madi stop it

10

And you think I’m the one best suited to lead our people through this?
I think that you are the best of us. The two of you together are the world in balance.

8

_favourite tv series “Black Sails”  (2014-2017)

[¾]

Season 3

I’ve lived long enough to know that any promise made beside the word “forever” is no more than a l i e agreed upon. There is no forever. Everything moves towards its end. And the closer we get to ours, the louder that clock ticks, the less a sane man would let a promise deprive him of happiness.

7

@sixpenceee my family and I went up to the mountains of North Carolina where I will be going to university in the fall. It mostly consisted of me climbing things and looking like a disheveled mountain girl

Mental breakdown tag lol

do I use this script or not

also vedj - still going, but will probably miss some days and that’s OKAY
I’m worried for this video, because rather than generalising mental illness as important, and needs to be talked about, I go into detail about the specifics of what I’m feeling. And it’s not pretty. If you can’t relate, and I hope you don’t, I’m going to seem very very strange. But mental illness isn’t simple, it’s not all let’s blow on thumbs together to stop these darn panic attacks, or this cute cartoon girl crying in a corner. It’s so much bigger and uglier and more complex.
I haven’t been making videos because I didn’t know how to when my head has been consumed and overtaken by what I’m about to talk about. But I think I’ve figured it out.
so here’s the thing
you may have seen on twitter
i mentioned that i haven’t really felt like i’m here since i was 17 in a vid recently
and then within the last week that sort of upped as a problem by like, 80%
i went to wales for some shoots, felt crazy the whole weekend, then came back and got very panicky about the fact that I was going mad
I had slept fine, and I kept expecting to wake up better, but I just didn’t
I’ll explain what this all actually is and how it feels in a bit, plz hold
so I got back, and knew that I felt messed up, so tried registering to the doctors
walked there, in my weird dream state, took a proof of address cause I knew I needed that, handed it in, and then they said that I needed proof of address within the last two months
i was teetering on the edge of tears and also feeling really weird so I think they must have thought I was actually insane
I forgot how to say thanks and bye so I think I just left, dunno
walked home, in this strange, bright dream world
tried finding proof of address, forgot how to talk to my housemate, scared she was going to notice that I was drunk, except i wasn’t drunk
and then my mum called and said dodie
are you okay
and I just sort of
broke
i was sobbing, rummaging through bin bags to try to find some sort of proof of address, on the phone to mum, and I decided to visit home home for some sort of familiarity, cause I used to feel so normal and alive in that house, when I was younger
so I went home home, crying on the train, panicking about the fact that I was going mad and all my friends were like dodie wtf
that was when I tweeted saying I needed a break
then I saw mum and started crying about the fact that I left my old bedroom bed in dovan flat, cause I just wanted my normal bed in my normal room so I could feel normal
and I came home but of course I wasn’t magically cured because going to that house is not the same as time travel
i’m not taking a trip to 2012 when I go home, as much as I want to, i’m a broken dodie visiting a broken house and a broken ish family
I even visited my old primary school which shut down, like, years ago, and I wandered around with hedy
I don’t think that helped, cause it felt like it had just, grown leaves and aged in like 20 seconds
it just made me feel even weirder
so what am I feeling? Okay. let me explain. Or try to.
here are a bunch of messages I have sent to friends of mine, to try and explain wtf this is
“i’m so tired
I’m just so tired I feel like I’ve been awake for 4 days And I don’t feel like I’m here I feel like I’m drunk Like I’ve had three wines and shots and beer and I’m tired and ready to go home and I can’t talk to anyone because I’ve forgotten how I usually talk
I don’t even look like me
Everything is so wrong and weird and scary
I honestly think I’m going mad
I can’t stop crying
I’ve got such a bad headache” to lucy
And I’ve just constantly felt like Drunk and blind You know when you’re hammered
And everything’s really bright and you can’t remember how to talk properly and you’re not really taking anything in cause you feel really weird and you can touch things and see things and talk to people but you’re not really There
I genuinely genuinely think I’ve gone mad
And I don’t know if I’m ever going to see things like normal again” to sammy
“Here’s the thing
I’m alive
I can breathe
I can eat and talk and sleep and see and feel
So I should be okay
And objectively, I am fine
So why am I not
It’s one of those things that I keep thinking about over and over to the point where my head is like is this really happening and then I’m like is WHAT really happening
I used to not understand mental illnesses at all
I was like
Just think of cats and rainbows
But now I get it
It’s so much deeper in your brain than cats and rainbows
I used to say if I ever got dementia or something id fight it
But how can you fight it when the it is the thing you’re using to fight with
Dodie has gone full blown mad” to jon
now, thanks to the last vid, and to google, I’ve found out what this probably is
and I’m trying my best to register and see a doctor and get therapy and sort this out and also
I know what you’re thinking
if you have no idea what I’m talking about, if you’ve never had anything even close to this, if you are mentally dandy
you’re thinking dodie
you sound mental
just shut up,
turn it off
you’re fine
you’re obsessing over nothing, you’re attention seeking, just stop thinking about it
firstly, I am so happy and thankful that you feel normal and happy and go and enjoy your life because you can
and secondly, I would do anything to turn this off and feel normal again, literally anything. But I can’t. not right now. I don’t know how.
so. here’s my plan.
I’m going to act fucking normal.
I can still sing. I am still alive, on this planet, even though I don’t feel like it. I still find things funny, I still can taste food, I can make jokes, and write songs and hang out with friends, even though I literally feel like I’m hiding something from everyone and I keep looking at everyone as if I’m a robot.
but I’m going to sort this out, somehow. I’m going to sleep before midnight and wake up before 9, I’m going to give myself weekends, I’m going to do mindfullness meditation at 11am, and Im going to go running at least twice a week and eat healthy and drink water and not drink too much alcohol and treat myself when I’ve done well and not overwhelm myself. And I’m going to go to a doctor, and then therapy, and deal with this. But this will not consume me.
Yeah I feel fucking weird. Bring it. I’m so done with the constant buzz in my head - why do I feel like this why do i feel like this why do i feel like this
I just do. And I can’t change it right now. It’s not going to turn off. and I can’t just stop the world until I feel normal again, because I’ll get to my 70s and be like well shit, I missed it all.
So I’m going to do the best I can. I’m going to make the videos that make me happy. And I’m going to laugh about the fact that I’m a bit mental. Cause what else can you do.

