Craig Tucker was not religious in any sense of the term, but money was money, and Eric Cartman was convincing. Becoming a cheesy sideshow of a falsified church was not his idea of a good time, but a wild encounter he’d never have expected might turn that around.
Hey guys so uhhh I definitely wrote this. Imp Tweek x Youth Pastor Craig has kind of exploded and I wanted to join in on the fun but since drawing isn’t really my thing, I figured writing would have to do. I actually like this one despite it being cracky so hopefully you guys do too! Link to AO3 here! Here’s some uhh, yeah. Some of this. Special thanks to Phone Destroyer for gifting us these ridiculous AUs.
Note: alternatively titled ‘The Gayte To Hell.’ I loved myself too much to actually go through with it, sorry.
Performing fake exorcisms and reading off the same script twice a week in a rotation of four major themes was not how Craig expected his adolescence to go. Surely, he thought, there would be one or two summer flings which would end in melodramatic heartbreak, and a few obsessions to cycle through in ridiculous phases he’d insist were not phases. Yet here he was, stuck in the sweltering heat of a church’s atrium, fanning himself with a promotional pamphlet and doodling in his notebook that was supposed to be filled with notes. It wasn’t; it was filled with more doodles.
“And Butters, I want to hear those bells next time, got it? The bells are important. Everyone loves the bells!”
“U-uh, yes Eric, sir,” Butters stuttered, and Craig huffed as he rolled his eyes. He could have been getting drunk at Clyde’s right now. He could have been stuffed in a closet with someone hot right now. He could have been losing his virginity right now. Those were fantasies, though, and right now, Craig liked money, and he liked cheating people out of said money. Cartman’s undeniably for-profit church fit that bill, and so here he stayed, seventeen and devoted to a God he did not believe in.
I want to share something I’ve noticed (and keep in mind I’m writing this essay at 2 in the fucking morning so my grammar is off)
What you will find here is a screencap from the new south park game “Phone Destroyer” (I know it looks weird but stick with me)
And now you’er probably wondering why I have this, well, Dear Watson, it is because i noticed something. I have cropped this image to make it easier (in a sense) to notice
Do you see this Shit. Capitalized this because it is a big deal for me. It is my darling boy Tweek throwing upon my boy Craig Tucker. It’s weird, I know. But for those of you who do not believe they have no feelings towards each other and for those who do believe there is after my new favorite episode called “Tweek x Craig”, I have something to either fuel the fire or make you reconsider based on your stance->
So, for those who don’t remember/ know, we have another boy from out quite little mountain town of South Park who was prone to throwing up in suck a projectile fashion and his name is Stan Marsh. And he did it most often in front ofhis crush Wendy Testaburger!