Sometimes I still get these urges to contact you.
It feels like pure desperation… Like my skin is crawling and my eyes are burning and I just want you back in my life so badly….
And I don’t know why? Where these sudden urges come from?
Why do I still do this, even after all this time?!
It’s like I'm getting out, I'm almost clear…. and then suddenly I feel like I would do absolutely anything just to have you back in my life again.
Even for a single moment…. Just to see you, talk to you - ANYTHING!
It’s like I don’t WANT to be out, I still want to be in love with you because in my mind, loving you equates to happiness and I just want that back… just for one second.
But I have to remind myself it’s not healthy.
Loving you is not like it used to be - it's not real anymore.
It’s not happy, it’s not positive…. and it’s gone and I can’t go back.
All I can do is put the phone down, blink back the tears … and keep moving forward.
I am devastated. Pea suddenly declined last night and did not look well after the attempted feeding. When I woke up this morning, she was barely responsive. I had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’d probably be making a difficult decision today.
I was able to get her into a vet. The vet who had been treating her for a respiratory infection was out for the week. The vet said that he might have palpated an egg, which could be adding to her decline and that she became septic. Pea’s heart rate was very slow and she wasn’t responsive. She did make small movements but never opened her eyes. The vet said that they could try intensive treatment but that it would most likely be a futile attempt.
I held her for the last time and decided to euthanize my Pea, my Turd, my Towel Wrangler. I hope she knew how loved she was. Probably not. She was such a Turd.