Does anyone else fill up with dread when you realise your guy friend has a crush on you, because you’re now going to be socially obligated to provide him with additional emotional labour if you don’t want to suffer social sanctions for not fulfilling your gender’s role of managing men’s feelings?

Men who are attracted to women routinely make their crushes a problem for the women they’re aimed at. If they possess the basic understanding that they’re not entitled to a woman’s interest - which honestly can’t be assumed - they still generally feel entitled to her time and emotional labour.

They expect explanations, a chance to ask questions about her lack of interest, and perhaps even a chance to convince her to “give him a chance”. They expect to be let down in the gentlest, most complimentary way possible, to have their feelings managed every step of the way by a woman who did not ask for this interest or the job of handling it.

This is one form of male entitlement, a near-ubiquitous form of misogyny that’s so embedded it often goes unnoticed. Men, think critically about the expectations you have of a woman you’re interested in. Are you making your feelings her problem, or are you managing them on your own like a respectful adult?

No one likes to be rejected. But it’s not the job of the person rejecting you to comfort you about it or listen to heartfelt confessions they don’t want to hear. Your interest doesn’t mean they owe you. Find someone who consents to giving you that emotional labour; don’t demand it from someone you’ve trapped in an awkward situation. Let “no” be enough.

anonymous asked:

Geekdom is the only place where socially shunned males can be save and be themselves. So when women, who exclude them outside geek culture, invade those save spaces and force the scene to conform to their wants and rules they leave the men with nowhere to go. Where can they flee? They're backed into a corner. Attacking invading women is not harrassment - it is defense. Women hate socially inept males. Why should they not hate them back when they try to destoy their only sanctuary.

Ok, where to begin with this trainwreck.

Gaming was never yours. Never. It was not designed as a safe space for guys free of women and you have no exclusive rights to the medium in the same way that no gender have exclusive rights to film and television. If women said you were not allowed to read books because that is their safe thing you would think they were ridiculous, you do not own a medium.

Women are not required to want to hang out with you in real life in order to game, that is another bullshit standard you apply to them and not to men. If a guy is a jerk whom you wouldn’t want to hang out with in real life you don’t throw a tantrum.

Women are not a hivemind, we each have our own individual thoughts and feelings and judge you individually. 

That being said, women don’t want to hang out with you, not because you’re socially inept, but because you are an entitled asshole who thinks that women owe you their time outside of games in order to be able to play games without hostility. 

If men weren’t hostile towards women, who have just as much a right to game as them, and weren’t so hostile towards the concept of fair representation then there would be any changes to the “scene” required, because people would already have a fair and fun experience.

Games are not your sanctuary mate, they are a product medium and never once has it been yours. Get over yourself.

People’s reactions when a woman says she isn’t interested in a man that is interested in her is absolutely terrifying and disgusting. They honestly think the man’s right to have her is more important than her lack of interest. Like, because he is interested in her he deserves to have exactly what he wants and she is supposed to just ignore her lack of connection and put her feelings aside and cave to his desires. ‘Give him a chance’ and ‘you might grow to like him’ and every other excuse in the book is just a dressed up version of ‘he wants you and your opinion and feeling don’t matter at all because your life is secondary to his’

At its most basic level, all of this emotional labour is saying to another human being “you matter. I will take my time to show you that you matter.” And maintaining that glue is something that devolves mainly onto women, 24 hours a day. It feels like most men are taught (ex- or implicitly) to do emotional work only when it gets them something they want now, whereas most women are taught to do emotional work as part of an ongoing exchange that benefits everyone.

eee-in  asked:

you say you wanna destroy gender roles so why are so many women I go out with insisting that I pay on the first date? Apparently you're all strong independent women until it comes to paying for that overpriced salad you just ordered. women want men to kiss their ass and treat them like princess yet hate them at the same time. fuck right off

Are you aware that men get paid more than women? Are you aware that the work women do is consistently devalued not just on the individual level but on a massive scale that sees industries start to pay less and less as women take more and more jobs in them? Are you aware that computer programming as an industry gained not just prestige but MASSIVE wage increases when men began to move in and take the jobs that were previously held by women? Are you aware that there’s a huge wealth gap between men and women?

Are you aware of the pink tax,  whereby products intended for women consistently cost more than products intended for men despite costing the same to produce and despite women as a class having far less money than men as a class? Are you aware that women are socially sanctioned for not owning a wider selection of clothes than men, and that women’s clothes are more expensive?

Are you aware that women are socially sanctioned for not wearing makeup, something else that costs a lot of money, or shaving much larger parts of their bodies than men, which causes us to go through our (more expensive) razors/razor blades faster than men? Are you aware that women’s hygeine products are more expensive and that we’re socially sanctioned for not having long hair, something that requires, again, specific and frequently expensive products to upkeep?

Are you aware that these social sanctions don’t end with social ramifications, but can actually make the difference between a woman getting hired, fired, or getting a pay rise, because women who don’t perform femininity in socially accepted ways are considered less “professional”?

Are you aware that in order to have sex without ending up solely responsible for a child, women who are capable of pregnancy pay huge amounts of money for birth control and/or abortions, which aren’t covered under many insurance policies while the pills cis men need to get erections is covered much more often?

Are you aware that a man is more likely to be hired if potential employers know he has children, but that a woman is less likely to be hired if potential employers know she has children?

Are you aware that women have much less available money because we start off being paid less by our jobs and we’re expected to pay more as the rent for existing in the world as a woman?

