I can’t believe it’s been one year already
— we had an episode named after Malec soft boyfriends who started being hard on each other with Alec being hard on Magnus and totally ignores him most of the time, and now we’re getting an actual date, they’re going on a date they’ve been planning since forever.
I got a few Widelux rolls back from my Detroit trip a few weeks ago. Detroit is such and epic place and I had a mega tight crew of boyz out there. The trip was a really good blend of skating and just being a tourist. Oh, and lots of urban spelunking.
I don’t condone cutting and I’m not trying to romanticize depression
Listen to Hold Me by Janine and the Mixtape while reading this.
Request:Can you do a Hayes Grier imagine where you’re depressed and crying in the shower and start having an anxiety attack, and he finds you, but can’t calm you down, so he calls your brother, Matthew Espinosa, and he comes over and calms you down and yeah sorry it’s so depressing, it happened to me about a month ago and it’s still in my mind
I sat my phone on the dresser. I couldn’t do this right now. Everywhere I looked there was someone saying something bad about me. Whether it was some teen magazine writing how my dress was a fashion disaster at the last award show Hayes and I attended or fans telling me I was ugly or Hayes was to good for me or pointing out my flaws or telling me to kill my self. On good days I just felt kind of numb. I didn’t feel sad or happy just numb. I would just sit and smile and laugh while I imagined myself cutting so deep the bleeding wouldn’t stop, or jumping off a bridge, over dosing, shooting myself? Whenever I caught myself thinking about these I would always scold myself. I would tell myself that would be selfish because I had a boyfriend and family and friends even fans who love me. I know they love me but some days it just doesn’t feel real. I was usually good at keeping my attention off of it mainly because I was with my boyfriend of ten months, Hayes, or my brother Matt Espinosa. But Matt was filming for his movie and Hayes was rehearsing for DWTS. it wasn’t a secret that I had struggled with depression and anxiety in the past . I even made a video about it so other people dealing with similar issues wouldn’t feel so alone.
I walked into the bathroom and stripped off my clothes. Silent tears brimmed my eyes which avoided the large mirror that hung above the sink. I turned on the shower and went back in the room the get my phone. I turned on Pandora to Janine and The Mixtape Radio turning the volume to the highest setting then placing my phone on the bathroom counter I stepped in the shower the warm water rolling down my skin.
I looked down grabbing my stomach and thighs wishing they were smaller. I let out a large breadth as I transitioned from standing to sitting in the bath tub in a fetal position. I held my arm out watching my arms jiggle. I hit the fat on my arm watching it rapidly swing back and forth. I let out a cry and then wrapped my arms around my knees. I screamed and cried? I ran my hands through my unmanageable hair.They were right. I was fat and I would never be good enough for Hayes.The tears started coming out faster my heart rate also speeding up. I looked up and just screamed as loud as I could.
I uncoiled myself and laid on the bottom of the tub. I looked up the water hitting my body. I looked around and then on one of the shelves I saw it. My razor.
“YN don’t.” My inner voice said.
I sat up my body on auto pilot. I could feel my breathing speed up, possibly from the adrenaline of what I was going to do and the heavy crying from earlier.
“YN stop, Think about Hayes and Matt- Think about the pain how much better you’ll feel when the blade glides across your skin. It’ll hurt a little at first but then you’ll feeling so good after.” My conscious argued with itself convincing me to stand up.
I grabbed the razor and sat back down taking a blade of setting the rest on the tub side. I held the razor above my wrist. I couldn’t do it. Not because anything was stopping me I physically couldn’t do it. I could see myself shaking. I felt my chest contract with pain. I tried to control my breathing and hold in the crying but that made it worse. The blade slipped out of my hand clinking as it hit the bath tub. Every time I took a breath in it felt like there was a ballon in my throat that wouldn’t let the air reach my lungs. My lungs felt hot and empty as I started wheezing trying to get air into them. I can’t breathe.
I was having an anxiety attack and no one was here and no one’s going to be here for a long time. I had to sit here blubbering and endure this by myself, calm myself down. I tried to remember the breathing pattern I learned but I couldn’t remember what it was. I tried thinking about my happy place but I couldn’t go there. I thought of Hayes’ voice but I couldn’t remember it. I tried to think of Matt or Burnie or Kristen or Dylan or Mom or Dad but I couldn’t remember them. My mind was blank. I couldn’t think of anything but how scared I was and how much my lungs hurt.
