How to pretend to be pretty for strangers on tumblr
So you want to go from potato to po-great-o? Allow me to show you the way.
Start off with your early morning potato face. We’ve got a lot going on here. Greasy hair. Chronic acne. Dryness. Eye bags. Not rebloggable. No artificial bolstering of our self-esteem here!
Time to shower and slather our faces with products! “But SleepyWhatever!” I hear you cry. “How do you maintain your glorious rash-like complexion?” I’m glad you ask! Here is me doing my shower ritual of two masks, a cleanser, an exfoliator and a toner to look exactly the same.
So onto the makeup. First of all, we gotta fix those eyebrows. Time to use four products and twenty minutes to draw on hairs we don’t have and cover up hairs we do have.
Here’s a key.
Next is pretty much the only good advice in this thing. You want that flawless wing and sharp shadow line with no cleanup necessary? Tape! Make a line with tape (pre-stuck on your hand to remove some of the sticky so as not to damage your delicate eye area).
Then we smear a flesh-coloured primer on our eyes and set it with a flesh-coloured powder to make better looking flesh.
Start with a neutral brown to softly define your crease.
Next we realised we have no idea what the fuck we’re doing because we didn’t plan it out in advance. Smear on some purple on top of the work we just did and hope for the best.
Inspired by our vague success, we bullshit on! First of all we add some blue to the purple to intensify the colour. Then we paint the eyelids gold for ~contrast~ and then we sling some of that purple/dark blue combo on the outer corners to tie the whole thing together. As long as you blend blend blend, everything will be ok.
At this point we realise two things.
1) Our eyebrows are hideously uneven. (Leftie you bitch) 2) Pursed lips look like a butthole.
Next is eyeliner. Pray for my soul.
So now we start to try and fix The Face. First off, primer. I have a lot of redness so I’m going to smear Shrek’s cum on my face.
And see what it does!
… Jack shit. Alright. That’s ok. We can colour correct! Let’s grab our cream colour corrector kit and neutralise our complexion that way!
Ok, you know what? We can power through.
Because I am, in cosmetics terms, a fucking vampire I used the lightest shade of Dermacol and my concealer and my white foundation mixer and it was still too dark so I caked myself in white powder and made myself ever so slightly too light. Oh well.
I drew my undereyes on using the same purples and blues and a little bit of pink. When it came to false lashes I realised I couldn’t find my lash glue. Or any lashes. But it’s ok! We can make false false eyelashes in an app!
Lastly I threw on a deep purple matte lip. is it comfortable? no! Can I pull it off? not really! but is it super cool and in right now? you bet.
So the makeup is done. Massively heavy and uncomfortable and not something I would wear outside my house because I am not brave. But do I LOVE doing it so over the top?
Now your makeup is done, take 200 selfies in every room in your house to try and find that Holy Grail selfie that shows off your eye makeup as well as your lipstick and is good lighting and also a flattering expression. Also get bored and become distracted by husband and cat being doofs.
After trawling through every selfie, asking people’s opinions and changing and changing your mind, settle on adequacy because this has taken like three hours.
It seems alright. Skin texture minimal. Eyebrow unevenness concealed. Eyeliner showing off. Awks lip gap only showing a little bit. Shame about forgetting to do a damn thing about our hair. This is workable! We’re almost there! Home stretch. We just have to filter the shit out of it and add some fake fake eyelashes and we have something ready for tumblr and that MUA Insta.
And we’re done! You did most of that! That’s sort of what you look like. Now we can prompt strangers to make us feel better about ourselves over the internet. Go forth and harvest those sweet, sweet reblogs.
Stila Heaven’s Hue Highlighter Swatches, Review, Demo
Stila Heaven’s Hue Highlighters are a relatively new and incredibly popular highlighter and one that I’ve received many questions about. It’s a product that risks being gimmicky, but somehow manages to combine all the great elements of highlighter into a cool, new and interesting product.