Whilst I type this I’m on the phone to my bank to get a statement sent to prove my address to go BACK to the doctors to prove I live here then get an appointment to get referred to therapists. The NHS may be free but it’s not bloomin easy lol.

gotta say making this video was super healthy for me. It was good to edit together and see that I can pass as a functioning human.

lessons

This s5 spec has been stuck in my head for weeeeeeks.

“We go now,” Clarke snarled.  “There’s no time.”

That muscle in Bellamy’s jaw ticked.  “We’re out-numbered ten to one, and they have guns.”  He crossed his arms and faced her, and she wondered how it had come to this so quickly.  She’d been so happy to see him, even while half-frantic with worry for Madi, but the Bellamy who walked off the rocket wasn’t the Bellamy she remembered.  That Bellamy would have understood why they had to attack Eligius now.  They had Madi and she was going out of her mind, and Bellamy wanted to wait.

“We have guns,” she argued.

“We have three guns,“ he corrected. "They’ve got at least two dozen armed guards.”

“We have swords too,” she said, jerking her head back towards the fire.

“We have two swords,” he said tightly.  “And Echo’s the only one who knows how to use them effectively.”

"Bellamy—”

“I know,” he said in an attempt at patience.  “I get that you’re worried, but we can’t risk—”

“The Bellamy I know would have taken the risk,” she declared and stalked off before she said something she regretted.  She sat down heavily on a log near the fire and stared at the flames, trying to control her rage.  She heard Bellamy march into the brush, presumably to take the watch over from Murphy.

