Here are all the Dragon Age companions in a nutshell:
Alistair: Your senior officer who is so scared of taking charge that he pretends you’re the senior officer. You can make him king.
Morrigan: Antisocial witch who totally turns into a spider just to fuck with Alistair. Will probably hold her nose and boink him later.
Leliana: Ex-nun that murders people and tells you bedtime stories.
Sten: Murders a whole family. One of your more reliable companions.
Shale: A fashion-conscious, bird-hating rock.
Wynne: Magical possessed Grandma. <3
Zevran: Failed to kill you. Tries to seduce you instead.
Oghren: Drinks so much that you forget he has other personality traits. You probably made him kill his wife.
Dog: Who’s a good boy?! You are! Yes, you are!
Loghain: Doesn’t know why he’s here and frankly kind of wishing you just killed him.
Anders: All he wanted was to leave the giant tower he was trapped in and not be murdered. Jury’s out on how well that worked out.
Oghren: Still drunk. He left his new wife so he could kill more things with you.
Nathaniel: He’s forced into the club because ‘some of your best friends have tried to kill you,’ and frankly he’s concerned.
Velanna: Fuck all you shem. She’s only here because she’s looking for her sister. Also her ears aren’t that big.
Justice: He doesn’t know what he’s doing but you seem like a good sort so he’ll follow you like a confused and rotting spirit puppy.
Sigrun: For a dead woman, she is the peppiest of the bunch. Will set Justice’s corpse spasms to music.
Dragon Age 2:
Carver: Fuck you. Oh wait… maybe less fuck you. Or maybe he’s the fucker all along.
Bethany: She loves you. Oh wait… no, she still loves you, even if you’re a prick.
Aveline: Please follow the law. Please stop dragging her into your illegal messes. She just wants to be a good guard captain.
Varric: He is writing all this shit down to tell embarrassing stories later.
Anders: VIVE LA RÉSISTANCE! Also, Fenris can go fuck himself.
Fenris: Murder ALL the mages. Also, Anders can go fuck himself.
Merrill: The naive fish out of water from every romantic comedy, except she makes blood pacts with demons.
Isabela: FLIRT FLIRT FLIRT runs away with life-saving relic FLIRT SOME MORE.
Sebastian: A priest who accidentally joined a gang.
Cassandra: Best tank. Could probably have a faith spirit in her head and you couldn’t tell the difference.
Blackwall: Liar liar beard on fire.
Solas: Liar liar egg on fire. Plus racism.
Iron Bull: Is literally called ‘liar’ and doesn’t lie to you for the whole main game.
Varric: He has finally reached a point where even if he tells this story honestly, no one will ever believe him.
Vivienne: She will make you classy or so help her–
Dorian: Someone stop his country from embarrassing itself again please.
Sera: Down with the bourgeoisie, except not so far down that we can’t steal from them.
Cole: Is even worse that this than Justice. You love your weirdo spirit puppy anyway.
Leliana: Someone said something mean? Cut out their tongue.
Josephine: Please just talk to people. Her life would be so much easier if you did.
Cullen: Can’t escape this franchise no matter how far he runs.