making amends

Getting a new follower and finding out they’re a terf is kind of like getting a new follower only to realize it’s a porn bot, but a thousand times worse.

Porn bots don’t give a fuck about my content or who I am, but this terf actually scrolled through my blog and thought, “yes, this is a person whose opinions I’d like to see more of.” It makes me feel super fucking gross and that I’m probably not doing enough to support trans women.

So just for the record: trans women are women. The existence of trans women does not detract from my womanhood or the womanhood of anybody else. This is not a blog for people who believe otherwise. Take your transphobia elsewhere.

And, to my followers: please help me stay accountable. If I reblog something that marginalizes trans people (or sex workers or POC or anyone else), please let me know so that I can make amends.

Alternatives to villainous redemption arcs:

  • Revealed that villain’s schemes secretly served the greater good, somehow

  • Villain switches teams out of expedience; protagonists overlook the fact that they’re still a huge jerk because they now benefit from it

  • Context or status quo altered so that villain’s previously harmful actions become constructive and useful with no changes on their part

  • It turns out that villain wasn’t actually responsible for the one specific thing the protagonists are trying to stop or get revenge for; everything else they clearly did do conveniently ignored

  • Villain never repents or makes amends for any of the awful stuff they did, but they’re really hot, so no one cares
Terror attacks are part of living in big city, says Sadiq Khan
Sadiq Khan has said he believes the threat of terror attacks are “part and parcel of living in a big city” and encouraged Londoners to be vigilant to combat dangers.

Originally posted by samisoffthewall

Perhaps the London mayor is correct in a gun-free society….bring that shit to Texas and see what happens.  #lonestarstate  #WeHaveGuns

Boku no Hero Academia - Chapter 187

The new chapter is out and it starts with a big surprise…. One of Shoto’s older brothers is introduced and his name is Natsuo, 19 years old and a regular college student.

We also find out that his mother’s name is Rei and that she seems to look even better then the first time that Shoto visited her. I guess it’s safe to assume that him visiting her was a good thing helping her recover since she looks so happy showing off all of the letters he send her. We also get to know that he wasn’t able to visit her much because of his supplementary classes but she still looks very proud and happy

Seeing that we’re introduced to more members of the Todoroki family and that this arc started off with the hero rankings, Endeavour’s investigation with Hawkes and the more intelligent Nomus I think it’s safe to say that this arc will mostly feature Endeavour and his start to making amends with his family, and wife in general. Maybe we’ll get some more details about the Todoroki family dynamics and even some information about the last brother and the theory if it really is Dabi…

Remember when I wrote a post about not believing that Todoroki Enji is a vile person through and through but only misleaded? I still believe that and this chapter strengtens me in my thinking because not only Shoto tries to let his past behind him and move towards a better future for him and tries to repair his broken family but Endeavour as well…

Because apparently he too pays a visit to the hospital where his wife is currently at and he even tries to apologize to her or at least try to work on their relationship which we can see by him coming by to drop of some flowers he knows she likes and only told him once about. Considering that Fuyumi is the oldest sibling for now and that Enji and Rei were married at least a year before she got pregnant with Fuyumi it’s a miracle that he still remembers her favourite flower which she told him around 23 something years ago and if that doesn’t show that he cares in his own way for them and tries to be a better husband,father and what not then I don’t know..

Horikoshi makes it clear that he still has a long way to go and that we wont be able to see it happening in this arc due to the fact that Rei herself mentioned that she’s still too afraid to meet him face to face but she leaves room open for that maybe happening in the future since she doesn’t say that she wont ever want to see him but rather implying that at the moment she’s not ready but someday she maybe will.

I think this is what makes this whole chapter so beautiul, it gives hope for a brighter future… ❤

What was your memorable moment in this week’s chapter?


Let’s talk about the concept of a non-apology.

Most of us have heard a non-apology in our lives. The key features of a *true* apology include:

-An admission of wrongdoing.

That is, a specific acknowledgment that you fucked up, in a way that lets the other person know that you understand how you fucked up.

-A lack of excuses/defensive behavior/pity partying.

The person can’t say “sorry” and then defend themselves. Doing this implies they still agree with their prior actions. If this is true, then the “sorry” is an attempt to APPEASE. It isn’t REGRET. Such an apology means nothing. Without regret, the person can and probably will continue the behavior. The phrases or sentiments “I’m sorry, BUT…” or “I’m sorry you feel” is common.

-A retraction and details on future behavior.

Talking about regret again, here. They offer a concrete attempt to amend thier actions, mostly because they recognize that they were wrong. If they were misunderstood, they attempt to FIX this misunderstanding in a way that lets the other person know they regret the original interpretation. And give specifics on how they will avoid this behavior in the future.

Now let’s hear a few quotes from Logan Paul’s apology.

“This is a first for me.”

“I’ve never made a mistake like this before….I’m still a human being. I can be wrong.”

“That’s never the intention.”

“I was misguided…I still am.”

“I do this shit every day…one may understand it’s easy to get caught up”

“…for the first time in my life I’m regretful to say I handled that power incorrectly. It won’t happen again.”

