loved him since phil of the future

anonymous asked:

Leela! This was my favorite live show! This one really felt so warm and cozy and he looked so happy and soft and was talking to us like a friend with how he was talking about his feelings and mental health and just trying to explain things without giving too much away and ahh I love Daniel Howell so much! I can't wait to hear your thoughts!

where to begin y’all. everything that you said and more–this live show was just so great. it wasn’t one of the ones that maybe necessarily gave us tons of new insight into dan or phil or their lives, but it was so good because dan is so clearly doing okay right now. he’s happy. it’s radiating off of him. maybe part of it is the stark contrast to how he was in live shows during feb/march, maybe part of it is our own confirmation bias and our desire to connect this dan—live and taking time out of his evening to speak with us—to all of the big changes we’ve been seeing from him,,, but regardless, in an absolute sense, dan is definitely happy and that is probably the fundamental reason why this live show felt so lovely. 

i went back to read some of my notes on his last few live shows before writing this one and it was surreal to see how many of my comments were about how negative he was being. he inserted a joke about wanting death or being an ugly rat or failing at most things in life so frequently. he constantly berated his own approaches to various things in his life and alluded to struggling with a lot of his own internal thoughts. in contrast, this live show contained a grand total of zero comments regarding death. zero comments about being ugly or terrible. he of course noted flaws in his approach to youtube and things of that nature, but he didn’t really criticize himself for them, and instead pinned them back to his own mental health and the way his personality works and offered up constructive ways that he’s thinking about dealing with all of it. it was like watching,, not a different person, but a strangely calmer person—someone who has clearly spent some time reflecting on these things and has gotten himself to a better and calmer headspace. 

the best part about the happiness in this liveshow for me is that it wasn’t really communicated through words (he never actually said that he’s really happy or excited or anything like that.) and it wasn’t like he totally avoided talking about his fears or his flaws in a way that would actually be disingenuous. it was all a bit more subtle and (to use his own refrain) ~authentic~ than that. it was there in the way he couldn’t get through so many sentences without breaking into a laugh or a big smile. it was there in the way he talked about the audience—a bit gushy at times, but mostly fond and appreciative. genuinely. it was there, of course, in the little asides he shared about phil and about their plans for the future. it’s fun to think about what may have helped this shift along. maybe it was time away in singapore, taking a step back to reflect on how far they’ve come and how much they’ve achieved and how very bright their future looks regardless of its specifics, or maybe it’s because the hard things he’d been dreading (like moving on some level bc it’s stressful, and also the ‘rebrand’) are now over and done with and he can just settle in the aftermath. and all of this sort of fits with what we know of the person that dan has been basically forever. he’s someone who spirals and even anguishes in the stretches of time before a decision is made. he doubts himself and he fears being scrutinized or judged. he’s afraid of what people will say but at the same time wants to be above all of it and make decisions that reflect what he really wants. it’s clear that the last couple of months, just from what we know and what he’s told us, have been filled with these sort of troubling internal struggles, but dan has also always been the person that appears to find solace and fulfillment in the certainty of a decision being made. he seems to be much more at ease once he has figured out the right way to proceed and actually executed it, because even if the decision backfires or goes wrong, he’s okay defending it, he’s okay because he knows he thought it through and did what felt best to him and whatever comes from it is of secondary importance. sticking to a choice you’ve made, or believing in that choice, is a lot easier than a belabored process of weighing between options and thinking about how each option reflects on who you are as a person. all of this to say. i’m glad that for the time being things seemed to have calmed down, and he’s happy. i’m glad he wants to share so much of that with us. i thought i’d go through some specific insights by general topic area, under a cut for once bc in actuality this is the longest thing i’ve ever written about them it’s obnoxious~~

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Happy Birthday Philly

Dan sat on his bed, impatiently looking at the clock every ten seconds to check the time. It was currently 11:40pm and there were only 20 minutes left until Phil’s 30th birthday. 

Phil was asleep in their shared bedroom, while Dan sat on his bed mindlessly scrolling through tumblr, looking at the ‘happy birthday phil’ posts that had already started appearing. Beside him sat the cup cake he had bought for Phil, because the other boy had insisted that they did not need a cake. Dan had not told him of his plan (it was meant to be a surprise) but had already warned him that if Dan ate most of it, Phil would only have himself to blame.

