making this hole thing was a pain

An almost love has a different kind of pain. It’s constantly imagining the “could’ve beens”. It’s remembering how yesterday was well-spent, but knowing you could’ve been happier if you shared it with him
Now I’m torn between being accustomed to the numbness and constantly touching the gaping hole where he left off.

My friends say goodbyes are always painful, but I think morning afters are the worst. You wake up knowing that what used to make you look forward to the day is gone. At times, he reminds you of the smallest things, like how the clouds reveal his face, and the morning station plays songs about him.

The saddest part is that we stopped at “almost”. We almost happened. I almost loved you. Was the spark not enough for you? Didn’t my fire shine through?

—  An Almost Love, A.B.
2

“I apologize again Y/N… I should have been here earlier.” Castiel rose up as the grace coming out of him and into your wounds faded.

“No Cas… You came and that’s what matters.” You lifted your head up to look at him. His face stoned cold with grief.

“Please don’t be worried.. You got here, healed me and I can’t thank you enough for that. Don’t feel guilty for something you didn’t cause. It’s that damn wendigo that did this who should regret it.”

“But after everything I have done.. All the pain that I caused…I have to make sure things are alright.” Bright blue eyes burning a hole in your Y/C/E ones.. You saw the raw pain that made him human, even if just for a second.

anonymous asked:

What scares you? What baffles you? What makes you jump high above the heavens?

the future, everything inside of me, falling down the rabbit hole; I can’t control my feelings?, my instincts, all of my most favourite people can’t see their own light, good occurrences causing pain, murphy’s law; things I’ve dreamt about being actualized, small consecutive victories, my friends my pals my buds, finding the sweet spot of a drawing, crossing things off my to-do list.

okay guys I have kind of a crazy request.

Here’s the reader’s digest version of my story: 

I have an ancient mattress (and no, that’s not even an exaggeration, the thing is over 15 years old) that is sagging really badly in the middle and causing me pain in my hips and back. I haven’t slept all the way through a night in a long time. The old soldier has followed me through three different moves and it’s high time it was retired with honors.  

I am trying to save up for a new mattress. New mattresses are expensive, moreso because my bed is a full, which is a step down from a queen. 

Today’s amazon deal is precisely the kind of mattress I need for about 300 dollars less than it normally is. 

So yes, I’m asking you for money. I try not to do this often (and I have done it before, to help pay for rent and groceries.) This is a link to my so called ‘tip jar’- my donate page, which is hidden because I know that a lot of people on tumblr are anxious about money and about other people asking for it and I don’t like making my followers feel pressured. 

I would really like to be able to sleep all night and wake up without pain. It would in general make my quality of life better. 

I’m not demanding that you donate because if anyone understands not having money it’s me; signal boosts are appreciated, too. And maybe I won’t get this particular mattress and you know what that’s okay. I just need a headstart on getting something that will keep my health at a reasonable level.

Things Frozen had:
-Anna’s friendliness with castle staff
-A portrayal of the effects of neglect
-A portrayal of an abusive relationship in part caused by the effects of conditioning/isolation from previous abuse
-A spunky athletic princess who is nevertheless not equipped to do what she sets out to do on her own
-A princess who is both emotionally powerful and emotionally vulnerable
-A portrayal of anxiety
-An effective portrayal of what seems to be the beginning of recovery but in avoiding rather than confronting a painful reality in fact leads to further isolation, alienation and hurt