Across from her Echo sat sharpening her sword.  The metallic scrape sounded rhythmically and Clarke tried to let it soothe her, but she was still digging her nails into her palms five minutes later.

Echo glanced up.  “He grieved for you, you know,” she said lowly. She set down her sword and picked up the other one.

“What?” Clarke said, distracted.  She didn’t know why Eligius wanted Madi and she couldn’t stop imagining the worst.   Is she scared?  Does she know I’m coming for her?   How bad has it gotten?

“He grieved for you.  They all did,” Echo said.  “For years.”  She scraped a stone across her blade and looked up again.  “Raven wouldn’t even say your name for the first six months.”

“And?” Clarke sighed.  Everything was fucked up and her heart hurt for her friends but right now, her priority was Madi.  They could sort out their feelings later, when Madi was safe.

“It was hard for them,” Echo continued.  “For all of them, but for him in particular.  He broke his hand once.  Punched a wall until Murphy dragged him away.”

“Because he thought I was dead?”

Echo shrugged.  “Monty said it was your birthday.  I made a guess.”  She balanced the blade on her knees and looked at Clarke directly.  “I got to know him up there.  Very well, in fact.”  In spite of her distraction, Clarke’s stomach twisted at the implication.  They had spent six years together up there and Echo was beautiful.  Clarke wasn’t sure what Bellamy was to her— then or now— but something like jealousy bubbled in her gut.  There was no trace of smirking on Echo’s face, however.  She was simply explaining things to Clarke.

Things about Bellamy.  

So much had changed and Clarke didn’t know how to even begin to unravel it.  But it hurt, she knew that much.

Echo sighed and leaned forward.  “He’s worried about you,” she said.  “He just got you back and you want to go charging head first into danger.  He can’t take it.”

“Can’t take what?”

Echo picked her sword back up and dropped her gaze.  “Losing you.  Again.”

bellarke gilmore girls AU (sneak peek)

It was 7:00am on a Monday, and Clarke Griffin already needed another cup of coffee. The best place to get coffee in Walden Hollow, Clarke knew, was not the third wave espresso bar on North Avenue, nor the diner on Main Street. It wasn’t even Maya’s Pies, though Maya certainly brewed a decent cup. The best place to get coffee was a little bookstore half a mile from her house.

The bookstore didn’t have a sign, it didn’t even have a name. It was Bellamy’s place, and everyone in the town of Walden Hollow knew Bellamy. Bellamy Blake had lived there his entire life, and had inherited the small storefront from his mother. It used to be a simple cafe, with a few stools in the window and a smattering of mismatched tables, but when Bellamy took over he had expanded the space into the former candy shop next door.  

The interior of the store still held a few tables and chairs, including a row of barstools along the window, but the majority of the space was reserved for the tall oak bookshelves that were lined along the back walls. Not many of the seats were occupied so early in the morning. Jasper and Monty, resident college aged troublemakers, were working on a “school project” at a table in the corner. Charlotte, a thing girl with blonde pigtails, loitered amid the shelves, bopping her feet to the music in her headphones. Bellamy’s morning had been extremely still and peaceful so far. Clarke broke the silence, breezing towards the counter as the chime on the door rang cheerfully behind her.

“Please, Bell,” she begged, “Please please please.”

Keep reading

insanityclings  asked:

Headcanon: Madi is going to know what everyone looks like before meeting them because Clarke will have spent her days on earth drawing them. She draws Bellamy most of all…. and Madi tells Bellamy about all the stories Clarke told her of his bravery and strength and basically how Clarke mooned over him (radio calls and all). Madi is totally going to be a massive Bellarke shipper - I'm calling it now. She'll parent trap them if she has to.

Ya’ll are legitimately trying to kill me, my expectations are so high right now…

Don’t Leave Me Again.

Small, unbeta’ed fics. One for every hiatus day. Mostly canon-verse.
Read the whole collection of fics here.
Day 8: 1 June 2017 √

She is lying on the couch, sketching the river they found the other day and a map to remember how to get there again when Madi storms in the room and startles her.

