The Tree That Outsmarted Me and Punched Me in the Face
Ok so this one isn’t so much wild as it is ‘Rekina what the heck do you think you’re doing sit down this instant’ kinda deal.
Our story begins back when I worked retail.
Alrighty so quick update. The part of Saskatchewan where I live is flat. I don’t mean mildly ho hum flat I mean flat ok like the nearest slight incline(besides the dump) is nearly a fifteen minute drive. ok flat as a ruler
And because of this intense flatness we get some equally intense wind. The last few days we’ve had winds upwards of 90km (55mph) and that’s a pretty normal seen it all before kind of wind storm. Nothing out of the ordinary. But then sometimes we get even worse winds called plough winds. Now, these are sometimes hurricane force winds ok windy as all get out
These winds make a straight path across the prairies, ripping roofs off, uprooting trees, and causing general havoc ok
there’s a reason they are called plough winds they plough over everything in sight like a bull in a china shop it has zero regard for your average home or retail employee like myself
Plough winds only show their ugly faces during the summer. and in summers I worked in the garden center.
Now, normal people would stay indoors during winds like this. Common, sesnible people would hunker down and batten down the hatches and wait for the whole thing to blow over. Not me. Not only was I at work
I was outside
That’s right folks yours truly still had to go out and water the plants in winds fast enough to shut down most cities
So there I am in my oversized rain jacket that I was practically swimming in. This thing trailed along the ground it was so big on me. I have my garden hose on and am doing my thing
First of all, do you have any idea how hard it is to water plants when the water comes out of the hose and just kinda shoots off into the distance
It’s an acquired skill to say the least k I was standing like two feet to the side of the plant I actually wanted to water
Now if that wasn’t annoying enough i also have to deal with these jerks of trees
At the back of the center is our tree selection. I’d tied them down with the full stregnth of my scout knot tying knowledge and most of them stayed secure. But there was three little jerks on the very end that would tip over, making me go and pick them up again
This happened every ten seconds.
I would go, water a plant, and then drop everyhting to pick up these stupid trees
I did this for five hours straight
Then one time while I’m picking up a fallen ash, this little apple tree gets cheeky and topples down right on top of my head.
It didn’t hurt, but those leaves are like little whips in the wind my whole face was stinging by the time I got the jerk set up right again
This tree was about to become a very big problem
See when the other trees tipped over they would politely lay in place until i could reach them, still tethered loosely to the pole. But not this apple tree oh no
Little did i know i was dealing with Houdini Incarnated into a tree.
So I’m minding my buisness watering a plant from a distance and I happen to see Houdini take the fall. Except this time something was different. This time it not only fell, but it started to roll
It had somehow jumped the little enclosure and slipped the bonds
Im still pretty chill at this point. The whole center is surrounded by a fence where could it possibily go I’ll just go get it when it hits the fence right?
Because I was dealing with an escape artist ok what happens next had nothing to do with me
See off in one corner we had this pile of manure right near the fence.
This tree my little Houdini was chugging towards it at full speed, those little leaves were like sails it was just a’cruisin down aisles of bricks. It’s fine tho it’ll hit the manue and–
It hit the manure alright
It rolled up the manure pile
and over the fence
So now The Little Tree That Could was barreling around on the highway like a phsychotic leafy bat out of hell
My first thought is if that hits someone im so fired
I scream and drop the hose and begin my pursuit because I am not getting fired over an apple tree ok no sire im going down with my dignity
So i do the only logial thing in my head
Most people would run through the open get four feet behind them and calmly make their way to the highway. Not me
I sprinted across the compound, scrambled up the manue pile, and vaulted the fence
For one glorious moment I thought I could fly.
And then I plunged downwards with a very undignified squeal.
Still I splash down into the ditch and prepare to make my heroic capture
Problem: I had just landed chest deep in slough.
For those of you lucky souls who don’t know what a slough is let me explain
A slough is what happens when stagnat water, cow crap, cow piss, and crop fertilizer mix and heat up in the sun. Doesn’t smell good.
And I just landed chest deep in the stuff. Gross doesn’t even begin to cover it
But being the trooper I am i decide I’m going to end this day on a high note and salvage my dignity
I heave myself out of the slough and take off after the tree which is dancing around the thankfully empty highway
Just one issue: Plough Winds tend to change direction
So there I am chasing this freaking apple tree around in circles and it’s winning ok every time I get close to grabbing the trunk of branch the wind throws it in another direction leaving me stumbling like a drunk moose as I try to adjust course
This goes on for a solid twenty minutes
I’m back and forth across this highway cursing enough to make a sailor blush
And then victory is in sight my fingers graze the trunk and–
the wind stops
The base of the tree is so heavy with water that It sits straight up and whacks me across the face harder than Dwayne Johnson ever could
My momentum throws me forward, my foot catches the pot
and I sail head first into the next slough
I am now covered in disgusting, thick, sticky water and that tree is just taunting me on the road
Eventually I manage to snag the little jerk and I start dragging it back towards the compound like oh yeah who the boss? i’m the boss i caught the tree
Just as I see two more trees making a break for it over the fence
It was a long end of shift to say the least
I had a black eye from that tree for a week and a lovely bleeding cut on my forehead. But i caught it and I am still proud of that to this day