the foxes as popular text posts #1

neil josten: i hate that my first reaction to stress is always Time To Die™ like ok calm down edgelord.

andrew minyard: they call me… 7 Knives. because that’s how many knives it takes me to cook things because I keep puttin em in the fuckin sink without thinking about it

kevin day: me rollerblading into my therapist’s office this week with sunglasses and a piña colada: maurice, you’re not gonna fucking believe this,

nicky hemmick: *walks up to straight couple* which one of you is the bee and which one of you is the fully grown adult woman who left her fiance for the bee?

matt boyd: *begins breakdancing gently* what’s wrong, son

dan wilds: listen, I’m a nice person so if I’m a bitch to you, you need to ask yourself why.

renee walker: it’s all fun and games until you remember the person you were from 2007-2010.

allison reynolds: how to kiss a boy: 1. grab his waist, 2. slip your hand in his pocket, 3. steal his wallet, 4. dont even kiss him, 5. just run.

aaron minyard: Why are there 2 A’s in Aaron? Why not 6? What’s stopping us?

david wymack: you gotta put your heart into it! no. no, not literally– not your actual– no. how did you even manage to get that. is it even yours. put that. away.

betsy dobson: [at a session with neil, about andrew] It’s weird to think that people who are 5ft are only 5 subways long.

abby winfield: always practice safe sex!! until you have mastered it. then you are permitted to practice Danger Sex

I cannot stop thinking about @local-astronaut‘s a look into Matt’s phone post and the “we love neil” chat gave me ideas.

  • Renee adds Andrew to the chat
  • Andrew doesn’t ever respond, but doesn’t block them or ask to leave the chat either
  • He just straight up doesn’t acknowledge the chat
  • Everyone in it assumes Andrew is just ignoring them in the chat and carries on, pretty much forgetting he’s even in it
  • At one point they decide to have a competition to see who can get the cutest picture of Neil
  • They give it a week and whoever sends the cutest picture by the end of Thursday gets 10 bucks each from the others
  • Andrew of course doesn’t acknowledge that, just like he doesn’t acknowledge anything else they send him
  • But he watches the pictures coming in even more than usual all week
  • The one of Neil smiling after Matt called him one of his best friends
  • The selfie Dan took of her hugging Neil with their cheeks smushed together
  • The one Allison secretly took from the back of Matt’s truck of Neil staring dreamily at Andrew while he’s sitting on the trunk of his car smoking
  • The one Renee takes of him sitting between Dan and Matt on the couch in the girls’ room, all wrapped in a blanket
  • The one Nicky sends of Neil standing in the kitchen, yawning and stretching, two minutes after getting up
  • The one Dan sends of Matt standing behind Neil, grinning as he slouches with his forearms resting across Neil’s shoulders while Neil scowls at the camera
  • The one Allison takes of Neil looking super confused after she purposely referenced a movie he hasn’t even heard of
  • Late Thursday they’re all arguing over which picture is cutest and asking how they’re supposed to pick a winner and questioning if there was any way they could convince Andrew to judge or if they should all just have to vote for one that isn’t theirs to be cutest and see what wins that way
  • Andrew sends a message to the group chat for the first time ever at 11:59 pm on Thursday
  • It’s a picture of Neil being so cute that it physically pains Andrew and he 500% wants to kill him for daring to make him feel like this
  • Neil’s curled up in the fetal position asleep cradled in one of the bean bag chairs and his hair is sticking out in every fucking direction and his arm’s reaching out so that he’s still holding Andrew’s hand in his sleep and there’s the faintest hint of a smile on his lips
  •  Neil’s curled up facing where his and Andrew’s hand are intertwined, resting on the edge of the beanbag chair, because he definitely fell asleep staring at Andrew so that he wouldn’t miss one extra second of Andrew’s beautiful face
  • With the picture Andrew sends “I win, fuckers.”
  • None of them argue and Andrew doesn’t respond to the group chat again, but they know he’s watching it
  • Neil looks super confused when the next morning at practice Matt, Dan, Renee, Allison, and Nicky each cough up ten bucks to Andrew without even being asked
the foxes as popular text posts #3

neil josten: took a DNA test and found out I’m 100% back on my bullshit

andrew minyard: people always shoot down my ideas and I’m sick of it. two sentences in and everyone’s already shouting “what the fuck that’s illegal” or “you can’t do that” let me talk dear god

kevin day: mid life crisis ? no no, mid DAY crisis, happens every day

nicky hemmick: if u can’t handle me at my worst, u don’t deserve me at my longest yeah boi ever

matt boyd: my tombstones gonna say “ripped in peace” as i flex forever in my tiny coffin

dan wilds: Girls aren’t playing hard to get…they don’t want you.

allison reynolds: the bible says adam and eve so I did both

renee walker: sometimes ‘brb’ stands for ‘be ready bitch’ so you have to be careful

aaron minyard: do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut the fuck up even when they aren’t talking

david wymack: im adopting everyone im tired of seeing people suffer bad experiences due to their shitty parents. i am your dad now

betsy dobson: pick your battles. pick… pick fewer battles than that. put some battles back. that’s too many

abby winfield: my transformation into a bitter angry old woman is almost complete

+ BONUS

jeremy knox: i told a lady i really liked ghosts and she said “are you being serious or are you just saying that in case one is listening”

jean moreau: je suis sick of this shit

sara alvarez: my body is 80% respect women juice, the other 20% is im gay juice

laila dermott: people with the same name as me are cute but they need to remember who is in charge

erik klose: gayer than intended: an autobiography

riko moriyama: i identify as an inconvenience to the world

listen

I CANNOT be the only one who is truly in love with Andrew Joseph Minyard’s canon height. Like it really does just make everything he does that much more impressive. Here let me give you some examples:

•During one of the games, 6'5 starting backliner Matt Boyd hid behind 5 foot even Andrew Minyard when being chased by a character only referred to as Gorilla.

•Without even pulling out his knives, all Andrew had to do was stand between Matt and Kevin to get Matt to back off.

• 5ft BABY Andrew nearly kills 4 grown men when they attacked Nicky outside of the club??? Not just A man. FOUR. MEN.

• despite his height he still manages to take his short legs clear across the field at record breaking pace to break Riko’s arm before he can decapitate Neil. A+, Minyard.

•ALSO let’s just take into account that exy racquets are customized to the height and arm length of the holder SO while Andrews net is bigger the length of the stick is short MEANING when Andrew blocked The Impossible Goal™ in the bottom corner he had to be moving quicker than a fucking bat out of hell.

•despite being called a “midget with an attitude problem” no one fucks with Neil or his hubby bc they know better…

“When I leave you wanna keep *hand motions* doin dis. But den when I come around you don’t wanna POST UP.”

•Also Andrew is canonically 3 inches shorter than Neil so Neil actually has to bend down to kiss his boyfriend OR (bear with me) Andrew has to stand on his damn tip toes I’m done with this