“Clarke! You need you come! Now!” The girl says loudly from the door, eyes filled with panic.

Clarke quickly places her sketchbook next to her and runs to her friend, “What is it?” She asks worried.

Madi doesn’t even answer. She grabs Clarke’s wrist and tugs her towards the exit of the lab and outside. Clarke doesn’t resists much, she runs behind the girl carefully not to lose her footing.

“Madi, what happened?” Clarke asks again, looking around them as the girl guides her through the forest.

The girl glances at Clarke over her shoulder, “I think I hurt a new nightblood.” She explains, voice low and scared.

Clarke stops and Madi almost falls from getting pulled back with Clarke’s hand. She turns to face her, “A new one?” Clarke asks surprised.

Madi nods, “Yes. I haven’t seen him before. He must have came to this side the past few days we were away. He came from behind me startled and I hit him on the face. He fell back and hit his head on a rock.” She explains panicked. “Come on, Clarke. We’re almost there.” Madi insists and waves Clarke to follow her as she turns away again.

They stop running a minute or two later but no one is there. “He should have been here.” The young girl tells, searching around for the man she hit.

“Maybe he got scared and ran away.” Clarke proposes, standing by Madi’s side.

The girl lowers her gaze to the ground, “I’m sorry, Clarke. I didn’t mean to scare him. Or hurt him.”

Clarke knees down to Madi’s height and hold her from her shoulders, “Hey. It’s okay. He will probably come back soon. Maybe he has his own group of nightbloods and went to tell them-”

“Clarke?” A voice from behind them calls and Clarke’s heart stops beating. Her eyes open wide from the shock and all the memories come back at once, making her want to blast off with joy.

She slowly turns around, afraid that he won’t be there and that her mind is playing games with her again. But all her fears go away as she meets those chocolate eyes again after six years. 

He stands there, frozen and staring at her. he hasn’t changed much, his hair are shorter than now and he has lost a lot of weight. He has grown to be a handsome twenty-nine years old man just like she had imagined him to be.

Neither of them seem to be able to move. They just stand there, staring at each other and hoping that the other will make the first move. At the end, it’s Clarke’s leg that take her to him. She crashes on him a moment after he opens his arms for her, burying her face in his neck and arms wound around it, squeezing his so tight as if he will slip through her grip soon.

His arms go around her back, lifting her off the ground floor and holding her tight against him. A moment never allowed himself to dream because he knew it would never happened. Never in his life he was so happy he was wrong.

“You’re alive.” He whispers in her hair, burying his face farther into them till his lips touch her neck too. “You’re alive.” He repeats again and again till his voice dies and his eyes burn with  fat tears.

Clarke is crying too, soundlessly but nonstop too. “You came back. I knew you would.” She says against his brown skin, a color she wished she to have when drawing with charcoal.

Suddenly Bellamy’s knees can no longer hold them up and together they sink on the ground, still holding and crying tears of joy and relief. It’s Clarke the one letting go first and she leans back just enough to rest her forehead against his and cup his face, caressing his face.

One of Bellamy’s hands lift up and cup the side of her neck, caressing the soft skin there. They both are out of air, breathing heavily and staring at each others eyes. “I missed you so much.” Clarke whispers, wiping away the blood from the wound on side of his face, “I have been waiting for this moment for-”

She never finished her sentence. Because Bellamy pushes forward and  crashes his lips on hers, kissing every bit of them like it’s the only thing that keep him alive. Maybe it was and he didn’t know it till now.

“I thought you were dead.” He says between the kisses, “I thought you were dead and I would never get to do this.”

Clarke smiles against his lips and slowly pulls back, wiping away the tears from his cheek, “I’m here.” She sighs, “I’m here now. Please don’t leave me again.”

2,199 Days and You’re home.

Warning, this is probably going to be a long but cute asf fanfiction!


