male breeder

Koalas are fucking horrible animals.

They have one of the smallest brain to body ratios of any mammal, additionally - their brains are smooth. A brain is folded to increase the surface area for neurons. If you present a koala with leaves plucked from a branch, laid on a flat surface, the koala will not recognize it as food. They are too thick to adapt their feeding behavior to cope with change. In a room full of potential food, they can literally starve to death. This is not the token of an animal that is winning at life. Speaking of stupidity and food, one of the likely reasons for their primitive brains is the fact that additionally to being poisonous, eucalyptus leaves (the only thing they eat) have almost no nutritional value. They can’t afford the extra energy to think, they sleep more than 80% of their fucking lives. When they are awake all they do is eat, shit and occasionally scream like fucking satan.

Because eucalyptus leaves hold such little nutritional value, koalas have to ferment the leaves in their guts for days on end. Unlike their brains, they have the largest hind gut to body ratio of any mammal.

Many herbivorous mammals have adaptations to cope with harsh plant life taking its toll on their teeth, rodents for instance have teeth that never stop growing, some animals only have teeth on their lower jaw, grinding plant matter on bony plates in the tops of their mouths, others have enlarged molars that distribute the wear and break down plant matter more efficiently…

Koalas are no exception, when their teeth erode down to nothing, they resolve the situation by starving to death, because they’re fucking terrible animals.

Being mammals, koalas raise their joeys on milk (admittedly, one of the lowest milk yields to body ratio… There’s a trend here).

When the young joey needs to transition from rich, nourishing substances like milk, to eucalyptus (a plant that seems to be making it abundantly clear that it doesn’t want to be eaten), it finds it does not have the necessary gut flora to digest the leaves. To remedy this, the young joey begins nuzzling its mother’s anus until she leaks a little diarrhea (actually fecal pap, slightly less digested), which he then proceeds to slurp on.

This partially digested plant matter gives him just what he needs to start developing his digestive system. Of course, he may not even have needed to bother nuzzling his mother. She may have been suffering from incontinence. Why?

Because koalas are riddled with chlamydia. In some areas the infection rate is 80% or higher. This statistic isn’t helped by the fact that one of the few other activities koalas will spend their precious energy on is rape.

Despite being seasonal breeders, males seem to either not know or care, and will simply overpower a female regardless of whether she is ovulating. If she fights back, he may drag them both out of the tree, which brings us full circle back to the brain:

Koalas have a higher than average quantity of cerebrospinal fluid in their brains. This is to protect their brains from injury… should they fall from a tree.

An animal so thick it has its own little built in special ed helmet. I fucking hate them.

Tldr; Koalas are stupid, leaky, STI riddled sex offenders. But, hey. They look cute.

If you ignore the terrifying snake eyes and terrifying feet.

visabeau  asked:

What is the stupidest thing you've ever heard as a veterinarian? My vet once told me that this couple came in with their lab puppy and said "we bought a male, but the breeder sold us a female." And my vet responded "no no it's a male - you can see the penis right there" and the couple goes: "but he has NIPPLES"

I have often insisted that there is only one truly stupid question.

“But how can he have nipples if he’s a boy?”

The number of people, mostly men in my experience, who genuinely believe that it is the presence of nipples that determine the sex of an animal and not, for example, very obvious genitals is astounding.

Here are some of the other very strange things I’ve been told in my career.

And some of the very foolish things people like to put into dog ears, thinking it will help somehow.

the-arachnid-king  asked:

Hello kaijutegu! I was wondering if you could help clarify something for me. I was wondering if you've heard of an account called macgyverlizard. I'm asking because I feel like I've noticed a lot of red flag animal care on their account, namely excessive rewarding for seemingly mundane/normal tegu behavior. At first, I thought their videos were cute, but something just seems increasingly off the more I watch them. I was wondering if you could provide your thoughts?

