Recently, I’ve been a bit absent on tumblr. I’m sorry for this. I’ve just been feeling a bit down lately.
To start, running has not been going well. I’m consatnly in pain. And while, I’ve tried to push past the pain, I don’t think I can anymore. I constantly get messages on here asking, “Mels, my _______ is hurting, should I still run on it?” And I always am consisitent with my answer: “no.” Yet, through the past month, I’ve completely ignored everything I believe.
I have been so desperate to run and train hard, that I’ve completely ignored my body. Every time I go to practice, all I can think about is, “Okay, I know it hurts, but you need to train.” I’ve been letting so much guilt take over me, that I can’t even comfort my body, the machine that has led me to so many great memories in my life. Every day, my body, my machine has done nothing but strenuous work for me, just to stay alive. Yet, here I am ignoring it’s cry and pain because I “HAVE” to train.
Every time I feel such great pain where my body has to stop, I feel horrible. I feel guilty, anxious, nervous and almost depressed. I feel as though I’m letting my team down, my family down, my coaches down and most importantly, my self down. I am continuously saying, “THIS SUCKS, THIS CAN’T HAPPEN, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. It’s my senior year, this is my LAST chance, my last year, my last oppurtunity to prove myself.” But is it? Yes, it’s my last year of high school, but is it my last oppurtunity to achieve great things? No.
Who knows what the future holds? I don’t, that’s for sure. Am I going to run in college? I don’t know. Am I going to be a pro runner? Probably not. So why am I so hard on myself? Why is this my “last” chance? The thing about running is, you can do it at anytime in your life. And even if you stop, it’s always something you can come back to. Running is so much more than the “right times,” the “perfect races,” the “number one on the team,” the “winner” or the “loser.” Running is SO much more. And it means something different to everyone. There is no “perfect runner.” The runner that you are, IS perfect.
Like I said, running will always be there whether I am racing competitively with a team, running a half marathon with friends, jogging to my favorite coffee shop, biking because I’m injured, ultra running or just running for absoultely no reason. Running doesn’t have to have a reason, and that’s why it’s so great. That is why so many people enjoy it and that is why so many people do not. Running is whatever you make of it.
So why am I saying “this is my last chance?” Because it’s not. Like I said before, who knows what the future holds? No one. But I can say that running for me is not over. And even if I can’t run my whole entire senior year, I have the rest of my life to replace it.
Finally realizing and excepting this truth, I am making a vow to myself. I am no longer going to push my body aside, treating it as some useless possesion I found in the back of my closet. My body, my machine, is unremarkable. And for once, it deserves to be treated rightfully. No more guilt. No more “last chance.” No more “I regret running when I was hurting.” It’s time for me to take my own advice. And it’s time for me to learn, to grow and to look at life as a bigger picture. Running will always be here for me, as long as I am here for my body.
*alert alert* Florence + The Machine are actually considering to finish Paper Massacre! This is NO drill! I repeat,this is NO DRILL! This was confirmed by FATM’s drummer Chris today! Flo didn’t want to but has apparently changed her mind! *heart attack*