Clarke had never loved anyone as she had loved Bellamy, watching that rocket and knowing he was on his way to safety, she felt relief wash over her. She didn’t mind dying as long as it meant the people she cared for went on. Clarke had been sure the radiation would kill her, the memory of the searing pain she felt from her bubbling skin, the feeling of the burning blood choking up in her throat would forever be planted in her mind. She’d been so sure she’d die that day, dying on a dying planet. But then Madi found her, the girl only young then, barely able to take care of herself let alone nursing Clarke until she was at full health. Those were some of the most painful days of her life. Not just the radiation seeping through her but the fact that she’d let Bellamy go, she wouldn’t see him for years to come, no more warm hugs reminding her of home, no more playful smile crossing his face even though she knew he wanted to be mad at her. Everyone she loved so far from her but they were safe and that’s all Clarke could ask for.

Keep reading

Silver, Flint, and Billy would all be

dead if not for Madi, so try being more respectful to her, she saved your faves lives. She made Silver see how fucking stupid he was not getting his leg tended to, she reasoned with her Mom to delay her from killing them all until she spoke with Mr. Scott about them. She secured the weapons needed to help them win this battle with the British, she fought in the war her damn self. But she’s hated because she’s coming in between your fanon ship. Or she’s only speculated about as the “Miranda” of this Silver/Flint relationship. How sway? SHE’S A FUCKING QUEEN FFS. I’m tired of going in her tag and seeing people asking for her to be killed off when she’s done nothing to deserve this hate.

Not your coffee shop AU

(A joking comment by @sometimesrosy turned into a canon/crack/fluff story I had to get out of my head).

Bellamy rubbed the back of his neck as he continued to process everything he was seeing.

“Wow… you were busy while I was away.”

Clarke smiled wanly and shrugged. They were almost finished the tour of the green patch where she and Madi had been living. Bellamy didn’t need a tour of the small cabins that could be found littered across the green spot since he’d already seen them.

Stops had included the outskirts of the conservation area Clarke and Madi had marked, for where the animals they hunted lived; the garden where they grew their meals; the gazebo where they ate outdoors on warm nights; the house they built where they would spend their nights; the workshop where Madi and Clarke had a space away from the elements to mend furniture or build the fittings for new structures; and the storehouse where they kept materials and stored food.

There was just one building left to visit.

—-

“Madi did you forget to clean the eavestroughs?” bellowed Clarke down the stairs of their home.

Madi came bounding up the stairs to defend herself. “I did them yesterday! Why? Oh…”

The puddle in the upstairs room was growing larger as water spilled into the room thanks to the wind and rain for the current storm.

They exchanged a look before they started talking over one another.

“-I told you we have to keep this area under control”

“-it grows too fast! By the time I finished they were half full again!”

The sound of thunder shook the room and both Madi and Clarke stopped their argument. This storm wasn’t going to end any time soon. They both got to work sealing off the window as fast as they could.

—-

Clarke stood at the edge of the green spot and frowned. The suddenness of the edge was off-putting. A lush green landscape instantly cut to crumbling loose soil and charred leftovers from another time. It was as if the green spot had been dropped there from out of nowhere.

The only thing more off-putting was how fast the green spot changed. In a land that had just been on fire for a year it didn’t make sense for a forest to be this big - until you saw first hand how fast it grew.

And it made getting lost all the easier.

—-

“Clarke you need to lift higher!”

Grunting, Clarke pushed the plank of wood higher into the air and then started to feel it reverberate as Madi got to work nailing it into the posts they had installed earlier.

It was her plan so she couldn’t complain. They needed places to stay when they couldn’t make it back in time to their home before sundown.

“OK you can stop now!” Madi said in a sing song voice and Clarke let go of the board - now safely attached to its new home.

They both stood back and smiled. Just the roof was left and then their sixth cabin would be complete.

“Want to build something fun next?”

Madi’s ear to ear grin was a clear yes.

—-

Clarke stood frozen in place. Her eyes wide with disbelief.

Bellamy.

Madi was standing between them saying something very quickly. About finding him in one of their cabins? Clarke wasn’t sure, she wasn’t paying attention.

Bellamy’s eyes were wide too. That first look of apprehension he’d had before he caught a glimpse of her had turned to disbelief and now a look Clarke knew too well was starting to fill his eyes.

