As an American male, I have been to the wonderment that is “The Home Depot”. The Home Depot is like the grown-up version of Toys R Us, but for guys like me, we are expecting it to be cooler than it actually is. I say I like to build stuff, but I doubt a chair from IKEA counts. There is nothing cool about building an outdoor patio set for your parents, all of which had some weird Swedish name like “Dooltchruoeper” or “Cunttslahhghter”. Unfortunately the image of a true American working-class male is not me and building that hip-faggy lamp isn’t manly, well at least not to the neanderthals that shop at The Home Depot. Have you ever seen a guy who shops at the Home Depot? You definitely have and you know the ones I mean: He’s probably in his mid-fifties, scruffy face with dead eyes that say he gave up on life years ago, wearing some tan steel-toed boots, a massive flannel jacket, blue jeans covered in tar, and some paint speckled hat supporting some sports team that never wins. And have you ever noticed that they always look like they literally walked through a pile of human ash? Why are you so fucking dusty? These men actually resemble The Home Depot mascot…remember this asshole?
These “artery filled heart attacks waiting to happen” with their elongated brows always seem to be angry at something too. They pace around stinking up the place with their bodies that literally release paint fumes with each step until they finally reach the aisle they are desperately searching for.
The Home Depot is intimidating! I feel very out of place there, like a black person at Toby Maguire’s birthday party. Whenever I go there for whatever stupid idea that passes through my mind, like getting a Venus fly trap, I avoid making eye contact with any of those beasts out of fear of getting tossed into the back of their pick-up truck that always has that suspicious blue tarp covering it.
Anyway, this particular time at the Home Depot I was trying to buy a Venus fly trap (turns out they don’t sell them there anymore) but opted for a Snicker’s bar instead. The 16 year old Mexican cashier girl with braces (and I know she was Mexican because I’m pretty sure the Home Depot collects those people) asked me if I wanted to sign up for their mailing list, and I said, “why not?” So I gave them my email, payed for my manly snack and left.
A couple weeks later I noticed I was getting a bunch of emails from the Home Depot about discounts on lumber, light fixtures, etc. I would disregard them and just put them in the trash. This one particular day I decided to read the message. This is the actual email:
Subject: The Home Depot’s One Day Event!
NEXT THURSDAY! DON’T MISS OUT ON OUR ONE DAY EVENT! We have great offers on outside furniture, paint/paint supplies, power tools and much more! Find top products under $99! Like our outdoor lighting inventory, ceiling fans, and portable grills! NEXT THURSDAY ONLY! And for more great offers come visit the Lumber Aisle from 3-5 PM at one of our locations nearest you for an upright wood cutting demonstration along with a gentle yet hardy man-on-man kiss session. “More savings. More Doing. The Home Depot.”
Wait, what?..I was so shocked that I had to read it again to make sure I read it correctly. I didn’t believe my eyes so I emailed a customer service representative about the email. This is the actual customer service email I received answering my question:
Subject: RE: Confused.
Dear Concerned Customer,
We apologize for your confusion but we hope this sheds some light on your question. You did not read the email incorrectly; Starting in 1993 we established a session in which grown men would gather in our lumber department and kiss each other from 4-5 PM on Thursdays. This was enacted when a sales representatives from one of our New York branches noticed some of our loyal customers congregating in the lumber aisle to kiss each other in a non-homosexual way. These were men who found the stresses of life overbearing and sought the companionship of fellow Home Depot customers. Since then, The Home Depot proudly created our very first slogan, “Where low prices are just the beginning,” which was then used to infer that our kissing sessions were in effect. Now in 2011 we are honored to say that 2,120 out of the 2,248 stores across America are “Kiss Friendly” locations. Invitations to each kiss session were (and still are) handed out on receipts just like this one:
Here at the Home Depot, the key words “Cock Sucking Faggots,” that is printed on the receipt is an indication that they have been invited to a kiss session. I hope this was helpful and we apologize for the confusion!
Yes, that was very informative. So, now every time you see that flustered burly man reeking of paint b-lining towards lumber, just know that he’s a very sad man on his way to an hour of pure blissful man kissing; “The Home Depot. You can do it, we can help.”