man in a chair

p.sj | scenario | my turn 💦

[ thank you for requesting, hope you enjoy! and i kinda made this an au!gangster-jin type of sceneario, if that’s okay - i just got a weakness for gangsta!bts  💦 ]

Rated (M) for mature.


She waited for him to finish taking care of business from behind the tinted glass. Her legs crossed, sitting prettily in her chair while grinning at the man that was getting his ass handed to him in the small room with no windows. The only light that filled it was the single bulb that hung from the ceiling - but from where she sat, she could see perfectly.

“I’ve been nothing but patient with you. Given you chance after chance, took you in, treated you like family - and this is how you fucking repay me for my generosity?” Jin punctuated with another harsh swing to the man’s jaw, nearly knocking him off the chair. The slight sound of teeth hitting the floor almost made Y/n wince. Almost.

“P-Please…I didn’t mean it - I-I was only trying to look out for my family, I was j-just-!”

“So stealing from me is going to help your fucking family? You don’t think I’ve got my own to take care of, that you practically took food right out of their mouths?” He motioned for his two right-hands to lift him up from the chair, and hold his lofty head straight. “Answer me, you fuck!”

“I-I didn’t know! I swear, I didn’t! Please, forgive me!” The man sobbed like a child. It made Y/n sick at how easily Jin could break him. To be honest, he was going easy on him at the moment - she knew her husband could do so much worse. There was suddenly silence in the room, nothing but the sound of the man’s cries. Jin stared down at him, his face showing no emotion - just the crease in his brow.

After what felt like hours, but only minutes, Jin tilted his head to the side to where his attention was now in the direction of the tinted glass. Y/n could feel chills run down her spine at the sight of his hard eyes coming in contact with her own. That man practically did nothing, and here she was - melting on the spot.

“Get in here, beautiful.”

Not needing any further instruction, Y/n was escorted to the door to enter the room. Once inside, the faint smell of blood filled up her nostrils, so strong it almost burned. But, didn’t mean she wasn’t used to it - this definitely wasn’t her first rodeo. The sound of her heels echoed around the small room, the slow pace that she had made the atmosphere more intense with every step. When she finally reached his side, an arm quickly snaked around her waist, pulling her in front of him. Jin’s head rested on top of hers, once her body physically relaxed into his.

“Open your eyes.” He demanded, the man sniffling a couple of times, until he finally did as he was told. “This woman, the love of my life, the mother of my two beautiful sons…is going to determine your fate. She will decided if you deserve to live.”

Releasing her from his hold, Y/n circled around the man. Once again keeping her pace nice and slow, her finger tips tapping at her bottom lip as she pretended to think. Coming back to the front, she spoke.

“How much did you steal?”

The man starts to shutter, not believing that he was being questioned by a woman. Before he could even finish his sexist thoughts, Y/n didn’t hesitate to slap him across the face.

Jin only smirks before biting his lower lip. Seeing you get this way always managed to excite him. “The lady asked you a question. I suggest you start talking.”

“I s-stole…just a couple stacks…t-that’s all.”

Y/n hums, raising an eyebrow. “How many kids do you have?”

“[Sniff] O-one…a little girl…”

“I don’t believe one little girl is worth two stacks of cash. If I can recall - you told my husband that you were a single father, so I know there’s no Mrs. So why the hell did you think you or her were worth 10 fucking grand? Did you think that I wouldn’t need that money more than you? Did you think my sons wouldn’t need the money that my husband worked his ass off to get for us?”

“Please…have mercy on me, I beg you…”

“I don’t want you to fucking beg!” This time she throws a punch, the two right-hands loosening their grip to where the man falls to the floor with small thud. “Not only are you a filthy thief, but you are a liar. You don’t have a family, you only took that money for yourself. You think that I’m stupid enough not to do background checks on the people we let join? You killed your wife in cold blood, you never had any kids, and you were stealing the money so you could run off somewhere - you used Jin’s kindness to save your pathetic ass.”

That caught the leader’s attention, as his smirk was quick to disappear. “You son of bitch. That was nothing but a goddamn sob story? And here I was, almost falling for it. [Chuckle] Babygirl, what would I do without you?”

Within a split second, Jin pulls out his gun. The man quickly starts to plead while on his knees, tears started to mix in with his own blood that also ran down his face. Taking a good couple steps away from the splash zone, Jin used his free arm to wrap around her once more, his head back to resting on hers.

