Weddings, Kids, and Tradition

“My daughter is gay and planning a wedding, and she talks a lot about having kids. I don’t care that my daughter is gay, but if she’s chosen a non-traditional lifestyle, I don’t think she should seek out traditional things like a wedding or kids. How can I explain this to her?”

Question Submitted Anonymously
Answered by Alyse Knorr

Alyse Says:

Hello, Anonymous! Thank you for writing in with your question. You’re doing just the right thing by pursuing further information that can help you support and love your daughter in the best way possible. I understand that after a child comes out, things can feel very confusing and even scary for parents. After all, you didn’t grow up in a world where same-sex marriage was legal, and you may not know many married LGBTQ couples or LGBTQ families with children. We humans have a great talent for being afraid of the unknown, and that could be a large part of what you’re feeling now. So let me help you work through this bit by bit.

First, let’s look at the wording of your question. You mentioned that your daughter has “chosen” a “non-traditional” “lifestyle.” Regarding the word “chosen,” you may want to read up some more on whether or not being gay is a choice. A person’s sexuality, in general, is so complex and such an integral part of who they are that it’s impossible to attribute it to something as simple as a “choice.” For example, I choose what flavor of ice cream I want when I go to the ice cream shop, but I never chose to have brown hair, and I never chose to be gay. If you believe that your daughter’s sexuality is a choice, and that marriage and family aren’t something gay couples should or do have, then it may make you conclude that she chose not to have marriage or family. So it’s important to point out the first issue with your thinking. She didn’t choose to be gay just as you never chose to be straight.

The same is true of the word “lifestyle,” which is often used in a disparaging way to imply that LGBTQ people have chosen to live differently than others. But being gay is not a lifestyle for your daughter—it’s her life. It’s herself, her identity, her love, her family, and the way she exists in the world. It’s a crucial part of her, so try not to use the word “lifestyle,” which can sound dismissive.

Finally, let’s examine the word “non-traditional.” Reflect on how you define the words “traditional” and “non-traditional.” Probably, you simply mean that “traditional” families are made up of a man and a woman, meaning that “non-traditional” families consist of anything that’s not one man and one woman. But “tradition” implies something that’s been true for a long time. While a man-woman marriage may have been the environment you were raised in, it certainly has not been the norm throughout human history. Read through the Old Testament of the Bible, for instance, and you’ll see that most marriages consisted of one man and many wives. The other tricky thing about the word “non-traditional” is that it implies something that’s outside of the norm, but same-sex marriage is the norm now. It’s not as common as opposite-sex marriage, but it’s legal across the country, and it’s likely that over half a million same-sex couples are married in the U.S. today. In our country today, marriage is marriage—there’s no distinction between a same-sex or an opposite sex marriage, which makes it hard to envision a distinction between a traditional or non-traditional marriage.

What’s more, many same-sex couples choose to marry because they want to participate in the tradition of marriage itself—in a legal, sacred, ceremonial commitment before family, friends, and a higher power, with a super fun party afterwards.

Some straight people have kids. Others don’t. Some straight people get married, and others don’t. Some gay people have kids and get married, and others don’t. Some straight and gay people have kids without getting married. Some straight and gay people get married and don’t have kids. There’s no default or “traditional” way to have a family. A person’s sexuality has nothing to do with their desire to legally and spiritually commit themselves to their partner, or with their desire to have children.

Anonymous, I’m wondering if there’s something deeper buried here in your question. I’m wondering if part of the issue here is that you don’t think your daughter should be public about her life. That she should be separate, unmarried, and childless while her opposite-sex friends and family participate in the legal and spiritual tradition of marriage and the joys of having children. And I’m wondering if that this might seem like a valid punishment—or consequence—of “choosing” to be gay. If any of this seems to be ringing true, then please consider talking about these issues with someone you can trust who is not your daughter, like a spouse, close friend, or therapist. Keep reading and learning about LGBTQ experiences here on My Kid Is Gay or at a local PFLAG meeting. The more you learn, the better off you and your family will be, and the more comfortable you will feel.

