madi stop it


And you think I’m the one best suited to lead our people through this?
I think that you are the best of us. The two of you together are the world in balance.

Mental breakdown tag lol

do I use this script or not

also vedj - still going, but will probably miss some days and that’s OKAY
I’m worried for this video, because rather than generalising mental illness as important, and needs to be talked about, I go into detail about the specifics of what I’m feeling. And it’s not pretty. If you can’t relate, and I hope you don’t, I’m going to seem very very strange. But mental illness isn’t simple, it’s not all let’s blow on thumbs together to stop these darn panic attacks, or this cute cartoon girl crying in a corner. It’s so much bigger and uglier and more complex.
I haven’t been making videos because I didn’t know how to when my head has been consumed and overtaken by what I’m about to talk about. But I think I’ve figured it out.
so here’s the thing
you may have seen on twitter
i mentioned that i haven’t really felt like i’m here since i was 17 in a vid recently
and then within the last week that sort of upped as a problem by like, 80%
i went to wales for some shoots, felt crazy the whole weekend, then came back and got very panicky about the fact that I was going mad
I had slept fine, and I kept expecting to wake up better, but I just didn’t
I’ll explain what this all actually is and how it feels in a bit, plz hold
so I got back, and knew that I felt messed up, so tried registering to the doctors
walked there, in my weird dream state, took a proof of address cause I knew I needed that, handed it in, and then they said that I needed proof of address within the last two months
i was teetering on the edge of tears and also feeling really weird so I think they must have thought I was actually insane
I forgot how to say thanks and bye so I think I just left, dunno
walked home, in this strange, bright dream world
tried finding proof of address, forgot how to talk to my housemate, scared she was going to notice that I was drunk, except i wasn’t drunk
and then my mum called and said dodie
are you okay
and I just sort of
i was sobbing, rummaging through bin bags to try to find some sort of proof of address, on the phone to mum, and I decided to visit home home for some sort of familiarity, cause I used to feel so normal and alive in that house, when I was younger
so I went home home, crying on the train, panicking about the fact that I was going mad and all my friends were like dodie wtf
that was when I tweeted saying I needed a break
then I saw mum and started crying about the fact that I left my old bedroom bed in dovan flat, cause I just wanted my normal bed in my normal room so I could feel normal
and I came home but of course I wasn’t magically cured because going to that house is not the same as time travel
i’m not taking a trip to 2012 when I go home, as much as I want to, i’m a broken dodie visiting a broken house and a broken ish family
I even visited my old primary school which shut down, like, years ago, and I wandered around with hedy
I don’t think that helped, cause it felt like it had just, grown leaves and aged in like 20 seconds
it just made me feel even weirder
so what am I feeling? Okay. let me explain. Or try to.
here are a bunch of messages I have sent to friends of mine, to try and explain wtf this is
“i’m so tired
I’m just so tired I feel like I’ve been awake for 4 days And I don’t feel like I’m here I feel like I’m drunk Like I’ve had three wines and shots and beer and I’m tired and ready to go home and I can’t talk to anyone because I’ve forgotten how I usually talk
I don’t even look like me
Everything is so wrong and weird and scary
I honestly think I’m going mad
I can’t stop crying
I’ve got such a bad headache” to lucy
And I’ve just constantly felt like Drunk and blind You know when you’re hammered
And everything’s really bright and you can’t remember how to talk properly and you’re not really taking anything in cause you feel really weird and you can touch things and see things and talk to people but you’re not really There
I genuinely genuinely think I’ve gone mad
And I don’t know if I’m ever going to see things like normal again” to sammy
“Here’s the thing
I’m alive
I can breathe
I can eat and talk and sleep and see and feel
So I should be okay
And objectively, I am fine
So why am I not
It’s one of those things that I keep thinking about over and over to the point where my head is like is this really happening and then I’m like is WHAT really happening
I used to not understand mental illnesses at all
I was like
Just think of cats and rainbows
But now I get it
It’s so much deeper in your brain than cats and rainbows
I used to say if I ever got dementia or something id fight it
But how can you fight it when the it is the thing you’re using to fight with
Dodie has gone full blown mad” to jon
now, thanks to the last vid, and to google, I’ve found out what this probably is
and I’m trying my best to register and see a doctor and get therapy and sort this out and also
I know what you’re thinking
if you have no idea what I’m talking about, if you’ve never had anything even close to this, if you are mentally dandy
you’re thinking dodie
you sound mental
just shut up,
turn it off
you’re fine
you’re obsessing over nothing, you’re attention seeking, just stop thinking about it
firstly, I am so happy and thankful that you feel normal and happy and go and enjoy your life because you can
and secondly, I would do anything to turn this off and feel normal again, literally anything. But I can’t. not right now. I don’t know how.
so. here’s my plan.
I’m going to act fucking normal.
I can still sing. I am still alive, on this planet, even though I don’t feel like it. I still find things funny, I still can taste food, I can make jokes, and write songs and hang out with friends, even though I literally feel like I’m hiding something from everyone and I keep looking at everyone as if I’m a robot.
but I’m going to sort this out, somehow. I’m going to sleep before midnight and wake up before 9, I’m going to give myself weekends, I’m going to do mindfullness meditation at 11am, and Im going to go running at least twice a week and eat healthy and drink water and not drink too much alcohol and treat myself when I’ve done well and not overwhelm myself. And I’m going to go to a doctor, and then therapy, and deal with this. But this will not consume me.
Yeah I feel fucking weird. Bring it. I’m so done with the constant buzz in my head - why do I feel like this why do i feel like this why do i feel like this
I just do. And I can’t change it right now. It’s not going to turn off. and I can’t just stop the world until I feel normal again, because I’ll get to my 70s and be like well shit, I missed it all.
So I’m going to do the best I can. I’m going to make the videos that make me happy. And I’m going to laugh about the fact that I’m a bit mental. Cause what else can you do.

