Types of Product Reviews

An Actual Review of the Product: 
“These shoes have a ton of support, and were really comfortable to walk in, even all day at Disney World. 10/10.”

The Quest Review:

“Saw shoes in store but they did not have my size. Went to the website and found shoes in my size there, but there were more color options so I had to decide whether to go with original sky blue color or switch to red. I chose blue. 8/10.”

The Unreasonable Hatred Review:

“Tried to buy shoes online in my size, but they were sold out of the color I wanted. Makes no sense, because yes they’re sandals but it’s only November and it’s still warm weather where I live so they should have more summer shoe options left. Beige?! Ugh. 0/10.”

Mark Watney in The Martian:

Today I cried. I cried because I thought my family was different. We sat in the living room watching the movie Martian. I laughed and said “Matt Damon’s humor is totally how my generation would act, they would laugh about their situation and then figure out away to survive” to which my aunt replied with, “no your generation would freak out and die” I said “are you kidding me? My generation is going to change the world.” Then my uncle jumped in, “if we put your generation in the desert without any phones you would die” great another hater on phones. I held mine up “do you realize that this is literally a portal to any information I could desire? I can communicate with anybody around the world. If I need any information at all I have it at my fingertips.” My uncle ignores this comment of course getting loud with me for some reason, “ oh please you guys couldn’t survive without your Starbucks.” I looked around to the rest of my family for any back up. No one stood up for me they all thought my generation wasn’t going to amount to anything. I felt like crap. I gave up and went upstairs to my room defeated. I cried into my pillow because I thought they were different. I thought that they had faith in us. Now I guess all we can do is prove them wrong.

Our fiction is made worse by the fact that we think it has to be all serious and edgy. The reason? It does not fucking align with human nature. Watch any 3edgy5me schlock superhero or action movie and compare it to the fucking Martian, preferably the book but the movie too because in any version it’s 100 times more realistic and relatable to human existence. Real people aren’t all fucking dark and broody 100% of the time, and if the moral of ur story is “the world sucks and is unfair and we’re all terrible people” then wow great job how profound you pretentious burlap sack of bullshit. The book version of the Martian has a swear word, joke, or both every other sentence and it’s a fucking modern masterpiece that captures the very essence of the human soul. Because humans make jokes, humans are goofy and weird and stupid, it’s part of us, and without acknowledging that we’re all just funny monkeys in clothes your “adult” drama will fall flat, and whoever said pessimism is smart and optimism is dumb is going to get a spectral kick in the teeth when I die I’ll tell you that much, fuck that guy, thanks for coming to my TED talk