when you get broken up with what usually makes you feel the shittiest is the feeling of lack of control. i recently realised this, and what helps is understanding what you can and cannot control. “complicated” situations are usually situations made up of things you can and cannot do shit about.
first you identify what you can’t do shit about. the person’s feelings towards you changed, they no longer want to be in a relationship with you. that’s not about you or your feelings, that’s them and you cannot control it. so if you can’t do anything about it, accept it.
then you realise the feeling of “i have no control over my life, i had begun to trust that this relationship would last, this was unexpected. i feel helpless.” what helps is noticing that while life is out of anyone’s perfect control, the thing you can control the most is yourself.
so take control of the healing process. cry your heart out, be pathetic and sob into your friend’s lap after keeping it together on public transport. what we lose when we lose a relationship is mostly our idea of the relationship, everything we had planned for the future. the rug was pulled from beneath your feet. change is frustrating and scary.
then you realise that honestly, it takes two to tango. they were right when they said it would be unfair to continue a relationship when the other doesn’t see it leading anywhere. there’s nobody to blame.
sometimes you can play a perfect hand, not make any mistakes and still lose. this is usually one of the first influential lessons you learn as a young adult. and man, it sucks. but instead of feeling cheated, feel relieved. it was out of your hands. don’t blame yourself. let yourself grieve and feel hurt, but just as well let yourself see the other person’s point of view. relationships are strange and chemistry is always changing. it’s nobody’s fault. and it is still allowed to hurt.
you’ll understand that they weren’t the one for you, no matter how much you liked them and believed it. falling for someone and having it not work out is not a failure on either’s part. you tried because there was something there that you both felt, and it either grows or leaves. prolonging the inevitable would be cruel. the one for you is the one who continues to believe that you’re the one, as well.
your rational side accustoms and understands and accepts the situation quicker than your feelings fade away. you can rationalise and see the things about each other that in the long run most probably would have made the relationship one you wouldn’t continue, anyway. it’s okay to cry again, it’s not weakness or relapse. it’s fallout of the situation that you just need to get out of your system.
and really, if you can, send them a last message after a night of sleep thanking them for the good times and wishing them well. they will reply with the same, and you will find a sense of closure that helps you move on. nothing helps you heal like understanding that sometimes, there’s nothing to forgive. gratefulness for having tried and being honest with each other and respecting each other is so influential.
the truth is, as much as people randomly entering and leaving your life scares you, it just means that it can happen again. you might live through another breakup or find a relationship you both want to stay in already next time. you’ll get over this, and you need to live through it to learn about yourself. next time, no matter what happens, you’ll be better prepared thanks to this experience.