I would like to say that i hope you have a safe trip to Cali and you will accomplish more than you have in MD. You’re going to achieve so much, I just know it. Even though you do tell me you’re scared that you might not make it and all that just remember God is by your side helping and guiding you towards your goals and path.
Honestly I feel like it was yesterday back in the day where we’d be up all night talking on the phone talking about the most pointless stuff to us fighting over M&M’s. Matt I’ve seen you grown so much and you’re becoming the perfect gentlemen. I’m happy to see that you’ve been learning from your mistakes, learned to stay humble, and know how to be the bigger person when others choose not to. I’m happy you’re almost there finding out who you are. I know in Cali it’ll be the perfect escape from it all in order for you to find the answers to all your questions in life.
Hopefully we can stick to our plan and I can live up there for grad school. And live our dreams in Cali like we’ve always talked about.
Keep making me proud Matt. No matter what, remember that I’m always there to support you.
So I answered this question a couple of days ago and I randomly thought more in depth with this topic. I mean, how would you feel if the person you like, care for, love, etc. get’s an aroused feeling from someone else? Yeah of course we’re all human, we are subjected to our own interests and opinions in what “turns us on” due to the attractions of our naked eye. But although you are looking at them with the thought of someone else whom you say you “care for” in your mind, how can you even continue to be aroused from it? I guess in my thoughts and views, I just see it as you don’t find that person you care for physically attractive enough that you found someone else that fulfilled that desire of attraction for you. And for that, you’re merely using your significant other as a “scratching post”.
Again, we are all humans. We have our eye candies. But at the end of the day, when two people are conjoined together through physical and emotional attraction, you’re going to wanna hop on them, not with the intention of hopping to the other person. And if you do happen to find the bosoms of a woman obscenely attractive, or the bulge of a man completely engaging, you wouldn’t wanna tell them. All it does it makes us feel like shit to be quite honest. (Now if you’re a confident soul who has no worries about providing the sexual and physical needs your significant other wants, then by all means you do you. Congratulations and keep fulfilling the confidence to you both.) But I’m just saying, there’s a sense of loyalty here. And I find the loyalty to be with all of their well being.
Others might say, “well what about pornography?”, “what about models? strippers? people who are supposed to attract the human eye?” Let’s address those topics.
Pornography- there’s a reason why spouses get angry with each other if they catch the other fondling with themselves. The action itself tends to disappoint the other just because it feels as if they’re not sexually pleased. But with the view of using pornography, videos, pictures, dick and boob pictures, regardless, they are not your partners. It lowers our self esteem. It makes us feel like we’re not providing you with your needs as much as you want us to which then makes you want to run away and escape to a virtual world where you think that can provide you more than we can. View it differently as you will, this is my opinion. I treat others the way that I want to be treated. And if I don’t want my significant other checking out other people in a sexual way, I expect the same from them. It’s only fair.
Models/Strippers/Whatever- That’s their job. They’re supposed to look good. Attractive. Appealing. It’s their job. How you handle it is on you. It’s your responsibility as to how you find their attractions towards you. This is what you don’t wanna do; you’re having sex with your significant other and while you’re enjoying it, the model that you have met that same day instantly pops into your head and you all of a sudden call their name out. Yeah. That’s your fault.
You can appreciate beauty and sexiness. You can appreciate their looks that God has blessed them with, (or that they worked hard on…….. with extra money..) But appreciating a persons looks is completely different than being sexually attractive to them. You know you’re truly loyal to someone when you can say, “Yeah they’re good looking. Yeah they’re cute, handsome, pretty, whatever. But I got me someone who is just as that if not better than *insert name here*” or along those lines.
Don’t be a scratching post people. You deserve to be on someone’s mind sexually. It makes you feel good about yourself knowing that you can be someones reason why they’re aroused. If your partner can’t seem to shake off the thought of another person, they don’t deserve you. And don’t you dare change your appearance just to live up to the looks your partner sees in others. You want to be with someone who likes you and is attracted to you for you. Don’t you ever forget your self worth. Talk to them about what makes you feel uncomfortable, be open to them, because you don’t deserve to feel like you’re a scratching post at all.
If you feel like the person you like pushes you to the side, gives you the “okie doke”, and you feel, I don’t know, somewhat forgotten, what would you do? How would you feel? Would you still be into that someone who you feel like doesn’t give you your time of day? For me personally, I always make sure the person I like is never forgotten, is shown that I’m always thinking of them, make them feel like.. I don’t know, that they’re still a special thought in my day. I’m big on communication and if there’s a lack of communication, even in regards to efforts being made between the two, I guess it just means that one person cares a little bit more than the other. And sometimes that’s where things would get messed up. Too much expectation you’d say. But if you feel like you give your time of day, your sacrifices to let them feel important in your life and in your thoughts, I feel it is respectful and equal enough to feel and see that kind of effort back. If not, let yourself know what you feel like you deserve. Tell that to the person you like, if they understand and show you efforts, they’re a keeper, maybe continue, it shows consistency. And if they don’t, you’re only an okie doke. You’re only a sideline. And do you think you deserve to feel that way.. at all?