“What will it be, my love?”

Staring down at the man, practically shaking with adrenaline, Y/n couldn’t control the grin that spread across her face. “Kill the bastard.”

The man’s cries became louder, until the shout of the gun hushed him, leaving the room surrounded by silence. Jin signaled for his right-hands to dispose of the body and clean the area, handing the gun over to one of them.

“This was definitely more messier than I intended. Sorry about that, Suga.”

“I’m just glad this is over with. His crying was starting to get on my last nerve,” He shook his head at the corpse, kicking it once to make sure he was really dead.

“Nice left hook, by the way.” Namjoon winks, Y/n only rolling her eyes.

“Kiss my ass another night, Joonie.” Taking a hold of Jin’s hand, she leads the way out of the room. “Make sure we didn’t wake the boys and that all the money is returned. Let’s call it a night, shall we?”

“Yes, ma’am.” The two of them playfully saluted, going to work with cleaning up the mess that was made.


It didn’t take long for the mood to be set. By the time the door was closed, blocking out the outside world, the two of them practically threw themselves at each other. Lips locked in a rushed and passionate embrace, clothes being thrown God-knows-where, impatient hands touching any inch of skin they could find. This was what they lived for.  

Y/n lets out a squeal, followed by a curt laugh once Jin threw her onto the bed. The slight squeak in the mattress, along with silky sheets, gave her goosebumps. But, the sight of her lover hovering above her, his eyes darkened with a mix of love and lust was enough to send her blood running cold. Oh, the things this man did to her was unreal. It was like they were teenagers again.

“You truly are amazing,” he spoke lowly, his lips leaving small pecks from her neck, to her shoulder, until it reached all the way down just above her navel. “Seeing you get all worked up like that - I had to stop myself from ravishing you right then and there. I didn’t care if the boys watched, or not. I needed you so bad, jagi…I am going to ruin you.”

Kisses placed on the insides of her thighs, his nails digging into her hips to the point she let out a small hiss in response. Breathless was how she felt, and he barely even did anything. If she wanted to try what she’s been wanting to try for a while now, she needed to do it fast before her brain fogged over. It was now or never. Gripping his hair roughly, Y/n pulls the boy out from between her thighs, grabbing his attention. Jin, now looking up at her with confusion, rose up from his position until he was now leveled with her face again.

“Nah, Seokjin. Not this time. Tonight, I’m going to be the one to ruin you.” Quickly switching the positions, Y/n was now the one hovering over the other, her hands shoving his broad shoulders deep into the mattress. “I’ve been thinking lately, and what happened earlier was definitely the closer. You’ve gotten to be dominate almost the whole entire time we’ve been together - so why not give me a turn? You give me an option in anything decision you make, but when it comes to the bedroom, I don’t get any say. But, that’s about to change.”

She could tell Jin didn’t take her seriously, his eyebrows raised a certain way to where it was blatantly obvious. “And how do you propose that?”

Y/n didn’t like the way he was doubting her ability to be dominate - hell, she showed that she was not to be fucked with just minutes ago, and now all of the sudden he’s skeptical. Pursing her lip, she rolled off him to retrieve something from the nightstand drawer. The small clank of metal was heard as Y/n turned back to him with a serious expression upon her face.

“Arms up.”

Jin blinked a couple of times, still not believing. Deciding to humor her, he did as he was told. Not even a second later did Y/n handcuff him to the post, then maneuvering her way to the end of the bed. Giving him a little show, Y/n goes the extra mile with taking her underwear off, shimmying her hips then groping her own breasts right after. Even thought he was naive at what she was capable of, didn’t mean the sight wasn’t pleasant. The anticipation of what she was going to do to him only heightened his arousal. It wasn’t until her hands started traveling a little too low for his liking.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

Ignoring his question, Y/n uses a single digit to glide down the path of her stomach, soon reaching what she’s been waiting for all night. Slowly circling the nub with little pressure was enough to make her breathing pick up in pace, while soft moans escape past her lips. Jin didn’t like for his princess to touch what was his. Especially without permission.

“Stop.” He grunted, tugging at the handcuffs roughly. That only seemed to make her pick up speed, the events from earlier and the look he now had increased the wetness between her thighs even more. “Y/n, I’m fucking warning you, I said enough!”

