ONI, how do you respond to rumors that letting Project Freelancer go public was a distraction stunt to get media attention off the reawakened Master Chief Petty Officer John-117 and his failing AI? Is it true that Dr. Halsey is in custody? What about Dr. Church? How does Chairman Hargrove fit into all of this? Also, where did the Spartans come from? xoxo Interstellar Daily
ah, ms. andrews! we were wondering when you were going to show up.
project freelancer’s public declassification and the master chief’s reappearance were not planned. we promise. we truly wish we didn’t have to talk about project freelancer, just thinking about how much money we pumped into that makes us sad. and we totally didn’t prop up a bigger AI failure to distract from what’s her face.
dr. halsey was “re-accommodated” as per the unsc and united spaceflight policies, and is enjoying a nice research position at ivanoff station probably. we stopped caring the second we threw her on that prowler.
while the death of dr. church is very unfortunate as justice is unable to be served, we watched seasons 1 through 14. we know that church will be back, probably, in some form.
hargrove is in custody, in the cell two cells down from ben giraud. we’re currently playing men at work’s “who can it be now” on loop. his massive conflict of interest and unethical dealings with charon industries and the oversight subcommittee are enough to put anyone behind bars. except us. we still get to legally do all that shit.
and finally, we got the spartans from the same place we buy freelancers and m808 main battle tanks: the lowest bidder.
thanks for the hard hitting interview, ms. andrews! and please ask your cameraman to stop sending us requests for live flood samples for his new wave zombie movie.