Did you hear him relating understanding as to how he messed up? I didn’t.

Did you hear an acknowledgement that he even messed up, apart from a “monsoon of negativity” (translation: bad PR)? I didn’t.

Did you hear him express regret or acknowledgement of the incorrect content of the video? I heard him defending his side.

Did you hear him make excuses saying he’s uploaded a 15 minute video a day for a little over a year and that’s how he lost perspective? Because I did. I know multiple YTers who’ve uploaded several times a day for many years - and what Logan did would never even cross their minds. Shout-out to morals.

Did you hear him expressly say that he will amend his behavior at all in the future? Because I didn’t. I heard “I won’t handle my Very Great Power incorrectly again.” Which means shit-all.

Did you even hear an attempt to amend the behavior he’s apologizing for? I didn’t.

But did you catch the attempt to keep all his subscribers with a community hashtag that guilts his young followers to keep him anyway? #StaywithmenomatterwhatshitIpullbecauseotherwiseyourenotarealfan?

Because I did!

Logan Paul doesn’t acknowledge what he did wrong or try to make amends in this “apology” because Logan Paul doesn’t think he did a single thing wrong, and therefore doesn’t think he should have to do anything to “fix” it. He wouldn’t have even given it a second thought if not for the backlash. He doesn’t intend to change his behavior.

This is a statement to attempt to cover his ass with Youtube advertising and his subs. If the story gets to main media, it might get to the parents of his subs or to the companies indirectly paying his salary.

Btw, if these guidelines to a non-apology sound familiar to you, it’s because non-apology is used by a LOT of manipulative people, including but not limited to abusers. Please do not be friends with someone who regularly gives out non-apologies.

💫 The Main Signs of a Spiritual Awakening 💫

The majority of people are not fully aware of how truly difficult and confusing a spiritual awakening can be. It is not beautiful in the beginning.. As with all transformations, the first steps deal with endings and destruction. We are constantly lead to experience challenges, changes, and forces of nature that completely strip apart our attachments to the material world without even realizing it is happening. Every time our ego fights back, we are met with karmic patterns of the lesson the universe, or higher power, is attempting to teach us. It is important to remember that we are souls inhabiting human bodies. 

Our energy is ever lasting but this material world we know is not promised a forever. We are constantly working towards spiritual growth and evolution. A spiritual awakening occurs when you realize there is more to life than earthly desires. There is more to us than our attachments, our ego, and our material possessions. Once you realize this, things begin to change, as you will perceive the world in an entirely different way than you did before. At first, you will feel overwhelmed and confused. A lot of people remain in the beginning phases of a spiritual awakening out of fear. Listed below are the major signs you are experiencing an awakening of the soul. The first sign listed is typically the first experience you will have but everything else will not necessarily come to you in any particular order.

1. Karmic Patterns, Meaningful Coincidences, Number Sequences, Repetitive Dreams, Symbols or Signs ✨

The very first thing a person experiences is some form of cosmic pattern or sequence. You will “feel” as though you are being targeted for some sort of message. Whatever repetitive situation you are experiencing serves as your main lesson at the time and you must pay attention to what is happening to you while you witness the signs. This can come in the form of similar toxic relationships or engaging with the same negative people one after another, seeing the same numbers on a clock or other object often (1:11, 1:23, etc), having the same dream frequently, seeing animals, objects, or hearing the same phrases or words over and over again.

2. Realization of the Ego, Acknowledging Mistakes, Confronting Your Personal Demons, Toxic Habits, and Wrongdoings ✨

This is likely one of the most challenging phases to overcome - the ego itself. Often, when we know we have done something wrong, we will strive to ignore it or refuse to take accountability altogether. When going through an awakening, you will feel the urge to fix your mistakes and grant closure to those you have harmed in any way. You will feel genuine remorse for your wrongdoings and look to confront the people you have hurt in order to provide them with closure and to provide yourself with growth. You will feel called to apologize, make amends, and move along. Doing this will allow you to let go of the burdens and toxic habits holding you down. Whether or not these people choose to forgive you is up to them and them alone, but it is the fact that you owned up to your toxicity that matters. This is you letting go of your ego and allowing your spirit to take over you. Your “true” self is taking form now.

3. New Perspective, Epiphanies, Altered Outlook ✨

As you begin to see the world, and yourself, in a different light, everything becomes brand new to you. Everything will seem much more vivid, lively, and detailed. You will find yourself paying attention to things you never would have given a second glance before your awakening. You will find interests in new topics, projects, people, and places you never thought to engage in. Those around you will be shocked at your change in character - with some people encouraging and congratulating your transition, while others will be envious and spiteful of you. Let the behavior of others serve as a message to you about who they are.

4. Relationship Changes, Disconnection With Society, Endings ✨

One of the very first experiences you will through in a spiritual awakening is the realization that the personified ego projected from each individual is not a true reflection of who they are.. Once you realize this for yourself, you will begin to see the toxicity and the attachments other people possess - influencing you to disconnect from them if you feel they do not carry the same vibration as you. How they react to your distance and your separation from them shows you who they truly are inside and you will often find that your assumptions about them were correct. You will realize just how wrong certain people were for you and what lessons they were called to teach you through their behaviors. This is your intuition and your soul opening up and expanding. Your soul is no longer being weighed down by human egotism - instead it is moving along.