Whilst I type this I’m on the phone to my bank to get a statement sent to prove my address to go BACK to the doctors to prove I live here then get an appointment to get referred to therapists. The NHS may be free but it’s not bloomin easy lol.

gotta say making this video was super healthy for me. It was good to edit together and see that I can pass as a functioning human.


This was my response to that Sarner post, I reposted it, because tumblr is not allowing me to reblog the original post.

Omg can we just not???!! So many people in this fandom would gush and faint if Flint would leave everything behind to be with Thomas Hamilton. I’m pretty sure this Sarner lady would love that too. God forbid Silver does the same. You can’t compare Silver and Madi’s relationship with Silver and Flint’s friendship. Silver has always done and given so much more than Flint has in return. Flint has put Silver (and the rest of the Walrus crew) through shit Madi would NEVER EVER do to him, simply because it’s not in her nature. Till this day Silver is still doing what Flint wants. The only person who actually gives a shit about what Silver wants, who actually gives a shit about him being his own person is Madi. How are you gonna disrespect a Black woman like that? Are you fucking kidding me? She isn’t just some random chick getting in the way of your two faves. She is a fully realized character, with her own individual story, a woman who’s people freedom she’s fighting for because a bunch of white colonial motherfuckers wanted to get rich and stay rich!? Remember? The entire economy of that world thrived on colonialism and slavery??? Madi Scott is not only a woman who based on actual historical context is fighting to stick it to the man, but also from a moral and ethical perspective has every fucking right to do so. That’s what Silver sees. And than you have the pirate who is full of grandeur and ego who wants revenge on England because they took his love away from him and doesn’t care who has to sacrifice to get his war, friend or foe. As long as everything goes HIS specific way. Let’s be honest. We all know if Thomas could see Flint now, he wouldn’t exactly agree with this revenge plot and that’s an understatement. Silver and Madi have and always will have more in common then Silver and Flint ever will. And how are you gonna act so surprised when Silver has repeatedly warned Flint that when it comes to Madi, he’s at his most vulnerable therefore he will not choose his war over her. He knew. Also the fact that Silver doesn’t believe in Flint’s war anymore isn’t exactly news either, this has been building up the entire season. He believed in Flint, but now he’s losing faith in him. That’s called character development folks, people change, deal with it. Besides, it isn’t as if Flint ever bothers to let Silver in on his plans for his war anyway, he suddenly adds and changes things and asks him to just trust him. Yeah right. Then you have Madi and Silver who discuss everything together before they go ahead with a plan. That is trust, that is mutual respect. Madi taught him the true meaning of love and friendship; to be with someone who let’s you be free to be yourself and live your own life on your own accord. And that’s what Silver wants, his OWN life.

Don’t Leave Me Again.

Small, unbeta’ed fics. One for every hiatus day. Mostly canon-verse.
Read the whole collection of fics here.
Day 8: 1 June 2017 √

She is lying on the couch, sketching the river they found the other day and a map to remember how to get there again when Madi storms in the room and startles her.

