NEON MANIACS is one of a few movies that I’ve seen so often, I hardly know what to say about it anymore. I had the perfect first-time experience of seeing this movie, years ago, when I had never heard of it and could not possibly have imagined what it could be like. It had to have been about four in the morning at my parents’ house, and I was exploring the mysteries of graveyard shift cable TV, of which I had been largely deprived my whole life. I landed on what I hoped was a horror movie, based on its incomprehensible title, and what I heard right at the beginning made me almost jump out of my skin:
WHEN THE WORLD IS RULED BY VIOLENCE AND THE SOUL OF MANKIND FADES THE CHILDREN’S PATH SHALL BE DARKENED BY THE SHADOWS OF THE NEON MANIACS!
This startling disembodied monolog precedes the movie’s first kill, which takes place not in a dystopian wasteland, but under the modern day Golden Gate Bridge where an anonymous old duffer is enjoying some crepuscular fishing. This fellow makes the unfortunate discovery of…I don’t really know how to tell you this…a Museum Store ram skull full of what can only be trading cards of the Neon Maniacs:
gif courtesy Ouch My Ego, because how else could I make you believe this is real?
As you can see, the Maniacs themselves are sort of a cross between the Garbage Pail Kids and the Village People, each modeled after a popular profession or racist stereotype. (Including Wishmaster Andrew Divoff as a scary surgeon!) Are they mutants? Monsters? Aliens? Who knows! The only thing one can be sure of is that they live inside of some sort of storage or maintenance facility underneath San Fransisco’s famed bridge, and they will murder you if you try to fish or fuck in the park. When the fisherman is joined in death by every one of good girl Natalie’s horny friends, the SFPD stakes out the big metal door in the bridge–apparently no one in the entire municipality of San Fransisco is responsible for its most important landmark, so everyone pretty much hangs around glumly staring at it and waiting for something to come in or out of it. A much more active force of justice comes from stunted horror freak Paula, a “high school student” who I prefer to imagine being played by Amy Sedaris, who becomes obsessed with the excitingly gruesome murders and the even more exciting rumors of “slimy gook” found at the crime scenes. [Warning: If you can’t handle listening to adults say the words “slimy gook” over and over again with the enthusiasm of a breakfast cereal mascot, this is NOT the movie for you.] Paula torments the bereaved Natalie until she allows the little nerd to drag her into an amateur investigation, which culminates, naturally, in a mortal showdown at their high school’s Hallow’s Eve battle of the bands. Who will survive, and what’s up with the maniac that’s just a 4′ tall monocular Godzilla with a meathook?
NEON MANIACS is as infuriating as it is hilarious, and there is virtually nothing not-funny about it, from its panty hose ad musical score, to its worse-than-SIGNS solution–that the Maniacs are fatally allergic to water, which like ya know sure of course, I mean why else would they choose to live in the dampest city in the country inside a bridge over a sprawling ocean-adjacent strait? American horror production in the ‘80s very often blurred the line between adult thrills and children’s entertainment, but NEON MANIACS offers a uniquely awful combination of embarrassing infantilism and gnarly gore that is liable to make you lose your mind. It is almost impossible to stomach Paula’s dumb little monster club butting in on a murder case that involves, among other things, a mid-blowjob decapitation–same for the fact that the movie’s climax, such as it is, involves a massive squirt gun battle between the high schoolers and the bloodthirsty whatsitses that have been burning and mutilating their peers.
If you’ve been wondering who could possibly make such a movie, the answer is kind of weird. NEON MANIACS is the non-pornographic one of two movies directed by a Joseph Mangine, a cinematographer who shot a number of blue movies with the likes of Jamie Gillis and Samantha Fox (including something called PLEASURE PLANTATION…), and also a bunch of highly recognizable genre pictures like ALLIGATOR, MOTHER’S DAY, SQUIRM, and ALONE IN THE DARK. I was somewhat alarmed to discover that screenwriter Mark Patrick Carducci is responsible for nothing of note except the rightfully beloved PUMPKINHEAD. There isn’t a lot to say about the cast–except that Natalie is played by Leilani Sarelle, who was once married to Miguel Ferrer, if that means anything to you. What I really mean to say is that I can’t believe I found anything to say about the makers of NEON MANIACS, a movie that makes so little sense to me that it may as well have turned out to be a figment of my imagination.
