love life like crazy

This is probably the cheesiest thing I have ever written in my life, but that’s okay. | So, a year ago around this time I sat in a hospital bed with tears in my eyes and my heart pounding like crazy because the “love of my life” shattered my heart and left bruises and scars, and my body trembling because I didn’t know what freedom was until we broke up. For I was trapped under his suffocating ways not allowed to be my own no matter what- and I still thought he was the most perfect thing in the world despite knowing he put his hands on me and left my body in pain constantly. I guess you cannot change everyone. And as I expressed this, I was never taken seriously- I guess trying to kill yourself by downing pills makes you less reliable…but I did know I could not live like I had anymore.

Anyways time, I have learned, is the absolute healer of everything…even pain. For I have been through many awful relationships leading me to a bigger downfall only to declare my own independence and I didn’t need anyone to make me happy or grind on my own. Although independence is everything to me- I guess I could never live alone forever (haha I even rebel myself).

Moving on, because I am dragging (but this is important to me bear with me please) I ended up dating someone who I never really spoke to ever- but my god I am glad the awkward eye contacts and little altercations got me where we are today.

Guys I swear, patience is so worth it- even the guys you never went after sometimes are the best one. He spoils me like crazy, he deals with everything (no matter how annoying I am), loves me unconditionally…I could not ask for anything more. He makes me ridiculously happy and with him I am the happiest I have ever been hence it radiating off me so heavily in this video. So yes, I just might be in love…with someone who is not toxic. (Yes I am swooning, this is rare) As real as it is going to get with me…so no, I am not the bitter single girl I once was.

I love hearing the prophetic. The words from God that become promises and give so much hope and so much life. Last night again my buddy had words for me from God about anointings He had for me and just the things that He sees me doing are things I never thought I would be good enough for. But God is so good and I can’t wait to see how he takes me down this path for I know that he loves me and he knows who I was created to be!

It’s crazy how the world works. Like it just hands you this person who is potentially your soulmate and it’s like meeting that one person in the world with that matching birthmark… The significance of that is unreal! And no matter what the circumstances are you can’t do anything about it but crave them and be each others perfect matches. Whether you like it or not.
—  12am thoughts
love you goodbye (h.s.) [part I]

This isn’t how this is supposed to happen,” Harry’s whispered dismay cut through you like a blade. “This isn’t supposed to be happening at all.”

“I know,” your voice was barely audible as you clenched his plain black t-shirt in your fist.

Your 2 year relationship with Harry was beautiful. Life was beautiful. You loved each other like crazy, as if everyday was your last day together. Everything happened naturally. You couldn’t believe that this enormous heart fully made of gold was all yours. He couldn’t believe someone as endearing as you was his. He often spoiled you materialistically and romantically. You were his world, and he was yours. 

Yes, it was hard being away from him most of the time as he toured and performed all over the world, but it made the moments he was home so much sweeter. The reunions were overwhelmingly exciting. He always came home with some sort of gift for you; which you typically scolded him for, claiming he was your present, and that you didn’t need anything. That statement was always followed by a sarcastic eye roll from Harry along with, “alright just take the damn gift and stop sounding like a Christmas homecoming commercial, wudja?” He would flash that famous sideways smirk, that never failed to make a crinkly smile find its way to your face and cause your insides to twist and turn. 

Having the role of Harry Styles’ girlfriend came with an immense amount of pressure. Your relationship was dubbed the one to watch in young Hollywood; “the next Brad and Angelina”, or “the next Beyonce and Jay Z”. No matter where you went, together or apart, cameras always seemed to find you, flashes continuously following you. Rumors were always swarming your relationship, whether it had to do with one of you supposedly cheating, the two of you breaking up, or eloping, you couldn’t escape them. You also couldn’t escape the pedestal you were forcibly thrown on. You were a normal young adult and did not sign up to be a role model, but that’s how you were seen. Not only were you alone considered a role model, but so was your relationship itself. The words “perfect” and “flawless” were linked to it, and that scared you. Your relationship was far from perfect, you and Harry were also far from perfect individually. Arguments, disagreements, and sometimes fights took place between you two, as they do with every couple. You were simply not perfect.

Right now, your insides are in fact twisting and turning, but not because you were presented another gift. There were no smiles in sight. Only tears.

There was no screaming. No fighting. No argument took place. You and Harry just simply broke. There were cracks in the walls that grew deeper and deeper, until they finally fell down. More and more weight was added to your shoulders, until they finally gave out. The pressures placed on your relationship crushed your chests. 

Now here you were, laying on your shared bed, holding each other. You were flush against his side, right leg thrown over his lower half, with your face in his neck, clinging to the t-shirt across his abdomen. You were shaking as you silently sobbed, allowing your tears to fall onto his creamy skin. He had his strong right arm around your back, his hand tightly grasping your hip. His left hand reached across his body to your waist, his thumb gently caressing your clothed side in an attempt to console you and bring you strength, although he couldn’t find any himself. His chest rose and fell heavily as he tried to keep his own cries as soft as possible, failing for the most part. With each connection of your tears to his neck, he felt a bit more of his heart break off. His own tears rolled freely off his face.

“I think I would prefer to fight and scream with you, than do this. This is torture,” He couldn’t even begin to hide the pain in his voice.

But he was right.

A breakup shouldn’t be brought on by you both breaking down out of the blue. A breakup shouldn’t consist of holding the other as you both cried and cursed the world. A breakup shouldn’t end with the two of you still longing to be together. A breakup shouldn’t have claimed this relationship.

But it did.

