lovefinder

I’ll admit it: I’m in a dry spell. My love life has been D.O.A. ever since Dante died – I mean, who wants a dinner date who starts sobbing over a plate of spaghetti because it reminds him of that one time he and his brother got into an epic food fight and got pasta stuck on the ceiling fan? Not that that happened, of course…

So, as much as I hate to say it, Harry gave me an idea. If he could create a complex algorithmic cryptogram and launch it into other dimensions to find his replacement, surely I could create a similar one to find love? I initially planned on copying and pasting my profile from LoveFinder.com, but caught myself: why be boring old Trekkie-loving-soda-slurping Cisco when I could be anyone in the world(s)? Instead of Cisco Ramon, mechanical engineer, I was going to be Cisco Ramon, intergalactic adventurer! Think Indiana Jones meets Han Solo. With a baller crib and a tiger on a leash. Well, maybe not that – I’m allergic to cats.

I recalibrated the system, opened a breach, and fired off my message. And then, I waited. But I didn’t have to wait long, because the responses started coming in faster than I could open them. There was a schoolteacher from Earth-37 with a teddy bear fetish that was an immediate hell no. Then there was a middle-aged PTA mom going through a midlife crisis who wanted a little “fun.” I got a handful of college students, a dog-walker with an uncomfortably close relationship with her German Shepherd, and a wannabe popstar whose “serenade” was earsplitting in any dimension. I was ready to hang it up when I got a message from Olivia, a pre-med student from Earth-16, a part-time model and volunteer at the children’s hospital. She was perfect.

I immediately sent her a reply and soon we were bouncing messages back and forth across the dimensions. I could tell I was falling head over heels for her – I mean, not only was she a hot vegetarian with a passion for saving endangered animals, but she was also a finalist on the Earth-16 version of The Bachelor. I told her I was a philanthropist millionaire who collected antique cars and spent my Saturdays teaching archery to underprivileged children. We were a perfect match and I was all set to vibe myself onto Earth-16, elope, and live happily ever after when Barry walked in. He diagnosed my lovesickness and pointed out that true love isn’t built on a threshold of lies. Sure, Cisco Ramon the intergalactic adventurer was a catch, but it wasn’t me. Boy, he sure knows how to suck the fun out of a situation. But he had a point.

I came clean to Olivia and told her I was an engineer at S.T.A.R. Labs. I had my tail between my legs when she came clean too: she was actually a cocktail waitress with an addiction to late night TV. Both of us, it seems, were so desperate for love we pretended to be someone we’re not. At least we have that in common! While true love may not be in the cards for me and Olivia, I’m sure we’ll stay in touch. But for now, I think I’ll go back to my LoveFinder.com profile and see who I’m really compatible with.