I unlocked the door to Matt and YN’s apartment. Yes I had a key to my girlfriend’s and brothers apartment and she had a key to mine and Nash’s.
“YN!” I called walking around. I heard music playing and the shower going. “YN it’s Hayes! I’ll let you finish your shower!” I yelled to her letting her know I was her. I walked in the kitchen opening the fridge to see left over pizza. Sweet. “YN I’m eating the pizza in the fridge I’m putting your slice in the oven!” I yelled knowing I probably wouldn’t get a response. I put a 15 minute timer on the microwave and went to the couch turning on the tv.
15 minutes later.
I heard the microwave beep. Where’s YN? I know she takes long showers but who knows how long she was in there before I got here. I took her pizza out of the oven and turned the oven off.
I decided to check on YN. As I went closer down the hall I heard what sound like crying. No
My pace sped up. Think positive Hayes she’s been doing good. She’s been taking her mess and she hasn’t hurt herself in a long time. As I got closer the crying became more audible over the music and I could hear wheezing too. How long has she been like this? I was here and I didn’t help her. I didn’t check on her. My speed walk turned into a run and I bursts into the bathroom and yanked back the shower curtain. Fuck Hayes. I turned off the shower and grabbed a towel wrapping it around YN scoping her up.
“Don’t worry I’m here. I’m going to take care of you, okay. You don’t have to do this alone. It’s going to be okay. Just breathe in and out. In and out. You’re going to be okay.” I cooed as I walked to her room. I laid down her down on the bed. “Is there anything I can get you?” I asked holding her hand.
“I’m cold.” She whispered.
I immediately took off my jacket and started to put it on her
“Don’t worry, you’ll feel better once you take your medicine.” YN shook her head up and down. “YN I’m going to go-” I explained slowly.
“Please don’t leave me.” Her shaky voice stopped me in my tracks
“I’m just going to get your medicine down the hall I promise I’ll be back.” I re-assured her.
“No Hayes please don’t leave me.” She griped my arm as hard as she could which wasn’t very hard.
She was so fragile right now. Her eyes were red from crying, her face flushed, and she was shaking. I hated when she got like this. I always felt so helpless. If we could trade and I could have her anxiety attacks I would do it in a heartbeat.I can’t be here 24/7 to look after her.
I picked her up and carried her to the kitchen with me setting her on the kitchen counter. I looked through the cabinets for her medicine and read the instructions to see if it’s one pill or two. Fuck. These expired a month ago. Okay Hayes don’t panick;you can’t show that you’re w tried. I turned around
“You’re going to be okay. It’s not the place that’s bothering you;it’s the thought.” I tried to calm her down. “YN come on you can get through this.” I tried reassuring her. “Focus on your breathing.”
She nodded her red face sniffling. I instructed her on her breathing an she started to calm down a little.
“Okay now let’s try to lift our arm over our head.” I raised my arm and YN tried to mirror me.
“I can’t.” She broke down reaching for me. I rubbed her back as her hot tears drenched my neck. She’s never this bad. I can’t do this. I can’t help her. I closed my eyes as a single tear slid down my face and pulled out my phone.
I was on a lunch break on the set of my new movie carefully eating a sandwich with a bib around me so I wouldn’t mess up my clothes or make up. I heard my phone buzz on the table multiple times. I picked it up to see Hayes had texted me multiple time.
“I found YN in the bath tub having an anxiety attack.”
“I don’t know how long she was there before I got here.”
“She’s all out of medicine.”
“I can’t calm her down.”
“I’m at your apartment.”
I hoped up and ran at my trailer to go find the director. Thank goodness they weren’t far on the next set setting up the next scene .
“Excuse me, I am so sorry but my sister was just found in a bath tub having an anxiety attack and my parents aren’t in California and she’s all out of medicine and-”
“Go, I understand my son has panic attacks.” The director said.
A wave of relief washed over me as I ran to get my keys from my trailer and drive home.
At the apartment
I frantically unlocked the door to hear breathy sobs coming from YN who was sitting on the counter wrapped around Hayes. YN turned around hearing the door slam.her face was red as a beet and she was shaking.
I slowly started to open my eyes but then I closed them when I heard voices. Forgive me for my nosiness.
“I’m so sorry Matt. I feel like I let you down.” I heard Hayes’ familiar country accent come out as his voice cracked.
“How many times do I need to tell you it’s fine.” Matt countered.
“No it’s not I wasn’t there for her. I should’ve checked on her earlier.”