Things Frozen needed:
-A backstory that wasn’t RIFE WITH PLOT HOLES (see: what the fuck is up with Kristoff; it’s weirdly unclear whether and to what extent we’re supposed to see the parents’ approach to the trolls’ advice as flawed; what are the trolls getting at anyway?; in what world does it make sense to remove a magic user’s ENTIRE SUPPORT SYSTEM in one fell swoop to undo magical damage, especially when the key to controlling said magic is LOVE, which de facto requires an honest, mutually protective relationship?) This one bothers me a lot.
-Fat Anna. Fat Anna. FAT ANNA.
-Some genuine closure about Elsa’s neglect of Anna. As victims of the same abuse, it’s so important that their isolation from each other is dealt with. Anna worked her butt off to get close to Elsa again - Elsa didn’t do the same. And then, after Anna’s outburst at the ball, we never see her confront Elsa again. Is she afraid that being angry will trigger another magical catastrophe? That’s not healthy. It’s going to become a problem. What about the other fights that they’re DEFINITELY going to have? Everything about this points to some heavy emotional suppression, AKA the backbone of Frozen’s plot!
-Anna beating the shit out of Hans. Like, cool, she punches him. Then she whirls around haughtily and never worries about him again. REALLY?! This creep took advantage of her vulnerability and desperation, succeeded in seducing her (how would THAT have gone if Elsa hadn’t flipped her shit and thrown a wrench in the works?! Awful possibilities abound), and was planning to murder her sister, whom she adored, and who was her ONLY SURVIVING FAMILY MEMBER. Meanwhile, she trusted him with EVERYTHING, including her kingdom and her heart, until he OPENLY TURNED ON HER. The amount of emotional trauma that would be attached to that is staggering, and the idea that Anna wouldn’t struggle with feelings of guilt, powerlessness, and self-hatred - not to mention the idea that she would respond in a way less than lethal to Hans when she had the power to do so - is nothing more or less than a completely unfair portrayal of the experience of victims of abuse. Anna deserved to beat the crap out of Hans and/or have him executed; and fans who saw their own victimhood in Anna’s experience with him deserved to see it.
-A new dress for Elsa! Disney knows all about the way imagery affects a story. Why does Elsa get a brand new dress for her Snow Queen transformation but nothing later? She’s certainly not the same at the end of the movie as she is during “Let it Go;” in fact, in spite of its power ballad qualities, that scene is clearly Elsa deluding herself - the same Elsa who builds a giant fucking ice castle has run away from her kingdom and her sister, completely avoids her responsibilities, has a massive breakdown and proceeds to strike Anna with a literally deadly blow. Marshmallow alone is evidence that she has some serious issues to work out - she’s still isolating herself as she did before, but telling herself it’s on her terms. The weird (and very not Scandinavian) hypersexuality of her ice dress is contextualized as NOT representative of Elsa’s true self - so why does it stick around?

I loved Frozen when I first saw it, but I’m not gonna kid myself. It’s a Disney movie. The emotional backbone and the visual beauty is almost all concentrated in the suspenseful and negative parts of the story; the happy ending is sappy and drained of meaning by the need to make everything cutesy enough to be associated with the Disney label. I want to see more stories that effectively deal with the themes they set out to explore, so I take what I like and analyze the hell out of it. So yeah. This is how I felt about Frozen.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liars chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus]

And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I will keep myself
I would find a way

Forever

Forever I will have this pain in my heart,
Forever I will have this scar, this mark.
Forever my heart will have this hole,
Forever feeling like I have no control.
Forever miscommunicateing what I feel.
Forever hoping that this isn’t real.
Forever wishing I could untrap myself from my mind.
Forever bound by the anger I have inside.
Forever hiding,forever crying, forever comprimsing, forever dispising.
But I will not let the pain weigh me down to my grave, I will rise above with all the love that you gave.
Forever trying to make you proud,
Forever blocking the hate from getting to loud.
Forever trying to do the right thing.
Forever trying to fly with your angel wings.

Hurt
  • Hurt
  • Nine Inch Nails
  • The Downward Spiral
Play

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
On my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

For me, heartbreak isn’t crying alone in my room with blood stained wrists and no lights on. It isn’t eating ice cream while listening to our old favorite song. Heartbreak is drinking 12 shots of vodka, trying to fill that hole you left in me. It is crying on the bus like an idiot, because the thought of you makes me lose my grip on life’s realities. Heartbreak is writing you endless messages and creating depressing playlists. It is not eating for days. It is not leaving my room for weeks. It is crying in my sleep for months on end. Heartbreak is a lot of things, but it is never beautiful or poetic. It is the worst pain and you could never understand that.
—  A broken heart
youtube

“Hurt” Johnny Cash

lyrics under read more ]

Keep reading

Sorry. Sorry means that you feel the pulse of other people’s pain, as well as your own, and saying it means that you take a share of it. And so it binds us together, makes us as trodden and sodden as one another. Sorry is a lot of things. It’s a hole refilled. A debt repaid. Sorry is the wake of misdeed. It’s the crippling ripple of consequence. Sorry is sadness, just as knowing is sadness. Sorry is sometimes self-pity. But sorry, really, is not about you. It’s theirs to take or leave.