In the end, remember that to you, because of the times you were raised in, marriage and parents have always been a man and woman, no questions asked. Anything outside of this doesn’t fit into the picture of the world you’re most familiar with—but that does not mean that it isn’t acceptable. Many other aspects of the time you were raised in, from civil rights to world politics, are different today. Times change and society evolves and progresses forward. That’s what’s happening here. Now is your moment to open your mind to the other family structures and marriages that are commonplace today in our country.

And ultimately, there is so much joy to find here. Your daughter is choosing to make one of the biggest decisions she’s ever made—the decision to join her life with someone else’s. Later down the road, if she has children, you will become a grandparent! Your family will grow bigger, with even more love bursting from the seams. Open your heart and choose love and joy right now, Anonymous, over fear and resentment. You can do it! I know you can.

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Hi everyone! You may have noticed a steady decline in posts from yours truly over the course of the last couple months. And this is because - well?

I’m getting married! ^_^

In four days, actually. To the love of my life Alexandria. I’ve known Alex for 17 years. We’ve been together romantically for eight of those years. Many of the comics I’ve done over the years were either inspired by her, or made possible by her strength and wisdom. Literally it was Alex’s suggestion of “why don’t you just do comics?” that set me on my path. I really, really, really, really love my partner. Which brings me to my next point…

I’m taking a hiatus until October.

I’ve actually been on this hiatus for some time now but I’ve been a bad cartoonist  wanted to include a saucy link to a spanking GIF here but good gracious a cursory search online yielded nothing but pornographic content and not made this terribly transparent. Hiatus really isn’t the word to describe it either. Essentially the all the planning, details, communications, meetings, decorating, designing etc etc has kept me so busy that I had to drop my artwork entirely in order to concentrate on it entirely.

I will be hitting the ground running in October with a comic called “Don’t!” that is going to be super awesome!

I will also be dedicating my time to revising my Patreon page - and planning out 2017 to include either printed books or convention appearances (most likely the former)

And in 2018 Alex and I will be collaborating on a comic about this wedding.

Because holy shit our story is NOT the typical wedding experience. It’s probably anything but. Pretty sure it’s going to be a graphic novel tackling:

  • Marriage from a Feminist perspective
  • Marriage from an interracial perspective.
  • Marriage from a Trans/Genderqueer perspective.
  • Marriage when you don’t got monies.
  • Marriage from our personal perspective.

I would liked to have made a romantic collage of all the times Alex has made an appearance in my comics but frankly there’s no time. I can’t even… My mind is more or less shot! AUGH! So I leave you with this comic from 2010

“My ex-wife just couldn’t let go of an argument, and that’s why the marriage ended.” says Ron, writing in to a national newspaper to not let go of an argument.

If I'm Brave

If I’m brave
It’s not because of me
If I’m Brave
It’s because He
Helped me to get that way;
Would I keep my eyes on Him
I could walk across that water
Just like Peter did. And never sink,
Or approach the Persian King
Like Esther
Knowing I might very well die.
If I’m brave at all
It’s because Jesus placed
A husband by my side
To hold me when I am not.
I am not brave,
Not when I am alone.

7

Rory Feek shares his wife’s life in ‘To Joey, With Love’

Making a documentary has helped restore Rory Feek’s vision of his late wife, Joey Feek. “I mostly am still a little bit in awe of her being gone,“ says Rory, half of the country music duo Joey + Rory. He is finishing “To Joey, With Love,” which will make its debut Sept. 20 in select cities (including Dallas, Nashville, Chicago, Atlanta, Houston and Los Angeles) for one night, with an encore Oct. 6. (Photos: Rory Feek, Bryan Allen)

Unlike TANF, AFCD counted being the primary caretaker of a young child enough to qualify for aid.

One of the biggest pieces of nastiness built into TANF is the idea that poor parents-especially poor mothers and poor Black mothers even more-should be forced into the labor force and have their kids watched by low paid child care workers rather than be allowed to stay at home and raise their own kids.

