Mixed feelings

Today’s my birthday. I can’t say that I’m sad because I’m not. I mean, after everything that happened I get to celebrate another year on this planet, another fucking year. Congrats for me for not having the guts to take my own life like I thought about so many times.

On the other hand, I don’t really know what to feel, A guy who was in my class in 9th grade passed away yesterday. It’s just not fair. i wasn’t even that close to him, but I just can’t accept the idea that a 19 year old kid passed away, it’s not supposed to happen like that! A few days ago, when he was already in the hospital without any signs of getting better, I watched a video I recorded back when we were in 9th grade and it was so strange to see him there alive, smiling, joking around and doing silly stuff. It feels so surreal to think that he is gone now. I can’t even imagine what his family is going through, 

Some people think about death as the ending of everyting but I don’t, acually. It’s more than right that he is not among us anymore and it’s unfair as hell and just should never happen to anyone so young. But he will always stay alive through memories. He will never be forgotten by the ones who truly loved and cherished him, because those people will need the memories to survive, not to feel so much pain. Because everytime they start to feel like it’s impossible to go on, memories will be there to help. The simple thought of his smile or something he said that they never forgot. In that way, our loved ones never die. I want to believe that. 

May you rest in peace, Paulo, you will be missed.

Please keep Paulo and his family in all of your thoughts and prayers, they really need it right now.