How did things get so messed up so god damn easily? I met you three years ago, at an Ace Hardware store that my friend took me too. I remember the day I met you. I stood in awe of the blonde haired, blue eyed boy. Obviously you had a girlfriend; people would be absolutely dumb not to fall head over heels in love with you. And that’s exactly what I did. We didn’t become friends until I was introduced to you by my best friend (at the time), your girlfriend, R. I stuffed my feelings down my throat, there was no way in hell a guy like you would like a girl like me.
Fast forward to a few months ago, my attraction toward you was getting deeper. I felt it with you too, I felt all the times you wanted to kiss me but couldn’t because of R.
I remember one night your mom was out of town and I came over. You wanted to see R so we went and got ice cream and she flipped that we were hanging out. I told you I needed to be home by 9:30, so we left her house. I didn’t end up leaving your house until almost 2 a.m, we created this elaborate plan to run away together in two years and get married. I guess we made that joke one too many times in front of your mom, and she told you you needed to choose. Keep the girlfriend or don’t. She jokingly suggested to flip a coin.
Your mom started to panic, apologizing up and down, left and right. You shut her down but explaining that by the time the coin lands in your hand, you already know what you want your answer to be. You picked heads to represent the choice to stay with R, and tails to break up with her.
It was tails.
And now we’re here. I ended my friendship with R two months ago because she kept accusing me of trying to sleep with you. You broke up with R a month ago, but you’re still hooking up, she’s still your background, and she still has a heart next to her name in your phone. What happened last night shouldn’t have happened but it did and I’m not quite sure how to feel about it.
Last night, we kissed. I tricked you into thinking that I was giving you a sweet little peck but I pulled your bottom lip in between my teeth and that drove you to beg for more. I promised myself I wouldn’t do this. That I wouldn’t do anything with you or to you while you were still sorta-more-or-less with R. But the dark bruises on your collarbone say otherwise… You want to see me again tonight, and I leave in 4 days for a week trip in the middle of nowhere. It’s going to be hard not seeing your face or talking to you, but maybe this is a blessing in disguise…
Maybe you’ll finally let R go, or maybe you won’t (everyone wants you to, just so you know). I guess only time will tell…
It hurts me to have to write this. I really, really didn’t want it to have to come to this, but for the last couple of months I have felt really let down by you. You are supposed to be my best friend. We have known each other for over twenty-years, and you were always supposed to be the person I could turn to. But lately, you have become increasingly distant, and the worst thing is, I don’t even think it’s intentional. I think I have naturally slipped from your priorities, and that’s okay to an extent because I get it. Trust me, I get it. We get older, we get more responsibilities, we get less time for each other. But when I am constantly reaching out to you to get together, catch up, have some drinks, you are always either “too busy” or you forget you have made the commitment and end up letting me down. It is always me making the effort, too. Friendship is a two-way street, and I am tired of always being the one to try to make the plans. Whenever you are “too busy” to do something, you never offer an alternative date. How fucking horrible do you think that makes me feel? As though I, your best friend, am not good enough to spend time with. Because you’re never too busy for your other friends, are you? You are constantly doing things with them. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to have done something to upset you, but if I have, tell me. Don’t just treat me like I’m nobody. I’d have thought we’d been friends long enough, and gone through too much for you to just treat this friendship as though it is nothing.
Maybe I’m being too sentimental. But is there really so much wrong with someone wanting to do something with her best friend? To literally admit that you forgot that we made plans last week, to tell me you would rearrange this weekend only for me to hear nothing from you - that tells me all I need to know. See, maybe I’m different, but I know that if I’ve promised to let my friend know if I’m available to do something, I would fucking text them and let them know either way. But you just clean forgot about me, didn’t you? Clean forgot that we were supposed to do something. Clean forgot about your best friend. You don’t even ask me how I’m doing, even when you straight up know I’m having a shitty time at work. It’d be nice for you to ask me how it’s going (still awful, by the way).
Okay. I get it. I’m done. I am officially finished trying to keep this friendship going. I’ve told myself that I’d be done a hundred times before now but something in me just can’t bear to let a 20 year friendship go that easily. But maybe I can now. Maybe I can, if you can. I’ll stop hitting you up, see how long we go before I hear from you/see you again. I’m willing to bet it will be a long time. I’m interested to actually see how it goes, because I’m tired this shit.
Won’t it be a shame, when you suddenly need me and I’m not there anymore.