Are you aware that despite all this, not all feminists expect men to pay for our meals on a date? Are you aware that not every feminist is even interested in dating men? Are you aware that not every woman is a feminist, and the women you’re dating aren’t automatically trying to abolish gender roles just because they’re women?

Are you aware that you are looking at a population of people who face significantly higher rates of harrassment, abuse, and rape, a population who is paid less and expected to pay more, a population who is tightly restricted by gender roles that expect us to do unpaid emotional and domestic labour for men like you who see it as your due, and your first fucking question is why our very top priority isn’t making sure you don’t have to pay a little extra on a goddamned date?

Fuck you.

We’re here to abolish gender roles. One of them is who pays for dates. But fuck you for thinking that should be higher on our priority list when that list is populated with things like “stopping rapes” and “making sure women are getting paid fairly in the first place”.

Intelligence is not a redeeming character trait.

I’m really unbelievably tired of (mostly male) characters being “redeemed” from their bad attitudes, bad manners, poor treatment of other characters, etc. by the big reveal of their supposed genius. 

Being intelligent (no matter how intelligent) doesn’t make a person worth more than anyone else. It doesn’t excuse any of those things. It isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card for bad behavior, and having other skills (no matter what they are) doesn’t justify never prioritizing learning how to not hurt the people around them.

It’s not an excuse. 

And I think this is especially important to bring up for (mostly white) male characters, because actual men outside of fiction are excused by society in the same way that narratives excuse them in fiction. As long as they’re perceived by society as being “more important” than other people (which they already are by default if they’re men, and even more so if they’re white, etc.), any inappropriate, harmful, or offensive behavior toward other people is excused. 

The excuses are always that it would be “hard” for someone who is SO INCREDIBLY GIFTED to… be kind? Show compassion? Consider the effects of their actions on others and act accordingly? 

It’s bullshit. 

Fundamentally the trope is ableist (by basing someone’s worth around their mental capacity), with undertones of classism and racism (in the same ways that IQ tests are classist and racist), and it perpetuates a narrative of male privilege and entitlement.

And by the way, if you were reading this post and thinking “Is this about [specific male character who does this]?” then the answer is yes.

To those people who read a story of a boy turning violent after a girl repeatedly rejects him and say, “Well, it’s her fault, because she should have just said yes and given him a chance…”

At what point is she allowed to say no?

If she’s not allowed to say no to the first date, is she allowed to say no to the second? The third? To being his girlfriend? To kissing him? To having sex? To meeting his parents? To getting married? To starting a family?

At what point would you find it acceptable for her to actually have an opinion on the direction her life is taking, the way she spends her time, or with whom she spends it?

And do you really think he’s suddenly going to take “no” well at that point?

When I was 15 a guy at a party complained about me being a lesbian because it meant he had no chance even if he was a really nice guy. I was astounded by what he said and simply walked away, but here is what I wished I had said: I am bisexual, but you still have no chance. You do not automatically have a chance with women because they like men, you have no right to feel entitled to ‘having a chance’, and it is disgusting to complain that lesbians wont give you a chance. Women owe you nothing

So this was the same anon from before who banged on about women having privilege to sleep with all of the men and how it was unfair and wah society blah blah. After seeing all the women responding and talking about how it was bullshit and how they personally have experienced otherwise he decides to ignore them and send me this pathetic self pity.

Hey jackass, maybe the reason you have no chance with women is because you say shallow sexist shit like you need to be tall, handsome and rich for a woman to value you? To imply that women are fundamentally fucking shallow and that is the problem.

Maybe the problem is that, despite all the women who commented and told you about their experiences with rejection and not being able to “get it” whenever they want you still decided to speak over them. 

You have no respect for women or their experiences and youare a self pitying wreck of a person. This is being posted in this format because I blocked you, because I’m not interested in you broadcasting your Nice Guy™ bullshit. 

You call sex “oxygen”, ignore women, stereotype them, insult them and then try some puppy dog “I’d never be good enough” crap. 

At least you were right about one thing, you’re not good enough. A woman deserves better than to be in a relationship with some guy who has no respect for her existence and her autonomy. 


Photographer Captures What Male Entitlement Feels Like to Women Who Experience It

“Boundaries” is a project by photographer Allaire Bartel that aims to capture what it feels like to be a woman in an atmosphere of male entitlement.

The Pittsburgh-based photographer tells us that the project started last year during a mentoring program that had “boundaries” as the theme. At the time, there was a lot of discussion online about what it meant to be a woman in a man’s world, and plenty of stories of violence and abuse against women.

Bartel says she wanted to create a series of photos that interpreted the conversation in her own way — photos that could express the idea that the oppression of women isn’t only found in extreme isolated incidents that make the news (things like rape or abuse), but that the effects can be “felt in lesser forms during the day to day.”

She therefore captured a series of photos showing an average, young, professional woman in routing daily situations. “The concept of male entitlement is represented by male arms and hands performing a variety of actions that are overwhelmingly intrusive on her body and her life,” Bartel says.

“In each situation she maintains a blank expression, a visual choice that demonstrates how conditioned we as women have become to accept this atmosphere as excusable and even normal. A slightly hyper-real post processing style was implemented to emphasize that these actions, whether large or small, all perpetuate the idea that ‘woman’ does not mean the same thing as ‘human.‘”

Read the rest of the piece on petapixel, where it was first published.