maryland-crabs

Why does nobody ever talk about how weird Maryland is? 

Nobody ever talks about Maryland, period. It’s like they forget it’s a state. There’s no real stereotypes about people from Maryland, because it’s right in the middle of the east coast, EXCEPT everyone from Maryland is obsessed with crabs and Old Bay seasoning. You may think I’m exaggerating, but my friend’s brother used to actually drink Old Bay straight. The only time I ever saw my boyfriend look at me with anything other than pure love and respect was when I said that I thought crabs served in the shell were overrated. McDonalds in Maryland serves Filet-o-Fish WITH OLD BAY SEASONING. Once I saw a production of The Little Mermaid in Maryland, and the actor playing the chef sang “now some Old Bay!” instead of “now some flour,” and the audience burst into rapturous applause in the middle of the song. Old Bay is as essential to Marylanders as flour.

The official state sport of Maryland is jousting. No joke.

And once, I went to a McDonalds’ down the road from Camp David while George W. Bush was staying there, and there were free-range chickens who lived in the parking lot. It made me uncomfortable.

Edgar Allan Poe, John Waters, Frank Zappa, and F. Scott Fitzgerald are all  from Maryland. Oh, and John Wilkes Booth. Something weird is in the water there. My money’s on Old Bay.

anonymous asked:

Are there trios ?

There are most definitely trios

Nevada, New Mexico, Virginia: Aliens/ Government secrets trio

Vermont, New Hampshire, Quebec: Maple syrup trio

Hawaii, Alaska, Puerto Rico: Disconnected trio

California, Texas, New York: Run the world trio

Maine, Maryland, Alaska: Crabs trio

Nebraska, Iowa, Ohio: Corn trio

North Dakota, Texas, Alaska: Oil trio

California, New Mexico, Texas: Actually remember living with Mexico trio

Oklahoma, Minnesota, Kansas: Tornado trio

North Carolina, Texas, Ohio: (Space)flight trio

Theoretically more I haven’t thought of too

Maryland Gothic
  • You look to the East and see the Chesapeake Bay. That’s certainly new. 
  • Redskins, Ravens, and for some reason, Cowboys: There certainly are a lot of them around here. You’re certain they know nothing about football.
  • You speed on the highway towards the Beltway on Monday morning. Devil take the hindmost, after all.
  • You go fossil hunting in Calvert cliffs and find a human skull. At least you think its human; That’s what it tells you, anyway.
  • Some days you eat far too much crab. Other days crabs eat far too much of you.
  • You walk down the deserted boardwalk of Ocean City, wondering whats at the end. You hope you reach it soon. You’re running out of food.
  • You eat Old Bay on everything. You have no choice. It  just shows up on its own on whatever you put in your mouth. You’ve forgotten what bread tastes like.
  • The oyster restoration efforts are working. The water in the Bay is getting much clearer. You can finally see what the skipjack sailors labored to hide from mortal eyes over the past centuries.
Fed-Ex's Guide to the 50 States of the USA

Alabama – Furry sex and sister impregnation. No seriously that shit happened

Alaska – Big Bears, Big Moose, Big Men

Arizona – Pretty cool in a non-literal sense because it’s on fire most of the year. Good gun laws

Arkansas – Its governor became President in 1992 and we won’t forgive them for that to this day

California – BANNED IN CALIFORNIA

Colorado – It’s ok, dumb gun laws sometimes but everyone’s favorite coffee drinking Hipster lives here now

Connecticut – Knee jerk reaction state

Delaware – That little bit sandwiched in between Maryland and New Jersey. World renown for…. first state to ratify the United States constitution?

Florida – America’s wang. In the North are Idiots, in the South are retirees and in the middle there are good people. Just mind the gators and snakes

Georgia – Peaches & Coca Cola. Nuff said

Hawaii – Overrun with Pigs, won’t let people own firepower and eradicate them. Retarded politics.

Idaho – Potato capitol of the world (sorry Ireland) and a damn nice place. Except Burley

Illinois – Thanks Obama.

Indiana – Known for racing and not much else. Can’t buy a gun here at a gun show if you’re from Illinois no matter what the media says

Iowa – About as American as Corn on the cob and Apple Pie

Kansas – Insanity happens here on a regular basis

Kentucky – Good tiny mountains, fun people, FUCK LOADS OF RAIN!

Louisiana – Great food, good hunting, Nice Jazz

Maine – About as close to Canada as you can get without the bad things about Canada. Also Moose

Maryland – Crabs. That’s about the only good thing here

Massachusetts – Almost sent its Governor to be President. Residents are known as Massholes

Michigan – Like a glove, or a big mitten. Detroit. There I said it

Minnesota – More Norwegians here than in Norway

Mississippi – Four I’s, Four S’s, Two P’s and an M

Missouri – If I had a house in hell and a house in Missouri I’d rent out the one in Missouri and live in hell

Montana – Big sky, big country, Places you can be lost in and never found

Nebraska – Corniest state in the Union

Nevada – Reno in the North, Vegas in the south and nothing in-between

New Hampshire – Live Free or Die

New Jersey – Fuck this place

New Mexico – Almost as good as its neighbor to the northwest. Entire communities populated by Hippies

New York – Used to be a nice place but now days it’s the city everyone wants to destroy

North Carolina – First in Flight even though that’s not true. First in Powered Fight

North Dakota – Lots of oil, not much else

Ohio – More astronauts have come from here than anywhere else

Oklahoma – Does not exist

Oregon – Liberal paradise that has somehow not exploded

Pennsylvania – Amish prove you can be a religious fanatic and not hurt anyone

Rhode Island – The least Island like of the Island states

South Carolina – Swamps and Tarheels

South Dakota – Presidential Faces

Tennessee – Whiskey country, moonshine central

Texas – Everything’s bigger in Texas including the bullshit

Utah – Mormons, John Moses Browning, more Mormons

Vermont – Maple Syrup & Cheese

Virginia – Inappropriately named, rich history of fucking things up

Washington – Half the state blew up, the other half should blow up

West Virginia - mountain momma take me home, country roads

Wisconsin – Cheesiest state in the Union

Wyoming – More Antelope than people