Clarke started to step forward to assuage him of his guilt. Her movement broke the spell they had both been under, and Bellamy launched forward towards her, quickly enveloping her in his arms, hugging her tightly.

—-

“Alright Clarke, what is this building?” Bellamy asked as he looked at the peculiarly shaped shack.

It didn’t look like any of the other buildings. It had a patio in front of it, partially shaded by an overhang. Like every building in the area it was surrounded by flowers, but it also had its own small garden with plants he did not recognize. The building itself was too small for storage and too close to the main house to be another sleeping area.

Clarke bit her lip a bit and then turned to look at Bellamy. “Madi and I wanted somewhere to relax that is indoors that wasn’t the house, and we needed to use up all this wood in the area because it kept growing back really fast”

Bellamy nodded, still staring at the building with a perplexed look on his face.

Clarke took a breath and then continued, still looking at Bellamy. “It’s a coffee shop.”

Bellamy raised his eyebrow and turned to meet Clarke’s stare.

“With real coffee?”

“Yes… well, as close as we can make.”

Bellamy nodded slowly, as a half smile started to form on his face.

“Well then, let’s go grab a coffee. What do you say?”

Madi’s “No!”

Analysis post. Warning: 4x09 spoilers

“But I hear other voices, a chorus of voices, multitudes.They reach back centuries. Men and women  and children who’d lost their lives to men like you.
Men and women and children forced to wear your chains. I must answer to them and - this war, their war, Flint’s war, my war -  it will not be bargained away to avoid a fight, to save John Silver’s life, or his men’s, or mine.”

I’ve discussed and read opinions on several sources from viewers on Madi’s arc. I’ve expressed my hopes where it could be going since 4x06. I’ve expressed my opinion on Madi’s choice in 4x09. But this post isn’t about that. Just an analysis in reflection of how Madi has dealt with losses since 4x01. For me this “No” is not just a “No”, but expresses a willingness to martyr and sacrifice Silver, his men and her own life for the war.

Now obviously she lacks some crucial information such as the amount of runaway slaves there are Maroon Island at present. She has not heard Julius’ words. It actually matters little, because her “No!” comes from the purest conviction about herself and what she is willing to giving up. Madi started out as a sheltered girl with little to no contact to the outside world, and the sole violence she truly consciously experienced before the S3 finale was that of the Maroon men torturing and hunting pirates and sailors that ended up on the Maroon Island by accident, which she recognizes as lawful defense. Until S4 the sole loss she truly experienced was the death of her father, who had been absent for the last 12 years. Certainly from the first episode in S4, Madi quickly experiences heartfelt losses.

Losing Silver

During the invasion, she experiences defeat, witnesses John fall into the water and never surface again, sees her men and Silver’s men being picked off. We know from the flashback that if she was a no good pirate, she’d follow Silver into anything and anywhere. She loves him and she admires him. And she is shocked, broken hearted and devestated by his seeming death.

She holds out hope that Silver may still have been saved or resurfaced and makes it to the beach, where Flint and Madi wait for the last uncaptured survivors to arrive with the longboats.

Her hope is crushed, and first we see her from behind, looking out over the sea, as if she is saying goodbye to Silver.

Next, we see her cry for Silver from the right angle, “looking right”. She grieves. And finally we get a view from the left angle, “looking left”, where she decides to move onwards with the war.

Because in the next scene we see her, at Miranda’s house the first thing she asks Flint is whether the war is over now.

Madi: “Is it over?” 

Flint: “Is what over?” 

Madi: “You looked into my mother’s eyes  and you said a great war lay ahead of us, one in which pirates and slaves would stand together  and strike a blow that might shake the very foundation  of the British Empire. Now our ships are gone, our army is fractured, battered and beaten. And the only man among you I trusted is dead. I’m asking you if this war died with him.”

Madi does not stop grieving, or loves Silver no less than he does her, per her response when she learns that Silver is alive and when she sees him again. And just prior to learning that he is alive, she tells Eme, “I lost more than you can know.”