Poor people, and Black people, parenting is totally devalued by TANF and by “welfare reform”.  A lot of TANF funds are also spent on trying to force the poor into cisheteronormative patriarchal marriage models while simultaneously insisting that poor parenting is useless.  It’s absolutely rooted in a combination of classism, racism, and sexism (devaluing of caretaking labor mostly done by women).

ANNOUNCEMENT

Hey guys! To everyone who’s following me you may have read or seen already that I’m engaged!
My fiancé Alexx and I will be getting married next October and we’re so excited! But we could use some help from you guys…

A lot of you follow me on here, on tumblr, and through my cosplay group Up All Night and I’m coming to you guys as my followers and as my friends!

Alexx and I are not well off, I don’t make much at my day to day job and trying to save for a wedding is so hard with bills on top of us and homophobic families that refuse to help.

So I come to you guys asking for donations through my paypal. Any amount will help and it will all go to our savings account that we have set up for our marriage.

Thank you for taking the time to read this to receive my paypal info either pm me on here or email me at
thatdamnscamp@gmail.com

If you can’t donate sharing or reblogging this would be fantastic too. Thank you!

—Scamp!

I have always abhorred to draw in question the title of the crown, so many disputes have been already touching it in the mouths of men. Some that this marriage was unlawfully, some that someone was a bastard, some other, to and fro, as they favored or misliked. So many doubts marriage in all hands that I stand awe myself to enter in marriage, fearing the controversy. Once I am married already to the realm of England when I was crowned with this ring, which I bear continually in token thereof. Howsoever it be, so long as I live, I shall be queen of England; when I am dead, they shall succeed that has most right.
— 

Elizabeth I. From her conversations with the Scottish ambassador, William Maitland, Laird of Lethington, September and October 1561. 

Source: Elizabeth I: Collected Works by Elizabeth I, Leah S. Marcus (ed.), Janel Mueller (ed.), Mary Beth Rose (ed.)

Troian Bellisario accepted the offer of a long-time boyfriend, the star of the drama “Claims”, 32-year-old Patrick Jay Adams. The young man knelt before his beloved during a romantic trip to Europe.

As Bellisario said in an interview with the editor for Seventeen magazine, she has a great support in the face of her boyfriend, the star of the series “Suits” Patrick Jay Adams. “Let it be removed in Canada, and I’m in Los Angeles, but in such a freak, like us, it is better not to see each other constantly,” - said Troian.

Okay everyone, so I can’t believe I haven’t heard this song before, but around the time Same Love by Macklemore came out, there was a remix created by Bizzle, a Christian rapper. I just want to make it clear that I have no problem with any religion except if you’re using it as an excuse to take away someone else’s rights, which is clearly what this guy was doing. I thought I’d break down the lyrics and respond to the anti-LGBT song. I’ve seen barely any response to this, which is surprising having listened to the lyrics already. If anyone else has something to say about the song or just your opinion on the entire topic, please respond. I love hearing what you guys have to say.


“It’s funny how the media portrays things; they’re really pushing hard for this gay thing; And it’s so wicked how they manipulate things; Can’t even disagree without making it a hate thing”. You know what, rapper who I had no idea existed until now, you’re completely right. How dare we fall in love. It’s disgusting, really. Loving people. And I’m sure making an entire song stating how you despise a song that had nothing to do with you will really show how you’re misrepresented as a person who hates gay people. Congrats.

“I’m sure that you lust like I do, just in a different form; But I’m married, so if I give into mine I’m a cheater; If you give into yours, you just fight to make it legal” Okay, so now you’re comparing us to adulterers. Don’t you think that if you have such a hard time lusting after other people while you’re married, then maybe you shouldn’t get married? I’m so proud that you have the self-control to not cheat on your wife. I guess when we choose to love people we’re just not as strong as you are. Fucking sue me.

