TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
- Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
- There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
- Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music for longer than they would ordinarily.
- There is no music in space.
- People will pay to watch people make sounds.
- Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
LIFE ON EARTH:
- Men like pastries, women like custards.
- Scientists have invented a love drug, but it only works on bugs.
- Animals like earthquakes, tornadoes and volcanic activity.
- Nuclear weapons can wipe out life on Earth, if used properly.
- Cats like houses better than people.
- Dolphins find people amusing, but they don’t want to talk to them.
- People look ridiculous when they’re in ecstasy.
- Schools are for training people how to listen to other people.
- Body odor is the window to the soul.
- Sound is worth money.
LIVING WITH OTHER PEOPLE:
- Violence on television only affects children whose parents act like television personalities.
- Table manners are for people who have nothing better to do.
- Civilization is a religion.
- Civilized people walk funny.
- There is always a party going on somewhere.
- People will remember you better if you always wear the same outfit.
THE SPACE PEOPLE:
- Space People read our mail.
- The Space People think that TV news programs are comedies, and that soap operas are news.
- The Space People will contact us when they can make money by doing so.
- The Space People think factories are musical instruments.
- They sing along with them.
- Each song lasts from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.
- No music on weekends.
- People will do odd things if you give them money.
- When everything is worth money, then money is worth nothing.
- If you keep your money in your shoe, then people will know which bills are yours.
- If you crumple your money into little balls, it will never stick together.
- The best way to touch money is by the edges.
- U.S. money is the worst looking money in the world.
- Passport pictures are what people really look like.
- Rich people will travel great distances to look at poor people.
- Toast is the national dish of Australia.
- People never travel to look at flat landscapes.
- People would rather watch things than eat.
- Looking at postcards is better than looking at the real thing.
- Looking up is as scary as looking down.
IN THE FUTURE:
- In the future, women will have breasts all over.
- In the future, it will be a relief to find a place without culture.
- In the future, plates of food will have names and titles.
- Crime is a job.
- Sex is a job.
- Growing up is a job.
- School is a job.
- Going to parties is a job.
- Religion is a job.
- Being creative is a job.
- Drugs affect children the opposite way they affect adults.
- Adults think with their mouths open.