Unemployment in Europe, 2002-2012.

I’m gonna tell you guys a story:

Ever since I started working at my job, there’s been this journal I’ve been eyeing. It’s a pretty little thing, the cover is hard,  a picture of a map of  Europe with a compass, in color. It’s on both sides, the entirety of Europe captured on it. The front side has a J.R.R. Tolkien quote in a gold square on the cover, “Not all those who wander are lost.” 

I bought that journal, finally. It’s wonderful and exquisite and I can’t wait to destroy it with words. I’ve always had a love for words.

I fell in love with the art of writing when I was a junior in high school, after my English literature class. I didn’t start sharing my writing with anyone else besides professors until I was a senior. It started with a Gossip Girl Fanfic, after months of sending it to a friend- who ultimately pushed me to finally post it.  I was so excited, even though it started off slow, it was wonderful. People actually liked my work, and they were asking for updates, they were interested. 

I went through a spree, updating almost every day, sometimes several times a day. It was like- this rush, you know? Not from the growing attention, but from the fact that I was finally writing- that I finally found my calling, so to say.

And then, I finished it. “Book 1″ aka “Season 1″ and everyone was avid for a book 2, so I cracked my knuckles and sat down- and absolutely nothing. I was dead cold out of ideas.

So, I just dropped it until Christmas break last year. I came back, and kid you not when I say I wrote 15 chapters in a week. (And you guys all know I write very detailed things)

I fell in love with Harry Potter when I was 11. I read the entire series in 3 weeks. Then I read it again, and again, and again. I didn’t have a lot of friends back then, (or now?), and Harry Potter kept me grounded- it always has.

So starting this blog therefore- was a given. It was a different style of writing, now. Single shots versus longer chaptered fics. And again, I was shell shocked- people actually liked my writing. Request were flooding in and followers too and it was all so much fun.

And god, it still is. It really is. I’ve made so many friends from this blog, so many memories, so much. But if I’m being frank with you guys, it’s making me start to hate HP. I don’t love the series as much anymore, because this blog is draining me. It’s making HP an obligation, not an interest. 

Have you guys ever heard the saying, too much of a good thing isn’t a good thing? I think it applies here.

I just don’t feel inspired or excited anymore. Harry Potter, has been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember, and it’s changing- and that scares me.

And as you guys know, I’ve been going through a bit of hard time lately. My life has been just, well, complete shit lately. I’ve been in a shit mood, been shitty to others, and as much as I try to avoid it- it’s oozing onto my blog. That’s not me. You guys know that. I’m 19 and I feel really, really fucking lost. Everyone keeps telling my it’s normal, that everyone’s first year in college sucks. But I just feel so shaken, so withdrawn. I’ve always been one of those, ‘fall seven times, stand up eight’ type of people, but I have to say- this time my ass is just getting kicked by life. I don’t want to start this new year with this shitty attitude. 

I like to commit myself 100% to anything I do, whether it’s writing or being a friend or working. I feel that number going down every day. I can feel myself burning out. I just feel like I’ve burned myself out on this blog. Everything I write- I second guess myself on. When I feel 100%, I never second guess myself. I know that sounds conceited, but I don’t. 

So, I need to take a break

And originally, I was planning on leaving my asks on but after these past few days I think it’s better for all of us if I turn them off for a while.  I will post stuff, edits, but maybe not writing for a while.  I have never, once, in my life hated writing.

This blog is making me hate writing. And because I know people are going to twist this, I am not saying YOU, MY FOLLOWERS,  are making me hate writing. The act of running a blog and meeting needless demands rather than writing for my own interest is what’s making me hate it. 

And when I come back, I won’t be doing requests anymore. I will be writing on MY TERMS, and writing what I want too. If you disagree with this, you guys know how to unfollow. I feel like part of the reason I feel this way, is because I haven’t written for myself in a long time. I only write to fill requests, with the paralyzing fear that if I don’t- people will react badly. And they do. 

I need to rediscover my groove, let the magic inspire me, yet again. I don’t want to feel pressured into it. I’ll reblog and keep you guys updated. The thing is, even if I wanted too, I couldn’t completely disappear. This blog is, in some ways, an integral part of my life now. 

I have a couple things in the works- some NEW things, that I hope will get my creative juices to flow again. I plan on taking a pretty big writing break for a bit, though. In the past, when I felt like this, a break serves me very well and I’m back and better then ever. I want to reread the series, and quite frankly, learn to fall in love again with the series that has made me who I am. 

My journal, has an array of quotes in it, one of my favorites is: “Sometimes it’s time to get away from it all and experience things in a completely different way.”

I want to rediscover the magic, and I hope, you guys can be patient with me and let me do that and respect me. I know I’ve taken breaks in the past, due to craziness in my life from family emergencies- but for once, I want to do something for me. I need this break. I hope you guys can understand that. 

Thank you, for everything. It’s not goodbye: it’s I’ll see you soon. 

I love you guys, always. xx

Europe 75 years ago today: Battle of Moscow (04 Dec 1941) In August and September, the Germans swept south to consolidate their hold over the industry rich Ukraine and deal with the huge numbers of Soviet troops that had been isolated in the initial invasion. In October, they resumed their drive on Moscow but by now winter was arriving and Soviet defences were in place. #europe #history #welovemaps #1940s #1941 #december #december4 #europeanhistory #germany #greatbritain #maps #poland #russia #worldwarii (at Moscow, Russia)

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Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.