Because after all.. actions speak louder than words.
I’m not going to lie, my past relationship made me feel as if all those attributes were taken for granted. And because of that, I felt as if it had damaged me. I’m scared to meet anyone and when I do, I give them high standards to make sure that I would never go through such pain and sorrow ever again. I don’t want to be lied to, I don’t want to be cheated against, I don’t want to be physically abused, I don’t. I have too much self respect to ever deserve anything lower than those actions.
But here is one thing that I can say, not everyone out there are the same as your past. For all you know, someone can easily change your perspective on things. I’m trying to be open minded, I really am. And I shouldn’t have the past define any future events with any significant others. I’m not going to lie, I have a hard time letting down my walls, I have a hard time trusting and letting people in emotionally because I feel that I’ll be too vulnerable and be brought back down once again. I really am trying to fix myself.
Sometimes I wouldn’t even want to date myself because I feel conflicted in my own thoughts that someone could easily think that I’m crazy. And I wouldn’t even blame them. I think I am.. just a tad bit. Maybe. Probably. But my mind can make amends with each other when they agree.
I just hope that anyone out there who I’m lucky to find intriguing and is willing enough to be patient with me, that when they like me, they’ll accept all of me. Even my emotional struggles and my damaged scars. And I want them to turn me inside out and teach me how it feels to be happy again. I may not provide the best kind of physical looks that satisfies the human eye, but I can offer the best kind of personality and confident that I know how to treat someone right. Treat someone as how they deserved to be treated.
I don’t want to find a better person, I want to find the person that makes a better me.
Not the first time I’ve heard those words. Sick when it came to his alcoholism, sick when he was diagnosed with diabetes, now.. sick to an incurable chronic liver disease. I mean, at first when my mom told us about the diagnosis, to be honest, we all had that thought of “Oh dad will be fine! He’ll find a joke out of it. He always does. He’s a strong guy”. But then my mom called me simply telling me to talk to my Dad.
Okay here’s something about my dad and I’s relationship. My dad and I were never close. We always loved each other, but when it came to communicating, it was usually with my mom. My mom was more understanding, was more vocal. My dad was just that lenient, “do what your mom says.” or “go ask your mom.” He had the simplest job as a father. Literally, he never made any decisions, “go ask your mom”. And I guess you can say that my dad has numerous children on his side. I mean, I kid you not, 18 brothers and 26 sisters. Playa playaaaaa. Now what I didn’t get that from this whole time, me being the baby of the whole “Almodiel Family”, was that he still focused on his children. All of his money and finances went straight to them when they clearly were old enough to carry themselves on their own two feet. I guess you can say that I was a bit resentful towards him. I held a lot of grudges towards my dad. But just because he wasn’t as good as a father that I wanted him to be, he still supported me, loved me, cared for me, anything really.
Now what happened with the conversation I had on the phone with him simply goes as this…
Me: Hey Dad, how’s it going?
Dad: Yeah everything’s fine here. Did your mom tell you?
Me: .. yeah, that’s why I’m calling you. I just wanted to check up on you.
Dad: Yeah you know, this disease, I don’t know how severe it is, but you know anak, if I die, I.. die.
That right there pretty much brought me to tears. I tried to maintain composure. I didn’t want my dad to know I was crying. Hell, I didn’t even expect myself to cry at all during this conversation. I told my dad that he wasn’t, not just yet. He still has a lot of work and happiness he needs to show right now. Apparently, I was the first out of all his children, literally all of his children, to call and ask how he was doing. That didn’t hurt me really, what hurt me was the loneliness my dad was feeling. I mean c'mon, my mom wanted to divorce him, and with that still in his mentality, he’s going to be alone. And I busted out crying and immediately told him that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being an asshole when I was at the time, I’m sorry for treating you wrong and seemed so condescending. I’m sorry for doubting you, for not opening up to you. Dad I’m sorry for treating you like shit. If your time did come, I wouldn’t want you to pass away thinking your son thought of you as dirt. But you brought humor, music, a different way of thinking, love and you molded me into who I am today.
You see, I’ve always known that I was going to attend my parents funeral, but I honestly didn’t think it’d be this soon. I really can’t question what God has in His plan. I can’t question it at all. It just sucks that now because of this situation, it’s brought out actions in my dad I’ve never seen before. Compassion and understanding, loving, emotions really. I hated how I heard my father on the phone today. It seriously broke my heart.
I’m coming home in a month Dad. I’ll be home to be with ya and to spend time with you. I’ll continue to make you proud and I owe it to you. You will always be in my prayers Pa. We’re always here.