How Bleach characters would have ruined Bleach Lists Girl’s wedding (had they come)
Wedding + Bleach requested by @crimsonightmare . :)
My actual wedding went off with very few hitches! Yes, my new wife stepped on and ripped my dress, and a bridesmaid tripped both up and down the aisle, and my hair was so short that my veil couldn’t stay on and fell off during the ceremony…but all of that was both minor and funny. But let’s be real. If any Bleach characters had crashed my wedding, it would have been RUINED. In fact, here are the ways that various Bleach characters would have ruined my wedding, if they had come!
Oh, and just a note for my new(er) readers: BLG stands for Bleach Lists Girl and is me!
1. Rukia: wears her bankai outfit as formal wear
An elderly relative, clasping Rukia’s hand: You are a more beautiful bride than I ever imagined.
BLG: THIS IS WHY YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO WEAR WHITE
2. Hitsugaya: Does not enjoy dinner
Hitsugaya: Wait, why does everyone else have steak or chicken but I have chicken fingers?
Matsumoto: It’s probably nothing!
Hitsugaya: In fact, the only other people who have this dinner…
Hitsugaya: …are all KIDS
Hitsugaya: DID I GET SERVED THE KID’S MEAL?!
3. Yachiru: Enjoys the dessert (too much)
BLG: Uh…didn’t there used to be a dessert bar here?
4. Grimmjow: Mistakes the dancing for fighting
Ichigo: Dude, why did you punch that groomsman in the face??
Grimmjow: He freakin’ challenged me!!
Ichigo: HE WAS DANCING
Grimmjow: It was CLEARLY a pre-punch dance!
Ikkaku: I make that mistake all the time.
Ichigo: NOT HELPING
5. Ikkaku: Is amazed (by all the wrong things)
Ikkaku: The number of flowers the brides had to grow - incredible!
Ikkaku: And they all turned out so uniform and pretty!
Yumichika: You’re right, Ikkaku.
Yumichika: But maybe you should loudly observe this at a time when the brides AREN’T walking down the aisle.
Ikkaku (whispers): Sorry!
6. Yoruichi: Notices that the brides love cats
Yoruichi: I mean, the ceremony was very cat-heavy.
BLG: It was.
Yoruichi: You clearly wanted a cat at your wedding.
BLG: I did.
Yoruichi: So my showing up in cat form is a problem because…?
BLG: No, that was fine!
BLG: Turning human to dance with my brother and forgetting to have clothes on - that was the problem.
Yoruichi: Yeah, I keep forgetting the clothes thing.
BLG: THAT’S THE PROBLEM
6. Aizen: Gives a wedding toast
BLG: [sitting with her head in her hands]
Maid-of-honor: Look, things happen.
BLG: It was a twenty minute speech.
Maid-of-honor: The wedding is still going well!
BLG: He recapped what he had already said halfway through.
Maid-of-honor: This will be funny later!
BLG: It wasn’t even about us! It was about Ichigo!
Maid-of-honor: Yeah, that was a little weird.
BLG: Who gave Aizen a microphone???
7. Ulquiorra: Wants everyone to know his opinion on feelings
Ulquiorra: I once experienced a fleeting glimpse of what you humans might refer to as an ‘emotion,’
Ulquiorra: I immediately turned to dust.
Bridesmaid: Cool but this is a wedding.
Ulquiorra: Needs more dust.
8. Matsumoto: Gets very drunk
Matsumoto: Captain! It’s your song! You have to dance!!
Hitsugaya: I-I am not a single lady!
Matsumoto: Close enough!
Hitsugaya: PUT MY HAND DOWN
9. Ukitake: Brings a wedding gift
BLG: [staring at the nine-foot tall sculpture of her and her wife]
Ukitake: Akon made it!
10. Lisa: Leaves her gift on the gift’s table
Lisa: Which is exactly where gifts should go.
Kensei: Not if it’s unwrapped porn!!!
11. Bazz-B: Chooses the wrong venue for his fingers speech
Bazz-B: And that’s why one finger is all it takes!
Groomsman: I know this is a lesbian wedding, but is that really appropriate?
Bazz-B: What what do you think I’m talking about?
12. Ichigo: Is somehow better at being a bride than the actual brides
BLG (muttering): He LOOKED prettier than us…
BLG: Had a better dance…
BLG: Greeted all the tables way faster…
BLG: Pretty sure he killed a couple of hollows…
BLG: HE’S NOT EVEN A BRIDE - HOW IS HE BETTER AT IT THAN US?!
