mainly because i broke down while making it

Broken - Bucky Barnes x Reader

I LOVE your writing. Can you do a Buckyxreader about how the reader is an avenger but she had a history similar to bucky where hydra experimented on her etc. and she goes out on a mission and Bucky is worried for her? Angst and fluff please! Thanks

You were just finishing up loading your gun when Bucky entered your room, he slid in and shut the door beside him. At first you were too distracted to notice his melancholy expression. “Hey,” you greeted happily, putting your gun into its holster and turning to face him. Bucky had been your friend for a while now, when you joined the Avengers he was the one you managed to get along most with and that’s because you share a similar past.

HYDRA had kidnapped you when you were just a small child, from the age of ten they shaped you into a cold-blooded murder, turning you into a weapon and stealing your humanity. The experiments they did on you were cruel and to this day affected you rather horribly via nightmares.

More often than not, at night time you’d find yourself in Bucky’s room, and you’d allow him to hold you and reassure you that HYDRA will never get you again, because he’ll protect you. And then the next morning you’d wake up and pretend that the night of weakness had never happened, he would respect that and pretend along with you.

“Y/N, I don’t want you to go on this mission.” He admitted, not even bothering to beat around the bush. Not that you minded, one of the first things that attracted you to him was how honest he was and how he didn’t feel the need to dance around certain subjects.

You placed your hands on your hips and cocked your head to the left, curious as to his reasoning behind what seems like a rather unjust statement. “Can I ask what your reasoning is?”

This made him step forward and grab a hold of your hand, one of the many intimate actions you two had grown use too. “This is HYDRA, Y/N.”

“I’m aware,” you nodded.

A primal growl escaped from his lips at your ignorance, “this isn’t a safe mission for you to go on, I really don’t want you to do this.”

You mistook his words as Bucky calling you weak, which hurt even more so because this was a mission which regarded HYDRA. It felt like he was pointing out all those nights you came to his room and calling you puny because of it. Swiftly, you took your hand out of his grip and took a step away from him so that you could proceed to step around him and walk towards the door. “No mission is safe, Winter Soldier, but I don’t think what missions I go on regards you.” Your use of his old codename was petulant, you wanted to make him hurt like he had just hurt you. And from the visible wince he performed, you knew you had hurt him.

As you left the room he stormed behind you, apparently becoming even more aggravated that you were now running away from him. In a matter of seconds he grabbed your hand, twisted you around, and pinned you to the wall. “I care about you Y/N, I’ve been there for you every night you had a nightmare and I held you as you sobbed over what HYDRA did to you. HYDRA, Y/N, HYDRA. They messed you up in so many ways, and they did the same thing to me; if I could get my revenge I would, but I can’t, what I can do is protect you from them so you’re never hurt as badly as you’ve already been hurt. So don’t you dare say that what you do has nothing to do with me.”

The intensity of the look he was sending you had managed to actually silence you, there was an overpowering need within you to say something but words just wouldn’t come to mind; so you just stood there, opening and closing your mouth repeatedly until Natasha suddenly rounded the corner and interrupted you with a cough. Both yours and Bucky’s head turned to face her, “well, well, well. Saying your sweet goodbyes?” She smirked, internally laughing at her own joke.

You gently pushed Bucky away and thankfully he complied. “Are we leaving now?”

“Yep, I’ll meet you at the quinjet though, obviously you two have some unfinished business.” Nat winked and went to walk away but you quickly stopped her and left Barnes to stand in the hallway alone, it’s not that you suddenly disliked him. Not at all. If anything you felt even more overwhelmed by your internal emotions for him after what he’d just said to you, but you still needed to go on this mission despite what he’d said.

All you wanted to do was get through the mission and maybe do some thinking about what the relationship between you and Bucky really means.

What none of you had expected was for the mission to surpass two weeks, it was only meant to be three days but there were complications. And no one except you and Nat were aware of said complications, which was simply that your ship got shot down mid-air, but that’s all, after that you were perfectly safe and just taking a while to get from Russia to your home at the Avengers base.

Those two weeks for Bucky were awful, he spent each day and each night just thinking about you and all the horrible things they might be doing to you. He even had a nightmare which involved you going back to HYDRA and Bucky having to willingly put you down, just to save you from any more of their torture. After that dream, he barely slept. Steve tried to reassure him, saying that they had Tony watching out for any sign of them but days continued to pass by without any word from you or Nat.

Another restless night had passed by when JARVIS awoke him to the news that you were in the infirmary, at first he thought he was hallucinating. Once reassured that this was in fact not a dream, he ran down stairs, his legs moving faster than they had ever before.

When he reached the door he still had to stop himself, still had to question if you were real or not. You’d certainly looked better, your hair was greasy and nest-like, and your skin was marred with dirt. You look malnourished and dehydrated (he noticed the water in your hands, feeling a little relief that you were getting some sustenance), and yet you had a smile on your face. “Bucky,” you greeted almost breathlessly, “hi.”

“Hi,” he swallowed, surprised at the overwhelming emotions that swirled inside of him like a hurricane, all from you saying a simple ‘hello’. “What the hell happened!?” He suddenly yelled, the sappy reunion spoiled for good.

You visibly winced at his words, “our ship got shot down and we were stuck in the middle of nowhere.” Nat spoke up, not at all liking his tone and she made this clear through her own venomous tone. “Honestly, it’s thanks to her quick thinking that we’re even back here, if you knew the crap we had to go throu-“

“Don’t worry about it,” you interrupted, knowing that Nat wasn’t herself right now. It really had been hard, when you were crashed down to the ground neither of you had money and all forms of communication were broken. And seen as you were in the middle of nowhere it had been impossible to find a single phone, eventually you managed to get on a boat to America but then you still had to suffer through the lack of food and water which made you two weak and extremely ill. “What matters is that we’re home.” You held out your hand towards him, hoping he’d take this as a sign that you needed to feel him once more, it had been two weeks since you’d heard his voice or felt his presence beside you, and it was two weeks of pure torture.

Thankfully, he accepts your invitation and grabbed your hand with his non-metal one. He was warm, while you were freezing cold. This pushed him to abruptly envelope you, his warmth now completely covering you and making you feel mellow both on the outside, and the inside. “I thought…” His voice broke off, he couldn’t continue with what he was saying.

You didn’t need him to as you had no doubt that whatever he’d gone through, you’d experienced something very similar. “I know, but its okay.” You placed the cup of water down so that you could use both your hands to grip his head, forcing him to look up into your eyes. “I don’t plan on going anywhere for a while, mainly because of my injuries, I’ll probably need to do some more training but the other reason I’m staying is because, well, you know-“

Bucky didn’t let you finish, instead he kissed you. “I know what you mean,” he mumbled with his lips still pressed against yours. And it’s true, he did understand. He also understood how hard those words were to say, because you’d just discovered the emotion ‘love’ after years of being surrounded by the complete opposite of that word. And because of that you didn’t entirely have faith in ‘love’, but you had faith in him. And he had an equal amount of faith in you. Because even though you are broken, even though you are different, even though you are haunted, you’re still capable of feeling such miracles.