“A-Aw, is daddy getting angry~? We h-haven’t even started yet, and you’re already antsy.” Y/n did nothing but disobey him, staring into his eyes as she now used to two fingers to spread her arousal around. Jin could do nothing but watch, and she loved it. Just seeing him squirming already, his face turning slightly red as his blood was starting to boil just made her feel so powerful.

“Y/n, I swear to God, if you don’t-”

“Shut up, and suck.” Not even letting him finish his threat, Y/n shoved those two fingers into his mouth, crawling closer to where she now hovered above his stomach. Jin couldn’t help but to groan at the taste - not to mention her choice of words. Usually he’d be the one saying such demands; now that the tables have turned, he had to admit it was the hottest thing to even hit his ear drums. He held eye contact as his mouth went to work on those two fingers, sucking and licking as if his life depended on it. Y/n had to bite her tongue to keep from moaning, the feel of his warm mouth was almost enough to crumble the walls she just built. Almost.

Once positive that he got it all, she retracted her fingers from his mouth, leaving behind a slight trail of saliva. Wiping them on the sheets, Y/n crawled the rest of the way up his torso, making him lay flat on the mattress until she was now mere centimeters from his face. Eyes now focused on his most prized possession, Jin licked his lips slowly. He knew exactly what she wanted him to do, but he wanted to make her work for it. Since it was his turn to be the tease.

Not tolerating the wait, Y/n grips his hair roughly, pulling his face closer to her dripping entrance. “Baby boy, do not test me.”

The sound of that nickname was so sinful coming from her mouth, Jin didn’t need to be told twice. Leaning in the rest of the way, his lips finally came in contact with her clit, doing it that same way he did her fingers. Only this time - much, much slower. Y/n releases her hold on his hair to grip at the post in front of her, nearly falling over at the intense feeling. It had been a while since the two of them did this, him having been busy with gang-related stuff, and you being busy taking care of your boys. After two long and stressful months of nothing but cuddles and pecks, this was definitely what you both needed.  

Jin knew what made his babygirl tick; every small detail about her, what spots to hit, when to change the speed, he practically memorized it all. Even with no hands, he knew when to add more pressure with his tongue, or when to tilt his head in different angles. But, with no hands, he couldn’t control her whining hips. It didn’t take long for them to start wiggling from side to side, setting up her own pace, basically getting herself off with him just being the toy to do it. Getting slightly aggravated, Jin stops his ministrations and lays his head down on the pillow, no longer in contact with her clit. The slight sound of her growl made his cock twitch, but he held his ground. If she thought that he was gonna just roll over like some bitch, then she was mistaken.

But, if he thought he was getting away with that - he was mistaken.

“So, you want to be stubborn, hm? Okay…I have ways of punishing naughty boys.” Y/n once again rolls off him, this time taking off his now tight boxers. Jin hisses slightly at the cool air hitting his sensitive skin, but nearly loses his breath when she starts to slowly stroke him.

Fuck…” He sighs, head thrown back as he’s finally receiving the pleasure he’s been after. Tugging at the cuffs once more, his stomach clenches as her grip tightens. “Just like that…”

Y/n grins as she descends to her knees, peppering the base with light kisses, until her tongue swipes up the length slowly. His breaths start coming out choppy, soft moans following behind some of them. Jin was starting to think she had finally came to her senses and decided to take care of him - like a good girl. All of the sudden, Jin felt her pull away, only for her mouth to be replaced by something cold. His eyes fluttered open at the feeling, trying to lift his head upward to see what you had just put on him. It wasn’t until the soft noise of something vibrating filled the room, and soon his eyes rolled to the back of his head. She had just turned on a vibrating cock-ring.

“Oh, God, jagi~” Jin moaned loudly, the pitch in his voice having no choice but to go up an octave. This was a whole new sensation, the vibration assuring him sweet release, but the grip of the ring halted that relief without mercy. His hips now wiggled from side to side, bucking and thrusting up into the air, with his head still thrown backward. Tugging at the cuffs in desperation, there was no sign of them breaking anytime soon. What the hell were they made out of?

She marveled in the way her husband now portrayed himself; a sweaty, panting, whimpering mess. Patting herself on the back, Y/n returns to her previous position, once again centimeters from his face. She could see that his eyes were closed tightly, his face turning even deeper red as it is seemed like it was becoming difficult for him to breathe. The sight only seemed to turn her own even more

“How does it feel, baby? To be vulnerable, with no control?” He was silent, biting his lip to keep from making noise. All he was doing was making it harder on himself. Letting out a shout of pleasure when she turned the speed up a little, she spoke again. “The lady asked you a question. I suggest you start talking.”

