In all fairness, you were warned. The Amazon description for sugar-free Haribo Gummy Bears reads, in part: “This product is a sugarless/sugarfree item with ingredients that can cause intestinal distress if eaten in excess.”
“Intestinal distress,” in this case, might be an understatement for what a series of viral Amazon reviews call, “trumpets calling the demons back to Hell,” “guttural pronouncement so loud it threatened to drown out my own voice,” and “100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM.”
So why is it that gummy bears, an otherwise delicious, springy snack, become so sphincter-confounding once the sugar is removed?