5. Enhanced Intuition, Empathy, and Compassion ✨

Your dreams will begin to present you with predictions and future happenings. Your heart and mind will start to tell you about certain people, places, and situations as though your heart and mind know things before they should. You will be able to “feel” or sense the emotions of others before you even see them or speak a word to them. You will feel much more connected to nature, to earth, and to humanity. Its need for healing and light becomes your focus. There is no longer a separation between you and others, as your ego is now fading or completely gone - you will feel as though you are one with every living thing. 

6. Decreased / Lacking Fear of Death ✨

As you go through the transition of your awakening, you will not see death as the end for you. You will have come to realize that death is just the beginning, as energy can neither be created nor destroyed. You know your soul will stand the tests of Father Time and cycle through the universe again and again in different forms. You will realize that everyone you have lost is not truly gone - they are with you forever and you are forever with them.. floating through this universe and its energies for eternity. 

7. Increased Self-Care, Routines, and Lifestyle Changes, Appreciation for the Physical Body ✨

Though your attachment to your human form will decrease, you know it is still important to take care of the body you are holding. You will go through diet changes, improved skin care and health care routines, and you will appreciate and cherish the body you inhabit for all that it is. The flaws you once saw will rarely hold importance to you now. You know that what truly matters is what is on the inside and that anyone who truly cares for you will not pay attention to your physical appearance. You will be grateful to experience a new perception of life.

8. Positive Relationship with Self and Others ✨

As you grow and prosper, you will engage with like-minded individuals  who serve to continue expanding and evolving with you instead of working against you. This does not mean you will be completely free from toxic people; being empathetic and spiritually involved, you will constantly attract individuals who want to suck out your energy and light. The positive relationships in your life will help protect you from negative people and keep you from straying away from your spiritual journey.

9. Tests, Challenges, Delays ✨

To ensure you are on the correct path, the universe, or the higher power, will constantly produce tests for you to ace. These tests can come in the form of ex friends or lovers resurfacing, sudden disappointments or setbacks, as well as losses, separations, or mental / emotional attacks that challenge your body and soul. As you overcome these issues, you will grow stronger, wiser, and more resilient to the negativity and evil of the world.

10. Creativity, Attraction to Art, Metaphysics, and Ancient Practices 

You will feel inclined to express the energies, emotions, and lessons you are receiving through creative outlets such as drawing, painting, writing, crafting, singing, dancing, etc. Creativity is one of the most unique and expressive ways to share your voice and your passions with the world, after all. You will also feel drawn to the energies that earth has to offer - through its plants, flowers, crystals, fossils, celestial bodies, and elements. This may lead you to indulge in divination tools, astrology, meditation, and spiritual healing through metaphysical means. These methods are only useful to your spiritual body - be sure to continue relying on the proper medicine and healing needed for your physical body, as well.

Sometimes you’re the toxic one. Sometimes you try so hard to be a good person and treat others well, but you still don’t treat someone in your life fairly. When that happens, it’s so important to acknowledge it, and act accordingly, whether that means allowing the relationship to end, or making amends. Own up to your mistakes and actions, and be better in the future. You aren’t a bad person.
—  Miriam Kamens, weekly affirmations 10/?

There’s a thought I’ve been having about representation in Harry Potter recently, and the thought is this - overwhelmingly, all I’ve been feeling lately towards JK Rowling is disappointment.

When I first read Harry Potter I was a six year old white kid who didn’t really have any conception of anything around representation. I was a big reader as a kid (still am tbh) and as I grew a little older I was reading all kinds of kid genre fiction. Animorphs, A Series of Unfortunate Events, and Percy Jackson were the main ones though (at least, the main ones I’m sure people here will have heard of!)

I was a teenager when I started learning about the importance of representation (and learning that I was neither straight nor cis), so I didn’t give a lot of thought back to these books I loved as a child, not even Harry Potter. But in more recent years, I have been, and I made an observation.

It is not that hard to fix your past mistakes. Or, at least, to try and make amends.

None of the series I read when I was a kid were brilliant at representation. But I’ve been reading about Rick Riordan (creator of Percy Jackson) and how his later books have had non-straight characters, and even a trans character who uses they/them pronouns! And it got me thinking. Percy Jackson had a few kids of colour back when I was reading it, and most of the cast had ADHD. Animorphs has more diversity in terms of ethnicity - two out of the five human main characters aren’t white. Everyone is Jewish in A Series of Unfortunate Events, and the recent Netflix series (which had significant input from the author) cast people of colour for some of the main characters.

Like, none of these series is perfect, but they show willing to improve on their older material, the stuff I was reading as a kid. Rick Riordan in particular I think has specifically apologised for having less representation in his earlier works and is including more in his later characters. It’s not perfect, but they’re trying. We can tell that the effort is being made, at least.