If Hitsugaya asked other characters for help with his paperwork...
As requested by anon. :)
Hitsugaya has decided he needs help with paperwork! Or perhaps he is playing a paperwork related game. Either way, he is going around asking other Bleach characters if they will help him with his paperwork. What will be the result?
Hitsugaya: Matsumoto, I need your help with some paperwork.
Matsumoto: Ooh, captain, I’d love to, but I’ve already promised to go drinking with Kira and Hisagi!
Hitsuagaya: I’m your captain!
Hitsugaya: YOU NEED A BETTER EXCUSE THAN THAT
Hitsugaya: Ukitake, I have all of this paperwork I have to do and -
Ukitake: Of course I’ll help you!
Ukitake: Now, which paperwork do you least mind being speckled with blood stains?
Hitsugaya: Maybe I’ll ask someone else.
Ukitake: Wait! At least take some candy!
Hiyori: What’s this? Some kind of weird flirting thing that short guys use?
Hiyori: YOU PERVERT
Hitsugaya: I JUST SAID HI
Kenpachi: Sure, I can help.
Kenpachi: Yo! Yumichika!
Kenpachi: Help this guy with his paperwork.
Kenpachi: Yumichika loves doing paperwork.
Yumichika:Loves it?? I’m just the only one who will do it!!!
Hitsugaya: I know that feeling.
Hinamori: Why haven’t you asked me, Hitsugaya-kun?
Hitsugaya: It’s just that you…
Hitsugaya: Well, you’ve had a rough couple of years.
Hitsugaya: And I won’t burden you any further than I already have!
Hinamori: It’s paperwork. Not a stabbing.
Hinamori: I swear, captains are so dramatic…
Hitsugaya: I AM NOT DRAMATIC
Luppi: Look at you, tiny shinigami, trying to get other people to help you with your work!
Luppi: I could destroy eight piles of paperwork all by myself.
Hitusgaya: Do, not destroy.
Hitsugaya: I’m looking or someone to do them.
Luppi: Oh? Then why did you ask the espada of destruction?
Hitsugaya: I never even asked you!
Luppi: And you’ll come to regret that choice!
Hitsugaya: What is even going on???
7. Cang Du
Cang Du: Give me the paperwork, Hitsugaya Toshiro.
Cang Du: I have already possessed your zanpakuto, your soul.
Cang Du: It is only right that I take from you the rest of your identity as well.
Hitsugaya: Uh, it’s paperwork, not my “identity.”
Cang Du: Well, from what I’ve heard…
Hitsugaya: MY LOVE OF PAPERWORK HAS BEEN SOMEWHAT OVERBLOWN YOU KNOW
Gin: I’m hurt, Hitsugaya.
Gin: That you never asked me for help.
Gin: You know that I love to do what I can to help out my fellow captains.
Hitsugaya: No thanks. I have enough work without getting caught up in a murder web.
Gin: A murder web? Through paperwork? How on earth would I manage that?
Hitsugaya: I don’t know.
Gin: But you want to find out?
Karin: Well, I guess I can help.
Karin: Since you helped me with soccer or whatever.
Hitsugaya: Uh, I never asked you to -
Karin: Of course, since I don’t know anything about Soul Society really, you’ll have to teach me everything before I do the paperwork.
Karin: But that’s cool.
Hitsugaya: …is this just an excuse to learn about Soul Society?
Karin: Well it’s not like my brother is chatty!
Ichigo: Toshiro, look -
Hitsugaya: IT’S CAPTAIN HITSUGAYA
Ichigo: You know I’m always down for rescuing anybody from any situation…
Ichigo: But I’m trying to cultivate my reputation, you know?
Ichigo: It’s hard enough trying to keep my good grades and love of Shakespeare on the down low!
Hitsugaya: You like Shakespeare?
Ichigo: I don’t want people to think I’m a -
Ichigo (whispers): Nerd.
Hitsugaya: Don’t think you need to worry about that.
Byakuya: Help? With paperwork?
Byakuya: We are captains of the Gotei-13.
Byakuya: We do not request help.
Byakuya: - at least not with matters that are as mundane as paperwork.
American Ninja Warrior (the version which I am familiar with) is a show on which contestants try to make their way through a physically challenging course as fast as possible. Most people fail. But the crowd and the announcers cheer them on, and it’s quite frankly a happy show. But what if the members of the Gotei-13 decided to try their hands at a Soul Society version of it? How would each of them do?