Using his words from before seemed to grab his attention in no time. Taking a moment to compose himself, he responds. “S-So…g-good…”

“How badly do you want to cum?”

“So f-fucking-ah.! So b-bad, baby..!” Unfortunatly for him, he had no choice but to reduce to begging. His cock practically pulsated, pre-cum just leaking out of control as he pleaded with his eyes. “P-Please, Y/n, I-I’ll be good..! I-I swear! Please, I can’t t-take it anymore! You win, fuck, you win!”

It was music to her ears. Caressing his scalp for a moment, Y/n showed a little mercy by turning the ring to it’s lowest setting, giving Jin a chance to catch his breath. Still twitching slightly, his pants fanned over her still glistening slit, sending tingles through the pit of her stomach. “Good boy~ Finish me first, and then you’ll get what you want.”

Without warning, Jin stretched out his neck, quickly attaching his eager mouth right back to her opening - no longer wasting time to enter his warm muscle and begin thrusting it as fast as he could. Finding her hands to be gripping the post again, Y/n couldn’t stop the gasps and moans from spilling out of her mouth. Like what was said before, he knew what made his babygirl tick.

It didn’t take long for her to approach her limit, helping by bucking her hips in time with each stroke of his tongue. The feel of her walls clenching around it made the gang leader whine in desperation - never have wanted to come so badly in his life, until now. Suddenly, not being able to take it as well, Y/n pulled off of him, making him start to panic for a moment.

“W-Wait! Did I do something wrong? Please don’t turn the ring back up, I-I was trying my hardest - honestly, I was-!”

“Sh, sh, sh.” Y/n ran a hand through his sweaty hair, almost wanting to laugh at how similar he sounded like the man he murdered in cold blood not too long ago. Oh, the irony. “I know you were. I think you’ve been punished long enough, baby.”

Soon, the ring came completely off, now allowing Jin to finally relax his tense muscles for only a moment. It didn’t take long for her to straddle his hips, and slowly lower herself until the very tip of him entered her scorching heat. This caused him to inhale deeply at the feeling, nearly coming from it - alone. Y/n practically teared up at almost being connected with him again, it being so long that the feeling of him stretching her made her wince just a little. Yep, it was like they were teenagers again.

Taking a moment to savor the feeling a little longer, Y/n takes a deep breath before sinking down the rest of the way. Both of them let out sounds of relief, after long torture, finally getting what the both of them wanted for so long. Y/n ran her nails down his chest slowly, clenching and unclenching, trying to get used to it. Neither one of them spoke, instead stared deeply into each other’s eyes. Jin could not believe what this woman had just put him through - this was premeditated. There was never a dull moment with Y/n- she always made his life more exciting. She once again proved that she was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

As if she could read his mind, Y/n leaned down to place a kiss upon his lips, the faint taste of herself still lingering on them as she deepened it. After pulling away, she decided to finally unlock him from the cuffs. “You earned it. Don’t make me regret it.”

Her words may have sounded threatening, but Jin only smiles softly. Not wasting another moment, his arms wrapped around her middle tightly, pulling her bare chest to meet with his. Wrapping hers around his neck, Y/n started to ride him - at first slowly to get a good rhythm. But, soon that slow pace turned into something desperate - as both of them were yearning for release. One hand tangled in his hair while the other continued being wrapped around his neck, Y/n could just feel her immense love for this man - the way he held her, kissed her, made her feel. How he gave her two beautiful children, a home, a place where she belonged. Once again bringing her to tears at how lucky she was.

And the feelings were mutual with him. She was everything to Jin, hugging her close to where he could feel her heartbeat match up with his, making sure to angle his hips a certain way until-

“Oh, Seokjin~” She cried out, holding onto him tighter as he hit that one spot - over, and over again. To make it even harder for her to hold on any longer, he started chanting encouragements to help coax her arrival - while going a little rougher.

“That’s it, that’s it,” He’d whisper in her ear, his grip on her hips only tightening as he felt his climax approaching soon. “Cum for me, baby.”

