major depressive disorder

i wish issues with daily hygiene due to mental illness were talked about more. i feel like it’s the elephant in the room when it comes to symptoms of debilitating disorders.

so i’m proud of everyone who brushed their teeth, washed their face, showered, and/or put on fresh underwear today. and it’s ok if you haven’t done all or any of those (i know i’ve only done the first two); i’m still so proud of you for managing and surviving another day. keep going you’re doin good.

You know what breaks my heart? Kids who were always told that they were too smart and used to be overachievers but now they have depression and anxiety and other mental illnesses and can’t recover because the bar was always too high for them and they just sit and suffer silently watching everyone else get on with life while trying to be what they used to and trying not to commit suicide but they can’t talk about it because “You’re smart you’re gonna figure it out yourself ” .
Nothing is more disappointing than knowing that no one will help you as you sink deeper and deeper into darkness and believing that all your high hopes and dreams will remain dreams forever.
I feel you kids. You are not alone .

  • someone: I have healthy coping mechanisms and can react to my emotions in ways that aren't destructive.
  • me, sipping chocolate milk from a wine glass while wearing the same hoodie I've been wearing for a week, covered in cheeto dust and smelling like death: god they're so extra

having a personality disorder does not make you abusive

when you abuse people by gaslighting or manipulating, etc, however and blame it on The Illness

that does make you abusive

Mothers Who Abuse Their Children and Why Society Accepts it

I’ve seen posts talk about how the idea of motherhood and mothers having a better bond with their children and mothers having a “natural instinct” has hurt fathers and has even caused close interactions btw father and child to be looked down upon and seen a societally unacceptable etc.

But what I haven’t seen is a post that talks about how societies idealized view of relationships between mothers and their children is directly related to society’s acceptance of mothers abusing their children.

Our society activity accepts abuse from mothers and this needs to end.

The idea that if your mother hits you it’s discipline but if your father hits you it’s abuse is wrong. Both interactions are instances of abuse.

I have grown up with a mother who has chased me through the house, punched me many times, kicked me, hurt to me to the point where I’ve been physically ill for weeks. I am a victim of many years physical, emotional and mental abuse.

I suffer from night terrors of my abuse, triggers, touch repulsions, borderline personality disorder, panic disorder, chronic major depressive disorder (my depressive episodes are more frequent than depressive orders typically are for mdd) as a result of how she has abused me throughout my childhood and into my adulthood.

But people, many people even professional therapists have all insisted that as her child I owe her love and affection. Even people who have witnessed her abusing me insist that it is my job to love her because she decided to give birth to me. And decided to raise me.

This mindset has kept many children from being able to seek the help that they need. This mindset keeps children who are dealing with situations they should never have to think about victims to their mother’s abuse. It puts childrens lives in danger. It puts their mental health in danger.

Friends, family, social workers, psychologists, therapists, have all insisted to me throughout my childhood. That I was responsible for my mother, a grown adult, attacking me. That it was still my job as the person she gave birth to, to love her. Because of how society idealizes motherhood.

This cycle needs to end. Immediately. We don’t need put another generation of children through this. We can end this to help children as well as adults who are victims of their mother’s abuse rather than teaching them that it’s acceptable.

how to depressive episode!1!!

you will need:

  • instant coffee from the asian section of your friendly neighborhood walmart (aka a fun 2:30am insomnia-fueled wandering location)
  • ibuprofen
  • baby wipes and deodorant (showering whom?? i don’t know her)
  • frozen meals… and tortilla chips for eating plain when too sad to use the microwave
  • at least one clean pair of sweats because if you start out with dirty sweats they’ll just get dirtier, at least if they’re clean they won’t stand up on their own by the time you’re able to change out of them
  • sparkling water (honestly drinking a can of sparkling water and then sleeping for 12 hours in the middle of the day is my aesthetic)

don’t forget to:

  • lose any and all motivation to do literally anything (including,,, even,, ,, , idfk staying alive or somethign)
  • destroy every social connection you have because of the fluctuation between soul-crushing loneliness and horrifyingly low tolerance for socialization
  • pet an animal for several hours
  • drink enough coffee to Accelerate The Sadness
  • cry
  • Lay On The Floor™
  • doubt every aspect of yourself and every decision you’ve literally ever made in your entire life
  • look at Relatable posts online while lying in one position in bed for 16+ hours straight and chugging lukewarm water you put on your nightstand three days ago

My mom recently asked me to explain what it’s like for me when neurotypicals try to give me advice about coping with my mental illness. This is what I came up with. 

Imagine that you have to live your life always carrying a massive boulder. Some days you manage better than others but for the most part you’re tired and your muscles hurt. Then a fit and jolly person comes along and they’re carrying a feather. “Oh no, no, no. You’re lifting all wrong. You do it like this.” They fail acknowledge the size difference between your objects and with each demonstration they get more and more pissed when you cannot balance that boulder on one hand.  

Me: lol I’m so depressed
Neurotypical: why are you depressed???
Me: I have a disorder that makes me depressed Sharon
Neurotypical: why don’t you tr-
Me: no I don’t want to try yoga Sharon

Just depression/anxiety things

-Freaking out every five minutes while listening to head phones because you think someone can hear what you’re listening to
- staying home from school/work because of depression but not being able to actually relax because of your anxiety telling you you should be doing something
-dissociation
- “ have you tried deep breathing?”
- wanting to go to sleep because sleep feels good but not being able to because of intrusive thoughts
- not trusting that people could actually like you
- “ try doing something productive”
- “ shit did i take my meds?”
- not being able to sleep because of anxiety about the next day
- not telling people abou the shitty parts of mental illness not to scare them even though they want to know and help
- group projects
- having to weigh mental health and grades
-