5e, Epic Campaign, Bad Decisions
Context: Due to a series of events involving our Barbarian and Paladin trying to force-feed fossilized mammoth shit to the party Monk, said Monk is revealed as a servant of Loth, and manages to summon an army of drow to invade the capital.
Me, a smol Eldritch Knight too young to drive: “I’m gonna join the army.”
Goes to gates to join the fight, finds the general.
Me: “I want to fight.”
General: ~Looks up and down at this 12-year-old child~ "Really? And how are you going to do that?“
Me: I pull out my bow and shoot at a target on the far side of the wall behind the General.
DM: ~Raises eyebrows~ You’re gonna have to roll for it.
Me: It’s cool, I got an 11+ to FAAAAAK NATURAL 1.
DM: ~Laughing~ You deal critical damage to the general. ~Rolls~ He falls over dead. The remaining guards in the room close in to arrest you.
Me: ~Looks up at the guards, holding an oversized longbow~ ”No one will ever believe you.“
My party now wants to turn me in for a 100,000 gp reward.