And Rowling is defending Johnny Depp’s casting and muting people on twitter who dare criticise her for still not confirming that Dumbledore is gay in any canon media.

And I’m just so tired.


New York Times is tracking everyone that has been accused of sexual misconduct that is facing consequences and fallout since the allegations against Harvey Weinstein broken on October 5th. 

There are 34 names on their list right now. There are many many more who have been accused, and who have resigned, but this is the high profile ones.  

You might notice some similarities between the members of the list: there are some clear trends. For instance, every one of them is a white male. 

Then there are the differences, usually in the response. Some are apologizing and immediately looking for ways to make amends, others are vehemently denying the accusations to the point of insulting their accusers. 

This list is going to get longer as more people find the courage to come forwards. As long as the country continues to listen to those that step up to speak, and as long as society continues to trust them, this list will keep getting longer. 

And that’s a wonderful thing. 

((This is for the anon who sent me a drabble request.  My inbox ate your prompt, but you didn’t ask for anything specific, just that I write something for you.  You told me that my writing helped you on a bad day, even though you were having trouble.  I feel terrible that tumblr ate your ask and that I have had it sitting in my inbox for weeks, but I promise…I never forgot, and this is for you. ily))

Draco paced the room trying his best to ignore the shaking of his hands.  This should be easy.  He’s had dozens of conversations with Harry since the beginning of their eighth year, but this one will most certainly be different. Draco glanced at the door leading from the common room to the boys’ dormitory for the hundredth time.  Maybe he fell asleep?  Maybe he just isn’t coming?  or he forgot that he said we could talk. or…I don’t know.

Draco forced himself to have a seat near the fireplace.  A quick Tempus charm told him it was four minutes past midnight.  It was only four minutes, but Draco felt all two-hundred and forty seconds of it.  When Harry rounded the sofa to take a seat next to Draco, his heart nearly flew from his chest.

Keep reading


“kill me before i become one of those cannibal monsters! kill me! i trusted you with the note! no one else. now do it!” thomas tried to pull his hand away, but newt was too strong. “i can’t, newt, i can’t.” “make amends! repent for what you did!” the words tore out of him, his whole body trembling. then his voice dropped to an urgent, harsh whisper. “kill me, you shuck coward. prove you can do the right thing. put me out of my misery.” the words horrified thomas. “newt, maybe we can—” “shut up! just shut up! i trusted you! now do it!” “i can’t.” “do it!” “i can’t!” how could newt ask him to do something like this? how could he possibly kill one of his b e s t friends? “kill me or I’ll kill you. kill me! do it!” “newt…” “do it before i become one of them!” “i…” “KILL ME!” and then newt’s eyes cleared, as if he’d gained one last trembling gasp of sanity, and his voice softened. “please, tommy. please.” with his heart falling into a black abyss, thomas pulled the trigger.

I think my favorite thing about the Elucien vs Elriel debate is how difficult it is. Unlike some other ships, neither male is “bad” in any way, and either would respect Elain’s choice without holding it against even the male she chooses.

June 2018 Horoscopes

GEMINI: One of the best things about you is your desire to make amends with those that you’ve hurt in the past. For a long time you allowed your mistakes to suffocate you, ignoring the steps it would take to fix what was broken, but that wasn’t who you were or who you wanted to be. You need to stop thinking of yourself as a person that is reckless and dangerous. Nearly everybody has given you permission to move forward, except for you. It’s time to forgive yourself. You need to forgive yourself.

CANCER: Despite the emotions that you tend to wear so clearly on your sleeves, you’ve never been one for confrontation. You’d prefer to let discomfort sit dormant inside of you rather than initiate a conversation you cannot completely control. It always comes back to this, doesn’t it? Your desire to keep everything manageable. Life is not always going to be a script and you’re not always going to play the actor. I want you to know that the sooner you become comfortable with the uncertain, the happier you’ll be.

LEO: While you’d deny it in a heartbeat, contradictions make up the bulk of your personality. One day you’ll desire something, and the next you’ll claim that it’s a waste of time. Life is a seesaw and you constantly wander on autopilot from one side to the other. Why are you so scared of committing to a singular version of yourself? Why is it that you try so hard to hide your want until nobody is watching it? Why do you continue to make it impossible for others to know you in the way you so desperately wish they would?

VIRGO: You have always known love as something tactile, an emotion that can  somehow be measured or quantified by physical acts of service. Even if you haven’t consciously acknowledged it, this has been a driving factor in multiple areas of your life. With that feeling, however, often comes a sense of pressure to succeed no matter the cost to your physical or mental health. Spend some time thinking about the role you choose to play daily. You do not have to constantly be useful in order to be worth loving.  

LIBRA: It’s a terrible cliche, but, if you never try you’ll never know. You have so many big dreams, so much enthusiasm for life, but you cut yourself off at the source by refusing to take the necessary jump. It’s okay to be scared of what’s next, but sometimes you have to face your fears regardless. Bravery is not something that finds you on its own: it needs to first see that you’re trying, and that your heart’s in the right place. Remember, the worst that could happen is extremely unlikely and even if it wasn’t, you’d be able to survive it.