Sorry means that you leave yourself open, to embrace or to ridicule or revenge. Sorry is a question that begs for forgiveness, because the metronome of a good heart won’t settle until things are right and true. Sorry doesn’t take things back, but it pushes things forward. It bridges the gap. Sorry is sacrament. It’s an offering. A gift.

Yes. Sorry is when good people feel bad. And the people who trouble me are the ones who, through some break in circuitry, through some hole in their heart, can’t feel it, or say it, or scratch it into trees, or transmit it to the sky with their palms kissing.

Maybe sorry isn’t as simple as I think it is. Or as honourable or romantic or grand. Maybe it’s just the refuge of the weak. Maybe it’s just the calming balm of the bad and the ruthless. Maybe it’s little or no reward for those in receipt. Maybe it’s just an empty promise, the gift of a hallow box. Maybe it’s self-serving and loveless. Maybe it takes what it needs and gives nothing back.

—  Craig Silvey
4

Happy 16th to the girl who makes five days in a week less painful. She’s been the greatest supporter in everything I’ve done this year and I don’t know what hole in the ground I’d be living in without her. Hope 16 brings on great things: “this is life before you know who you’re gonna be, sixteen”
Hope she had an amazing day, she definitely deserves it
Happy Birthday Tazor 💛⚡️

on picking up shards

When mistake is done, what is left will always be wounds, regrets. With the sight of why it all happened, of all the deep cuts to see through things to hold onto, there’s no ounce of pain you would not remember to justify the dark you’ve been through. That even the littlest reason you have to open your eyes again and let sunlight walk inside of it, that even you make it heavy just to let it win, there will always be these holes and scars that will pull you back. To stop you. Whispers on your ear and tell you, this could be another mistake. 

We could pick up shards and fix it but the cracks will remain. Or pick up shards and throw it. Or just let it stay there, remind you of how one day, you break something and have regrets flow back to you again and again. This is what is always left, decisions. When I decided to pick up the shards, I didn’t think of my fingers getting cuts. All I wanna do was fix it. I don’t know if I did. My fingers got tired and it always ache. It always ache. Blood stops spilling but it still does ache. This is what’s left in me now. Inability to touch and hold things. Even if you want to. Even if I pour myself with all the good and love, pain would always follow. Pain and fear could always win over love. 

One thing I’m trying to learn is this; to not just accept the good but also the bad. Weighing complicates things, perhaps. Not to neglect the pain but to learn to love without fear of pain, that pain could break things again. And one day, let my hands touch it again. Then maybe, that is love.

You came home today, with sunken eyes and a torn up heart. You unpacked your bags in your old childhood room, hugged us, and talked with us. You talked a lot. You talked about detox, about all of those circle meetings and how it’s given you a love for coffee. You talked about how you cut your hair and shaved right before you went in, to make the outside look like your goal inside. I want to tell you that I’m proud of you, of my brother. I want to talk about things, I don’t want to be the sister that’s half your age. I want you to talk to me. My chest hurts with anxiety because I just want to make you feel better and to take away the childhood pain that made you shove that needle in your vein. I want to hug you like that will seal the jagged hole punched in your chest from all of those people that picked you apart like vultures and all of those dirty apartments and all of those poisonous friends and all of those depressing vinyl records you gave to me on my birthday.
You came home today.
I wish I could find the perfect thing to say.

“Hurt”

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

—  NIN- Trent Reznor, covered by Johnny Cash.
Hurt

“I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make me hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way.”

🎶

No possession can fill the hole you’ve made
No obsession that can make you dissipate
There’s no place I can go that will make you go away
So I’ll stand for what’s worth fighting for
And bear all of the pain

Something’s are worth fighting for
Things are worth dying for

What if it’s real then how can I see
If all of this was the way it should be
What if I’m wrong, and fade from the light, and drift far away and lose my sight

Something’s are worth fighting for
Things are worth dying for

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

My mind kills

My heart hurts. All of this pain that I am going through makes me want to cry but I have to be strong to show that I’m not misrible. I may seemed pissed off but deep down inside I am experiencing the worst pain any person should ever feel. Please, get me out of my misery and bring me up to the guy on the next floor. He sure has the athority to control my emotions. My pain. My life. He has the athority to show me to the afterlife. To bring me to another life. Just dont allow me to be in control of their life. I’ll mess things up and make a wrong turn.

Show me that there is happiness in this dark hole people call life.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything


What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt