I think I’m edging to a new stage in my transition. I’m looking more & more female - shedding my old masculine features - and I feel great, but I’m not sounding the part, so to speak.
I was hoping the physical transition and immersion would help me affect more feminine characteristics. But it seems it’s harder to let go of old behaviors than I thought.
My voice is deeper than I’d like. I know there’s voice coaching, but I neither have the drive nor the means. I just don’t know if I want to spend every conversation manipulating my vocal chords into higher pitches.
Maybe with practice I’d be able to naturally reach that pitch all the time. I don’t know, seems like a stretch. My priority has been less about pitch and more about incorporating behavioral characteristics into my personality in order to maintain authenticity. What I mean is, I don’t want to alter my voice and behavior in such a way that I sound like a cartoon. That would defeat the purpose of transitioning into what I know to be a more natural state for me.
On the other hand, maybe I should take that leap, let myself seem ridiculous in order to find a more authentic balance, similar to what I went through early this year when I phased from looking masculine to appearing, or attempting to appear, feminine.
I hesitate to post this because cis people have a difficult time relating transgender issues - naturally, and that’s okay - and I don’t feel like I’m doing well at making the situation relatable. Paradoxes go into transitioning, and I’ve seen critics try to hang trans people by their words. Hormone therapy isn’t magic medicine that unlocks a cache of latent gender knowledge. As an adult going through this, that means undergoing a sort of second puberty, including finding out through trial-and-error like a teenager how to develop a fulfilling sense of self. And yeah, yeah, cis adults also deal with stuff like this. I’ve heard it before. But in this, so many little behavioral characteristics have to be re-written to suit the person I want/need to be - the person who I wish could have always lived as female - and I can’t seem to let go of old characteristics that I subconsciously developed to live as male. I don’t think I’m doing a good enough job of undergoing that aspect of the transition.