SCORPIO: Hard work and dedication isn’t always quick to deliver a fulfilling reward at its end – sometimes it needs extra time in order to make magic happen. Just because things aren’t going the way you’d hoped they would, that doesn’t mean you chose the wrong path or that you’ve wasted valuable time. Pursuing your passions should never be something that you view as a mistake. Don’t let self-doubt convince you of otherwise. The only person holding you against a stopwatch is yourself.

SAGITTARIUS: Even though you try your best not to flaunt it, you’re the type of person that thrives on attention. This isn’t inherently bad: everyone needs some form of extra regard in order to feel comfortable, and validated in their humanness. Lately, however, your mirror has taken complete control of your line of vision. When’s the last time you asked someone how they were and really listened to their answer? Don’t deny others what you’re so desperately hoping to receive. Be patient. It’ll get easier.

CAPRICORN: Sometimes you become so focused on building up the walls around your heart that you don’t realize who you’re leaving on the outside. There are people in your life that care about you very much and I know that sometimes your anxiety tells you this is a lie, but it isn’t. In times of strife don’t willfully ignore or blind yourself to positivity. Yes, things are difficult, but you don’t have to go through it alone. There is a support system waiting for you if you’re willing to let it function.

AQUARIUS: You often ignore your instincts in the pursuit of being perfect, because when it comes to your life you’d rather play it safe than risk it all. Believe in your strength. If something seems wrong or “off” ask yourself what’s causing you to feel this way, instead of brushing it to the side and proceeding with your guarded and predetermined course of action. Listening to your emotions and hunches does not make you weak: it gives you yet another edge to wow them with.

PISCES: In the moments where you find yourself the most stressed out it’s often because there’s a lack of clarity and you don’t know how to cope with it. You like to define your life in terms of its details, how closely it follows your idealized schedule for the future. Try to turn your attention to the minute into something more constructive. Take more notice of your day to day actions. Focus on the inconsistencies that make life beautiful rather than hazy.

ARIES: The standards that you hold yourself to are so much higher than they need to be, and the reason behind that is one you’ve never really considered. Does it, perhaps, have something to do with all of the people that told you you’d never make it this far? Who is all of this sweat really for? Please keep in mind that you don’t need to prove yourself to anybody. If you’re comfortable with your accomplishments, then there’s no reason for you to worry about whether they’re important enough. They are. They are.

TAURUS: You feel secure in the image you’ve constructed for yourself: the person with the tough exterior, the shoulder to cry on, the one that leaves before anybody can get hurt. But you don’t have to be just one thing. You’re allowed to crack under pressure, shout about how loudly your chest echoes in the night, stay longer than you should. It’s impossible to make better mistakes if you don’t give yourself the opportunity to make them. You are not used up. You are endlessly remaking yourself in your own vision.

i only listened to the mountain goats

or, i am terrified of what comes next & am only trying to do what’s right

this is not a call out for john darnielle. this is not trying to smear his name through the mud. this is about the fears i have that he can’t assuage me on, and how i don’t know how to deal with it.

i’m really not happy i’m doing this on tumblr. however, it takes being on the inside to really comprehend how unsettling everything is, and tumblr probably has the greatest concentration of mountain goats fans (at least, the new generation – which is the one most relevant here) out of any social media.

the night we met (09/20/2016), i asked him if it was okay that i took photos during the set even though he’s stated he doesn’t like it. he gave a long spiel about being “long in the tooth” and recognizing that it comes with the line of work. after the hour long conversation that followed, i asked him to take a picture with me. he said, “oh c'mon zeke, we’re friends, you know i fucking HATE pictures of myself.”

this is the difference between John Darnielle and john.

John Darnielle dropped out of the conversation as soon as he decided he liked me, and that’s where john stepped in. john, who would refer to me as a friend (after this, often starting his more pleading messages using it as a term of endearment) despite us only meeting an hour before. john, who would pull me into several embraces that night, who told me how amazing i was and how beautiful my energy was and how i was going to help so many people.

sounds weird, right? i asked him about it this year. 

(you will see various mentions of talking to him ‘earlier this year’ or ‘at this lunch’ or ‘our last meeting’ throughout this post – it’s all the same lunch.)

he said he didn’t remember. at a prior meeting to this, he said he was wasted on tequila that night. but when he originally messaged me after we met (10/10/16 if i’m not wrong):

at this lunch, i told him that it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t remember, it doesn’t matter if he was drunk: you were holding an arm around my waist telling me not to tell other fans that you were giving me this experience, that they’d all want to talk to you like i’ve been able to, but i’m special, i’m special to you.

he’s put up no resistance to my demands for him to make amends. because of this, i am personally okay with him. but there’s something unnerving about how calm and ready he was, and that’s what frightens me enough to feel an obligation to address this:

john darnielle manipulated the hell out of me and i’m worried that he learned nothing. i’m worried he’s done this before & will do it again. i’m worried there are other people out there who have been hurt. i’m worried that no one feels like they can speak out. how can you speak out against someone whose fanbase is more like a church? how can you speak about someone revered by all the creators you love?

john has a tendency to befriend his fans: his much younger, very queer, very traumatized fans. john is over 50, y'all. i was 21 when we met.

i’m not inclined to share many of my receipts about this, considering that i take both my privacy and his very seriously. i’m not looking to expose everything he told me. but i will share these messages from literally the second time he ever contacted me, 11/9/16 (the day after the election):

the “joke” i’ve made about the following is “you are so considerate and rad, thanks for trying to prevent me from being creepy”:

and the next day,

of course i would give him exactly the validation he wanted. i was a devout follower. how could he lean on me too hard when it was a privilege just to know him? when he had chosen me to cry to?

