manipulative relationship

why does onision think its okay to publicly talk, in depth, about his relationship without having the consent from all parties involved in that relationship???? and then gets mad when the other person talks about personal stuff involving him in the relationship???

How to Deal with Emotional Manipulators

1. Don’t negotiate with them. For emotional manipulators, it’s all about having, exerting and gaining more power. So they’ll always push for more and they’ll never compromise.

2. Don’t engage with them. Don’t try to talk, or reason, or discuss some matter with them - as they’ll try to twist your motives, and leave you feeling “bad”.

3. Don’t confront them. They’re quick to take offense and they love an argument. They’ll then turn and attack you – and never let things go.

4. Know your own personal buttons. They’ll aim to press your buttons to get a strong reaction. But knowing yourself well means you have the upper hand. Plan how to “not react” and to stay detached and calm.

5. Refuse to accept help as they’ll treat you like “you owe them”. You’ll then be in their debt – so it’s hard to feel you’re free.

no more apology texts. no more reckless highway speeding. no more scribbled poetry in the back of spanish class. there is nothing left to lose. there is nothing left for you.

you haven’t seen me since i dyed my hair and it’s nice to have something you didn’t get to ruin. i’m dressing different too and lipsticking my way out of the girl you tore apart. i can finally breathe easy. i can finally be grateful that i never really meant it when i kissed you.

look, it’s me without you. look, i’m doing just fine. look, goddamn it, i’m lighter than i’ve been in months. there are seven billion people on the planet. i don’t think you matter so much anymore.

—  I MET SOMEONE WITH YOUR NAME AND DIDNT FLINCH // s. osborn

Be wary of those who claim if you don’t trust them, you’re hurting them.

Be wary of those who insist you are obliged to give them more than they offer in return, and if you fail to do so, you’re not doing enough.

Be wary of those who accuse you of being cruel if you don’t give them everything they want.

Be wary of those who lure you into comforting them after they’ve hurt you.

Be wary of those who demand forgiveness without ever admitting they hurt you.

Be wary of those who claim to not remember their actions that scarred you.

Be wary of those who insist they’re “human” after you confront them on their cruelty.

Be wary of those who’ll use your empathy against you, who see your compassion as a toy for them to play with.

Those do not care about your well being. They don’t care how much they’re hurting you. They wont care if they scar you permanently. They’ll take as much as they can for you, and abandon you when you need them the most.

Why people get trapped by Emotional Abusers & Why it’s not their fault

(these apply to platonic and romantic relationships)

1. Attachment

The Emotional Abuser gives you attention: they make you feel flattered, loved and important. You start to believe that they genuinely care about you. They might even think that they do by themselves since they internally justify all their doings. Normally this kind of attachment would lead to a healthy bonding and a closer relationship. With the Emotional Abuser it leads to some levels of addiction and dependency on the victim’s part which is never their fault. Emotional Abuser’s behaviour exploits normal emotional bonding to another human being.

2. Guilt

In some point in the relationship you notice that it’s all about their needs. The Abuser might do something that hurts your feelings and bringing it up leads them to reason why it’s actually your fault and why you have to take responsibility for it. They make up convincing excuses why it’s not their job to do it, why it’s absolutely unreasonable of you to ask for it and so on. In other words: they Guilt-trip you. The Emotional Abuser believes they have no responsibility for their behaviour or feelings. If they feel uncomfortable by something in the relationship they will manipulate you to take the blame instead of trying to work things out. Guilt-tripping makes the victim submit and erodes their sense of emotional and physical boundaries since they are made to believe it’s their job to cater on Abuser’s needs.

3. Cognitive dissonance

After the idealization pace the Emotional Abuser will move to a devaluing pace. Catering to their needs is not enough anymore and you feel you can’t do anything right no matter what you do. The pace starts when the Abuser feels you are getting emotionally too close and/or you are trying to hold them accountable for something they have done. Emotional Abusers are afraid of responsibility and in some cases intimacy so they will try to push you away. They use manipulation: Gaslighting and Guilt-tripping to force you into silence and to take all the responsibility for the relationship. They give you Silent Treatment which is justified by some clever excuses. Emotional Abusers believe they are entitled to absolute emotional comfort even when it means abusing other people.