Dan looked at the clock again, only 10 minutes were left until the clock struck 12. He got up from his position, his left pocket heavy with Phil’s birthday gift, grabbed the  red velvet cupcake and some candles. He lit the candles, and grabbed the party popper he had kept especially for this very occasion. He walked to their shared bedroom, where Phil lay asleep unaware of Dan’s presence. Dan looked at the time in his phone again, and saw that it was now 11:59pm. He sat on the bed beside Phil, careful to not move too much. Gently placing his hands on the older boy’s shoulders, Dan shook him lightly.

A small groan erupted from the soft pink lips whose taste and feel Dan knew all too well. The room was dark and the only source of light was the candles on the cupcake. Dan shook Phil again and whispered in a soft voice “get up Phil!”. When Phil continued to ignore his labours, Dan promptly decided to take the matter into his own hands. He leaned against the bed, hands right near Phil’s face, and suddenly burst the party popper in his face. Phil woke up with a start and a shrill shriek erupted from his lips.
He quickly got up so that he was sitting on the bed, leaning against the bed frame. Rubbing his eyes in a languid manner now that he had visibly relaxed seeing that Dan was the cause of the noise, he asked in a husky voice, “What is it bear?”. He didn’t sound upset, only a bit tired and worried. He was used to getting woken up in the middle of the night by the sound of Dan’s feet padding against the hall carpet as he paced the hallway at 3am, but Dan rarely woke Phil up on purpose at such an odd time of the night.

“PHILLY!” Dan practically shrieked, his whole body emanating energy and happiness “It’s your birthday!” He finished with a smile, shoving the cake (which had until now been hidden from his view behind Dan’s back) in Phil’s eyesight.

Phil audibly gasped. Sure Dan did this every year and sure Dan was always the first one to wish him and shower him with love and kisses, but he had always saved the cake and presents for the next morning. It must be something special this year Phil thought.

And his guess could not have been more accurate. Of course it was something special. But we’ll get to that later.

“Happy birthday philly” Dan repeated,  a huge smile plastered on his face, as though he was the one who was to receive presents.

Phil’s usual smile was so bright it could grow flowers, Dan had said so himself on many occasions, but the smile Phil gave him now was enough assurance that what he was about to do, what he had been planning to do for almost 3 months, was not a mistake.

Phil blew out the candles, and darkness fell, for neither of these dorks had thought of switching on the light before.
Phil laughed at their stupidity and got up to switch on the light. A gentle touch to the arm stopped him, and Dan got up, slinging his arms around Phil’s waist. The moonlight shone through the window, just enough to illuminate their faces.

Dan slowly leaned in to kiss his boyfriend, and just before their lips met he breathed out a “may I?”. Phil smiled and close the gap between them, his answer clear from his actions. Their lips met in a slow and loving kiss, one that was not rushed or passionate, as if to say “I’m here. I’ll always be here.”
Their tongues danced in beautiful harmony, tasting each other slowly. Dan’s hands found their way to Phil’s hair, and he curled his fingers around the ebony locks at the base of his neck. Phil arms hung losely around Dan’s hips, and he pulled the younger boy closer.

They broke away to breathe, and a crimson blush covered Dan’s soft features. Phil smirked lightly, relishing in the fact that even after 7 years he still had the ability to reduce the brown haired boy to a blushing mess with just a kiss.

He proceeded towards the switch board  (is that what they’re called?)
and turned on the light. The room was instantly illuminated by the florescent  light, and as Phil turned around, he was greeted by a sight the most fortunate people are greeted by only once in their lifetime.

Dan crouched in front of him, a box in  his left hand, open, revealing the ring that lay inside it.

Phil gasped, overcome with so many feelings, he didn’t know what to say. Waves and waves of happiness and excitement crashed over him, and in no time he began to tear up. Before he could say something, Dan spoke up.

“Phil, ever since the day I met you on the train station, I knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Hell! I realised it before we even met. You have always been my inspiration, my protector, the love of my life. I was a depressed teenager with zero friends and no future, but you changed all of that Phil. You are the only reason I am where I am today. I’m not going to go into the details of how much you’ve helped me and cared for me because let’s be honest I don’t want to be sitting in this  painful position until 5am.” Dan breathed out a soft chuckle. His voice was quivering, like it always did when he wasn’t sure of what he was doing, or was nervous.
Phil just stood there, frozen, a million thoughts rushing through his mind, and more than half of them were just his brain screaming “YES”. Nevertheless, he let the the younger boy continue his speech- which- from living with him for 5 years, Phil knew was not a prepared speech. The boy was speaking straight from his heart and that was what touched Phil the most.

