mario kombat

The signs as Video Games
  • Aries: The Legend of Zelda
  • Taurus: Mortal Kombat
  • Gemini: Mario Kart
  • Cancer: Kingdom Hearts
  • Leo: Skyrim
  • Virgo: World of Warcraft
  • Libra: Kim Kardashian: Hollywood
  • Scorpio: Fallout
  • Sagittarius: Angry Birds
  • Capricorn: Detective Barbie
  • Aquarius: Sonic the Hedgehog
  • Pisces: Pokemon

I need Dan and Phil to play a war game or a fighting game.
No more of this gross romance cutesy story shit (though it is very domestic and entertaining)
I wanna see them blow each other’s heads off. Or team up and destroy aliens or zombies or online fighters or SOMETHING! Please.

An advertisement created for an upcoming social event at my school hosted by its Academy of Entertainment Arts’ Riot Gaming strand.

Since one can only have so many tags, here’s a list of the 64 characters in alphabetical order:

  • Alien [Space Invaders]
  • Alien Hominid [Alien Hominid]
  • Amaterasu [Ōkami]
  • Big Daddy [BioShock]
  • Black Mage [Final Fantasy]
  • Bomberman [Bomberman]
  • Bub [Bubble Bobble]
  • Chun-Li [Street Fighter]
  • Clank [Ratchet & Clank]
  • Conker [Conker’s Bad Fur Day]
  • Crash Bandicoot [Crash Bandicoot]
  • Creeper [Minecraft]
  • Donkey Kong [Donkey Kong]
  • E.T. [E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial]
  • Ezio Auditore da Firenze [Assassin’s Creed]
  • Fox McCloud [Star Fox]
  • Freddy Fazbear [Five Nights at Freddy’s]
  • Frogger [Frogger]
  • GLaDOS [Portal]
  • Gordon Freeman [Half-Life]
  • Hatty Hattington [BattleBlock Theater]
  • Isaac [The Binding of Isaac]
  • Kazooie [Banjo-Kazooie]
  • Kirby [Kirby]
  • The Knights [Castle Crashers]
  • Kratos [God of War]
  • Lara Croft [Tomb Raider]
  • Last Dragonborn [The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim]
  • Link [The Legend of Zelda]
  • Mario [Super Mario Bros.]
  • Master Chief [Halo]
  • Maxwell [Scribblenauts]
  • Mega Man [Mega Man]
  • Morrigan Aensland [Darkstalkers]
  • Ness [Mother / EarthBound]
  • Oscar, Knight of Astora [Dark Souls]
  • Ms. Pac-Man [Ms. Pac-Man]
  • Parappa [PaRappa the Rapper]
  • Pikachu [Pokémon]
  • Pikmin [Pikmin]
  • Pit [Kid Icarus]
  • Prince of All Cosmos [Katamari Damacy]
  • Protagonist [Journey]
  • Pyramid Head [Silent Hill]
  • Pyro [Team Fortress 2]
  • Q*bert [Q*bert]
  • Mr. Resetti [Animal Crossing]
  • Richard [Hotline Miami]
  • Sackboy [LittleBigPlanet]
  • Samus Aran [Metroid]
  • Sans [Undertale]
  • Scorpion [Mortal Kombat]
  • Ship [Asteroids]
  • Shovel Knight [Shovel Knight]
  • Slime [Dragon Quest]
  • Solid Snake [Metal Gear]
  • Sonic [Sonic the Hedgehog]
  • Spyro [Spyro]
  • Tetromino [Tetris]
  • Tracer [Overwatch]
  • Vault Boy [Fallout]

Illustrated by Matthew Hoobin.

But what happens if you play not 50 but, say, 250 fights? Playground rumors abounded: You unlock another character called Hornbuckle, or Goro’s dad, or you get to touch a boob in real life. Whatever it was, it was clearly worth a shot, so many a ‘90s teen stayed up all night trying to discover the truth.

If you play 250 fights in a row (you don’t have to win them), you’ll see a special message about fighting a challenge from your past. And then you start playing Pong.

Yes, you can play the beloved 1972 ping pong simulator and friendship ruiner in Mortal Kombat II, for some reason. Disappointingly, the loser’s paddle doesn’t explode in a sea of blood, nor is the ball the disembodied head of one of the characters. It’s just a regular game of Pong – and we do mean “a” regular one, singular, because once someone scores seven points and wins, it’s back to the fighting again. Feel like a rematch? Hope you have time for 250 more fights. Also, fun fact: Mortal Kombat II is two years older now than Pong was back then.

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