Normally Matt Iseman and Akbar Gbaja-Biamila are the hosts of this show, but since it’s the Gotei-13 version, we’re gonna let Ikkaku and Iba do the honors!
Iba: True to form, HIRAKO SHINJI, the backwards ninja, is trying to do the whole course backwards! He’s off on the flying steps and -
Iba: -and into the water he goes!
Ikkaku: Wow! That was not a good plan!
Iba: Looks like he went butt-first into disaster!
Iba: This show is all about the puns.
Ikkaku: After breezing through the first five obstacles, Isane has made it to the warped wall!
Iba: This is a hard one for many contestants, especially since we outlawed flying.
Ikkaku: She’s running for it and - she made it! She made it!
Iba: Her height allowed her to easily grasp the top of the wall!
Ikkaku: Maybe, for the first time, she’ll be glad that she’s so tall.
Iba: This game is so good for people!
Ikkaku: I’ve been waiting for this one, Iba.
Ikkaku: The paragon of strength and violence - Zaraki Kenpachi, Captain of Squad 11!
Ikkaku: He’s approaching the course and he -
Ikkaku: He appears to be walking directly through the water.
Ikkaku: H-he just smashed the rolling thunder log to pieces!
Ikkaku: Did anybody tell him the rules??
Ikkaku: CAPTAIN NO
Iba: And now it’s time for MY captain!
Iba: With his size and weight, it may be difficult for him to -
Ikkaku: Iba, look! He bounds across the floating steps with nimbleness and grace!
Iba: Yes! Perhaps he can do this!
Iba: Or perhaps he will be too heavy and pull the rolling thunder log directly into the water.
Iba: Poor captain!
Iba: YOU DID AMAZING
Ikkaku: Competing through special invitation, Ichigo has fallen on Bungee Road, leaving the crowd in shock! He’s now standing with Matsumoto - let’s see what he has to say!
Matsumoto: Ichigo! You didn’t quite complete the course - what happened?
Ichigo: It’s cool. I can never actually do anything until I fail a bunch of times first. Didn’t risk my life this time, unfortunately, which makes leveling up harder.
Ichigo: But I bet if I fail harder next time, I’ll gain the powers I need to complete the course!
Matsumoto: You, uh, know you only get one shot right?
Ikkaku: Such an impressive run from the Squad 6 captain!
Iba: He was definitely going for speed.
Iba: Running the entire course with no pause and no mistakes, he has nabbed the top spot with the course’s fastest time!
Ikkaku: He is definitely the one to beat now!
Ikkaku: HOLY FUCK SHE JUST DEMOLISHED BYAKUYA’S TIME
Iba: I COULD BARELY SEE HER SHE WAS A BLUR - AND THIS WAS WITHOUT FLASH STEP
Ikkaku: Man, Yorucichi is incredible!
Iba: That HAS to be a new record, Ikkaku!
Ikkaku: I’m on the ear piece with the producers and yes! Yes it IS a record!
Ikkaku: Fainting before the first obstacle and rolling into the water is the fastest anyone has ever failed!
Iba: Let’s hear it for the Squad 13 captain!
Ikkaku: As sad as I am that Renji did not quite make it through the course, I have to say - kneeling on the ground in front of the Warped Wall and yelling at the heavens? Very dramatic.
Iba: Certainly a moment to replay after the break!
Iba: That was - wow! One of the few to actually complete the course this evening, even Hanataro looks shocked by his own success!
Iba: He’s standing by with Matsumoto!
Matsumoto: Hana, you did it! What got you through the course?
Hanataro: Well, uh, it was basically what I do every day.
Hanataro: Floating steps are like when you gave to jump through floating debris in the sewer. Bungee row is like when the old ladder collapses underneath you and you gave to hang on for dear life for hours. That sort of thing.
Matsumoto: So your terrible life allowed you to do well on Ninja Warrior?
Hanataro: I guess? [gives sad thumbs up sign]
Ikkaku: Well, Iba, looks like Squad 4 is useful after all!
Iba: So close! But the diminutive Squad 10 captain can’t seem to quite make it over the Warped Wall!
Ikkaku: Being so short does make it incredibly difficult!
Iba: He’s made two attempts already. You can tell how tired he his from his heavy breathing and his….sword?
Iba: Wait a second, is he taller?
Ikkaku: BANKAI IS NOT ALLOWED
Ikkaku: Such style! Such grace!
