my mind: You know, some guys my age man… they forget about drinking milk. I don’t know why, maybe they forget how good milk is. Milk’s great. It’s natural, uh… it’s satisfying. I like it when it tastes cold. You just can’t beat it. So don’t you forget it. I’m drinking milk for good.
The Cast of The Outsiders Now as Members of Your Dysfunctional Family Thanksgiving
C Thomas Howell (Ponyboy)
-Creepy Uncle™ vibes.
-He’s not actually your uncle he’s like your dad’s second cousin’s nephew in law or some shit you really can’t remember.
-But he drinks milk straight from the carton and it makes you really uncomfortable.
-Don’t look him in the eyes.
-Smells like weed.
-You get forced to sit next to him on the couch after dinner and then he turns out to be a pretty cool guy.
-Has this weird scar on his elbow with a whole elaborate story behind it.
-Brought the 20-something year old he’s dating which is kind of weird but they’re making it work and they seem happy so okay.
-Takes all of the little kids out for ice cream when everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other so they don’t have to be around that.
Leif Garret (Bob)
-Creepy Uncle™ vibes^2
-You do actually want to avoid him.
-Like he’s not even related to you. At all.
-Nobody knows what he’s doing in your house.
-“Wait, I thought he came with you!" "No, he came with you!”
-Drinks all he beer and just makes everybody really uncomfortable.
-He’s only there for 20 minutes.
-The next thing you know he and the turkey are both gone.
-You never see any of them either again.
Diane Lane (Cherry)
-That one really awesome aunt everybody loves.
-Gives throughtful Christmas presents.
-Has like 10 kids.
-Still looks gorgeous after all of them.
-Is the one who put this whole thing together God bless her heart.
-Ends up curled up on the kitchen linoleum crying and chugging a bottle of red wine after everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other somebody give this poor woman a hug.
Rob Lowe (Sodapop)
-Your mom’s older brother.
-The Fun Uncle.
-Tells all the kids too many stories about his crazy college days.
-“…and that’s why you shouldn’t do drugs, kids.”
-Gets the fuck out of there the second everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other. Smart dude.
Michelle Merink (Marcia)
-Your mom’s younger sister.
-The one gay family member.
-Everyone is going out of their way to avoid acknowledging the fact that she’s gay.
-Like literally she brings her wife of 10 years and everybody’s still like, “Aunt Michelle and her…friend.”
-Brought a cassorole.
-Is done with this shit.
-Leaves with her wife as soon as everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other. They go to her wife’s family’s Thankgiving dinner and it is a much much better experience.
Patrick Swayze (Darry)
-The awesome grandpa who’s been dead for years.
-Everyone’s remembering him fondly and telling heartwarming stories about him while also desperately trying to avoid actually bringing up the fact that he’s dead.
Matt Dillon (Dallas)
-Your second cousin’s new husband thay she brought with her.
-It’s the first time anybody’s meeting him because they got married after like three months of knowing each other.
-He’s super uncomfortable and trying his best to be polite like he compliments your evil great great aunt and offers to do the dishes and everything.
-Yeah by the end of the night all of the younger girl cousins have crushes on him and all of the alcoholic unhappily married women are Jealous™
-Is super confused and kind of disturbed when everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other but he knows better than to ask any questions.
Emilio Estevez (Two-Bit)
-Another person who you can’t actually remember how your related to.
-You only ever see him at Thanksgiving otherwise he might as well not even exist.
-Staying out of the drama.
-Eating his pie.
-Takes his pie into the bathroom to finish it when everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other.
Ralph Macchio (Johnny)
-That one fully grown cousin who they make eat at the kids’ table when they run out of room.
-Joins Emilio Estevez in the bathroom when everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other. They sit in the bathtub together and eat pie and have a heartfelt chat it’s actually kind of nice.
Tom Cruise (Steve)
-Your dad’s dickhead little brother who didn’t bother to show up.
-Grandma set a placemat out for him out of spite.
-It’s just…sitting there.
-He’s probably out having a good time somewhere far away when everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other.
-Honestly who can really blame him you’d ditch Thanksgiving every year too if you could.
Glenn Withrow (Tim)
-Married to your dad’s sister.
-Is in a band.
-Also smells like weed.
-Pretty Chill dude until everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other. Then he manages to make three people cry and put a brand-new whole in grandma’s wall.
S.E. Hinton (Nurse)
-Great great aunt.
-Is still alive…somehow.
-Yells everything because she can’t hear.
-Hits people with her cane.
-Is probably the reason everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other.
“I used to talk about killing myself all the
time, man. But I don’t wanna die now. It ain’t long enough. Sixteen
years ain’t gonna be long enough. Hell, I wouldn’t care so much if there
hadn’t been so many things I haven’t done yet. So many damn things I
ain’t seen or done. That time when we were in Windrixville was the only
time I’ve ever been away from my neighborhood.”