(interjection: at the lunch, i asked him why he had come to me if he was so upset – why not his wife? he sidestepped the hell out of that question and said, “i just felt a connection with you.” and i said, “i know. you called it godsent.”)

i think it’s very clear that the tone of these messages is not appropriate considering that we’d only met once, and to go a step further, i think it could be said that these messages have a more similar tone to someone who has a crush. if you (the reader) looked at this and saw nothing wrong with it, then you need to work on your fucking boundaries.

now, if you’re a mountain goats fan who looked at this and thought “dear god, i want that, i wish he’d talk to me like that” – first: no, you don’t. second, i understand. of course i do. i was one of y'all. 

basic rule: if any 50 year old man is showing an intense interest in you off the bat, it’s not good. even if it’s the mountain goats dude. even if he never addresses any concept of being attracted to you. even if he believes that so long as he hides any shameful feelings, everything will be safe.

the issue with that train of thought is much like the idea that art and artist cannot be fully separated because the artist reflects themself in the art: every action is influenced by his feelings, even if he denies it so hard that he can make himself believe it’s not true. if his goal was to actually be friends with me, this was not the approach. this was the approach of someone desperate for intimacy, reaching out for whatever might reach back. this was the approach of someone viewing me as a fantasy, not a person.

it’s very easy to get your fans to reach back: they love you without knowing you.

the months following this were mostly composed of me attempting to be a friend while constantly thinking i was doing something wrong, and john generally not responding unless he was having a vulnerable moment. finally, i allowed myself to realize that he was using me.

it’s a very hard thing to admit to yourself that an artist you revered has personally hurt you. to the people who say, “duh, that’s why i don’t worship people”: fuck you, you don’t get it. you don’t get that worship is built out of trauma and fear and a need for something to stay alive. you don’t get that the mountain goats fanbase is built out of trauma and fear and a need to stay alive. you don’t get that john’s image is based around being a guide of trauma, a survivor, a father figure, a professor.

(when we spoke earlier this year, he called himself a teacher. i told him that no, he was more like a preacher. this is a real, rhyming incident that happened in a very serious context).

also, you probably still worship him in some way – or revere him. about half the people i’ve told about this mention that they don’t give a shit about him, but this one time they saw him and they were like “oh shit it’s john darnielle,” but they don’t actually care, not like that, it’s just that he’s a big deal, y'know? i’m fucking tired of having to listen to the caveat of “he’s a cool guy” after the unenthusiastic “that’s fucked up, i’m sorry.”

despite receiving a lot of support and validation in the two years since, it’s still hard for me to grasp the severity of how he treated me. a huge block to that is an inability to talk with any tmg fans about this. people from the outside, they get it’s objectively bad, but they don’t realize the exact power dynamic about this. people from the inside, well – they’ve all shut me up when i’ve tried to say anything that goes against their concept of him. the image of himself that he’s been developing and holding for a quarter of a century.

something entirely awful was how the friends i told as it happened, also fans, continually told me how amazing it was that john was treating me like this, they all wanted me to get as close as possible, they all wanted to live vicariously through me. i had to cut them all out.

recently, i was able to reconnect with someone who has experienced the same level of devotion to the mountain goats as i did (i.e. the ‘cried in front of john’ level). i am immensely grateful to them and their willingness to listen, along with their immediate damnation of his behavior. 

speaking with them made me realize that while his actions were already objectively bad, the specific culture of the mountain goats following and the extreme worship of john himself makes the dynamic created far more insidious. he is worshipped. i am on the other side. i look back and feel like the mountain goats are an actual cult.

there is an image that – at our last deliberate meeting – i told him exists, and told him i wouldn’t show it to him because i know he hates pictures of himself as john darnielle. he thanked me for that. i described it to him. i will show it here, with his face blacked out.

our music is so often our scripture without even realizing. the concerts for the bands we love, a sermon. john, a prophet for the traumatized and the damned. followers who drive from different states just to see him perform as much as possible, who stand in the front and feed off the adrenaline of being within spitting distance of the father figure who speaks of life and how to survive it.

for john to connect with fans (who are generally almost 30 years younger than him) in the way that he does is insanely irresponsible – almost to where it feels impossible that he’s not conscious of what he’s doing.

i just don’t understand why everyone has this exception on john. i don’t know why i did either. like, a 50 year old tweets and interacts like someone in their early 20s and that doesn’t wave a flag? a white dude with a guitar singing about trauma and and violence and toxic relationships for 25 years turns out to be an asshole, and y'all are surprised?