Those final words being the last thing she heard before all that was left was nothing but white. It didn’t take Jin long to follow right after, his hot seed painting her walls in long spurts - practically leaving him speechless. Holding onto each other a little while longer, riding out their highs, the two lovers basked in the after glow of what they’ll mark down as the most intense sex they’ve had so far.

Soon after, Jin chuckles softly, slowly pulling out of her. “Damn. You should be dominate more often - where the hell did all that come from?”

“You should never underestimate me, Jinny. I’m full of surprises,” She smirks lazily, Jin only smiling brightly as he lays on his back, taking her with him.

“I love you. So much, you couldn’t even imagine. After today, you’ve shown that you’re no longer the scared teenage girl I met years ago. You’re this strong, sexy, grown woman I have the privilege of having a family with.”

Resting her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, Y/n places a small kiss on the spot. “It’s about damn time that you noticed. But, I love you, too, Kim Seokjin. Next time you wanna hire some idiot off the street - make sure you run them by me first. It’ll save Suga and Rap Mon the effort of having to clean up after you all the fucking time.”

Even though she spoke such harsh words, the hint of exhaustion in her voice only made her appear precious to the gang leader. Chuckling once again, covering the both of them with the sheets, Jin places a small kiss to her forehead as she slowly drifts off to sleep.

“What would I do without you?”

Today I learned that Colonel Sanders of delicious crispy chicken fame was not a military colonel but a Kentucky Colonel

Though way back in the day Kentucky Colonels did have some manner of involvement in military, it basically just became like Kentucky knighthood where the only qualifications are “Kentucky thinks you’re cool”. Kentucky Colonels do not need to be from Kentucky. They don’t need to have lived in Kentucky. They don’t even need to have lived in America.

Other Kentucky Colonels include Muhammad Ali, Winston Churchill, Hunter S. Thompson, and Jeff Foxworthy, which is a failed Bill & Ted script just waiting to happen.

Anyways, Colonel Sanders had a goddamn wild life. Here’s some choice moments from his wiki page and and some other places:

-Faked his birthday to join the army when he was 16 and was honourably discharged a year later

-Worked on trains until he became a lawyer. Stopped being a lawyer after getting into a fistfight with his own client in the courtroom.

-Got a job selling life insurance and got fired for insubordination. After selling more life insurance for a different company, decided to start a ferry company.

-While acting as a minority shareholder and secretary for the ferry company, he became secretary of commerce in the state of Indiana. He quit a few months later because he “wasn’t very good at it”

-Sold his shares in the ferry company to start a company that produced acetylene lamps, which failed due to a competitors cooler electric lamps. Got a job selling tires, and then got laid off when the plant closed. Got a job running a service station, then got laid off when the station closed, because the Great Depression happened.

-Got a job at a different gas station owned by Shell and began selling chicken (!). Became the uncontested king of local chicken after his competitor showed up, tried to shoot him, shot a Shell official instead, and got convicted of murder.

-After his wife took their kids and left him to move back in with her parents, Sanders hid in the forest outside their house planning to kidnap the kids when they came outside. Got bored of waiting for them so he just strolled over to the house and talked it out with his wife and in-laws.

-KFC happened, being a colonel happened, he sold it but continued to be the company’s public image. Proceeded to randomly show up at various KFC franchises and insult them if they made it poorly. Continued to insult KFC’s parent company Heublin forever, including saying their food was gross and suing them for misusing his image. They tried to sue him for libel and were unsuccessful.

-He literally wore nothing but that white suit for the last 20 years of his life and also bleached his facial hair

-“According to a Thought Catalog synopsis of [his autobiography], Colonel Sanders was a servant of God, with a nasty mouth and a willingness to pummel a man with a chair”

-He has a publicly viewable file with the FBI that includes a paragraph that begins with “Colonel Harland D. Sanders has not been the subject of an FBI investigation” immediately followed by a paragraph of redacted text

I’m supposed to be up at 6am tomorrow but here I am reading about the chicken man. I don’t even know if I CAN sleep now

when homecoming comes out on dvd I want every single deleted scene or else I’m suing

instagram

WHY IS HE SO MAD AT JB WHAT DID HE DO

  • Peter: Bro.
  • Ned: What bro?
  • Peter: Tell the whole world we're bros.
  • Ned *whispers*: We're bros.
  • Peter: Why'd you whisper bro?
  • Ned: Because you're my whole world bro.
  • Peter: Bro.
NHL Bitty Part XIV - BEYONCÉ

Post-Wedding: Eric’s a little famous, but he’s not used to taking advantage of that status. Good thing he’s surrounded himself with people who don’t have the same hang-ups.