Because you remember how well they used to treat you, your mind has a hard time accepting they are not the person you thought they were. In fact you might start to make excuses for them in your head because they have manipulated you to think nothing is their fault. It is extremely difficult to get away from the Abuser’s emotional trap because they take advantage of the victim’s emotional bonding to them and give false hope that the relationship could be “fixed”. You are misled into thinking that if you just learn not to be so “needy” and “selfish”, the Abuser will reward you with the loving behaviour they demonstrated in the beginning.

Aftermath

The Emotional Abuser has no intention to take responsibility for what their abusive behaviour has caused you because they have normalized and justified it in their head. Not all of the Abusers are so sure of themselves but need a lot of internal convincing and validation from others so that they can feel good about themselves which is their goal: not having to deal with responsibility or emotional labour. After all Emotional Abusers are not Disney villains but people who are so selfish that they lack of motivation to learn how to not hurt people.

There are two ways how the trap can break: the victim quits all contact with the Abuser or the Abuser leaves the victim. The latter one occurs if the Emotional Abuser feels they have to deal with too much because of the victim. The Abuser might feel threatened by the victim if the victim is making the Abuser feel bad about themself by calling out their abusive behaviour. The Emotional Abuser thinks that they are actually the victim in the relationship because the real Victim is making them feel bad and scared. The Abuser is genuinely afraid that they would have to deal with negative emotions that taking responsibility would require.

In the end the Emotional Abuser ends the relationship with some dramatic note in which they project all their feelings into the victim: you are the abuser, you have harmed them, you have threatened them. This is their way of securing their own emotional well-being as they refuse to acknowledge the reality. Just remember that it was NOT your fault and you are not responsible for their horrible behaviour. While mutually harmful and violent relationships can exist abusive relationships are based on a power imbalance and therefore there is no such a thing as “mutually abusive”. You are nothing like your abuser.

REPEAT AFTER ME:
I deserve someone better.
I deserve someone better.
I deserve someone better.
—  Repeat until you accept that there is no going back no matter how much you still love them. Tolerate NO mistreatments. Respect yourself.

i really am all about people reclaiming their own lives after abusive/unhealthy relationships. realizing that they’re a complete person on their own. realizing that there’s much more to life than another person. realizing that they’re worth a lot more than they were made to feel like. it’s refreshing to see. 

some days i am death threat and
others i am apology poem.
you were a rose and some days
i remember your softness but others
all i can think of are the thorns.
i want to see this in something other
than black and white but in my memory
there is no shared responsibility,
only killer and killed, only one
bloody body on the ground.

i want you beside me and yet i
never want you to touch me again.
i want you to whisper the pretty things to me again
but every word from your mouth makes me sick.

i want you back but i know
you haven’t changed.
i haven’t changed either.

—  it’s funny how the missing puzzle piece can also be the straw that breaks the camel’s back, sarah kate osborn

things su has asked us to forgive/sympathize with so far:

  • someone who didn’t respect someone saying no and still harassed them after finding out they were two kids
  • emotional manipulation/abuse
  • abusive relationships and the abuser in them
  • shattering someone when someone else got poofed for suggesting it
  • someone who unapologetically and continuously spews racist and xenophobic speech 

Abusive people who try to claim victim status make me so freakin’ angry. Like, no you are not a victim because people “called you out” on your behavior, or don’t “love you unconditionally,” or refused to associate with you anymore, or reported what you did. That’s not abuse, that is simply your victims trying to survive and break free. Honestly, an abusive person claiming that they are the real victims is the ultimate form of manipulation.

Not a heart break

He didn’t break me in the way that he stomped on my heart and left me lost with him. No he didn’t fall out of love with me and leave me crying myself to sleep with out him. No he didn’t break me like that. But he did make me fall for him, he did love me more than anything, but he was unable to show it. He was unable to care for me and not be over bearing and jealous. He was not able to communicate with me and not manipulate my feelings. He was unable to treat me right because he didn’t know how. No, he didn’t leave me, but he did brainwash me with his words and he did manipulate my heart to believe that was love. Which is just as bad.

You will be surprised at how fast I can turn this love into hatred, and hatred into indifference. You were never real to begin with. You never existed. That alone forced me to move on. And I am moving on.
—  To all the fake emotional manipulators in my life; I refuse to become a victim.

IF YOU LEAVE SOMEBODY AT LEAST TELL THEM WHY, BECAUSE WHAT’S MORE PAINFUL THAN ABANDONMENT; IS KNOWING YOU’RE NOT WORTH AN EXPLANATION