amazing to see the progress of something. Looking at old pictures you see how
much you changed through the years. Looking at your old exercise book you can
see how your writing changed as you grew older. Being an artist has the perk of
seeing how your art changed through the bad and good times in your life. I
started drawing things when I was little. I know, this is what little children
do, draw princesses and cats, but I drew almost everything. My mom has a huge
box full of my early “artworks”, portraits of my dolls, my mom and my brother,
I often sat in front of the TV and drew my favorite characters. Of course these
were mostly horrible drawings, but some of them were recognizable. Then my mom
thought it would be good if I could go to an art school, so I could become a
painting was my passion. I drew on the school bus, during lunch, at home, at
night. I always had a sketchbook and a pen with me. What people photographed, I
drew or painted it. When I became a teenager I started to express my feeling
through art. I had a lot of dark pieces through my early teenage years, I didn’t
handle becoming a young woman easily, you can tell. Then my artworks changed
when I went to high school and I met my friends. I had other problems that
time, my parents divorcing, the threat of the future… I painted my fears and
When I was
twenty I had my first ever exhibition. My mom told me that an owner of a gallery
found her and asked if I wanted to exhibit a few of my paintings and other
things. I would have been stupid to say no, this is every artist’s dream. You
could see the progress of my life, I chose the best ones, and I decided to have
a whole room just for one theme. My boyfriend, Nate.
started back when we were only sixteen years old. I met him at a club my
friends dragged me to. That’s not a place where girls like me likes to go, and
you could tell that I wasn’t enjoying myself. I wasn’t one for short skirts and
wild dancing. I stack out with my flannel shirt, jeans and boots. I didn’t do
much other than just sit at a barstool and just watch the people. I did a few
sketch to a napkin and I wasn’t even paying attention to what was happening
when he came up to me.
pretty dope,” he said sitting down next to me, looking at the sketches. I just
want me to draw you?” I asked smiling. He chuckled and nodded.
“Do I have
to stay still?”
used to moving models.” I made a quick sketch of him portraying him looking at
me through the club lights.
amazing,” he told me looking at the drawing.
keep it,” I told him sighing and looking over to my friends who were still on
the dance floor.
but I think something is missing in that case.” I turned to him with furrowed
eyebrows. I didn’t understand what he was talking about, so he helped me out. “You
as I realized the situation. Thinking that I had nothing to lose I wrote my
number down and gave it to him.
through the whole night until my friends decided to go. Then I said goodbye and
he promised me to call me the next day. He did. This napkin with his portrait
and my number on it was the first piece I framed to the gallery.
Nate and I
started to date soon after our first meeting. We were quite different, but I
guess this is why we were a good match. At the beginning it was just like any
other teenage loves. He took me out sometimes, we went to parties together, I
listened to him rapping with his friends and watched him skateboard. We had
fights, but nothing serious, we were happy and balanced. From that time I had a
painting of him sitting on my bedroom floor and reading a book I gave him. He wasn’t
one for reading just for fun, but he stretched a point this time. I loved how
he was focusing on the pages and I just had to paint him. This was a colorful
and simple portrait, just like how our relationship was at that time.
Then as a
year passed by things got complicated. Nate’s career was ascendant, and I
swear, I couldn’t be happier for him, but he had to be away a lot. I had
different curses almost every month and sometimes I was the one who had to be
gone while he was at home. We started to fight over stupid things and both of
us were stressed almost all the time. In addition, I had to start to build my
portfolio up to my college application, it had every free moment of my life.
believe we can’t meet for more than a month,” I said trying to fight my tears
back. We were at his bedroom, just over another fight because he told me he can’t
come home as we were expecting.
baby, I’m sorry,” he whispered caressing my cheeks gently. “But we can make it.”
I took a
deep breath and forced myself to smile even though I just wanted to scream from
the top of my lungs. I nodded and wrapping my arms around his neck I was ready
to never let him go. But that was impossible.