Yeah! I have MANY OPINIONS ABOUT MAC because I’ve been following him for years and basically what happened is once his owners started getting internet famous, they basically let his health go downhill in a big way. Like, in the beginning they actually had some really good educational, informative stuff! They talked about how to accommodate a tegu’s health needs and posted videos and pictures of the healthy portions of whole prey and lean meat they gave him. Now, though? 

Now he gets hand-fed grapes and eggs and high-calorie, high-carb fruits for attention- that’s the rewarding you noticed. They have no plan in place for training him or reinforcing any desired behaviors- they just stuff his face because people on instagram get all excited about it. They put him in dangerous situations- like, there’s one video where he’s at a reptile show they WEREN’T vending at (they don’t breed) and they put a baby red tegu on him. It’s a terrible idea to bring outside animals to a reptile show- some breeders bring animals they’re not planning on selling to show off gene projects, show the size of adult animals, or show the parents’ looks- but bringing in an outside pet is just asking for trouble. Also, adults will eat babies and while nothing happened in the video, it was still a dangerous, shortsighted thing to do. His owners insist that he’s healthy when anybody with eyes can see that he’s not; they talk about how the jowls are just a sign of sexual maturity and refuse to address his mobility issues and overall obesity. Like, to put it in perspective: Mac’s a Ty Park baby. Here’s an adult male breeder red from Ty Park’s collection. 

Here’s Mac:

Tegus should be plump with big jowls, but they shouldn’t have rolls.

But the thing that bothers me most: They refuse to talk to actual reptile people. They answer questions from like, randos on instagram, but any time an actual tegu owner or breeder tries to talk to them (him, really, she doesn’t do much online as far as I can tell), they’re ignored. His activity on reddit’s really telling- it’s been aaaaages since he’s posted Mac to /r/reptiles or /r/tegu, because every time Mac comes up people go “this is a terrible way to keep an animal.” Instead, he posts on subs full of people who don’t know what they’re looking at and any criticism gets downvoted to oblivion. They present a really bad picture of what tegu ownership should look like- people look at these situations and go “aww.” That happens a lot with animals on the internet- you can’t know the whole situation, after all, and what you see online is never an accurate depiction of animal ownership- but what they’re doing almost feels dishonest

The Honey Gourami

The sweet, little honey gourami is quickly becoming a new staple fish in the aquarium trade, and why wouldn’t they? The males are bright and colorful, and honey gouramis have a gentler nature than others, making them ideal for peaceful community tanks.

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Sly arrived today safe and sound! I had to laugh a little because he was peeking at me through the plastic tub he was in. He was weirdly contorted probably because FedEx handed them to me side ways! Pfft. God knows what they went through. FedEx was late because they had some kind of malfunction etc etc.

He’s less shy than his sister. He was ready to un-ball and check out this world.

Hatched: August 12, 2016
Morph: Male Pastel Specter
Breeder: Garrick DeMeyer -Royal Constrictor Designs-
Current Weight: 160

Imagine that you are a new queen of an alien race...

Imagine that you are a new queen of an alien race

And I don’t quite mean queen as you ruling over a population. Well, not yet.

Your species is very similar to Earth’s ants. Except much bigger and more durable. It was decided that you, along with your would-be mate, would start a new colony in the neighbouring vast empty land. This event was only held every hundred years and you had always secretly dreamt to be chosen ever since you were young. Now that your dream came true, you decided to be the best queen there has ever been.

Following the ritual, you were to spend the next 24 hours bedding your new husband. You were both given specially brewed fertility drinks beforehand. You eagerly downed the concoction and asked for a second helping. The elders raised their eyebrows, but after a quick discussion amongst themselves, they obliged. When your mate arrived, they quickly excused themselves out of your new throneroom for the ceremony to begin.

You lifted your swollen exhausted body into a comfortable position. Your mate filled you with enough thick seed to keep you pregnant for a while. Your first batch of eggs will be the biggest ones of your lifetime as they will be your royal servants. You hope that you will produce enough to tend to your needs with ease. Your mate nuzzled your neck and spooned you from behind, hard member pressing into your back. You were amused that he still had so much energy after so many rounds and it wouldn’t hurt to have another. Yes, you will have no problems producing enough royal servants.