Iba: Squad 3 Captain Rose Otoribashi definitely knows how to work the crowd!
Ikkaku: Striking poses after each obstacle - very classy!
Iba: Aaaaand he falls on the Salmon Ladder!
Iba: But, like, what a graceful fall!
Ikkaku: We will miss him!
13. Soi Fon
Iba: That was an incredible run, Ikkaku!
Ikkaku: Yes! Soi Fon’s incredible speed, strength, and agility allowed her to almost make that difficult course look easy!
Iba: She’s with Matsumoto now!
Matsumoto: Soi Fon, what do you have to say about your fantastic run?
Soi Fon: Utter failure.
Soi Fon: I should have been able to beat Yoruichi-sama’s time.
Matsumoto: But you are the second fastest! That means you even beat Byakuya!
Soi Fon: So what? Anyone can do that.
Byakuya: EXCUSE ME
Iba: The oldest competitor to ever compete on any version of this course ever, Head Captain Yamamoto is stepping up to the start of the course!
Ikkaku: And he’s - is he? - yes, he is taking off his shirt!
Iba: The crowd goes wild at the sight of the very unexpected rippling muscles!
Ikkaku: He’s breezing through the course! Look at him go!
Iba: Not as fast as some of our contestants, but he moves with such incredible purpose!
Ikkaku: He’s at the buzzer! He’s done it!
Iba: Ikkaku wait - he has a sign!
Iba: “That is how you do it, underlings.”
Ikkaku: That’s our head captain, for you!
Iba: The crowd is still in shock!
Iba: For Aizen to not only fail, but also fail on the first obstacle? Unbelievable!
Ikkaku: And such a dramatic failure, too.
Ikkaku: He basically swan-dived into the water.
Ikkaku: Very dramatic and very -
Ikkaku: Wait a second! Aizen is at the buzzer! The failure was just an illusion!
Bleach characters, Isane and Unohana used to date! Your reactions?
As requested by anon. :)
Ichigo: Whoa! Every time I think I’ve learned the most shocking thing about Unohana, I learn something MORE shocking!
Ichigo: First she’s the first Kenpachi, and now this!
Rukia: …how is having dated Isane more shocking?
Ichigo: A member of the Gotei-13? Dating? I didn’t think that happened!
Rukia: I’m married!
Ichigo: Yeah, and I never saw you guys date either!
Rukia: …you have a point.
Matsumoto: Imagine working together after you break up!
Matsumoto: I wonder if that was hard.
Hinamori: At least Unohana didn’t stab Isane and then leave to destroy the universe!
Sentaro: Did you know about your sister, booger-face?
Kiyone: Of course I did, fart-breath!
Kiyone: And the knowledge that someone can date their captain is what keeps me going! What gives me strength in the darkness! What gives me the courage to keep Captain Ukitake’s face pasted to the ceiling above my bed!
Sentaro: And here I thought you were just copying me!
Kiyone: I’VE NEVER BEEN COPYING YOU
Ikkaku: Do you suppose Isane knew about Captain Unohana’s…past?
Yumchika: Seems like that might be a difficult thing to never mention.
Ikkaku: No wonder Isane wanted to date her!
Yumichiak: Yes, Ikkaku. I’m sure that was it.
Hanataro: I-it’s nice to know that Squad 4 people CAN find love!
Hanataro: Even if it’s just with other Squad 4 people!
Shinji: Everybody seems pretty stuck on Unohana having been a killer in her past.
Shinji: But you know, the Unohana *I* know is the one who saved Hiyori when no one else could!
Shinji: She and Isane both believed in helping people.
Shinji: I bet that’s part of why they were a good match.
Hiyori: Since when are you so sappy, baldy??!!
Shinji: WERE YOU WAITING TO AMBUSH ME FROM THE ROOF?!
Kyoraku: Poor Isane. Unohana’s death must have been extra hard on her.
Kyoraku: Do you think she resents me for the whole ‘death match’ thing?
Kyoraku: Is that why she glares at me in captains’ meetings?
Komamura: Perhaps she is simply paying close attention.
Kenpachi: I killed the woman you loved.
Kenpachi: If you want to settle that, I’m always available.
Kenpachi: Just my way of being supportive.
Renji: Hey, Ichigo. Do you know what I just realized?
Renji: You beat a bunch of espada. Fought Aizen alone. Took on god-Yhwach.
Renji: But probably the most dangerous thing you did was gut-punch Unohana’s ex-girlfriend while Unohana watched.