Beyoncé’s new tour dates are announced and not only is she playing Starbucks Arena, she’s playing in Seattle during a lull between a stretch of home games. 

“I didn’t realize you were so into Beyoncé, Bittle. Isn’t that a little bit stereotypical?”

Eric doesn’t have time for Boomer’s casual homophobia, pre-sale tickets go on sale in three minutes and for once this miserable season, he’d like to get something he actually wants.

“I don’t know if anyone has told you, Booms, but I’m pretty fucking gay. And you know what else is a stereotype: sucking big, thick, hard –”

Boomer raises his hands and backs away from Eric’s table. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry.”

Eric waves the d-man off while Carter slides out the chair beside Eric and drops his take-out box on the table, careful not to jostle the laptop.

“He’s getting better.”

“He’s getting his stall plastered with hardcore vintage porn is what he’s getting,” Eric mutters. “Swear to the Lord, you’d think I was a walking identity crisis –” 

Two minutes. His card info is pre-loaded. Carter is chomping away on something that smells like curry. Eric’s blood is vibrating under his skin like he’s in overtime. He’s ready. 

“Wait, why are you buying them yourself? I’m sure JoAnn can get some from the front office for us.”

Eric stares at the screen. 1:27. He doesn’t want to bother the team’s publicist over something like this. He’s an adult. He needed help with Hamilton tickets, he doesn’t need help for Beyoncé. He knows Beyoncé. 

Maybe not literally, but still. 

“Dude, let me call her. Just in case.”

“Leave her alone. She’s done enough for us this season.”

0:18

“Maybe we should –”

“Shhhhhhhh!” 

The waiting room clicks over and he’s in. Easy as pie. He selects his seats, nabs the VIP package, gets to the checkout screen, and…

And…

“What the hell…?”

 An error message pops up.

“No, no, no, no,” Eric clicks the screen, and when the page refreshes there’s nothing there. No seats. No VIP meet and greet. Nothing. A happy little banner pops up that reads ‘Thank you for participating in Citi Bank’s Presale –’

Eric’s stomach drops. “Are you kidding me!? It’s been thirty seconds!”

“It’s bots, man,” Bay shouts from across the room. “Those ticket resellers program these computers to –”

“I don’t give a good god damn if it’s a robot! I was right there! They were mine!” He drops his head to the table and whines. “I can afford them on the secondary market, it’s just the principle of the matter.”

“I’m so sorry, man,” Carter runs a sympathetic hand over his back. “Can I call JoAnn now?”

Eric shakes his head, content to wallow in his own sadness. “Everything I touch turns to death,” he moans.

“That sounds like a yes.”

Eric’s phone starts vibrating beside his head – the tap-tap-tap pulse he’s set for Jack – but before he can answer Carter’s tapped the call button for him.

“Hey, Zimmermann. You’re on speaker phone, your husband’s in a state.”

“Carter, um, thanks? Bits, you okay? Did you get your tickets?”

“…no,” Eric sighs, lifting his head to stare blearily at his phone. “The bots ruined me, Jack. I’m dead.”

“Your man is too proud to use his contacts, Zimms,” Carter snickers and elbows Eric in the side. 

“That’s unfortunate,” Jack consoles, but Eric can hear something else in his voice. Something distinctly amused.

“Jack, I swear to god if you make me wait any longer –”

“I have two VIP passes sitting on my desk at home right now. I talked to my agent about it weeks ago. I wanted it to be a surprise.”   

Eric’s mouth goes dry and Carter shakes his shoulders roughly in excitement. He can’t make his voice work. 

Carter leans in close, whispering, “Bittle, you crying?”

“Bits? Bud? You there?”

“No,” Eric breathes, composing himself, “I’m just, really happy I married my husband, and I get to meet Beyoncé.”

There’s silence across the line, then, “Bits, I know those things aren’t in order, and that’s okay. I love you, too.”

when i was seven i went over to my friend’s house to watch a movie and sometime during my visit we accidentally busted her bean bag chair and the contents spilled every where so she starts begging me not to tell her mom and then suddenly her mom opens the door and sees the mess and my friend just yells “WE’VE BEAN DISCOVERED” and i still haven’t stopped laughing for all these years