i know why i did, and it’s been one of the hardest things to reconcile. in the aftermath of everything, i feel like a creepy fan. my level of devotion to this band was ridiculous. aside from his lo-fi shit, which i don’t give a fuck about (blasphemy!), i had every song memorized. i read every interview i could. i could only truly socialize with other mountain goats fans and we would spend the entire time dissecting his work, linking everything together, talking about how amazing he was. this is the cult i am talking about. i only realize how fucked my behavior was now that i’m on the other side. i mean, it makes sense. how many traumatized ex-christians are mountain goats fans?

talking to the person i have, i’ve realized: this is behavior that is not only condoned, but encouraged by the mountain goats fanbase. to be a true fan is to consume as much as possible. find his quotes and repeat them to survive. meet him and get as close to god as you’ll ever be.

the question becomes: does john want this? in the idea where he’s human, the answer is no, but that he can’t fully realize how deep it goes because the gravity is terrifying, the result of which is that he keeps perpetuating the dynamic which is then perpetuated by the fanbase which then circles back to him, becoming an ouroboros that can only end when the mountain goats does. in the idea where he is as evil as he has the capacity to be, the answer is yes, and he strategically grooms his following to become more devout. (the new “cult recruitment card” merchandise is incredibly unsettling to me.)

i was once told that john technically married a fan who, when they met, was somewhere around 19 while he was nearly 30 and they started talking explicitly because she was a fan of his music. i was told this very happily by another young queer person in contact with him – who, like me, like any young (presumably queer tbh) fan – thought that being “friends” with john while simultaneously gushing to everyone you know, was a normal and healthy relationship.

i’m not sure if john’s actually aware that every fan he’s ever sent a DM has likely freaked out about it/continues to freak about it every time he messages them. even if they’re “friends,” those friends all still worship him. this is a side effect of fame.

who do you become when you’ve been lauded as a genius and given unquestioning praise for a quarter of a century? how do you hold a friendship that doesn’t involve a degree of being admired? how do you hold a friendship with anyone who tells you what you’re doing wrong, especially when there’s so many smiling people just waiting to meet you, so many people begging to know you, so many people you can have limited interactions with about the one specific thing you desire at the time, so many people you can ghost and have no obligation to?

i lived the dream of more fans than you’d think: john darnielle was my friend, and he was vulnerable with me, and i could comfort him. laid out like this, of course, it clearly sounds weird as hell.

i yelled at him as best as one can over twitter DM. it was a brutal, calculated message that bordered on essay and had been reviewed to make sure there were no loopholes, no way he could ignore it. i wish i could say i made a clean cut after that – it would make everything so much easier. but no. it was more like leaving a church than leaving him behind. i went to a concert. i went to a reading. i talked to him. i stayed hurt. i felt shame. if he hurt me, why am i still engaging with him? does this mean i made it all up?

i didn’t, clearly. and he agrees. cut to earlier this year when the junot diaz shit happened, and:

the message boils down to this: please fucking talk with me because you’re the only person who knows anything about the mountain goats who can even begin to acknowledge your faults. my bar is that low.

(before the next part, i’ll interject: notice the tone difference from “lol are you in town yet?”)

he offered to set a lunch without hesitation. this is where i make it clear that i still care about him and i truly want to believe that he’s trying to be good. i just don’t think he’ll figure it out before he hurts someone again. and i don’t think anyone else has had an experience like i’ve had, because i don’t think most people would ever blame john if something went wrong. they would blame themselves. and i certainly don’t think that someone has grabbed him by the metaphorical roots of his hair and dragged him across the floor.

he readily apologized, again. he rarely interrupted and when he did, he shut up every time i told him to. he did not argue. he came off as woefully oblivious to his power, reiterated how immensely grateful he was that i confronted him because it made him think about stuff that he hadn’t before and that was entirely necessary to think about. i looked him dead in the eyes and told him i can see the monster, i can see how capable he is of violence, of abuse, that he needs to do better, that he will hurt again if he doesn’t actively work against it. he did not argue. 

(and then, because it was relevant, he asked me my pronouns. i said, “you little shit, i told you my pronouns when i met you and you went off on a whole spiel about how i shouldn’t label myself.” he stuttered for a second, then said, “you’re right, you’re absolutely right.” i thanked him because there was something irrationally satisfying about john telling me i was right, about anything.)

he was so composed and ready to give me everything i wanted to hear that it’s almost eerie. he told me i shouldn’t feel unsafe to cry and, in a moment between two crazy people wearing sane masks, i said “pause” and lifted my hand and looked to the side and took 10 seconds to drop mine, going from absolutely fine to completely sobbing. he just looked at me silently. i was crying too hard to see how he was looking at me. and then i slipped the mask back on. the only time it felt like his mask fell off was the pronoun thing. it created a paranoia: is he only trying to keep me hushed? is he deliberately choosing to be a monster? does it matter?

