maked robbery

police/criminal aus
  • ‘We got so caught up arguing about who gets to arrest this guy that we didn’t realize we’d handcuffed the wrong guy until we got to the police station’ au
  • 'You work at the place I’m trying to rob and you caught me in the act. I thought you were going to turn me in, but it turns out your boss is an ass so you helped me and now we’re on the run together’ au
  • 'We’re detectives and you’re my partner, but we’re so snarky with each other that the entire department has a betting pool running on whether we’re fucking or not’ au
  • 'You’ve spent this entire casino robbery making terrible puns and shooting finger guns at me and i’m just so done let me kiss you’ au
  • 'We’ve been on a stakeout all night and you got so bored you started singing all of the sticky songs you could think of and i’m hitting my head against the steering wheel, please stop i’ve had call me maybe stuck in my head for the last two hours’ au
  • 'You’re a cop and you caught me escaping from a crime scene and long story short, I may have accidentally kidnapped you’ au
  • 'I was called into the department at 3 am and I thought it was an emergency but when I got to the scene it was just you trying to break into a chuck e cheeses for the ball pit? What’s going on here?’ au
  • 'I’m a detective and you’re an assassin and you saved my life but then immediately kidnapped me and I woke up handcuffed to an old radiator and apparently we’re in a different country now. Great.’ au
the jahan au:
  • shaw probs just drags a kid in the same way she would a stray
  • “root it needs a bath. and like, crackers or something”
  • “sameen. why is there a a toddler on the couch.”
  • “parents didn’t make it. robbery gone bad. are you gonna give him a bath or not?”
  • she picks him up, holds him at arms length
  • he giggles
  • root gives her that I Certainly Am Not eyebrow raise
  • “sam. sam, why is he laughing? is he mocking me?”
  • kids aren’t her thing. they’re sticky
  • why are they always sticky?
  • shaw better keep it away from her computers
  • she drops him in the tub. walks back to talk to shaw.
  • “root? where’s the kid?”
  • “in the bath?”
  • “BY HIMSELF?”
  • “bear can watch him.”
  • shaw’s sprinting
  • “HUMANS ARE NOT KITTENS, ROOT. BEAR CANT WATCH A TODDLER UNSUPERVISED.”
  • root shrugs. you learn something new every day.
  • the toddler is happily splashing away in the bath tub, oblivious.
  • “jesus christ, root. you can’t tell me you’ve never looked after a kid before.”
  • “she rarely gives me missions where i interact with children.”
  • “not even…before the machine?”
  • a dark look crosses root’s face. “definitely not before.”
  • shaw sighs. they both look down at the tub.
  • “i suppose bringing home a human stray was inevitable for you, shaw.”
  • “root. c'mon.”
  • “…i’m not feeding it. or cleaning its litter box.”
  • “ROOT HES NOT A CAT YOU’RE BEING IGNORANT ON PURPOSE.”
Halloween Edition of Shit The Fake AH Crew Says

“No Mica, you cannot dress up in your Halloween costume for this robbery!” “But it’s on Halloween Geoff!” “Ugh… Fine. But only if you can convince Jack to wear one too.”


“Check this out Lindsay! Bombs inside of pumpkins! Gavin was bugging me about being more festive so I decided to have some fun with it!”


“Trick or Treat motherfuckers, it’s the Fake AH Crew and this is a robbery. Now make like ghosts and get the fuck out of my sight.”


“Why did you bring a pumpkin to a robbery Michael?” “I’m in the spirit of Halloween, Ryan!”


“Why did everyone get the costume memo but me?” “You’re creepy enough as it is Ryan.” “Fair enough.”


“I go into the vault for 5 minutes and now the entire bank lobby is covered with pumpkins, what have you two been doing out here Gavin?” “Michael and I thought that we could leave a message and get everyone into the Halloween spirit.” “Yeah, Gav and I are gonna turn ‘em into ghosts.”


In the grand spirit of my favorite holiday, Halloween, I decided to bring this back. Shoutout to @badgersinbowties for the inspiration and @youmakemesoangry for also writing more of this and reminding me of this thing. 


Happy Halloween!

Mbti-types committing crimes:

INTJ
Plans out robbery, carefully makes away with a large sum of money

INFJ
Chickens out once plans have been decided

ISTJ
Executed plan perfectly with maximum reward

ISFJ
Cries after committing crime from guilt

ENTJ
Is too loud and is caught mid crime

ENFJ
Encourages partners in crime

ESTJ
Gang leader who doesn’t do the dirty work

ESFJ
Makes jokes with partners in crime mid-crime

INTP
Comes up with creative new crimes

INFP
Too much of a goodie goodie to break the law

ISTP
The safe cracker

ISFP
Always eager to get a new riskier “job”

ENTP
Ends up accidentally tipping off security

ENFP
The brains of the whole operation

ESTP
The young energetic one

ESFP
The one who organizes the after-crime-party before the crime is committed