“Clarke! You need you come! Now!” The girl says loudly from the door, eyes filled with panic.

Clarke quickly places her sketchbook next to her and runs to her friend, “What is it?” She asks worried.

Madi doesn’t even answer. She grabs Clarke’s wrist and tugs her towards the exit of the lab and outside. Clarke doesn’t resists much, she runs behind the girl carefully not to lose her footing.

“Madi, what happened?” Clarke asks again, looking around them as the girl guides her through the forest.

The girl glances at Clarke over her shoulder, “I think I hurt a new nightblood.” She explains, voice low and scared.

Clarke stops and Madi almost falls from getting pulled back with Clarke’s hand. She turns to face her, “A new one?” Clarke asks surprised.

Madi nods, “Yes. I haven’t seen him before. He must have came to this side the past few days we were away. He came from behind me startled and I hit him on the face. He fell back and hit his head on a rock.” She explains panicked. “Come on, Clarke. We’re almost there.” Madi insists and waves Clarke to follow her as she turns away again.

They stop running a minute or two later but no one is there. “He should have been here.” The young girl tells, searching around for the man she hit.

“Maybe he got scared and ran away.” Clarke proposes, standing by Madi’s side.

The girl lowers her gaze to the ground, “I’m sorry, Clarke. I didn’t mean to scare him. Or hurt him.”

Clarke knees down to Madi’s height and hold her from her shoulders, “Hey. It’s okay. He will probably come back soon. Maybe he has his own group of nightbloods and went to tell them-”

“Clarke?” A voice from behind them calls and Clarke’s heart stops beating. Her eyes open wide from the shock and all the memories come back at once, making her want to blast off with joy.

She slowly turns around, afraid that he won’t be there and that her mind is playing games with her again. But all her fears go away as she meets those chocolate eyes again after six years. 

He stands there, frozen and staring at her. he hasn’t changed much, his hair are shorter than now and he has lost a lot of weight. He has grown to be a handsome twenty-nine years old man just like she had imagined him to be.

Neither of them seem to be able to move. They just stand there, staring at each other and hoping that the other will make the first move. At the end, it’s Clarke’s leg that take her to him. She crashes on him a moment after he opens his arms for her, burying her face in his neck and arms wound around it, squeezing his so tight as if he will slip through her grip soon.

His arms go around her back, lifting her off the ground floor and holding her tight against him. A moment never allowed himself to dream because he knew it would never happened. Never in his life he was so happy he was wrong.

“You’re alive.” He whispers in her hair, burying his face farther into them till his lips touch her neck too. “You’re alive.” He repeats again and again till his voice dies and his eyes burn with  fat tears.

Clarke is crying too, soundlessly but nonstop too. “You came back. I knew you would.” She says against his brown skin, a color she wished she to have when drawing with charcoal.

Suddenly Bellamy’s knees can no longer hold them up and together they sink on the ground, still holding and crying tears of joy and relief. It’s Clarke the one letting go first and she leans back just enough to rest her forehead against his and cup his face, caressing his face.

One of Bellamy’s hands lift up and cup the side of her neck, caressing the soft skin there. They both are out of air, breathing heavily and staring at each others eyes. “I missed you so much.” Clarke whispers, wiping away the blood from the wound on side of his face, “I have been waiting for this moment for-”

She never finished her sentence. Because Bellamy pushes forward and  crashes his lips on hers, kissing every bit of them like it’s the only thing that keep him alive. Maybe it was and he didn’t know it till now.

“I thought you were dead.” He says between the kisses, “I thought you were dead and I would never get to do this.”

Clarke smiles against his lips and slowly pulls back, wiping away the tears from his cheek, “I’m here.” She sighs, “I’m here now. Please don’t leave me again.”

2,199 Days and You’re home.

Warning, this is probably going to be a long but cute asf fanfiction!

Clarke had never loved anyone as she had loved Bellamy, watching that rocket and knowing he was on his way to safety, she felt relief wash over her. She didn’t mind dying as long as it meant the people she cared for went on. Clarke had been sure the radiation would kill her, the memory of the searing pain she felt from her bubbling skin, the feeling of the burning blood choking up in her throat would forever be planted in her mind. She’d been so sure she’d die that day, dying on a dying planet. But then Madi found her, the girl only young then, barely able to take care of herself let alone nursing Clarke until she was at full health. Those were some of the most painful days of her life. Not just the radiation seeping through her but the fact that she’d let Bellamy go, she wouldn’t see him for years to come, no more warm hugs reminding her of home, no more playful smile crossing his face even though she knew he wanted to be mad at her. Everyone she loved so far from her but they were safe and that’s all Clarke could ask for.

