check please as stupid shit i have done while drunk
wanted this guy to stop hitting on me and my friends so i just looked into his eyes and said "you're a four"
posed seductively on a bench between statues of literary figures sancho panza and don quixote
force-fed this guy that was trying to hook up with my friend a bunch of jalapeño quesadillas to prove that he was weak
had a long conversation about jane eyre with my professor's husband while blacked out
a guy at a bar asked how i was doing and i said "i'm spiraling thanks"
told my friend, who i was visiting, that he could totally leave me at a strange bar in a strange town while he took a cute guy home and i'd just wait till they were done having sex before ubering to his apartment
ordered a pizza and fell asleep before it got there on two separate occasions
picked up a bunch of trash from people's yards on the way to a friend's house then immediately dumped it all on my friend's porch
a british guy was roasting me about trump like a week after the election and i screamed HOWS FUCKING BREXIT GOING
was so friendly to the insomnia cookies delivery guy that he texted me like a week later just to chat
stole a stuffed pig the size of a semi truck tire from a fraternity house with brothers stationed at every door
every single thing i have ever done to get guys to stop dancing on me at clubs, including throwing elbows, hand-waving a man away, and turning around and screaming "you're not invited"
Content Warnings: Mental Illness, Attempted Murder, Sexual Content, Stalking, Abuse, Animal Abuse Mention, Emetophobia, US Public Education, Military Industrial Complex. I’ve been told this is my most disturbing story, even if it’s hilarious, so mind your health. All the names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent and Not-So-Innocent.
This is the story of Recruiting Sergeant Scott VS. The Lacrosse Jocks VS. Yours truly.
To understand this story, you must understand the dystopian hellscape that is US Public High School- I went to the NICE high school in town, with the AP curriculum and new building, where the the kids were generally too obsessed with getting into the ivy league to do anything worse than occasionally smoke on the roof. Not even weed, just regular cigs. During their off-periods, so they’d have time to febreeze their clothes and arrive to their next class early. You know, the most boring fucking kids ever.
AND STILL, we were subjected to the various scourges of US public ed, namely-
-on-campus police officers and regular “what to do in case of a columbine event” drill. We had Officer Munoz, who was a wonderful Latina Woman with the good sense to focus her efforts on getting kids away from abusive parents rather than persecuting brown kids, but we were VERY lucky on that front. Still, having someone walking around with a gun and technically the authority to kill you, and having to hide in the science cabinets three times a year fucks you up. Remember Officer Munoz though, She is Important.
- A weird, cult-like, frankly masturbatory attitude regarding athletic achievement. The arts and sciences were stuck doing bake sales for supplies while the gym got re-done two years after the school opened. This was tempered in an odd way at my school in that literally all the sports teams unequivocally sucked, with the exception of
1.Marching Band, which went to nationals twice in the first two years the school was open
2.Knowledge Bowl, where kevin and I took the team to 3rd in state in our first year, and only lost because Kevin had an asthma attack so we decided to let the other teams fight over the ‘lesser’ medals
3.Lacrosse, which didn’t actually didn’t GO anywhere, but was a “real” sport and beat our ‘rival’ school, so the team got to be Big Men On Campus, and get away with all kinds of nonsense like eating in class when everyone else was forbidden or skipping tests for ‘practice’. The three worst offenders were Dustin, Jack and “Rattlesnake Pete”, all of whom were budding neo-nazis and thus signed up for German. With our Jewish teacher. Remember them too.
-On-campus military recruiters. As in, people who are legally allowed to exaggerate, manipulate and actually lie to minors to convince them to join the armed forces. Ours was Sergeant Scott, and as much of a skeevy rat as he was I honestly felt bad for him, because remember, academic magnet high school so he had three kinds of kids to work with:
Kids who made the physical standards for the armed forces and were all about honoring their country via physical labor, but were dumb as shit and couldn’t pass the written exam.
Kids who could pass the written exam and were totally ready to bully some people in the third world, but couldn’t do a pull up if you covered the gym floor in cobras.
Kids who passed the physical and mental portions but were uniformly rabidly anti-military industrial complex, to the point where 35 of them crammed into his cubicle in the office he shared with Officer Munoz and Janitor Wendy, so they could hold a sit-in protest of the Iraq war and chant “Impeach Bush” and “War is Murder” at him Someone chucked red paint on him, because they’re furious immature teenagers. It was his first day.
After my Oscar moment, Mattel contacted us. They specifically wanted to make a Barbie that looked like me, in my exact outfit from the Oscars. I was so excited that Barbie wanted to diversify their brand. Now all little girls can have a Barbie that looks like them. My Barbie is in a box. I never let anyone touch her.