luv good liner notes

TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:

  • Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
  • There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
  • Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music for longer than they would ordinarily.
  • There is no music in space.
  • People will pay to watch people make sounds.
  • Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.

LIFE ON EARTH:

  • Men like pastries, women like custards.
  • Scientists have invented a love drug, but it only works on bugs.
  • Animals like earthquakes, tornadoes and volcanic activity.
  • Nuclear weapons can wipe out life on Earth, if used properly.
  • Cats like houses better than people.
  • Dolphins find people amusing, but they don’t want to talk to them.
  • People look ridiculous when they’re in ecstasy.
  • Schools are for training people how to listen to other people.
  • Body odor is the window to the soul.
  • Sound is worth money.

LIVING WITH OTHER PEOPLE:

  • Violence on television only affects children whose parents act like television personalities.
  • Table manners are for people who have nothing better to do.
  • Civilization is a religion.
  • Civilized people walk funny.
  • There is always a party going on somewhere.
  • People will remember you better if you always wear the same outfit.

THE SPACE PEOPLE:

  • Space People read our mail.
  • The Space People think that TV news programs are comedies, and that soap operas are news.
  • The Space People will contact us when they can make money by doing so.
  • The Space People think factories are musical instruments.
  • They sing along with them.
  • Each song lasts from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.
  • No music on weekends.

MONEY:

  • People will do odd things if you give them money.
  • When everything is worth money, then money is worth nothing.
  • If you keep your money in your shoe, then people will know which bills are yours.
  • If you crumple your money into little balls, it will never stick together.
  • The best way to touch money is by the edges.
  • U.S. money is the worst looking money in the world.

WORLD TRAVEL:

  • Passport pictures are what people really look like.
  • Rich people will travel great distances to look at poor people.
  • Toast is the national dish of Australia.
  • People never travel to look at flat landscapes.
  • People would rather watch things than eat.
  • Looking at postcards is better than looking at the real thing.
  • Looking up is as scary as looking down.

IN THE FUTURE:

  • In the future, women will have breasts all over.
  • In the future, it will be a relief to find a place without culture.
  • In the future, plates of food will have names and titles.

WORK:

  • Crime is a job.
  • Sex is a job.
  • Growing up is a job.
  • School is a job.
  • Going to parties is a job.
  • Religion is a job.
  • Being creative is a job.

GROWING UP:

  • Drugs affect children the opposite way they affect adults.
  • Adults think with their mouths open.