We Can't Do This Without You
Note: this is the first fic I have ever written.. Thanks to the AMAZING @enterprisewriting for all of the help. I couldn’t have done it without you!
“Lieutenant (Y/L/N), please report to the bridge,” a voice over the intercom says.
Perfect. I have been worried about this moment all day. I had been the leader of an away team mission that had gone terribly wrong and resulted in the deaths of two officers.
I enter the turbo-lift and select the bridge button. The ride probably lasts no longer than a minute, but it felt like centuries passed.
As the doors open, the warm air hits my face. I am greeted by the many sets of eyes that belongs to the bridge personnel.
“Lieutenant (Y/L/N), please make your way to the front of the room,” Capitan Kirk says gently, but with authority.
I obey. The room feels like it is moving in slow motion. I turn to face the crew. My hands are shaking, and I feel weak in the knees, but I stand strong and tall. Never before has breathing felt like such a difficult task.
“Lieutenant, we all know what happened yesterday..” Kirk begins.
I feel tears well up in my eyes, but I refuse to let them out.
“And I would like to personally apologize for all that happened. ”
Keep them DOWN.
“You handled the situation with in the best way you could, with the skill, grace, and composure of a model Starfleet officer, and…”
“But I could have done better!” I yell out.
“Lieutenant (Y/L/N), the situation was out of your control. ” Kirk continues.
“If I had been a little efficient and a little quicker, than the species would not have found out, and officers (N) and (N) would still be alive. ” I retort.
Tears start streaming down my face now.
“Capitan, permission to speak?” Lieutenant Uhura asks.
“Permission granted. Go ahead.” Kirk says.
“Lieutenant,” Uhura begins, “there was no way of knowing the aliens were coming. I checked all frequencies and scanners myself. I was sure. We all were sure.” She says while gesturing around the room.
Everyone nodded in agreement, but that brings me no comfort.
“I’m sure that you all were, and I know that this is the finest crew in the fleet. You are all great at your jobs, but I have the deaths of two people over my head.” I respond.
At this point, I am nearly shouting through the tears.
“Jim, she’s had enough. Let her go.” Bones McCoy says quietly. “Darlin’, I’m sorry. ”
Kirk looks at the ground, and back up at me.
“Lieutenant, you are dismissed and relieved of your duties until further notice.”
I nod and leave the bridge as fast as I can possibly walk, and run into the turbo-lift. As soon as the doors close, I press the button of the floor my quarters are on and collapse onto the floor.
“I’m sorry,” I say to no one in particular.
The turbo-lift arrives on my deck. Still sobbing, I run towards my room.
On the way, I receive many looks of concern from my fellow officers, but I keep my head down and continue running towards my quarters.
Upon arrival at my room, I am immediately hit with nausea. I quickly make my way to the bathroom, tie my hair up and empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet. The unpleasant flavour of stomach bile lingers in my mouth, despite rinsing it out with water.
I look in the mirror and notice the mascara that has run. Normally, I would fix this right away, but I am to tired.
The day has not been kind to me.
No longer full on crying, but with traces of tears still in my eyes. I am exhausted. The only way to make my day remotely better is to strip off my uniform, and change into my pyjamas, which consists of Starfleet Academy sweatpants and t-shirt.
I flop onto my bed. I can’t sleep, so I toss and turn for hours.
“At least I don’t have the Alpha shift tomorrow,” I try to joke to myself.
I end up spending two days in my quarters, only getting up to occasionally drink water. I am a class-A mess.
“Come in,” I say weekly.
I look at my door to find the bridge crew coming in.
“You were in your room for so long that I scanned for signs of life to make sure you were still breathin’, ” Bones grumbles.
“What is this?” I ask as Chekov walks in with a balloon bouquet.
“We wanted to make sure you were ok,” Sulu said, with Chekov nodding in agreement, making all his bouncy curls fall into his face.
“Thanks for thinking of me, but I look awful. Can you come back when I’m looking more presentable?” I whine.
“Ah, don’t worry, sweetheart. You look rough, but I’ve seen worse,” McCoy adds in.
Uhura shot him a sharp look.
“Really Bones?” Kirk asks.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be back,” Uhura says before disappearing into my bathroom.
“Lass, I don’t think you’ve eaten much, so I brought shortbread from the recipe my gran used to make. I guarantee it’ll make you feel better,” Scotty says with pride.
“Mr. Scott, unless if the substance is laced with medication, I highly doubt that a Scottish comfort food will miraculously cure the Lieutenant,” Spock chimes in.
“Green-blooded, pointy-eared hobgoblin with no soul,” McCoy whispered to himself, but loud enough for me to hear.
I giggle a little.
Uhura walks back into the main room with makeup remover and cotton pads.
“Here,” she said while gently wiping away the mascara that had run. “Much better.”
“Thanks,” I reply.
I turn back to look at my friends, balloons and shortbread in my room. All the things that should make me feel better, but instead I begin to cry softly.
“Oh no,” Kirk said while reaching over for the tissues on my bedside table and handing one to me.
“Did we do something wrong?” Chekov asks with great concern.
“Oh no, no. This is perfect. I’m so happy.” I say while tears run down my face.
“While I am not an expert on human emotions, I do know that tears have a direct correlation to sadness, yet you continuously say that you are happy,” Spock says.
He turns towards Uhura. “Noyota, I do not understand.”
“Not now Spock,” Uhura says.
“But this should be the opposite emotional reaction, likened to an anomaly.”
“I’ll explain later.”
“I.. I really am happy and appreciate the effort everyone put into this. I really do,” I say in my most convincing tone. “I just wish the circumstances were different.”
“Understandably, yet they can be unchanged,” Spock says.
“Spock, that’s enough,” Uhura whispers.
“I know,” Kirk says while pushing my hair out of my face, “This is what makes you so good. When all of these things happen, you still care so much. It gives me hope for what we do.”
The room was silent.
“Darlin’,” Bones chuckles, breaking the silence, and putting a hand on my arm, “you seem to think that the whole universe rests on your shoulders. Life will be much easier for you when you learn it doesn’t.”
“What do you mean?” I ask softly.
“I mean that no one puts as much pressure on you as you do yourself, and you get so worked up over everything that I wonder if one day you will come into the medbay and I will have to treat you for stomach ulcers.”
“What the good doctor means is you are your own worst enemy. You are smart, you care so much, and you can do anything if you put your mind to it. But you are holding yourself back by always thinking that you are never good enough. You can’t be the villain in your story. There will be plenty of people who are more than willing to do that for you, and try to take you down. So you can’t let them have that opportunity by doing that for them. It’s not fair to yourself,” Uhura says eloquently.
“You owe yourself that much,” Sulu says.
“If you need anything, just ask us. You don’t have to do everything by yourself,” Kirk says.
“(Y/N), you were the first person I came to when I was having trouble learning the authorization codes. You sat down and help me memorize all of them,” Chekov smiles.
“And you were the first person I came to when I got fluorescent slime from the class-M planet from the planetary science lab all over the hall to help clean it up before it caused any damage. Well, any more damage,” Kirk says.
“That was you?” Spock asks.
“Not now Spock.”
“The point is lass, we need you. You help this mission stay bearable and keep us together. We can’t finish this mission without you keeping us in line,” Scotty says. “Who knows what will happen if you leave us for too long.”
I believe it.