The Rest of Me

To the friends I made during a manic phase.
I wish I could be the person you met.
I wish I could be that person everyday.
hope joy and understanding were not only in my hands
but responsive to my fingertips
shaped into being by mere thought
worry seemed altogether unnecessary
the path was clear and I was running down it

now, there is much to worry about
where am I and what’s my place here?
did I remember to do the….
hiding from a biting wave of procrastinated projects,
growling at me 
mocking me by name
this is the rest of me
left to wander in the haze
I wrap myself in a blanket
tucking to make it tighter
so it will hug me
that I might feel less alone 

You guys...

I wanna hang out with people. I wanna get a job. I wanna start being alive again. I really do.

but everytime I try to start walking again I get carried away and start to dance and then I trip and fall all the way back down again.

Have you ever seen something that captures manic depression so well?? @tal_peleg’s look hits the nail on the head… what’s strange is that the look itself even evoked happy AND sad thoughts just looking at it. Happy because it’s brilliant and sad because of the sensitive theme. She’s a true artist, beautiful! #concreteminerals #cmhifi #manicdepression #mua #makeupart #igaddict #igbeauty #makeupaddict

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right now, i’m really fucking sick of being trans. i don’t want to be trans. i feel like i regret coming out. things were so much simpler when i was a “lesbian”. i wasn’t happy or comfortable, but things were a lot easier. my anxiety levels and my fears have risen 3287489292% in the last few months. my worries, my mood swings, my dysphoria, my fucking anger issues, it’s all. fucking. risen. gotten stronger, worse. how the fuck is this logical, possible??? 

somedays i’m extremely proud of who i am. i guess. i don’t even know right now.

but tonight? tonight i’m just goddamn tired of being this person. of having this life. if it’s not one thing it’s another. i have so many wants right now… and the sad thing is, i should have these things. i should be them. but i’m not. and that makes me even more angry. 

and i’m still out of FUCKING CIGARETTES.

i hate nights like tonight.
and no one is even awake to help.