“You would compare your sexual habits to my skin…; They hung us like tree ornaments, where were you at?; They burned us for entertainment, you go through that?…; You can play straight, we can never play white” Okay, in the past few years the crime rate dropped tremendously for the LGBT community. And this was the year that the Orlando shooting happened. And now you’re telling me they can’t be compared? Yes, racism was and is awful. I don’t see how you can’t compare that to the homophobic hate crimes still happening. And telling us to just play straight and live our entire lives being oppressed and never speaking out is just shallow and willfully ignorant.

“And these sell-out rappers will do whatever you tell ‘em; Skirts on stage, campaigning for that black vote; Afraid to be blackballed, so they played that role” Wait a second, so you’re implying that rappers who support gay rights are just doing it for the media? They’re just sell-outs? Because I seem to recall that most rappers still use derogatory terms for gay people regularly in their songs. And when Macklemore wrote Same Love, that was the song that changed history. That was the song that people were talking about because he went against the media and what he was expected to do as a rapper.

“It angers you if I compare you to a pedophile; Cause he sick, right?; And you better how?” Pedophiles. Now you’re comparing us to pedophiles. So people who sexually abuse children and scar them for life are somehow the same as two consenting people who love each other. Okay, I need a moment.

“Well prove he wasn’t born that…; He was once nine, so at one point in his life it was just fine” Right, he was a kid. But then he grew up. He should have learned by then that a child cannot consent, and there is no excuse for making someone do something they didn’t consent to do. We are talking about loving someone who willingly loves us back. Tell me, how does that compare to someone who rapes children?

“And that rainbow you using as a gay pride symbol; It represents a covenant with God if you didn’t know; Check Geneses 9:13 for the info” Oh, you mean the rainbow in the bible that was used as a symbol for when God committed homicide and killed a bunch of people? It’s funny how you seem to look at that as a positive thing.

“When your right goes against my right, whose right would win?” See, but we’re not going against your rights. We’re fighting for equal rights. You can have your rights, we’ll have ours, and there never has to be a problem. It’s that simple.

“I guess down syndrome isn’t really a thing ya’ll; What do we call your syndrome; Oh that term is offensive now when it hits home” Now you’re comparing us to people with down-syndrome. I should just start making a list. People with down syndrome are born this way as well, but the difference is they’re born with a different amount of chromosomes. We’re born with an attraction that goes against societies standards. We don’t have a syndrome, you idiot, and I’m honestly kind of upset that in a hate song about gay people, you’re comparing us to people with a mental disorder that they cannot control. So basically you’re saying that they’re just as bad as we are as sinners, which you seem to think we’re pretty bad. It’s insulting and disgusting.

“Like we don’t have people from the LGBT community out here; Running up in churches, disrupting services; Kissing on the pulpit; Out here attacking old ladies; Throwing crosses down and stomping on ‘em; Violently assaulting people” If anyone has any proof of anything happening like that, please let me know. Because to my knowledge it’s usually the churches that are being violent towards LGBT people. And I love how “kissing on the pulpit” was just thrown in there, like that’s as threatening as beating up old ladies. It’s hard for me to believe anyone was actually serious about this song.

Okay, so that’s basically a break-down of some of the most ridiculous lyrics in this song. I honestly think that this sounds like some sort of joke, like it’s not possible for a person to be that ignorant. But whatever, I guess stuff like that can still surprise me no matter how much I’ve seen. So I’m done with my rant now, and if anyone would like to bond with me over this stupidity, I’d be happy to hear what you have to say.

Cooper: All fight and I do not care what  matter: not today.
Charlotte: I do not understand ..
Cooper: The important thing we are just you and me: they do not agree, and we don’t have to like and they haven’t to like each other to each other because they do not respect them and not for them.
- Private Practice 4x20

Owen: Amelia, open the door. Amelia?! Never mind if they do not want to be here, then they should not. We don’ t want them. They do not understand, and they don’t have to. I understand. And I’ll be there. And the only person I want there  is you.
- Grey’s Anatomy 12x24