit your wrists open over someone reading your anonymous poem in class, which, by the way, nobody even knew was you. There’s a fine line between crying for help and stirring up drama just for the sake of it. Hannah Baker mostly dwelt in the latter.

4. None of this would have happened if she had not been actively looking for drama

Hannah was upset because the high school jock shared a pic of her undies. He then told the whole school that she was an easy lay. Outrageous. Then one of his friends tried to pull a Donald Trump on her (and grab her by the pussy) because, you know, the high school jock said she was easy, remember? All of that I get.

What I don’t get is why over the course of the series she continued interacting with him and everyone else who was mean to her - according to her delusional ass, anyway - and even getting in a hot tub with them. I’m sorry, but that’s not the behavior of someone who’s deeply hurt and desperate for things to improve. That’s the behavior of someone asking for it. No, I don’t mean rape. Rape is never justifiable. I mean drama. She was asking for drama and if she didn’t t get  it, she would create it.

5. The rape aftermath

OK, fine, the whole rape situation was not cool. Yet her blaming the counselor is what really pissed me off. Hannah, being the dumb ass teen that she is was, wanted justice - which I totally get. What I don’t get is why the fuck would she even bother to go and make a scene at the counselor’s office and then throw a bitch fit at him when he told her that she needed to move on? Yes, that is a shitty answer, but what was she expecting? He was a fucking counselor for fuck’s sake, not Professor Xavier. He couldn’t read your mind, girl. If you she truly wanted him to help, then she should have spoken up and spilled the tea on Bryce. Oh, no. instead she went crazy and stormed out of the room ready to do the job, but not before standing outside of the counselor’s office hoping he would run after her.

The hell you think you are, Hannah? Cinderella? Who’d want to run behind a crazy, borderline psychotic teen with an attitude problem?

6. The Latin classmate

I’m not done hating on Hannah, but this guy got me raging almost as much as she did. Everything from his crappy personality to his outfit was just terrible, but the real mystery is what he even had to do with Hannah, and why the fuck does he pretend to be all wise and mighty? First of all, if he was that wise, he would have stopped dressing like Danny Zuko.

Also, let me get this straight: Hannah kills herself because in the end she has no friends, yet she entrusted this guy to see her tapes through till they reached the 13th person? Ahem, is this a plothole or just plain stupid writing? I wanted to vomit every time Pedro - whatever, I’m Mexican - would show up just to act all shady and remind pretty much everyone around - mainly Clay, Clay, Clay, and Clay - that they had all killed Hannah.

Hoe, no. Someone friendly enough to give her a ride home when she was pissed drunk didn’t kill her, she killed herself. Well, rather the razor blades that she stole from her bankrupt parents’ pharmacy did, but those are just details. Also, if Carlos - whatever, I’m Mexican - was such a good friend and concerned about everything that had happened to her, he wouldn’t be dropping cryptic af messages, he would have taken the tapes to the police and let them deal with the jock. But no, of course he didn’t do that because that would have required a writer to stop mixing vodka and Xanax and realize the show they were producing. No, instead he took the least sporty-looking character rock climbing because that’s just how he rolls.

7. Clay

So the guy went from being the wallflower to taking justice into his own hands? What’s his name again? Batman? I still don’t understand how he’s supposed to be all smart and yet not once, not even for a single second, does he stop and think that maybe, just maybe it’s better to tell his parents, or any other grown up in fact, about what’s happening and about how every other person wants to axe him. Like, I get it, you’re angry, you’re hurting, but you know what hurts more? That gap on your forehead, you know, the one you got after a car hit you?

Like, didn’t anyone notice it? Am I the only one who can see it? Cos, girl, it’s so big it makes the gender gap in the workplace look narrower in comparison. Go get stitches, like, now.

8. Where the hell are all the parents?

Underage drinking, tattoos, drugs, reckless driving, guns, teens with huge af scars all over their faces, like, where the fuck are all the grown ups? Are you trying to tell me that not even one adult noticed any of this? For fuck’s sake, Clay’s scar is putrid and so is half his face now, he’s dying of an untreated infection!

9. The fandom

I cannot even begin to explain how annoyed I am at the people who think this is an accurate reflection of the suffering that many of them have gone through. You’re wrong, and I don’t feel bad saying it. Hannah had multiple opportunities to save herself if she had not acted stupid, dared to speak, and or seek help. She had loving parents, a hot geek ready to jump her, and apparently she was the best of friends with Jorge - whatever, I’m Mexican. No, if she killed herself was because she was starving for attention. She wanted to guilt-trip everyone and make them feel as shitty as they had made her felt except, guess what? She’s not there to witness it.

10. The message

That’s my issue with this whole fucking series. It plays with the idea of suicide in an almost hedonistic way, it’s almost as if they wanted us to picture Hannah Baker laughing in Heaven - or rather in Hell cos she killed herself, obvi - at the sight of all these people suffering over her death and feeling remorseful the actions that led to it. Let me tell you something: Unless you become Casper, you will not get to see this.

To everyone thinking that suicide is as glamorous as 13 Reasons Why made it seen, it’s not. You die and that’s it. Sure, there will be people devastated by it - your parents - but that’s it. There will be no Juan - whatever, I’m Mexican - sending tapes on your behalf or Clay growing a vagina in the middle of his forehead during his quest to uncover the truth. You’ll be gone and that will be it.

In conclusion, 13 Reasons Why is a steamy pile of trash from start to finish and was clearly targeting all the dumb af teens who also thought that The Fault in our Stars is the epitome of modern literature. It’s pretentious, it’s boring, it’s full of plotholes, and it will make you rage from start to finish. Needless to say, this is my opinion and that’s about it. If you don’t like it, well… Welcome to your tape, bitch.