Keep reading

Silver, Flint, and Billy would all be

dead if not for Madi, so try being more respectful to her, she saved your faves lives. She made Silver see how fucking stupid he was not getting his leg tended to, she reasoned with her Mom to delay her from killing them all until she spoke with Mr. Scott about them. She secured the weapons needed to help them win this battle with the British, she fought in the war her damn self. But she’s hated because she’s coming in between your fanon ship. Or she’s only speculated about as the “Miranda” of this Silver/Flint relationship. How sway? SHE’S A FUCKING QUEEN FFS. I’m tired of going in her tag and seeing people asking for her to be killed off when she’s done nothing to deserve this hate.

Madi’s “No!”

Analysis post. Warning: 4x09 spoilers

“But I hear other voices, a chorus of voices, multitudes.They reach back centuries. Men and women  and children who’d lost their lives to men like you.
Men and women and children forced to wear your chains. I must answer to them and - this war, their war, Flint’s war, my war -  it will not be bargained away to avoid a fight, to save John Silver’s life, or his men’s, or mine.”

I’ve discussed and read opinions on several sources from viewers on Madi’s arc. I’ve expressed my hopes where it could be going since 4x06. I’ve expressed my opinion on Madi’s choice in 4x09. But this post isn’t about that. Just an analysis in reflection of how Madi has dealt with losses since 4x01. For me this “No” is not just a “No”, but expresses a willingness to martyr and sacrifice Silver, his men and her own life for the war.

Now obviously she lacks some crucial information such as the amount of runaway slaves there are Maroon Island at present. She has not heard Julius’ words. It actually matters little, because her “No!” comes from the purest conviction about herself and what she is willing to giving up. Madi started out as a sheltered girl with little to no contact to the outside world, and the sole violence she truly consciously experienced before the S3 finale was that of the Maroon men torturing and hunting pirates and sailors that ended up on the Maroon Island by accident, which she recognizes as lawful defense. Until S4 the sole loss she truly experienced was the death of her father, who had been absent for the last 12 years. Certainly from the first episode in S4, Madi quickly experiences heartfelt losses.

Losing Silver

During the invasion, she experiences defeat, witnesses John fall into the water and never surface again, sees her men and Silver’s men being picked off. We know from the flashback that if she was a no good pirate, she’d follow Silver into anything and anywhere. She loves him and she admires him. And she is shocked, broken hearted and devestated by his seeming death.

She holds out hope that Silver may still have been saved or resurfaced and makes it to the beach, where Flint and Madi wait for the last uncaptured survivors to arrive with the longboats.

Her hope is crushed, and first we see her from behind, looking out over the sea, as if she is saying goodbye to Silver.

Next, we see her cry for Silver from the right angle, “looking right”. She grieves. And finally we get a view from the left angle, “looking left”, where she decides to move onwards with the war.

Because in the next scene we see her, at Miranda’s house the first thing she asks Flint is whether the war is over now.

Madi: “Is it over?” 

Flint: “Is what over?” 

Madi: “You looked into my mother’s eyes  and you said a great war lay ahead of us, one in which pirates and slaves would stand together  and strike a blow that might shake the very foundation  of the British Empire. Now our ships are gone, our army is fractured, battered and beaten. And the only man among you I trusted is dead. I’m asking you if this war died with him.”

Madi does not stop grieving, or loves Silver no less than he does her, per her response when she learns that Silver is alive and when she sees him again. And just prior to learning that he is alive, she tells Eme, “I lost more than you can know.”

What we do learn and what Madi learns in 4x01 is that, despite loving Silver as much as he loves her, she can live with his loss, that she can sacrifice him for her war. So, when Silver asks her in 4x05, “If this goes away, Flint’s war, if it all ended and we had to walk away from it would I be enough for you?” we actually know her answers since 4x01. Hence, “You know what? You don’t have to answer that.”

When Madi says she will not bargain away a fight to save Silver’s life, Madi means it. Nor will Madi ever regret sacrificing Silver, which is why she is pitted against Woodes Rogers in 4x09 who is haunted by regret for his choice. If Woodes could go back in time and undo his choice, he would.