You have been constantly birthing eggs for a while now. Your massive womb must be containing hundreds, if not thousands of eggs. Your belly is taut, pulsing with movement of young life and constant contractions. It is too big to move and takes up most of the space of your throne room, other than the area where your husband sleeps and enough room for your many royal servants tending to your newly birthed eggs. After those first eggs, these smaller but numerous citizen eggs were much easier to push out.

You just pushed out another and was waiting for the next contraction to start when suddenly, your servants retreated with their heads bowed, leaving the room. You were about to call them back when you saw your mate striding towards you. His body has changed as well, becoming a proper male breeder. He lifted his enormous member and pressed it into you in one thrust. You gasped as you felt it jostling the eggs that will be born next. He pounded into you and you felt it swelling further, pushing the eggs in your birth canal back into your womb so that he can inseminate you more. Your contractions started up again around him and he quickly came, splashing your insides with more virile seed that will no doubt impregnate you further.

Your belly surged out with the new hundreds of additions in the making. Your eggs impatiently started to press against his member in an uncomfortable way. He tried to pull out, but was so engorged that he was stuck. Using your contractions, you laboriously tried to push him out. His girth was now larger than your first eggs. Your squeezing muscles made him cum over and over again, which made you more pregnant and your eggs trying to force their way out. Eventually, his cum helped to lube him up enough to pull out with a ‘pop!’. A number of eggs poured out at the same time, and your servants rushed into the room to collect them. You weren’t sure how long they have been watching, but you didn’t mind. You were so aroused from all that growth and couldn’t wait for it to happen again.

To that anon who confessed about wanting to see a genderbent version of the Five Wives, well I found something he/she might like. Unless I’m wrong, these characters in order from left to right are Capable, the Dag, Cheedo, Toast, and Angharad, but as male breeders.

Here’s the link to the original post on the artist’s Tumblr in case that anon or anyone else is interested.


Picking our pet

Well, I’m not completely sure how I ended up in this situation, but I suddenly found myself in a barn, surrounded by fox cubs. No, you didn’t misread that. Fox cubs! Real, living and breathing, domestic fox cubs. And here I was, surrounded by fox cubs, with my two sons, Max and Aiden, and their friend, Micah, along with Micah’s fox, Kurama. Yes, I am totally going to blame this on Micah’s parents. What made them think introducing Kurama to my crazy kids would ever be a good idea? Oh well, it looks like our little family is going to be enriched with our own fox cub. And no it wasn’t an easy decision. I know a lot of you will probably ask yourself this question; why in the world would anyone get a domestic fox? Well, I guess only crazy people like me would get one. And the fact that Max isn’t allergic to Kurama, probably helped a bit, too (this kid is allergic to everything). But I’ve been given some pretty good advice, and since we no longer have to care for all of my grandpa’s animals, we might has well give it a go. Is it dangerous to have a fox around your kids, you might ask. Well, it’s an animal, and all animals need to be treated with respect. Trust me, even the sweetest family dog or cat can suddenly snap (I am still afraid of french bulldogs to this day after my mother’s dog attacked me as a kid). So whether you bring a dog, cat or fox into your home, you actually can’t guarantee a thing. That’s one of the reasons why you need to find a good breeder, no matter what kind of animal you’re looking for. And I really feel like we have managed to find the right one.