And what I mean by that is, you really have to see it to believe it. And then you have to see it over and over again to reassure yourself that you really can believe it, and then you have to force your friends to watch it in order to really make it part of the real world, and then before you know it, your whole life is darkened by the shadows of the Neon Maniacs.
All huge/dramatic events that damaged Degrassi (the school)
Degrassi Junior High/Degrassi High
The Junior High school burned down (Bye-Bye, Junior High)
Claude Tanner committed suicide in the bathroom (Showtime)
Degrassi: The Next Generation
Rick Murray shot Jimmy Brooks which paralyzes him, then Rick is accidentally shot and killed (Time Stands Still)
Gonorrhea outbreak (Secret)
JT Yorke was stabbed after school rivalry with Lakehurst (Rock This Town)
Degrassi (Seasons 10-14)
Mark Fitzgerald brought a knife to school (All Falls Down)
Vince Bell shot Adam Torres (Dead and Gone)
Campbell Saunders committed suicide in the greenhouse (Bitter Sweet Symphony)
A thunderstorm caused damage to the school (Thunderstruck)
Degrassi nudes scandal (14A)
Miles Hollingsworth accidentally started a fire in the school (Firestarter)
Tiny Bell was stabbed on school grounds (Watch Out Now)
Degrassi: Next Class
Hunter Hollingsworth brought a gun to school and the school was put on lockdown (#SorryNotSorry)
A school bus full of students crashed (#OMFG)
And this is not counting all of the other events that occurred to individual students, including rape, abuse, self harm, drug addiction, disorders, etc. So yeah, Degrassi and its students have been through a whole lot and I’m thinking, “when will the pain end?” The answer: when the show is over, if it ever ends and I don’t want it to, despite the pain it causes me.
Can you think of any more major (or minor) events that effected the actual school?
Introducing Burton Presents, a nine part web series showcasing Burton’s top riders.
9/16 – Mikey Rencz and Jussi Oksanen
9/30 – Jeremy Jones and Mikkel Bang
10/14 – Mark McMorris
10/28 – Mark Sollors and Alek Oestreng
11/11 – Danny Davis Peace Park
11/18 – Kimmy Fasani
11/25 – Zak Hale and Ethan Deiss
12/2 – Women’s featuring Kelly Clark, Enni Rukajärvi, and Chloe Kim
When we have irritations with others, if we decide in the moment how to react, we fail. We may lash out in anger or say things we don’t mean. But if we have predetermined how we will react, we will be ready.
'Uptown Funk' One Week Away From Longest Stay in Hot 100's Top 10
Mark Ronson’s former 14-week Hot 100 No. 1 “Uptown Funk!,” featuring Bruno Mars, descends 6-8 on the Hot 100. “Funk” has now tallied 31 weeks in the top 10, leaving it one week away from tying the record for the longest stay in the top 10 for a single in the Hot 100’s nearly 57-year history. Here’s an updated count of the titles with the lengthiest top 10 Hot 100 runs:
Singles With the Most Weeks in the Top 10 on the Hot 100
Weeks in Top 10, Title, Artist(s), Peak Position, Year
32, “How Do I Live,” LeAnn Rimes, No. 2, 1997
31, “Uptown Funk!,” Ronson feat. Mars, No. 1, 2015
30, “Smooth,” Santana feat. Rob Thomas, No. 1, 1999
29, “Party Rock Anthem,” LMFAO feat. Lauren Bennett & GoonRock, No. 1, 2011
28, “You Were Meant for Me”/“Foolish Games,” Jewel, No. 2, 1997
26, “Truly Madly Deeply,” Savage Garden, No. 1, 1998
Thus, as it potentially closes in on tying Rimes’ mark, “Funk” has already achieved a notable highlight: it passes “Smooth” to become the Hot 100 No. 1 with the most weeks ever totaled in the top 10.