What we do learn and what Madi learns in 4x01 is that, despite loving Silver as much as he loves her, she can live with his loss, that she can sacrifice him for her war. So, when Silver asks her in 4x05, “If this goes away, Flint’s war, if it all ended and we had to walk away from it would I be enough for you?” we actually know her answers since 4x01. Hence, “You know what? You don’t have to answer that.”

When Madi says she will not bargain away a fight to save Silver’s life, Madi means it. Nor will Madi ever regret sacrificing Silver, which is why she is pitted against Woodes Rogers in 4x09 who is haunted by regret for his choice. If Woodes could go back in time and undo his choice, he would.

His men (and his means) and her men

Of course, if Madi can sacrifice Silver himself, whom she loves, it is as easy for her to sacrifice Silver’s brothers and friends, who she does not love. More, she expects Silver to be able to do that too. This becomes clear when she pushes Silver to get rid of Billy.

She sides with Billy to free the Underhill slaves. She opposes Billy to prevent reprisals on the family and loved ones of the Underhill slaves. Afterwards she pushes Silver to get rid of Billy, to heal and salvage the alliance with the runaway slaves of New Providence and to remove the one voice that urges Silver to follow his own better judgment about the cache and go against Flint.

Fuck Billy! Don’t fuck Billy! Fuck Flint! Don’t fuck Flint!

But Silver loves Madi. Despite the fact that Billy saved them in 4x03 from the soldiers on the roof, helped to retake Nassau, built the resistance for Silver, and totally echoes Silver’s own mind on issues, Silver chooses Madi’s advize who talks and reasons exactly like Flint. Of course, he does it in his own way - severe punishment, and promise to never do it again.

She also lost a large amount of her own people, including Kofi. Madi is indeed very much a monarch in that way. Absolutely everyone and everything can be sacrificed for an idea in her mind (a nation is an abstrahation of people). And she is better at it than Flint even.

In contrast, Silver tries to avoid as much as possible to have blood on his hands. Yes, he was callous in the first two seasons, but he had no attachment to anyone then. The likeliest reason he avoided attachments in the past is how he could not live with sacrificing loved ones and friends. That is why he ultimately is the best quartermaster, and continues to think like one, instead of a king or captain.

And if you took notice, Silver is the diplomat, the man most prone to make deals, to search for a common interest: (S1) over a page from a log, a share and his life with Max, Flint, Randal and Eleanor; (S2) for a share in gold, the Man O War, Flint’s life with Flint, Max and Vane; (S3) the foundation for a deal with the Maroons, even if Flint does the pitch talk; (S4) with Eleanor, Ruth and Julius and Woodes.

Her own life and freedom

Finally, Madi faces death several times - at the Underhill plantation against Billy, against the Spaniard, and Woodes’ barrel of a gun. She loses her own freedom and has seen the might of the world and men taking the freedom away of her people.

She saw New Providence razed. She can perfectly imagine how easily Maroon Island can be torched with thousands of men. She is reminded by Ruth, by Eleanor of the wisdom in making a safe haven for your loved ones and the happiness that could be had in it.

But to her, a safe haven is a temporary illusion easily destroyed by the horrors of the world. A lifetime of horror, violence and brutality makes love, life and the chance of a safe haven so precious to Eleanor that she dies fighting for it, even if she knows it to be an illusion at some level. A lifetime of reading, shelter and love make loss, sacrifice and horror an unavoidable and bearable certainty and necessity. There can be no deal made, no peace had.

And thus Madi’s queenly strength radicalizes into the strength of a martyr, a revolutionist, a suicide bomber. Any of these minds are strong, inpenetrable, and unalterable. And I think we should take that very seriously.

Even if you could kill me,  even if that somehow helped you see her alive again, how are you going to explain it to her? She believes in this as much as I do. You know this. If it costs the war to save her, you’ll have lost her anyway. Even you cannot construct a story to make her forgive you that. You do this, and you’re gonna regret it.