This might not look like much, but this is over a half gram split between the two of us. We had to enjoy each other’s company and make the most of it tonight because P is going in tomorrow to squash a warrant, so he might be in jail for a few days or possibly longer, which means he will be withdrawing in there unless I make enough money tomorrow for him to sneak some dope in to stay well, on top of the money I normally need to make for myself and him to stay well for the day. Which is AT LEAST $40-$70. Be with me junkie gods, I need you now. 😓💉💕

When your dog is unamused with you and your boyfriend’s bad habits, but she knows you rescued her and treat her right, so she loves you and sticks by your side anyways.

This picture wasn’t taken like this on purpose. I was trying to take a photo of my dog since she never looks right at the camera and after I took it I realized P is in the corner of the photo making up a shot. Hahaha.
Over-Spending and Rude Friends 7/14/17

I swear I spend an ungodly amount of money on heroin every day man. My life is so pathetic. It’s getting to the point where I genuinely wish I could quit but my tolerance is so high that it would be so hard on my body physically to try to.

Being homeless and strung out is such a damn chore sometimes. I have good and bad through out my days, that’s for sure. I meet a lot of interesting people being out here, but I hate how much money I spend on heroin when I wish I could buy an apartment, or makeup, or god knows what else. Food? I don’t know. I like going out to eat a lot. I’ve come to realize that I’ve been spending all my money on dope for so long that I’m not use to buying other things. I don’t even think I enjoy other things besides getting high on dope, food, and spending time with select people in my life like P and my dog Poppy.

Sometimes I convince myself I’m fine on the daily, but lately I can’t help but feel lost in where I’m at in life.

Also my friend just frantically messaged me at like 12 pm here saying she’s needing some dope and I messaged a few people to try and get her some. We have one of the same dealers and I messaged him, he got back to me and not her because I always bring him a lot of money, like over $100 a day, and she never comes to him with more than $10 like once a week. I told him she needs a dime because her anxiety is terrible and it helps her mellow out and he said he would met us if she gets here before midnight. It’s past that time and when her boy messaged me saying they are on their way to me he goes “Never mind, we found someone else, we’re on the way to them now.” I asked them if his girlfriend and I’s mutual dealer had gotten back to them and he randomly gave me attitude by being all like “Um? It doesn’t matter?!?” Like dude, I literally introduced your girlfriend to that dealer a couple of years ago. She wouldn’t be going through him if it weren’t for me in the first place. Also I literally just did her/you a favor BY MESSAGING THE DEALER and telling him to meet with her/you guys even though he’s about to go to bed by telling him how bad her panic attack is. Your girl would literally have gone home early because of her anxiety if it weren’t for the fact that I messaged him telling him to stay up to meet those two. It really pisses me off how rude people are to me when I go out of my way to help them and do nothing wrong to them. Like sorryyyyy. Don’t act rude to those you’re asking help from. ✋

Update/4th of July 7/4/17

Hey everyone, I haven’t updated on my life in a while mainly because I’m too depressed to write long paragraphs or even put in the time or thought into how my sentences flow for me to even be able to write anything worth reading.

P and I have been arguing a lot recently because he keeps taking his anger out on our dog Poppy. For example, when we sleep at night he wants her not to sleep on the blankets or on top of the sleeping bag with us. It gets cold at night so I keep her on the other side of me under the blanket so she’s not next to him. If we’re doing a shot he pushes her away from us and says she can’t sit near us (I understood that one because I don’t want her near the needles and I want to keep her safe) but he shoves her too hard. If he tells her to sit or lay down and she doesn’t do it right away he yells at her and pushes her for not doing it even though she’s not really doing anything wrong. He does things to try and scare her like stomping his feat near her, making loud noises, threatening to hit her, etc. He says that “Poppy doesn’t respect me”, that I “don’t discipline her” even though my idea of discipline doesn’t involve any form of abuse or pushing her too hard.

Poppy came from an abusive owner. We got her a little over three months ago. P NEEDS TO REMEMBER that it can take anywhere from six months to two years for her habits and trauma from her abuse to get better and we need to be patient with her. It seems like I’m the only one being patient with Poppy. I’m the only one who feeds her usually a side from when he occasionally throws her a treat. Anything involving money spent on her comes from me because he wants to spend all our extra money that’s not spent on heroin or stuff for Poppy on meth. I don’t even do meth and I hate how he acts on it so this makes me furious that he does this constantly. His excuse is that “he doesn’t do it that much”.

I’m miserable in my relationship and the way he’s been acting towards Poppy scares me. He claims Poppy tried to kill him by “trying to bite his throat” a couple nights ago even though I was there and didn’t see anything of that nature. I want to take Poppy, leave my miserable relationship, start stripping again, get a roof over our heads, maybe one day get a girlfriend because to be honest I’m really not attracted to men AT ALL and I’ve known this for a long, long time. I just want to be happy and free of the chains in this miserable relationship and I want to keep Poppy happy and safe. I made her a promise from day one that I would keep her safe.

As I’m currently charging my phone I’m sitting across the street from the abandoned red squat house that I use to live in this time a year ago. On this day a year ago I overdosed in that house, today a year later I’m still wishing I had died that day. I’m so unhappy, depressed, anxious, broke, and scared of everything.

On the bright side I found this really good green tea ice cream at the store that I’m in love with. I’ve been eating it daily the last few days.

In other news, almost two weeks ago P went to jail for 3 days and got his warent squashed so now that’s no longer over his head. While he was in there he had too much stuff for me to carry with me so one of my dealers let me keep his suitcase in his car. His car got broken into the day he wanted to get his stuff back and the entire suitcase and everything in it was stolen. All my friends out here on the streets in Seattle keep getting stolen from in their sleep or in general. It’s really fucked up. Thankfully I’m super careful about my stuff.

I’m so ready to die. I care about anything anymore.

Someone who cares about me recently tried to set me up to go to rehab, so I pretended to want to go so they would give me $100 so I could stay well in the meantime “before I go to treatment”. After they gave it to me I stopped returning the rehab facilities calls and ran off to continue making money on my own on the streets and doing dope.

I don’t want treatment. Treatment is for people who want life. Sure, I wish I didn’t have to shoot copious amounts of heroin daily in order to not throw up or shit my pants, but I would just rather die than live life sober. I’ve realized this from the 6 other times I’ve been in various forms of treatment or institutions (rehab, jail, suboxone programs, etc.).

I’m sure you guys are tried of reading my depressing rant about my pathetic life so I’m done writing about it. Also, to the “drug blog” run by a girl that’s now sober who’s been reblogging my shit leaving rude as fuck captions, do you really have NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH YOU’RE “HAPPY LIFE IN SOBRIETY” than to pick on others who are still in the position you were once in? Being rude makes you ugly.

I had a good day yesterday. P and I met up with @transparentforestnymph , picked up some dope, did a shot all together, and then went out for teriyaki, then got Molly Moon’s ice cream after that, and then just chatted and had a good time. She’s a cool as fuck person and I’m glad we hit it off well. :)