I have been speaking with this lovely woman for quite a while now. It’s not like I just woke up one morning and was like; oh, let’s go have a domestic fox. No, Damian and I had actually been talking about this even before Noah and Lumi were born. We first visited these cubs, without kids, when they were about 1 week old. And I didn’t get a bad feeling about it at all. The breeder seems to know exactly what she is doing, and I have only heard a lot of good things from all of the people who have ever bought a fox cub from her. So as you can probably tell from the title, I brought Max, Aiden and Micah with me to pick out our cub today. I felt pretty safe with letting them pick the one. I just knew I didn’t want a female fox, and luckily for us, all of the remaining cubs were all male. The breeder had brought the mommy fox, and the three remaining cubs to the barn, where we could spend some time with them. One of them seemed to be very nervous, so that’s why you only see two cubs in most of the photos. All of the boys seemed to like the one with a white stripe the most, so for now, it could most likely become our newest member of the family. Even Kurama didn’t seem to mind being around these small, jumping balls of fluff.

We still have to wait a few more weeks before we can bring our fox cub home. I plan on taking Emily and William to see them next week. I’m still a bit nervous, but it feels like we have made the right decision. We are very excited, too.

Zebra Longwings (Heliconius charithonia)  engaging in a behavior known as “pupal mating”. Longwings are competitive breeders and males will often wait around a female pupa guarding it from other males while waiting for her to emerge. When there are several males waiting near a pupa they will often break into the pupa and try to mate with her before she has emerged.

anonymous asked:

Imagine that you're a male breeder for an alien queen. You lay exposed as she checks your belly and feels the eggs hatching inside your womb. You can see the babies moving around inside you and prepare to give birth--to hundreds of alien babies.

Like this fantasy? Share your own!
Remember, all submissions are anonymous be default. We copy and paste your entry into a new post so your name is never shown. If you want to be credited, you must state so specifically in your submission. Otherwise your submission is anon.

Doors (Doctor Who based one-shot)- Second Place Winner In Oneshot Contest!!

(Based on this imagine. Can be continued by whomever is inspired.)

Empire Of Americo, 3016 AD

The cameras focused on the accused as the verdict was read.

“You have been found guilty of the crime of not contributing to our Empire’s society by refusing to work your assigned job as a breeder. More than that you have purposely gained over 45 kilograms putting yourself in the morbidly obese category in order to repulse your assign mates, and had an illegal hysterectomy performed. You are 40 years old and have been deemed useless. You will now choose a door to lead to your fated death.”

“No I won’t.” The bleached blonde said. Technically it wasn’t illegal to bleach one’s hair - though it likely would be after today - but dark hair was seen as the epitome of beauty. Blonde, red, or any shade other than dark brown was ugly and of course any color that could not occur in nature, such as the neon purple highlights she had added before this “trial” were seen as hideous. “The laws of the empire are stupid and wrong.” The way she said “empire” suggested the lower case e, that hint of sarcasm that showed nothing by contempt. “I was born to be a singer, not a breeder. I do not want kids and should not be forced to have them - especially with men I did not love or even find attractive.”

"Our Empire does not need singers. Entertainment is a waste of resources." 

There was five of these people - if they were people. Wearing hooded robes and stark white masks that disguised their faces and voices, no one could tell if they were really people or machines. 

"Every society needs entertainers! Singers, actors, clowns, mimes, dancers, writers - they are necessary to keep us happy!” She roared. “What happened to us? This used to be America, home of the free, land of the brave! This place we’re standing used to be Hollywood, the entertainment capital of the world! We used to be a country where anyone could be anything they wanted so long as they were willing to work for it and educate themselves. Where people weren’t killed because they were old, or gay, or believe in God, or whatever your lousy excuse is! Where’s our real heroes? Abraham Lincoln? Martin Luther King Jr? Sammy Davis Jr? Buddy Holly?!”

ENOUGH!“ One of the judges roared. "It seems besides denying your assigned job you have also illegally learned to read and have been indulging in seditious materials. I suppose next you’ll admit to reading the Bible.”

“The Torah, actually, I’m Jewish. And they’re called history books, you putz!”