the ways in which he harmed me are indicative of larger behavioral problems – his coping skills (or lack thereof), the desperation for validation and comfort, and finally the inevitable shame over losing control of himself, causing him to associate whoever aids him with the episode itself with shame. desperation seems to be a theme developed by fame, as well: he latches onto fans with comparable knowledge on any of his interests, or he latches onto whatever he thinks he needs. i don’t know if this is behavior done out of ignorance or if he is entirely self-aware of how he chooses to use people. while i fear the second much more than the first, both can hurt on an equal level.

he has worked for my forgiveness – i would say he’s gone out of his way to do so (though i have demanded every time) – but i suppose what i mean by that is that if he was only appeasing me in fear of fall out, he was doing it on a level where he’d have to be completely aware of his choices to manipulate. i.e., he knows he uses his fans to fill his needs, he knows he can use them for a short amount of time, that he can ask for what he wants and get it without hesitation, that he can leave them behind and nothing will hurt him.

again, i really want to believe that none of this is true. but my care for him is trumped by my fear that fans will be hurt again, or that there are people who had already been hurt and, like me, assume there’s absolutely no possible way to talk about it without drawing the ire of the entire mountain goats fan base (which, of course, extends to plenty of other artists). and regardless of all my theorizing, even if his intentions are good, if he is hurting people, then i want them to know that they’re not alone – and that he does seem to try, if you confront him.

mostly, i want you to know that if you’ve ever had an interaction with john that made you feel uncomfortable but you wound up placing guilt on yourself instead: it’s not you. it wasn’t you misconstruing things.

i don’t call myself a fan anymore because i would sacrifice the mountain goats in a second if it meant he could be healthier. he’s more important to me than the music now, and there’s so much loss in that. he once told me he never wants to meet joni mitchell because of exactly that: once you know them, you can’t take solace in their work. i lost my music, i lost my ability to believe, i lost my sense of community, i had to rebuild myself. no conversation he can give you will ever be as powerful as your experience as a fan.

i know that by putting this out here, there is no real way to ask for this to not blow up. i’m terrified. i don’t want to be the center of discussion around the credibility of john darnielle. i don’t want whatever’s coming. but i feel like i have to do this.

so what can y'all do? well, don’t message me. i really don’t want to be answering a million questions asking for more elaboration and proof on him manipulating me. if you want to offer support, maybe do so in the replies. if you know someone in contact with john, talk to them about this. maybe try to do it by actually talking to them instead of reblogging this. battle the people who will tell me i’m wrong – i don’t owe them shit, i know what i experienced and i won’t be shaken on it. and most importantly: lower your worship. john is a deeply flawed human being, as we all are, which means he has just as much capacity to hurt. and he does hurt. his music doesn’t reflect his everyday actions, actually. his music doesn’t reflect him as a day-to-day person. it only reflects the more thematic, most refined parts of himself.

if you are a mountain goats fan with a concerning experience and you want to talk to me, absolutely. message me or inbox or whatever form of tumblr communication i wind up leaving open. just preface whatever you’re saying with a few words to let me know it’s about something bad – i’ll most likely be ignoring many messages.

i imagine that this will inevitably make its way back to john, so i’ll address this last part to him:

john, i’m sorry for not telling you i’m doing this. i can’t let myself be sorry for doing it. i still consider you a friend in the way we discussed – as two people who know each other too well to be acquaintances, and care for each other, but will keep the friendship in the past for their both their sakes. you know my loyalty runs deep, but i have to protect the people i used to be. i can’t let myself be bitter towards those who worship you when i know all too well how it feels to be there. shaped by trauma, desperate for fulfillment, for peace, to be close to the one who understands you better than anyone else because there actually isn’t anyone else, not then.

i’m really reluctant to believe you’re a self-aware psychopath, but i do think you’ll hurt someone again before you learn. they give and give and give and there is no possible way anyone could handle that without taking. i am at peace with you. i am at peace with you. i am not at peace with staying quiet when i know that i am likely the only one who feels comfortable to say anything. i am not at peace wondering if there are fans who cry over exactly this, who feel entirely isolated and like they will have to bear this alone and to the grave.

we can talk about me if you want to, but not here. this is about you, your fans, and doing right by them.

i really hope that if you’re everything you told me you want to be, you’ll be careful in response – not just to me, but careful to allow time and space for people to come forward if they exist. i would really love to believe that no one will. belief doesn’t protect people, though.

if you want to talk, you know how to reach me.

EDIT 9/5/2018: check my ‘john darnielle’ tag for updated versions of this post that include others’ experiences with john

;snack thief (m)

Originally posted by ariescults

pairing— jeon jungkook x reader
genre/warnings— smut; oral (female receiving), some type of dry humping? (I googled and it seems to he called intercrural sex? basically jungkook fucks between ur thighs lmao), established relationship, fluffy and domesticated 🤧
words— 3,139

Jungkook steals your snacks while you’re away. Can he make it up to you? He’ll try his best…

a/n— just something small i originally started for his birthday! Was going to scrap it altogether because I was too busy to finish on time, but i thought it would be a shame, so here you go, take this mindless drabble 😭

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