I couldn’t sleep, so I took my sketchbook out and did several quick sketches of
him sleeping peacefully in the bed. I framed all of them in one, this was the
second one. It didn’t have any colors, any happiness in it. It was just him and
my desperation for capturing the moment of him still being there.
started to be more famous with each day and the media became a factor in our
lives, there came the next artwork. I got into college, so I moved to Los
Angeles, meaning we could meet more since he was basically living there. So our
distance problem got solved, but fans took that place in our life. Girls did
not like the idea of him having a serious relationship, they all wanted a
chance with him, they hit on him at clubs and flirted with him no matter what,
it didn’t stop them that I was right there holding his hand. They went on and
on forever about how I wasn’t the one for Nate, how different we were and most
of them wanted us to break up. I tried to not let those rumors and gossips get
to me, but some of them were so realistic that I couldn’t think straight.
wanna come to my concert tonight?” Nate greeted me when I answered the phone. I
just finished reading an article about how he was drinking shots with a
brunette last night, and I was clearly mad at him.
know, maybe you should take your brunette side chick,” I sassed back at him.
are you talking about?” he asked confused.
gorgeous girl you drank shots with yesterday when it was a boys night out.”
came up to us and bought us a few drinks saying she was a fan. I didn’t want to
be rude, baby, but nothing happened, I promise.”
like this happened quite often between us, and I knew damn well that he would
never cheat on me, but sometimes I just lost my mind. I felt like an idiot to
start it again, but those photos just got me crazy.
know,” I quietly said knowing there was no point in fighting over it again.
told you not to read anything, those are bullshit!”
“I know, I
just… Never mind. When does the concert start?” I asked trying to close the
topic for once and a while.
pick you up at eight, okay?”
be waiting. I love you.”
“I love you
I went to the concert with him and watched him from backstage as he performed
to the screaming crowd that came out just for him. I sat there watching the
people and how many of them were there. I did what I always did, took my
sketchbook out and draw him standing in the huge crowd and then I made a
miniature me to the corner of the paper signaling how other people started to
get between us. The whole drawing was dark and blurry, just like how I felt the
last bigger piece was one from the days when we finally moved together. It took us
some time to make this decision, but I’m glad we did it. Things got easier when
we got to come home to the same place and we could sleep together almost every
night. I made a drawing of us sleeping tangled up, I did it just from the
memory of his touch on my skin, it took me a whole week to finish it, I
memorized the way his arms were around me every night and during the day I just
draw it until I felt like it was perfect. It had colors, but not that many,
just a few to make it more realistic, because that’s what I wanted to show with
this piece. That we were real.
these drawings and paintings I had some from the meantime, doodles, paintings I
did just for fun, but the model was always Nate. I couldn’t forget that he
usually got insecure when he knew I was drawing him, but like I gave a fuck, I didn’t
stop. He was my biggest inspiration.
to go home?” I heard his voice as I was standing in front of the napkin. The
opening was over and all the guests left, it was just the two of us.
smiled at him. He stepped to me and put his arms around me.
that I’m really proud of you? It’s amazing what you are capable of,” he said
kissing my forehead.
but it couldn’t happen without you.” He grinned at me and captured my lips in a
sweet and caring kiss.
the bastard you like to draw,” he said chuckling and giving me one more peck on
the lips. “Come on baby girl, let’s get your artistic ass to bed.” He held my
hand and we started to walk out of the gallery. He opened the door for me, but
before I stepped out I stopped and looked at him.
that probably I will draw you tonight while you are sleeping?” I asked raising
my eyebrows at him. He smirked at me kissing my forehead again.
baby. What do you think, why did I shave? I want to look good on that damn
portrait once in a lifetime.”
I use to say I am engaged in ‘the wooden mimos in my shelf essay’… This is Part #1… a variant I’ve created inspired by a little wooden sculpture I bought many years ago from Brasilia UNICEF shop… This took me a life!… It has been quite a journey… I made the sketch in August 2012 as a 'tomorrow project’… I knew then it would be a long way to go… lots of tools to manage, many new skills to learn… I finally resumed it this year… Some stroke trials in January, some other in March, and then embraced it hardly this May to offer an 'every day is Mothers Day’ gift to my family and friends… I keep walking with this essay in extra small steps… I know I will enjoy the whole project even though it takes another life, or two, or more … I think this project will make me live forever…
[I drew this with a Bamboo stylus, an old iPhone model, and Sketch Club watercolour brush and calligraphy pen tools. I used a second layer for the background put to colour fill]
[illustration made with SketchClub by czannon]… from ‘my 68th year daily report’…