“I love you. I love you,” your breathing picked up as you spoke, as well as your cries. There were no other words you needed to say besides those. Whether they were words of comfort, or unintentional knives in his chest, you didn’t know.

“I love you so damn much. Fuck,” Harry’s voice cracks at the end, sending him into a fit of sobs with you.

“What are we doing?” you yelled into his neck, attempting to sit up before Harry’s left hand met your head, gently laying you back down, his fingers running through your hair.

“I don’t know, baby girl. I don’t fucking know.”

“It’s too much. It’s all coming down on us.”

“I know, baby.”

“I hate it, Harry.”

“I know.”

Both of your voices lowered back to whispers. Silence fell over the room again, except for the sniffling and periodic sobs and coughs.

“One more time,” Harry’s raspy voice was slightly above a whisper.

You raised your head slightly to look at his face, as his eyes closed. Your eyebrows drew together in confusion.

“One more time,” his eyes opened and met yours. His green eyes bright and prominent against their unusually blood red background. He caressed your cheek as he whispered his clarification.

“Let me love you goodbye.”

As if a magnet was drawing you together, your lips connected moments after. They quivered as tears continued to spill out of your eyes as well as Harry’s. His strong hands latched onto your hips as he encouraged you to straddle his waist. Your hands were fists that held the shirt on his chest as his hands also clenched the shirt on your back, pressing your chest against his. Your lips moved slowly against his, the passion and adrenaline racing through your bodies. You might end up regretting this later, as it may make leaving too hard to handle.

But later is not now.

One at a time, you both slowly disposed of the other’s articles of clothing. Your shirt, his joggers. His shirt, your shorts; leaving them in an unorganized pile on the floor next to the bed.

He carefully pushed you onto your back as he climbed over your smaller frame. His green eyes captured yours in an instant.

They always do.

“Please, do something,” your voice was so small, you practically only mouthed the words. He knew you weren’t just begging for pleasure, but for a mend to your breaking heart, as well. You wanted him to take you intimately, as well as physically. You wanted, needed him to take you in his arms and sweep you away to a secluded place away from the media, the fans, the public, so the two of you could be together in peace.

But that wasn’t going to be the case.

“I’ve got you, baby.”

For a moment, you could’ve sworn you saw his eyes well up again, but he broke his gaze away from yours all too soon. He slid his hands under your back, unclasping your bra as he’s done so many times. This time, however, you could feel his hands tremble as he slid the straps down your arms. There was no cheekiness to his actions this time. Now, his eyes were wide with admiration; the kind of admiration where he was taking in your body for the last time, as if in hopes of capturing this moment and saving it in his memory for when you leave him.

You lifted his head up and used your hand on the back of his neck to guide his lips down to yours, possessing them. Your smaller fingers ghosting over his skin as your hands slowly traveled down his sides to the waistband of his boxers, sliding them down his body.

His lips left yours, causing a small whimper of disapproval from you. A glimpse of a small smirk found its way to Harry’s mouth as it attached to your neck, sucking and biting the sensitive skin under your ear. You hummed in satisfaction as his larger hands swiftly slid your underwear down your thighs.

“You are and will forever be the most beautiful thing on this planet to me,” he whispered after leaving one last kiss on the fresh love bite.

“So if you meet some alien girl from Mars, there’s a chance she’ll take the number one spot?” You teased him, attempting to lighten the somberness engulfing the both of you.

“Okay, never mind, I take it back. You’re the worst,” a chuckle leaving his perfect pink lips. He reaches over to your nightstand, pulling out a foil packet.

“I think you’re beautiful, too,” you ran your hand through his long hair as he rolled the condom down his length

He kissed you again as he carefully pushed into you, both of you releasing sighs of relief as he did so. Harry took your hands in his and pinned them above your head as he began making love to you. He broke away from you, leaning his forehead onto yours, his lips barely touching your own.

“Harry, please,” you moaned into his mouth.

“God I love you so much, baby. Holy shit,” he buried his face into your neck, gently nipping at the skin.

The room filled with whimpers and groans and sighs, as beads of sweat started building on both yours and Harry’s foreheads. You lost yourselves in each other multiple times, hoping this would last for as long as possible. You tried your best to memorize every detail of his body; the way his strong and hard hips thrust into yours, how the delicate pink color of his lips would turn to a much darker pink after kissing you, the way his large hands completely engulfed yours, the light whimpers that turned into throaty groans when he hit a much deeper spot inside you. You were going to either thank yourself because of your need and longing for these details later, or hate yourself for remembering what could have been so clearly.

You knew this was going to destroy you.

You woke up the next morning around 10. Your eyes felt droopy and dry, while your body felt heavy and tight. You were wearing only your underwear and the plain black t-shirt Harry wore last night.


Last night.

You quickly sat up and looked to your left. Empty. His phone wasn’t on the nightstand. The black boots that were normally placed by the bedroom door were gone. You slipped out of bed and padded to the closet. You took a deep breath before opening it. You let your breath out in a fast, sad sigh as you realized most of his wardrobe was missing.

He left.

A familiar article of clothing was still left in its usual spot, hanging. That jumper. The blue jumper that belonged to Harry. It was your favorite, and you constantly stole it from him. He left it for you.

You yanked the sweater off the hanger before clutching it close to your chest and collapsing onto the closet floor. You reluctantly let the sea of emotions crash over you once again. 

He was gone. And now you had to find a way to pick up the pieces, alone.


[part II]

when one second there’s a huge scandal and you’re balling your eyes out and the next you’re getting asked out by the guy you like. crazy how life works. I LOVE LIFEEE