maron*

3

“You know, Dad, I read an article that says people are using fruit in their barbecue marinade.”

“Funny, you know I heard that, too… but you know what the key to marinating is? It’s simple; it’s not the time, it’s the ingredients.”


“…Yes!”

I’m surprised I never bragged about this earlier. I’m on this Maron thing in like another hour or so. Go check that shit out if you can.

Get to know me tag thingy

Rule: Tag 10 people you want to get to know better


I was tagged by oceanicpancake. Thank you so much! :D

Name: Kaitlin


Nickname: Lene

Birthday: 6/10

Star sign: Gemini


Height: I think I’m about 5″4′, but I haven’t measured myself in a couple of months.


Sexual Orientation: Straight


Favorite Color: Blue or Green


Time Right Now: About 11 o’clock.


Average Hours of sleep: 8-10


Lucky Numbers: 2 and 7

Last thing I Googled: FNAF 4 box


Number of Blankets I sleep Under: 3

Favorite Fictional Character: Raven (Teen Titans comics and animated series, NOT Teen Titans Go)

Favorite Famous Person: Jordan Maron, Tom Cassell, Tucker Boner, Sonja Reid, and Mark Fischbach

Favorite Bands: Maroon 5, Fall Out Boy, Imagine Dragons, 3 Doors Down, Matchbox 20, and Nickelback (Their earlier stuff).


Last Movie I saw in Theater: Inside Out

Last Movie I watched: Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Dream Job: Maybe a physical therapist, but my dream hobby would be YouTube.

What I am wearing Right now: A green t-shirt and jean shorts.

I tag: williewaffles, justanotherstep-intotheunknown, mianiteisadick, danhowellssecretaccount, ianitesdaughter, infinityfangirl, windyinferno. katsir, kaptainsparklez, jordansperm

an evening with Jason Segel

I have been living in DC for almost 5 months now. I am 4 months single, moved here to be with the woman of my dreams, and am now slightly high updating my tumblr. I was straight edge until 2 months of being in DC and i turn 26 in October. I have been doing stand-up 4-5nights a week while working a 9-5 monday through Friday, working coffee house shifts on the weekend, and trying to find the time to eat enough fruits and vegetables to avoid getting Scurvy. 

Earlier tonight i was sitting in a movie theater on E.Street. I saw While We Were Young there on its release weekend, and I saw Marc Maron preform across the street 3 months ago: alone. This eve i was watching “Cartel Land” with my Russian friend Da’vid. (Da’vid is a wonderful friend and honest to allah a care taker i could not be more thrilled about knowing, but i am not penning his holiness down tonight - i lack the talent and the world lacks the time) 

Da’vid leaves after the third decapitated head rolls across screen, to use the restroom. While he is gone i am alone again, like i have been most of my time here in DC. As the scenic deserts of the Pacific South West roll across the screen all i can thing about is future. Where will i be in 2 years? What art can i create with my only skilled medium? How long until i start to sleep again? Why am i not in the desert under the fire of drug lords? did i drive drunk last night? when did i last eat? i wonder why my uncle died?

Da’vid hops the railing and sits down.
“Jason Segel is in the bar right now.” He whispers to me.
“This movie theater has a bar?” i quickly replied, as i shoveled through my bag for my passport and wallet.
“jason Segel? the actor? i asked again before hardly waiting on Da’vids reply.

he was.

I go to the bar.
i enter the lobby.
Jason Segel is sitting right the fuck in the bar.
Im just walking closer.
he is in my path.
to the bar.
its unavoidable.
its just him. 

alone.

I order. quietly linger. stirring the cheapest gin they had into whatever off-brand soda water was provided. ($5.50)
I sniff out a break in a selfie-based conversation and sneak my way into the line of sight.

“hey, i just wanted to say i am a big fan, i just listened to your WTFpodcast interview and i just wantyed to say hi.”
“hey im jason man good to meet you.”
“i know your jason. its great to meet you. andrew.” i say as i point towards my stupid face.

then i spend approximately 15 minutes talking directly to Jason Segel, with no interruption, and he was fine with it. We talked about break-ups, one liners in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Documentaries, growing up poor in low income housing, and stand-up. 

I said i do stand up because it gives every night a little more intention. Jason clasped his hands and said “that is a great way to word that, giving intention to your evenings, thats such a great thing.”

then i spouted off what my next personal video project was going to be. how i am trying to find a cathartic way to deal with my break-up, and hoping my future endeavors can help people connected like they would with a break up song.
he said its good i am so self-aware of my own condition when it comes to coping with silence and self.

Tonight was rejuvenating. i am glad i focused on this story. if you read this i love you. reach out to me when you are bored. i seriously could use the long-distance company. 

2

Okay so I just had dinner with Jordan and Erin. For 2 and a half hours. When he got there he said “Wow it’s so nice to finally meet you in person, I really appreciate and thank you for all that you do for me.” Basically I was speechless. Erin really helped break the ice in conversation.

When I gave him the binder, he was utterly speechless. “I don’t deserve something like this… Thank you. So much.” He kept thanking me about it throughout the dinner, and I kept reminding him that it was the least that I could do. Afterwards, he insisted on hugging me and he took photos with me. He told me what a great job I did modding and all that.

After that, he walked with me back to my hotel. It was the greatest experience in my life. Jordan Maron, the man I’ve watched and fangirled over, took two and a half hours out of his day to see me. 

Thank you so much aureylianmc for making this possible and for being there so I could meet you. I had such a good time.

No BUT FUCKING SERIOUSLY IM SHITTING THIS IS SOME FANFICTION BULLSHIT AND IM FREAKING OUT

Jordan Maron, a man with many names

Jordan
Captainsparklez
Sparklez
Captain
Jardon
Sparkly Bum
Sparkly dick
Mr sparkly butt
Mr butts
Glitter lap
Other Spark
Fool
Sparklypants
Sparkle bottoms
Speriools
Bae
CaptainSpankelz
CaptainSprinkelz
Twat waffle
ProsDontTalkShit
the guy with the green shorts and the black shirt
Dork
Spark plug
Yer boi
Brotally Swagical
Twinkle thighs
Captain Sniffels
CaptainSpooklez
Inspector pants
Adorable nerd
Curtain stripes
Cinnamon roll to pure for this world
Glitter dick
Champ of Ianite
Spurklez
Ianites bitch
Jurdun
CaptainSparklyDick
Did I get everyone?

3

Maron: I said it from early on that Walter and Jesse were a comedy team.
Vince: (laughs) You know what? They were sort of the post-modern Laurel and Hardy.

– from Marc Maron interview with Vince Gilligan, this part starts at 24:36. Thanks to Brian D. on Twitter for the assist on putting this together.