His men (and his means) and her men

Of course, if Madi can sacrifice Silver himself, whom she loves, it is as easy for her to sacrifice Silver’s brothers and friends, who she does not love. More, she expects Silver to be able to do that too. This becomes clear when she pushes Silver to get rid of Billy.

She sides with Billy to free the Underhill slaves. She opposes Billy to prevent reprisals on the family and loved ones of the Underhill slaves. Afterwards she pushes Silver to get rid of Billy, to heal and salvage the alliance with the runaway slaves of New Providence and to remove the one voice that urges Silver to follow his own better judgment about the cache and go against Flint.

Fuck Billy! Don’t fuck Billy! Fuck Flint! Don’t fuck Flint!

But Silver loves Madi. Despite the fact that Billy saved them in 4x03 from the soldiers on the roof, helped to retake Nassau, built the resistance for Silver, and totally echoes Silver’s own mind on issues, Silver chooses Madi’s advize who talks and reasons exactly like Flint. Of course, he does it in his own way - severe punishment, and promise to never do it again.

She also lost a large amount of her own people, including Kofi. Madi is indeed very much a monarch in that way. Absolutely everyone and everything can be sacrificed for an idea in her mind (a nation is an abstrahation of people). And she is better at it than Flint even.

In contrast, Silver tries to avoid as much as possible to have blood on his hands. Yes, he was callous in the first two seasons, but he had no attachment to anyone then. The likeliest reason he avoided attachments in the past is how he could not live with sacrificing loved ones and friends. That is why he ultimately is the best quartermaster, and continues to think like one, instead of a king or captain.

And if you took notice, Silver is the diplomat, the man most prone to make deals, to search for a common interest: (S1) over a page from a log, a share and his life with Max, Flint, Randal and Eleanor; (S2) for a share in gold, the Man O War, Flint’s life with Flint, Max and Vane; (S3) the foundation for a deal with the Maroons, even if Flint does the pitch talk; (S4) with Eleanor, Ruth and Julius and Woodes.

Her own life and freedom

Finally, Madi faces death several times - at the Underhill plantation against Billy, against the Spaniard, and Woodes’ barrel of a gun. She loses her own freedom and has seen the might of the world and men taking the freedom away of her people.

She saw New Providence razed. She can perfectly imagine how easily Maroon Island can be torched with thousands of men. She is reminded by Ruth, by Eleanor of the wisdom in making a safe haven for your loved ones and the happiness that could be had in it.

But to her, a safe haven is a temporary illusion easily destroyed by the horrors of the world. A lifetime of horror, violence and brutality makes love, life and the chance of a safe haven so precious to Eleanor that she dies fighting for it, even if she knows it to be an illusion at some level. A lifetime of reading, shelter and love make loss, sacrifice and horror an unavoidable and bearable certainty and necessity. There can be no deal made, no peace had.

And thus Madi’s queenly strength radicalizes into the strength of a martyr, a revolutionist, a suicide bomber. Any of these minds are strong, inpenetrable, and unalterable. And I think we should take that very seriously.

Even if you could kill me,  even if that somehow helped you see her alive again, how are you going to explain it to her? She believes in this as much as I do. You know this. If it costs the war to save her, you’ll have lost her anyway. Even you cannot construct a story to make her forgive you that. You do this, and you’re gonna regret it.

In the end I honestly couldn’t give a half of a shit about what showrunners say about Madi and Silver in any interviews.  I know how the characters felt about each other.  I watched it every week.  I know that Silver loved Madi enough to stop a whole war for her and give up a life of piracy.  I know that Madi loved Silver, and according to Zethu, ‘more than he could ever comprehend’.  That’s enough for me.  I don’t need anyone else to confirm that.

anonymous asked:

Its just me or Madi and Alicia are really alike and they are letting clues of that show up? like in 303 Madi said killing is simple and Alicia said killin was easy. Madi is tryin to get information about the Otto's and manipulate Troy, Alicia is also tryin to get intell on the ranch n is observing, in season 2 she tried manipulating Jack. They are alike but the show doesnt explore that how it should, these two wold be unstopable forces together

I mean they both have a lot of things in common, after are Alicia is Madison’s daughter through and through. Sadly, Madi has left Alicia to fend for herself since she is reliable and so strong, ironically because of being neglected by her mom she developed that independence and inner strength. If Madi stopped chasing after Nick and focused on her daughter those two would be such a great team.