“I have known you for 7 years, and there isn’t one moment of those seven years that I regret. Sure I joke about regretting everything I do, but the one thing I don’t regret - I will never regret- is messaging you on twitter. Because it got me a beautiful friend, and the best boyfriend.
I love you Phil.  I love you so much. I love your stupid animal facts. I love your warm and welcoming hugs, I love your inability to cook without setting the whole flat on fire- because it gives me a reason to cook for you- I love your smile and your weird raps about Dil. I love loving with you. I love that you are a part of my life. I love EVERYTHING about you Phil. I love the way your tongue pokes out when you laugh. I love your ability to make me feel better about myself. I love you for your beautiful soul and I love your entire existence.

The last year has made me realise how important you are to me and what an integral part of my life you are. I don’t want to spend even a day of my life without you. If you say yes to the question I’m about to ask you, I will be more than happy to spend the rest of my life with you.

So Phillip Michael Lester, will you marry me?” Dan ended his long speech with a breathless sigh as he usually did when he finished something he was nervous about.

Phil said nothing. He stood there for a good 2 minutes just staring at Dan, his eyes glistening with tears and his lower lip quivering. His mind screamed “YES YES YES HOLY HELL YES” But his body seemed to have gone limp.

Finally he found his tongue, and breathed out “yes”.

Dan’s eyes lit up with a twinkle and a smile formed on his lips, one that showed his deep dimples that Phil loved.

“Yes”. Phil said again, in a more confident tone, a huge smile forming on his lips as well.

Dan began to get up from the floor, but before he could stand up straight, Phil jumped onto him, hugging him tight, making them both fall to the ground in a giggling, blushing mess. The ring was still clutched in Dan’s left hand, and Phil turned his gaze to it once, before smiling again and lightly pressing his lips to Dan’s.  They broke apart after a few seconds, their cheeks flushed and breathing ragged.

Dan sat up, sitting across from Phil. He quickly took the ring out of the box, taking Phil’s left hand and quickly slipping the ring on. They just sat there, looking into each others eyes, sharp icy blue mixing with warm, inviting brown.

They didn’t have to say anything more, soft kisses were shared between them, ones that said “I’m here. And now it’s definite that I’ll always be here.”

After a few minutes Phil spoke,“So, you love me huh?” He proceeded to grab the cupcake from the bed, taking a small bite out of it.
“Shut up you spork. I literally say that everyday.” Dan took the cupcake from Phil, stuffing his face with a large bite.
“But still”
Dan giggled, his cheeks tinted pink and chapped lips stretched in a smile.

“How did you decide you were going to do this?” Phil asked gently, nodding towards the ring.
“I’ve wanted to do this for 2 years now, but I was always to scared to ask first. But then I figured… You’re turning thirty, definitely you’d want something permanent right? And if you didn’t want me we wouldn’t be together after 7 years, so I just figured, I should ask you. ”

“Well you proved all the fanfiction writers wrong” Phil chuckled, referring to how most of their fans were certain that Phil would be the one to propose.

“Don’t laugh.” Dan said with a chuckle, ruining the meaning of his statement. “I have been worrying about this for 3 months”

“You really do overthink things” Phil mused.
Dan just shoved him playfully.

Phil looked at his ring again, it felt weird on his finger, but good weird. The weight felt reassuring to him, a physical promise to remind him that what Dan and he had was real. It was a platinum love band, and upon closer inspection one could see the words “this is the most fun I’ve ever had” engraved on it (because Dan was a cheesy little shit)
“You’re so cheesy Dan” Phil exclaimed, referring to the engraved words. He couldn’t help but smile and feel greatful to have such a beautiful man in his life.
“Shut up you love it”, Dan retorted, and before Phil could manage another sassy remark, Dan had smothered him with a kiss.
As they broke away from the kiss, Dan once again repeated, a cheeky grin evident on his face “Happy birthday you spork”
“Thank you for the best birthday gift ever bear. ”
And neither of them regretted the promise they had made to each other on the night of the 30th of January, 2017.

A/N so I usually post my stuff on wattpad (my wattpad is @/ fandomsarespooky) and this is my first time posting a fic on tumblr. My blog isn’t really popular but I’d really appreciate feedback and reblogs. If you want me to write something then feel free to send in prompts!💕


sooo since i really like making gifs so far ive decided to do a 100 day thingie, lets see how this goes (oh god)

100 days of Dan and Phil! 1/100

did Dan get TOO TAN??

Scared of Monsters

Genre: Kind of fluffy angst

Summary: Dan’s faked his death after being transformed into a vampire, but still keeps an eye on Phil. Phil isn't taking the loss well and Dan’s not sure how much longer he can watch Phil suffer.