“You didn’t know what had happened. You can’t blame yourself these things happen.”
“But I don’t want them to happen. Matt I don’t think you understand. You couldn’t imagine how immense my love is for your sister is. I just want to be able to be there for her.She needed me and I couldn’t be there for her. I want to be her night and shining armor-”
“And you are. Hayes I don’t think you understand how much YN loves you. I can see it in her eyes. She knows you’re not perfect and she knows you love her and you’re trying. Hayes It’s not your fault, so stop blaming yourself. You’re knew to this who anxiety thing but you’ll get a hang of it eventually.” Matt cut him off. “I’m going back on set I don’t know when I’ll be back home from shooting.” Matts voice echoed off the hallway walls into the room.
I waited a few minutes to open my eyes.I squeezed Hayes tight nuzzling into him.
“Morning Sleeping Beauty.” He dipped down and kissed my forehead.
“It’s not morning.” I corrected.
“It is somewhere in the world.” He pecked my lips. “I’m glad you’re okay.” He rubbed my back.
“Yeah, you know it’s not your fault right. And you shouldn’t blame yourself for not finding me sooner or not being able to calm me down because you helped me a lot you made me feel safe.” I kissed his jawline.
“I thought you were asleep.” He groaned. “I’m sorry I just felt so useless. I couldn’t make your anxiety attack stop and I had to call Matt.”
“Hayes you did the best you could,it’s okay.” I reassured him.
“No it’s not okay. Matt’s not always going to be there. What happens if we go on our honeymoon or something and we forget your medicine and you have an anxiety attack and I can’t calm you down. Matt’s not always going to be an hour away.” Hayes raised his voice.
I was speechless. I never thought Hayes ever thought that far into the future.
“ I-I don’t know why to say. I never thought about it like that.” I whispered.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to shout. I just hate feeling useless like that. I want to be able to protect you and help you but I can’t. If there was anyway we could trade and I could have you anxiety attacks I would do whatever it toke to make that happen. I love you so much and I hate to see you in pain or upset or sad in anyway shape or form.” Hayes held me tightly as he talked into my neck. “YN when Matt was helping you I went to turn the shower of an-and I found a loose blade.” He admitted pulling my chin up so I was looking into his eyes.“YN whatever you’re feeling you can tell me. I’ll always be here for you in any way shape or form. And if you don’t want to talk a out it to me talk to Matt or Kristen or Dylan or someone I don’t care as long you get help. There are so many people who love and care about you.” He kissed my forehead as he wiped the tears that fell from my eyes.
“Thank you so much for that, for everything.” I squeezed him.
“Don’t. I’d go to hell and back for you. I just want you to be happy and okay. Why did you try to hurt yourself?” He asked.
“I don’t know I guess the hate was getting to me.” I replied. “Why are you even still with me? There are so many more beautiful girls out there who don’t have anxiety attacks?”
“Who gives a fuck about anxiety attacks. You’re so beautiful and kind. You’re so silly and never fail to make me laugh. Every second I’m with you I can’t help but smile in your presence. You’re so unique and outgoing. You persevere and you’re always so strong even if you don’t need to be. You have a heart of gold and Skylynn absolutely loves you. You know that when I say my prayers I thank God for sending me one of his angels to be my girlfriend.” Hayes declared.
I laughed at Hayes last sentence. this boy will be the death of me.
“I’m serious! Y/first/N Y/middle/N Y/last/N, I’m so in love with you if you left me I would never be the same.” Hayes kissed me soft and slow.
“I’m glad you feel that way because I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon.” I kissed him again.
“Now let’s watch Netflix and just relax.”
“You know my so well.” I smiled.
AN: Firstly thank you for 1k woo woo. 😘🎉 Secondly, I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles especially with something scaring like anxiety attacks. I had a similar experience the other day with my asthma at cross country. We ran 8 miles in 90-ish degrees and not even 100 meters from the school I started wheezing and I couldn’t breathe, but thank god I was running with a friend and didn’t have a full on asthma attack. Anyways, I tried my best to write about this but I’ve never had an anxiety attack so I’m sorry if I messed anything up. I did a lot of research to try not to mess it up. And to anyone dealing with depression there are many suicide hotlines (even a texting one if you’re shy) open that you don’t have to pay for and won’t show up on your parents phone bills. I’m always here to talk but remember I can’t answer anons privately and if you want to tell me something private but you don’t want to come off anon just tell me not to post it and I won’t. XO