There was a collective gasp, not just in the room, but all over the Empire, for no one would ever admit to a religion nor were breeders allowed to learn to read. Cursing wasn’t allowed either. All over people were riveted, some waiting for the criminal to die, others secretly thinking she was right. Somewhere, a male breeder looked at the floor where under the boards he had hidden books. Just simple ones for he was only learning to read - The Carrot Seed, The Cat In The Hat…. and perhaps there were other breeders who also had hidden books. 

"You will choose a door.” Another said.

“Okay, I choose the exit behind me.” She said with a snarky grin. 

“You may only choose a door in front of you. Or you will be shot down where you stand. The law is clear, choose your door.”

There was silence for a split second, then she spat at the floor and glared. Guns were leveled at her.

There was a sound. A strange “whoomp whoomp” noise. Something kept fading in and out, a box, blue in color, with a white light. A door with a sign. A sign that read “Police Telephone Free For Use Of Public. Advice & Assistance Obtainable Immediately. Officers & Cars Respond To All Calls. Pull To Open.”

“Okay, I choose this door.” Darting forward faster that one would expect a fat woman to do, she pulled the blue door open and ran inside.

The man inside turned to her in shock. “Who are you and what are you doing in my TARDIS?” He was a tall, thin man with grey hair and eyebrows that looked like they could jump off his face and kill.

She didn’t get a chance to answer for the door began to shake as someone pulled roughly on it. He now strolled past the woman and opened the door.

“Would you stop yanking on my door? I just had it repainted. And put that gun down.”

The guards backed off. Someone muttering about “Grey hair and wrinkles” and “how disgusting.” Another said, “At least he’s thin.”

“Send out the criminal to face execution.” One of the judges said, “And we will not kill you for invading our tribunal.”

“Criminal?” He turned back to the strange woman. “What crime did you commit?”

“I’m 40 and refused to have children, also I know how to read. So they want me dead.”

“That is the stupidest thing I ever heard of.” He said before slamming the door in the guards’ faces. Then he turned to the woman before strolling past her to the TARDIS controls. “I’m the Doctor, and you are?”

“Miriam.” The woman said. It wasn’t her government assigned name but one she chose herself. 

“Well, Miriam, welcome to my TARDIS. Mind telling me what this nonsense is all about while I get us out of here?" 

So Miriam explained. How America fell after an alien invasion. How a new leader arose, someone who claimed to be immortal, but no one was even sure they were a person or maybe a machine. The laws that declared anyone who was “a drain on natural resources” needed to be killed. This included but was not limited to those with “low IQs,” people who were not heterosexual, assexuals, the fat, the old, etc. How people were given assigned jobs as children - she had been assigned to be a breeder, to pop out a child a year after hitting puberty. Breeders were not allowed to know how to read or aspire to anything else. 

She broke all those laws. She was asexual, she didn’t want children, she was fat, she knew how to read, she believed there were things science could not explain, maybe even a God, or maybe not, but it was fun to watch the fear on peoples’ faces when she claimed she did. How she illegally learned old music and how to sing. Music being her passion. Her heroes were people like Barry Manilow and Ella Fitzgerald. 

"By the way, how is this place bigger inside than out? Does it exist in multiple dimensions at once?”

“Good guess. TARDIS stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space. So, we have all of time and space to explore. Where would you like to start?” The Doctor asked, his Scottish accent so pleasing to Miriam’s ears. 

“Hm - it’s a bit of a toss up. We could go see Billie Holiday - or we could over throw a corrupt government and usher in a new era.” Miriam said with a smile. 

“Why not both?” The Doctor said with an answering grin as he threw a switch….

Wonder Science #1 Results

Did everyone have fun this week? It seems people enjoyed this idea, so there may be more Wonder Science in the future! Between the 21 people who participated this week, we did nearly two thousand trades - and that’s not counting the XY trainers we traded with!

The answer to our question: Yes, with our trades, there was a slight but notable difference between classes - but in the end, every class disappointed. By average satisfaction rating, Schoolkid Females were the best and Beauties were the worst! But that’s not the whole story.

More info under the cut! And there’s a lot of it!

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