AO3 Link

Warnings: Mentions of death (kind of)

POV: 3rd Person

Words: 1992

A/n: Woooo second fic! This one has a nicer ending, I promise. Feedback is lovely (seriously, I’ve been smiling so much at the responses people have given) and if you have any prompts, feel free to send them in ^.^

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25. - Brother Tried His Best to Teach Her.


“Kalea I swear on everything if you dont chill out, Imma fuck yo little ass up, in front of all these people”, Malakai warned in a deadly calm tone as I froze in my spot and gave him my own warning look.

“You listen here MALAKAI”, I glared back while using his full name just as he did with mine, “Just because I haven’t seen you in a few days and I miss you like a fat kid misses cake, doesnt mean I wont leave you here and block your calls for the next 2 days”, I threatened which had him raising an eyebrow.

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anonymous asked:

are there any fics where dan is mute and he talks one day, like says phils name or says "i love you" and phil is surprised?

Resistance Dan moved up to Manchester after his already successful parents got a promotion and moved to be closer to work. Dan is lonely seeing as his parents are always too busy for him. Since birth, he’s had a life plan that he is to follow exactly, though he wants to create his own future. He meets a really quiet kid, Phil, who never talks to anyone and is known as “Freaky Phil” by everyone in school. Dan decides to give the boy a chance, though Phil isn’t exactly the easiest person to talk to

I know it happens in this fic but does anyone have some other recs? (: 

“I could never get tired of this face” Dan murmured softly into the darkness, tracing the curve of Phil’s lips with his finger before leaning in and kissing him, Phil’s hand making its way to the back of Dan’s neck, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss.

“I could never get tired of this” Phil whispered back, cupping Dan’s face with his hand, kissing his cheek tenderly and looking into his eyes. The milky moonlight illuminated Dan’s coffee coloured irises and revealed the dimpled smile that was now present on his face. For a moment, he looked like the embarrassed, awkward 18 year old that Phil had met all those years ago; sleeves over his hands, lips parted and cherry colouring his then plumper cheeks. Phil’s heart swelled.

Just them, together in bed, at 3am, stealing sleepy kisses, hands wandering, before eventually they’d fall asleep with tangled limbs, Dan fitting perfectly around the supple curve of Phil’s spine, his breath warm on Phil’s neck.


Phil jolted awake. He wasn’t in bed. He wasn’t curled up next to Dan. He was lying across four plastic chairs in a hospital waiting room, it was one o’clock in the afternoon and he hadn’t seen Dan in over 10 hours.

“Hospital protocol” the consultant had called it when Phil had lashed out in protest. They weren’t allowing him to see his fiancé for crying out loud, how had they honestly expected he’d react?

10 hours since he’d found out Dan had amnesia.

10 hours since he’d broken down in the middle of a hospital corridor.

10 hours since he’d begun to lose what little hope he was clutching onto.

In 24 hours Phil Lester had gone from being put together and optimistic of the near future to an inconsolable heap on an emergency room floor with a sharply declining will to carry on.


Retrograde, a phanfic by phangirlingforphan. Read the whole story here (x) | Phanart by the lovely galaxy-howell

Begin Again

Title: Begin Again

Summary: After a horrible break up Phil is crushed, he spends the next eight months sulking around his apartment, coming out only when needed. His friend PJ gets worried and sets him up on a date with a friend of a friend. Can love blossom between the two? AU where Dan and Phil never met, but Phil is still a YouTuber.

Word Count: 1k

Rating: PG

Warnings: Cursing.

Genre: Romance and fluff.

A/N: I got this idea while listening to Begin Again by Taylor Swift, I hope you all like it.

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Philinda Fanfic: Giving Reasons


SPOILERS: Iron Man 2, ignoring Phil’s death during Avengers.

SUMMARY: The Avengers saved New York and the world. Phil Coulson is … alive and well. And he has some life changing news for his best friend Melinda May …

NOTES: This story takes place in an alternative Universe in which Phil didn’t get killed by Loki. After I posted that angsty phone call today, I thought it might be a good time to finally brush up this little angst nugget! - But everything will be well at the end, promise. Might be the cheesiest thing I’ve ever written. Might give you a toothache because of sweetness at the end, actually. Anyhow, I hope you like this! Can’t wait to hear your thoughts. :)


She’s very much content with what she has. She can sleep for more than two hours at once every night. She doesn’t dream much. - Or at least she doesn’t remember much. She likes her desk job. - It’s boring. It’s safe. The paper-pushing numbs her brain and that’s a nice feeling. She likes the people in the offices surrounding hers. They don’t look at her with pity or with fear. - That stopped four years ago.

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